Midget Porn is my Anti Drug

All Good Things Must Come to An End...

2006-09-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

I am retiring the blog for a while. I can't exactly say how long, and I have my own reasons for doing so but I thank you to all my fellow bloggers for making the past 3 years a trip.

Thanks once again, I wish you all the best

Ashley

Update from the F-L-A

2006-08-19T14:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, so terrorists didn't explode my plane
And terrorists didn't try setting their shoes on fire
And terrorists didn't try to smuggle Gatorade bottles full of napalm

But the food on the flights did suck and I hit a hell of a lot of turbulance

If that counts?

The flight here was fine I guess, I barely made it over the border because some overpaid customs Rent a Cop decided that today he was going to be a prick. He kept asking me the same questions over and over again then told me that it was suspicious of me to be going over the border with only one suitcase - that because I was "only a bartender" I had no real ties in Canada so I could easily just be trying to smuggle myself into the States

Right.

Like I'd want to live in your fucking country where just because someone has some goddamn cracker - jacks badge they think they own you

"Hey whitey - why don't you fuck off and spend more time harassing more suspicious looking folks than some 23 year old girl with a fucking campus card?"

Now, I'm not racist or anything either but on the last connecting flight here I thought I'd for sure have the entire row to myself since the flight was basically empty. Here I was all excited like to stretch my legs and relax on my way down when Muhammed Al-Sharia W?hathaveyou sits beside me clutching his bag like it carried the antidote in it.

That got me slightly worried

I know its not right to racially profile someone but fuck, come on - like you all wouldn't do the same. He looked really shifty, he kept darting his eyes back and forth the entire time on the flight so needless to say I kept my eyes on his shoes and bag the entire time

But I made it, I'm here now and it was my birthday yesterday so I'm old.

POISON is tomorrow and I'm stoked.

My London Bridge is Falling Down

2006-08-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

As it turns out I might not be going to Florida as scheduled.

My mom called me today freaking out asking me if I have seen the news lately which I have not because of work and she told me that the U.S. Gov't uncovered a Al Queda plot to blow up 10 U.S. National flights out of London on Continental, US Airways and United Airlines.

I always fly US Airways when I go to Florida.

So now when I fly (should I still decide to do so) I cannot take any shampoo or gel products with me, I cannot have a cell phone on my persons, I cannot have a stitch of carry on luggage (I can have a small purse and a magazine but thats it) and I'll have to make it to the border to fly out 2 hours in advance just in case.

This is seriously the creepiest and one of the scariest things to ever hit my reality. We were all affected by 9/11 - every single one of us - but the reality of a new 9 / 11 hitting home scares me to no end. I don't want to be in a 14 / 06 movie, I want to go back to the days of worrying about a wing maybe falling off or an emergency landing. I dont want to be worrying that some guy might try to light his shoes on fire.

Fuck.

Take that, bitches!

2006-08-02T12:52:00.000-05:00

Finally, a new fucking update. I've had nothing to report the past few days since I've been working and getting my shit together for Florida.

Leaving in 2 weeks baby for an all expense paid trip to the sunny skies, the white beaches and the blue waters.

Worship me.

Anyways, today was the second court date dealing with all the landlord bullshit from my last place. Today I was proudly sitting on the "Applicant" side, otherwise known as the "You bitches are going down" side.

My old landlord and his skeezy lawyer with his mocking grin both walked in as though they were at a fucking cake walk and were the only ones in the circle. I played the whole "doe eyed bambi hunters just shot my mom" look as though I was naive enough to actually think I might have a sympathy vote.

We all waited around for about 2 hours waiting for a mediation room when we just got tired of sitting in that goddamn tribunal room so I approached the lawyer and asked if he wanted to talk things out privately and save ourselves some time. He agreed and I wanted to smack that fucking smirk off his face with my new heels but I just smiled and led him to the lion's den.

Once we got in there he said, "So how much are you willing to settle for then?" (remember: the last time I was in there I lost and owed them 600 plus the 200 dollar application fee) Thinking this was going to be an easy fight I looked him right in the eye and said,

"I'm willing to settle for you paying half of the settlement"

The look on his face was fucking priceless! He was like, "What the hell do you mean you're willing to let my client pay for half of it??"

I said, "I agree that I gave your client my two months notice 2 weeks late and I agree to pay for those two weeks. I however do not agree that I should pay the rest of the rent amount owing since I already paid my last months rent upon signing the lease and I wasn't in any way hindering them from showing the apartment or renting it out. I was out when I said I was going to be out and I think that me only paying half is completely jusitifed."

By now the lawyers thinking Im fucking crazy or something and he goes, "I dont think that's very reasonable at all"

I said, "I don't think its reasonable that your client screwed with me from day one by renting me an apartment that was unavilable and willingly took my first and last months rent for that place. I dont think its reasonable that your client attempted to illegally increase my rent by 200$ a month, I dont think its reasonable that I had to spend my few days off looking for a place to live,pay for a moving company and lose $400 because I moved out on a nite that I should have been working. I do however think its reasonable that I pay for the 2 weeks late notice and only half of the application fee since you are the ones that dragged me here."

End: "doe eyed Bambi" look
Cue: "you're screwed mother fuckers" look

Lawyer-man then tells me that he still thinks its unreasonable and he wants us to go to trial.

I said, "Fine - I can wait as long as it takes for us to actually have my case heard, its my day off I've got all the time in the world"

That unsettled look crossed his face once more and he looked pissed! It was fucking fantastic! He went bright red with anger and I swear to God I think he wanted to bitch slap me.

Before he could even say another word my old landlord agreed to let me only pay for the 2 weeks which was 300$ and half of the application fee. He told his lawyer that he wasn't waiting any longer to just sign the damn agreement and get out of there.

Victory is mine.

So NoToriOus

2006-07-25T10:12:00.000-05:00

Tori Spelling came in on Sunday nite and chilled on the patio with her new love toy husband.

It amazes me, the whole "celebrity reaction". Most of the girls I work with were talking about how exciting it was and were making excuses to walk outside

Dont get me wrong, I snuck a peek but mainly to see how plastic she looked in person. She's actually a very nice girl as is her husband but lets be honest: She was famous through her late father and for her valley girl sitcom in the 80's. I wasn't jumping up and down holding a napkin and ballpoint squealing for an autograph.

Mind you, if Tommy Lee or Johnny Depp walked in there's a good chance I'd lose my job because I would be dry humping the shit out of those boys.

I've just never understood the human fascination with celebrities. I read the tabloids because I find them to be amusing. "Ooooh that bitch took my man so I'm going to date this guy and Lindsay is sucking a different c*ck each day, look at Paris she's naked!" Its the same shit, different week. Trash TV and Mag's are like a stand up routine you can read/watch over and over again.

The only time I can recall becoming tongue tied and falling over my own face when meeting a celebrity was the time I ran into Johnny Knoxville at Universal Studios in Florida. I ran up to him, just kind of stared at him as if to say something and all I managed to get out was, "You're Johnny Knoxville..." he just looked at me, said "Yep" and walked away. I wanted to take a hot bath and scrub myself clean for being such a fucking loser. I blame that on the fact that I think he's ridiculously hot so like any girl I didn't know what to say

But Tori Spelling?

C'mon.

Hypocrisy amongst the ranks

2006-07-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

Surprise Surprise

The skinniest, most fucked up looking, trans gender tart on Canada's Top Model won the low fat, sugar free, 0 cal cake last nite.

The one that the judges said needed to eat a sandwich.

I guess that looks good on air right?

"We don't want to send a message to all the young impressionable girls that watch this show that the only way you'll get ahead in life and in this business is if you are rail thin and vomit up all of your wheat crackers"

She's super skinny and goes against everything we are trying to teach these young ladies but fuck it, lets vote her in anyways. She'll only have some lame ass modeling contract holding a Canadian Beaver for a Tim Horton's commerical anyways.

Its fucking sick that these people can be such goddamn hypocrites. Don't tell the bitch to eat a sandwich then reward her for not eating. Pavlov would roll over in his fucking grave if he saw how poorly his operant conditioning was being used.

Whatever, anyways GO DILANA! On Rock Star Supernova. I'm fucking addicted to that show!

I might be drunk, but you're still ugly

2006-07-17T02:10:00.000-05:00

I'm still technically on a haitus, but what the hell, its 330 am and I'm still awake so here's a little candy for my chillin's

Basically I'm on a hiatus for many reasons

I've got way too much personal shit happening right now that I can't even begin to explain. The main bartender quit where I work so I have been pulling extra shifts like a hooker on Vanier. I've been putting in 50 - 60 hour weeks which is fucking crazy when you work at a bar and are consistently on your feet. In fact, I could have sworn my feet were giving me the finger this morning when I woke up

On top of that I've been trying to mingle in the single scene and let me tell you this: All of the attractive, intelligent, good humored and kind men in Ottawa are either

1) Taken or..

2) Gay

It honestly makes me want to become a lesbian

Its seriously a fact of life, if you aren't willing to scrape the bottom of the proverbial barrel you're destined to be one of those bitter bar maids working in a cheap ass diner on a street corner with 50 cats

Hell, I've already started naming mine.

Most of the men I've encountered are either dumb as shit or are just looking for some bimbo that can smile, twirl her hair and say "Oh yah!" when they pinch her ass. I can honestly say I've never twisted my hair a day in my life and if you pinch my ass there's a good chance a slap may follow....and not of the good kind either

So as it stands right now I'm a little too preoccupied with life and all its fun little fuck ups to really update my blog. But I promise once I figure out what the fuck is going on and why the fuck I should give a damn I'll update more.

Thanks for sticking around,

-A

Hiatus

2006-07-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

Im going to be taking a personal leave from my blog for a while, I just need to get some life orienteed shit in gear here so I can't commit my lazy ass to posting here for a little while.

I'll be back, I just need some time off.

See ya kiddies

Put a cheese grater to my face....

2006-07-04T15:31:00.000-05:00

I lost.

I lost my goddamn suit.

Why did I lose?

Well, it could be the sleazy lawyer that was in cahoots with the judge

"Mr. Anderson?"

"Present"

"Hello counsel, how are you today?"

"Fine thank you sir, and yourself?"

"Wonderful"

"Great, now if you'll just drop your pants I'll proceed to suck your dick and call it ice cream"

"Ashley S present?"

"Here"

**Scowls**

Or it could have been the fact that I wasn't even able to have my side of the story heard since the lawyer kept interrupting me and the judge didn't even seem to pay attention to what I was saying since he was more concerned about the balif giving him a new pen

Or it could have been the fact that the judge was biased against me from the beginning because I was representing myself and he didn't even think I was over the age of 18.

I'm so fucking pissed off right now. I went in there, their lawyer met with me and asked me if I was willing to settle for a "reasonable amount" outside of the courtroom. I told him the only "reasonable amount" I saw fit for the suit would be $0. He didn't seem impressed.

I explained to him the reasons why I refused to pay the $550 in last months rent since

a) They fucked up from the beginning by renting me a unit that was unavailable

b) They were unjustified in increasing my rent to $129 more a month

c) They fucked up by telling my lawyer that the $129 increase was a mistake and I was told not to worry about it, then they changed their minds right before I was supposed to give my two months notice which gave me very little time to decide what the fuck I was doing

The fucking judge was such a cocksucker too - the entire time he was looking elsewhere, asking for new pens, paying very little attention to what I was saying and was condensending the entire time to me. I wanted to fucking stab him in the jugular with his new pen. He even went so far to tell me to seek Duty Counsel because it was free and I would probably need it like I was some kind of moron. I told him I already retained counsel.

The kicker?

The whole reason for this fiasco is because they said that I was 2 weeks late for my last notice.

Well fuck - the main reason for 2 months notice is so they can tell prospective clients for sure that the unit would be available to rent

They fucked up and told my counsel that they had 60 units available to rent and they didn't even have anyone look at my old place! If I in anyway hindered them being able to rent out my unit, if they were in such dire need for the apartment and needed to know exactly two months in advance that I was moving out I could see why my late notice would be a problem

But they didn't.

They had more than enough units.

They can barely fucking rent the things out

Regardless, I'm not paying shit. Instead I filed an application to have the case basically thrown out for the simple reason that I wasn't unreasonable being late with my notice considering they never really needed my unit in the first place, that there wasn't a crazy demand for apartments there.

I mailed my old landlords the application to appear in court August 2nd.

I'm fucking determined to win this one and I hope to God they finally realize that I am NOT going down without a fight.

Bastards.

Edit: The new apatment is great, my new landlords are chill and my super is this 80-something man that is the most handy little dude in the world, he kicks ass.

Pics from Rafting

2006-06-29T20:58:00.000-05:00

This was taken when we were registering to go white water rafting, quite obviously I'm the overly exhausted one with the arrow pointing to my head (...as if the rack wouldn't give it away either...)

After rafting, starting the drinking party early...(arrow, again) The scenery was absolutely beautiful

Smashed out of my fucking tree. Notice the double fisting action of the double Malibu's and Ice Teas - unfort. buddy cut the rest of my drunken ass out with his hat. The man labeled "The Hotty" is the gorgeous kayaker (sp?) that tried to get up in this business but was too fucking annoying and immature to get anywhere.

Friday = DOOMSDAY!

2006-06-29T08:28:00.000-05:00

I'm packing up and leaving this goddamn sesspool I've called a home for the past year on Friday so I will not have the internet again until Monday morning.

Just updating you.

Flying Fucking High

2006-06-28T15:55:00.000-05:00

An ad on TV amused me today, it said "If you have taken Xanandadadaswhatever you may be entitled to a settlement if you are suffering from any of the following: Gastric pains, Aching Limbs, etc etc or death"

Suffering from death?

Doesn't death imply finito - fini - finishimo - its all over?

How the fuck are you suffering from death unless your family ran off with the burial money, threw you out the back of a pick up truck and let the wolves have you.

Maybe then I could see you suffering.

I told my family the other nite that if they ever did that to me I'd haunt them for the rest of their lives and if they think I'm a drama queen now just wait until I have no physical body - Id be a fucking Paranormal Star Jones Reynolds on their asses.

I'm fucking sick and tired of living in this Right - Wing Government town so I think I need a vacation. A place where the Conservative stick in the asses Harper-Humpers do not reside. A place where I can say "Homosexual" and hear "Fabulous!" instead of "We're heading to Hell in a handbasket Mabel, I tells ya".

Oh and lets not forget ladies, wrap that shit up because if you get preggers, well.... Dr. Harper and his Merry Band of Idiots don't approve of free choice so keep those legs closed ladies, grab a sign and head on over with the rest of the Brady Bunch protesting for Pro Life outside of the Parliment Buildings

Seriously, I see it at least twice a week, pictures of dead fetuses and big red circles with lines through them. Its really quite a spectacle.

I have no idea what has happened in the past year since I've lived in Ottawa. Ottawa used to be fun, I used to be excited to go out instead of worrying about whether or not I'd be sucker punched in front of Elgin St. Diner and die on the way to the hospital because some hopped up Gino on steriods decided he didn't want you to get his eggs before him. I was there.

Now I can't even get into a bar without either being surronded by 16 year olds on mushrooms or Young Yuppies high on a serious highball of coke and alcohol. It really makes you not want to leave your apartment. Id rather buy a 6 pack and drink in the comfort of my own home where I know the kids and their drugs and their switchblades won't be.

Street kids, who are 2 days of shy of turning 21, can't even sleep under their bridges and bus terminals without being stabbed to death because they told some guy to stop pissing on the little belongings that they have. Street kids who are mostly there because of a drug addiction that everyone's turned their backs on, because mommy's new boyfriend doesn't like the little bastard and wants him out of the house, because daddy has taken a shinning to whipping his little girl after he sexually molests her and because everyone has given up hope on the forgotten kids that just try to survive.

It really is a shame, a goddamn shame

At the end of the story the frog doesn't always turn into a Prince Charming

2006-06-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

Busy busy busy busy girl....between working and all this moving business I havent had much time to myself

While all my girlfriends have moved onwards to better things ie. jobs that don't require them to come home exhausted and defeated at 3 am reeking of whiskey and gin I've been squandering shit loads of cash from my toils.

Which sounds great, but in the end I have no party life, no me life and defintely no love life.

Its quite sad actually, the only people who ever ask me out are freaks screaming from their cars as they race pass me on the street or drunken 60 year old Englishmen who call me a "fit bird" all nite. Hell, my ferret's been getting more play with her toy mouse than I have.

I actually went on a couple of dates with this guy I met through friends a little while ago and he turned out to be a complete idiot who was more concerned about the color of my panties than me in general (for the record, he never found out) Ottawa is such a crapshoot when it comes to finding a member of the opposite sex

Either they're taken or gay.

Or they're assholes, still live at home with Momma, Satan Worshippers or egotists

Believe me, I've probably met them all

There is however this young man who works at the tattoo shop I'm going to on Thursday nite that I have been absolutely enamoured with since I first caught site of his tattooed, crazy haired, peirced body. Mind you, I think he'd take one look at me and assume I'm the head of the fucking Glee Club so I sincerely doubt I would be his type

That and I heard he has a penchant for dark haired strippers

Regardless, it doesn't hurt to try

If this goddman apartment isn't rocking soon, and nobody comes a knocking I may just throw myself off my balcony.

Id like to block all thoughts of you so I don't lose my head...

2006-06-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me, human nature that is.

People are so conniving, so deceitful, so goddamn selfish its incredible that this planet is still turning.

Seriously, I can't get over just how evil human beings can be if they put their mind to it. I've come up with this theory that we are all assholes by nature and we only are nice to each other when:

a) We want something

Or

b) We're too lazy to be outright assholes

Perfect example: I work in a bar run by women. Every bartender, waitress and hostess is a woman. We prance around with this fancy little facade that we're all such wonderful friends that sing Kumbaya around the campfire while braiding each others hair

Then you turn your back for one second and BAM!

"Did you see what she was wearing tonite? She's too fat too pull that off?"

"Did you hear what she said to so-and-so? What a bitch, who the hell does she think she is?"

"Oh my god, you'll never believe what I heard! So and so slept with so and so's friend and now so and so is such a huge slut...oh wait here she comes now...Oh my god so and so I love what you did with your hair today! It looks so pretty"

Last nite the girls at work were bitching about how one of them got to go home before the other one and I was sick of fucking hearing it. EVERY goddamn shift I come into work on Fri - Sat - Sun I'm there until 3 am no matter what. So it pisses me off when the girls bitch and complain about going home in front of my bar when my ass is there until 3 am regardless. I dont even get the option of potentialy going home when its a slow nite, or when there is nobody at my bar

It really gets my muffins when I hear them bitch.

Last nite I finally said something and they were like, "Oh you're so right! We shouldn't complain!"

I turn my back for one second and suddenly BAM! "I dont know what she's complaining about, shes the bartender, her job is easy, she makes more money than us, we have to tip her out whah whah whah"

I wanted to take their little neck and break them. Thats not to say everyone is like that by any means, but I was fucking livid when I heard the bitching about my comment.

And thats exactly why people talk about other people behind their backs, they're too goddamn cowardly to upright call you a cunt in your face but they have no problem twisting that knife once you're facing the other direction

Its like human fucking nature to avoid actual conflict and blow shit around when no ones watching.

Or when people monkey with other peoples lives because they have nothing better to do with their time. I won't go into detail but I caught wind of someone doing just that recently and fucking around with people's lives with the intent to either prove something or hopefully reap the benefits of said meddling. Its pathetic.

Peace out kids, I'm off.

Rafting and Drinking and Camping Oh My!

2006-06-20T14:08:00.000-05:00

I just walked in the door from my white water rafting trip

I smell like fucking river

I probably look like a donkeys ass

And I am sunburnt in places I didn't know could be sunburnt but all in all it was one of the best times I've ever had

First off, I can't swim so I was slightly worried about that. But once you get that life jacket on with the happy straps (otherwise known as 'crotch straps') you feel like youre invincible. The rapids were damn high and I actually ended up cliff jumping which was exhilarating and went for a swim down the Ottawa River.

We started calling ourselves "Team Banana" because we were a raft of all girls and one guy so we didnt have a lot of paddling power to get up into the rapids to surf the waves. We'd get close and then we'd slide right back down again and it reminded me of that Simpsons episode where Bart and Nelson roll fruit down the bus isle and go, "Go Orange! Go melon!" then Ralph drops a banana and goes, "Go banana!"

We thought it was hilarious.

Then the girls and I went and drank our faces off at our cabin, prepared ourselves for dinner, watched the Oilers lose (fucking bums) drank more, watched one of our friends bungee jump, had her threaten my life when I kept yelling up at her as she waited,

"Lets hope the elastic holds"

"Go Team Tits!" (because she was only wearing a bathing suit we were convinced the top would fall off

"You have a better chance of being killed by a donkey than the cord snapping"

And such.

After that we watched this killer cover band and drank from a fountain of watermelon vokda, I didnt pay for a single drink the entire nite. We toasted with free champagne and Smirnoff then I ran into the hottest tour guide ever and we went skinny dipping

Then I realized as hot as he was he was annoying as fuck, unfortunately he didn't get the hint when I tried to kick him out of our cabin. The only thing he could manage to talk about was how big my tits were. It was annoying as hell.

We partied with our tour guide all nite and got her so piss drunk but she was awesome, she made the trip so much fun.

At about 5 am there was a beach party up the street with another band and a dj with more free booze that we all induldged ourselves in. Some chicks stole my friends purse and she chased them down to their car, ripped the door open and started banging the chicks head on the car door after she screamed at them to give them her shit back

Seriously, it was hilarious! My friend Michelle doesn't curse at all and she was yelling at these girls, "You fucking sluts! You stupid fucking bitches! Give me my stuff you stupid sluts! Ive got your liscence plate number and you're driving drunk you're fucked you sluts!" As much as it sucked that he shit got stolen it was funny as all Hell to see her freak out at them.

Finally we stumbled into bed, passed out and today I have the craziest sunburn, my entire body feels like it was beaten with a sack of doorknobs and I have bruises everywhere on my 2,000 body parts, but it was the most fun I've had all summer.

I'm going to bed to sleep it off now

I've got 99 Problems and a Civil Suit is one of them: UPDATE

2006-06-16T11:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my landlords sent me a letter even though I've told them numerous times that they are no longer allowed to contact me via mail OR phone (they're not too swift)

The letter was a recommendation for mediation instead of going to court

Translation: We're scared as fuck now because we know you're taking us to court, you're not a scared little Brier Rabbit like we assumed you be and your lawyer is going to screw us out of money.

So instead they want me to sit down with them and a mediator to negotiate a reasonable amount of money to close this case instead of going to court.

I'm a pretty reasonable person so I'd be more than happy to go into mediation and propose a fair amount: $0.

I'm not paying them sweet dick all and I want to drag their stupid asses to court just because they're now pissing me off moreso than before. I'm not an idiot, I actually speak English unlike the other people in my building so you're not scaring me off with your big legal terms and I want you to shell out the cash for a lawyer who is probably going to advise you to drop the case because you're going to lose.

I can't wait until I drop off the keys when I move out and with the biggest grin on my face say, "See you in court"

Everyone who isn't getting sued please raise your hand

2006-06-13T12:11:00.000-05:00

It looks like I'm getting sued.

How fantastic is that?

Long story short, my landlords are a bunch of cocks that would rather pay a grand in lawyers fees to shake my pockets of $550 because they're fucking crooks.

Seriously, I got the papers today that I was being served with a civil suit.

When I first moved in here, they fucked up my application so the apartment I was supposed to move into that was $550 wasn't ready so instead they gave me an apartment that was normally $665 a month for that amount. When I resigned the new lease it stated that the 115$ would be taken off each month

In like May they send me a letter saying that my rent was increasing to $679 a month which was a legal 2% increase. As soon as I get the letter I run down to my landlords office and they gave me some bullshit line about this all just being a move in bonus blah blah blah and that they can increase my rent to that amount.

I GAVE THEM VERBAL NOTICE THAT I WOULD BE MOVING OUT AT THE END OF MY LEASE AND NOT ONCE DID THEY TELL ME THAT I WOULD ALSO HAVE TO PROVIDE THEM WITH WRITTEN NOTICE AS WELL

I ASSUMED that my verbal notice was more than enough but to be on the safe side I had my mom write me a notice saying that I would be moving out at the end of my lease which I gave them 2 weeks later in May. SO technically yes, my WRITTEN notice was late but my VERBAL notice was more then 60 days early.

Now, they're telling me that because I was 2 weeks late in my written notice they are demanding I pay them 550$ for this month and that they are pushing my last months rent to July which is fucked since I wont be fucking living here in the first place.

I refused, I had my counsel call them and I thought everything was worked out until I was served today with a fucking court notice that I had to appear before the Ontario Housing Renting Tribunal July 7th, 2006 to tell them why I am not paying the $550 that my landlords are trying to fuck me out of

I can't fucking believe it, how fucking hilarious is this???

So they'd rather pay a grand out of their fucking pockets to take a University Student to court for a diddly $550 that I'm not going to pay and I'm probably going to win this fucking case! I can't believe how retarded these people are. Not only are they going to be out a grand, they probably wont get the 550$ from me either.

The best part is that they don't know who they are fucking messing with. As you all know, Im not one to take this sort of shit lightly. I don't know why they are going through so much hassle for so little money but what I do know is that they messed with the wrong fucking law student who's lawyer mom just so happens to work in the biggest and most powerful civil law firm in all of Western Florida

Fucking Christ....

Generic Post Title

2006-06-11T02:45:00.000-05:00

I am so fucking sick and tired of all the bullshit associated with working.

The before, the during and the after

I fucking hate having to waste my entire day knowing that whatever I do I have to make sure I'm at work by 6 to cater to all the assholes that have the nite off and think that just because I'm the bartender I'm their goddamn servent

Listen bitch, this isn't Molly Maid, my name isn't Jeeves so you're not going to shit and make me wipe your ass so stop giving me attitude because I'm just about ready to smash a bar glass in someones face.

Anywhoo....

I bought a brand new pair of rollerblades the other day. I love rollerblading, but the last time I moved I accidently left them behind so I purchased a $200 pair of blades on Wed.

First off, I should have known that the blades were cursed when I tried them on in the store and slipped up in the air, on my ass taking an entire display down with me in the store.

If that wasn't enough, the evil blades almost had me in the Emergency Room on Thursday when I put them on and the clasp broke so I wasn't able to get my left blade off for 2 hours. I dont know how but the clasp broke around my ankle so the blade was stuck right on my foot, nearly cutting off the circulation to my foot.

I pulled, and struggled and banged it against the floor for a good 2 hours. I was terrified that I would have to call a cab and go to the emergency room with one goddamn rollerblade on for them to cut it off.

Luckily, I dont know how, I managed to squeeze my foot out of it

I had more to talk about but Im tired, so Im going to bed. I'll update tomorrow!

Why dont you sit in the front at a comedy show?

2006-06-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

I'll tell you when I get home from work tonite

Jesus....

The Lion the Witch and the Waiting Room

2006-06-06T02:34:00.000-05:00

I refuse, absolutely fucking refuse to ever step foot into a walk in clinic ever again. I don't care if I'm on my fucking death bed with scurvy, the shingles all over my body and a leg falling off from gangrene -

I will never endure the 4 hr bullshit I put up with today because some out of line, PMSing, power tripping receptionist whore was having a bad fucking day.

I swear to GOD I'd rather die in the streets than put up with another uptight fat bitch who lost her nail file in her ass and the crazies that frequent the medical centers here in Ottawa.

I've been having some serious medical problems lately (none that are really any of your business, but my bladder has been fucked up for the past week and I'm on a shit load of anti biotics to hopefully remedy this condition) so I went to the walk in clinic on Rideau Saturday after calling in sick to work for some drugs as I was in excruitating pain and discomfort.

I managed to get in right away, after only 5 mins. in the waiting room which was sweet because I told the receptionist that if I didn't get in soon I was probably going to fall to the fetal position on her floor and she'd have to drag my ass back to the doctor's room. He checked me out, gave me some meds and things were going great until today when I woke up clutching my stomach frantically searching for some painkillers.

I finally managed to get my ass dressed and downstairs where I took a cab to the Medical Center to see the doctor again since clearly the medications were not working.

There was only like 5 people waiting so I thought, fuck sweet Im so getting in

Until Shamu decided she fucking hated her life at the precise moment that I walked to the counter when I went to hand her my Health card. She didn't even look up, she threw a clipboard in my face and told me to sign up

I handed it back to cunt face and sat down

1 HOUR LATER

I'm fucking dying in the corner and she finally calls me up, thank fucking god I'm thinking I'm in

No, she's just asking for my health card now

Miserable bitch

2 . 5 HOURS LATER

What the fuck? I stood at the counter waiting for the Titanic to rise again instead she ignores me and keeps talking to Chico on the other end of the business line when she finally acknowledges my presence - I ask her how much longer

"Just take a seat, I'll call you when it's your turn"

If I wasnt in crippling pain I probably would have jumped the counter and strangled her with the phone cord

3 HOURS LATER

Pissed.

"I have been waiting in this goddamn clinic for 3 fucking hours now.."
"Ma'am, keep your voice done and stop cursing"
"WHEN THE HELL AM I GETTING IN!?"

"...the doctors not in for another 45 mins"

WHAT IN THE DEAR SWEET FUCK!?

I've been suffering in this goddamn sweltering cesspool of human illness for the past 3 goddamn hours staring at your sweaty fat ass talking to your fucking drug dealer on the phone and you FAILED to inform me that the doctor wasn't even fucking in YET!

I think I went so far as to grab the clip board so I could imagine how it would feel connected to her face

In the end, I finally got in after I yelled at some kids to turn their phones off, cursed out some lady for talking way too loud on her cell phone and screamed at some dude to stop staring at me

4 HOURS LATER

Doctor poked my abdomen, gave me a new prescription and told me I needed further tests at the hospital to determine whats wrong with me

That took a total of 5 mins.

Combined with the ridiculous wait: 4 hours and 5 mins.

But I got drugs, so life isn't all bad...

This is what I get for calling in sick to work...

2006-06-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

I'm sick as a dog right now and hopped up on all these meds so I called in sick to work today.

Thinking I was just going to relax, take a nice long bath, rent a movie, get myself better I instead just spent the past 30 mins on lock down in a 7 - 11 giving about 5 cops a statement. Jesus fucking Christ.

It all started about an hour ago, I was dying for some candy from the store so as usual I threw on a hoody and walked down the street. I've never, in my entire life living in Ottawa ever felt unsafe walking down the street - ANY street - EVER

As I'm walking I see these two guys ahead of me that I noticed hanging around my building earlier that day but they didn't go inside. They slowed down, both turned to look at me and almost came to a complete hault as though they were going to talk to me. I cut back on my walking and slowed all the way down and pretended to not notice them as I listened to my iPod.

Normally I bring my phone with me just in case shit happens but I left it sitting on my counter thankfully I took out the $700 in tip money I still had in my wallet before I went to the store.

These two guys just keep watching me then eventually turn around and keep walking, every few seconds they turned around to look at me again.

When I reached the 7 - 11 I went to the candy isle and started filling up my bag when the one dude in the bright blue vest came in fighting with some other guy about money and apparently about some prostitute who was freaking out outside of the store. Both men went back outside, I went back to my candy, then blue vest walked back in freaking out asking if he could use the phone inside the 7 - 11 claiming that buddy hit him

The clerks refused so he walked back out again, then 2 secs later came right back in and made a beeline towards me with his right hand in his vest pocket like he was concealing something. He was bitching about people and how rude they are while I completely ignored him to which he said, "Oh I guess you're too good to talk to me either!" and he stormed out of the store again.

I told the clerk that I think he had something in his vest and she called for the cops. An undercover police officer came into the store and sure enough, 2 secs later blue vest came back in and started walking towards me before the cop asked him to step outside. Buddy still had his right hand fumbling around in his vest, I was just waiting for him to pull out a gun

Thankfully, he didn't have a gun

Instead the asshole had a fucking knife that he pulled out but was too goddamn stupid to pull it out of its case. The moron was then taken down by the cops who asked me to give a verbal statement and I went home with a free dollar bag of candy.

I've never in my life worried about walking to the corner store before until now. I seriously can't wait to fucking move out of this place, what a goddamn hole it is here.

I hope you smokers get cancer and die...well maybe not die, but get sick at least, and maybe not cancer..ah hell, can I just kick you in the ovaries?

2006-05-31T21:40:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not have heard, the province of Ontario has now implemented a new "No Smoking" ban as of Midnite May 31st.

No longer can smokers smoke in front of their office, in the workplace, in the jails or even on covered patios

Three words come readily to mind:

THANK - FUCKING - GOD

I'm thrilled with the new non-smoking ban on the covered patios, my patio is partially covered which means I will no longer walk into some careless idiot's dangling cigarette and burn myself 5 times a nite and I will no longer have to endure everyone's second hand smoke as I work.

I really couldn't be more happy with the new law

The best part of it all is how all these fucking smokers are freaking out about the new laws. How we are taking away their rights to be able to smoke in this Democracy we our little world. How DARE we take away their rights as human beings to suck tar and cyanide causing them to die a slow, perhaps painful death. How DARE we! The nerve!!!

Well, how dare you fucking assume that I want your second hand smoke filling my lungs while I try to make a living causing me to die from a slow, perhaps painful death

How dare you fucking assume that I want to be burnt continuously with your goddamn cigarettes as they dangle carelessly from your fingers while I walk by your table

How dare you fucking assume that your rights override mine - if you want to kill yourself, fine, I'll fucking but you a carton myself

But don't for one minute give me this goddamn dog and pony show about how the Government isn't taking your rights into consideration and that you should be able to puff away in this free world.

You didn't ask me if I wanted to be subjected to your smoke, I didn't ask you if should be allowed to continue puffing away at my work

But hey, by all means, if you want smoking to come back to the workplace, in paticular mine, thats fine. But ONLY and ONLY if I can go into your cubicle and urinate all over your paperwork

Its a free world, I should have the right to piss where I want

And only if I can go into your office during a meeting and serenade you with my rendetion of the Backstreet Boys "Show me the Meaning"

Its a free world, I can goddamn sing where I want

...are we beginning to see a pattern here?

Singing Backstreet Boys may or may not be hazardous to ones health and urine is sterile but smoking and second hand smoke kills people everyday, so if you're trying to tell me that you should be able to smoke at my place of business and blacken my lungs I should be able to sing while I drop one in your Inbox.

Blah Blah

2006-05-29T09:36:00.000-05:00

Ever since I posted my last blog entry I've had over 20 emails from several different men (and 1 woman) stating that they would be the perfect (wo)man for me. I never thought in a million years anyone would take that post seriously since I don't even take myself seriously, but lo and behold the inbox was full.

I'm thinking of starting a new reality TV show "Who Wants to Date a Blonde!" I could go on dates with contestants, they could meet the rents, go out for dinner and moonlit walks with a million cameras following our every move...I know there's been a million and one reality dating shows like that, but this one would be special

Because it was me

And because it was all done through the magic of blogging, think about it.

Anyways, I just wanted to make it clear to everyone out in blog land - I am not the lonely, depressed, relationship deprived cat lady like I can occasionaly make myself out to be.

I am quite content with my singlehood status, until I find someone that I am 100% comfortable with I can live with the ferret in our happy little bachelor apartment watching TLC.

The whole reason behind the previous post was me venting about all the past bullshit, crazy fucking men I've encountered in my life.

Pour example:

My first boyfriend, if you can even call him that, that I lost my virginity to was 29 when I was 16 - we worked together and the next day he called me "damaged goods" at work in the heat of an argument. I don't think I've ever officially recovered from that and he knows damn well that he'll never be forgiven for that comment.

And he fucking lives up the street from me now and we call each other once a week just to check in on each other

He's also the same cocksucker that dumped me for his boss who used to be my former boss who is this stupid slutty (well not really, but you know...) cunt that I hate

I always seem to dump the guys that treat me well and are overly reliable because they are boring and would lick my feet if I asked. Who the fuck wants that? I crave a challenge and if you're willing to offer 100% of yourself to me up front where the hell is the fun in that?

I usually dump these guys by not answering my phone when they call and stop calling them, its immature and cowardly but it gets the job done

Then there's the other guy, we'll call him "Mr.E" --- smart, sexy, successful,dark, mysterious, EVERYTHING I've ever wanted in a man and yet he never speaks to me anymore and all of his success I believe has finally gotten to his head, I know he's now grown an ego and thats sad since he could have been the single greatest guy I've ever had the pleasure of knowing

(and if you read this...you know who you are....)

Then there is the crazy Irish man, the one that everyone has, the one that you dont want anymore but you dont want them to have anyone else. Seriously, him and I couldn't be together if we tried for so many different reasons but the idea of him with someone else drives me fucking crazy

In fact, I nearly beat this chick's ovaries in last Thursday when she tried picking him up at my work, I thought I was going to literally jump over the bar and rip her damn face off. Yet when he asked me to do something that nite after Miss Thang left I said I was on my period and went home to bed.

Now THATS fucked.

Enough of the venting, bitching and whining, Im off to bed. Taa.

Hot Men Need Not Apply - SWF

2006-05-27T12:52:00.000-05:00

WANTED:

Single, white male, between the age of 23 - whatever.

Must have a sense of humor and enjoy the Family Guy and Horror Movies

Has to be honest, and real honesty, none of that "as honest as I have to be to get into your pants" honesty either

Can't be an amazing guy alone and a complete fucking asshole in front of the friends

No games, I'm too old for that shit and I graduated high school a long fucking time ago.

Has to be able to spend time indoors, in sweats, on the couch, with popcorn to watch movies and CSI - NO BAR STARS!

Has to understand my schedule and how damn hectic it can be

Muscles can not be bigger than brains, penis however....I can make an exception....

NO EGOS!!!!!

Please apply within....

Ha!

2006-05-26T02:37:00.000-05:00

How hilarious and drunk am I in this picture......hehehehe

American Cookie Cutter - the Finale

2006-05-25T00:13:00.000-05:00

So it appears that the obnoxious grey haired freak won American Idol tonite.

I suppose a conngrats would be in order except for the fact that the guy is a complete moron who annoyed the shit out of me everytime he opened his fat mouth and bounced around on the stage like he left his ritalin and helmet back at the hotel. I'm ashamed of you America, you bounce off the only true talent and vote in that fucking freak show to be your next idol.

Mind you, these are the same people that voted in Bush so I guess their assessment of character was skewed to begin with.

Seriously though, I cannot believe Chris got voted off. He is by far the only one with any real talent on that entire stage since the first Idol came off and America fucked up and didn't give him the votes he deserved. However, I did hear that the show was supposedly "fixed" and fans who did vote for Chris the nite before he was booted got a message from Katherine thanking them for their vote.

The thing about American Idol is this: They don't like their squeaky clean, America's Sweetheart and boy-next-store image to be tarnished by genuine rocker talent like Chris's. The very of his sexy bald head running around on the stage belting out classic rock hits and current Top 40 rock was too much for the simpletons behind American Idol to handle. Chris was the rebel without a cause and now he's been voted off for it.

At first I was seriously pissed off and saddened that he was voted off and that airhead Katherine and the geriatric freak stayed on. I really was. Then I realized that Chris will now be getting crazy offers for bigger and better things and if he actually won American Idol there's a good chance he'd release one album and fade into the background like the rest of the past Idol winners when Idol '07 starts.

Even still, best of luck to him and if he ever decides to get a divorce, Chris baby - Gimmie your number you sexy, sexy beast.

There's nothing here to remind me, just the memory of your face

2006-05-22T15:19:00.000-05:00

It looks like all our hopes and dreams rest on Edmonton.

......well at least they have a nice mall.

This weekend was hell at work, it was completely dead on Saturday so I not only sat around doing nothing for 8 hours I also made no money sitting around doing nothing on Saturday. I could have used that time for drinking, making a small fort or cleaning my sty of an apartment.

Frat boys couldn't even live in these conditions, its disgusting.

Friday was a joke, I ended up playing a drinking game with my friend and boss. I think I won but I had to get someone to do my cash out for me.

Last nite, as per usual the crew of the Circque de Soliel which is in town was at my bar being their usual drunken, annoying french selves. EVERYTIME they come into the bar its a fucking gong show. First off, there is the communication problem since the only French I can remember from school is, "J'mappelle Ashley, commence ca va? Ou es la toilette?"

Secondly, they take up my entire bar and scream orders at me every 2 mins even when I am doing the service end of the bar, I've told them many times that I don't care if they can bend their bodies into pretzels or dangle 100 feet in the air by their mouths, they have to fucking wait like everyone else.

Finally they always argue over how much their bills are. "Oh no, I deed not drink dees much, dees is dee wrong bill you overrrcharrrged moi." Listen fucking Frenchy, I only punch in what I fucking make and if the fucking bill says you drank 14 rum and cokes you drank 14 fucking rum and cokes now pay up.

Then they get all pissed off and don't tip.

Which could be because their French because no offence lets face it, unless French people work in the industry they're cheap as fuck and I feel comfortable saying that from experience.

I forgot to mention the freakiest thing in the world happened to me last weeked while I was working. Seriously, I'll never go to the bathroom unattended ever again.

It was last Sunday nite and I had to run down to the bathroom before I started to cash out. There was no one else in there with me and mid zip while I was in the stall I heard someone groan and say, "Help" I yelled out, "Hello???Anyone there??" (typical cliched movie move) I thought it might just be the pipes playing tricks on me since its an old building and the bathroom was pretty much in the basement

Mid-urinating I heard a moan and, "Heeelp" again. I fucking jumped up like someone lit a candle under my ass and bolted upstairs doing my pants up halfway up the stairs. I ran to the kitchen where one of the servers said, "Ashley whats wrong?? You're white as a ghost!" How's that for irony.

Supposedly my work is haunted so I had one of the kitchen guys check out the men's washroom since its right beside the woman's bathroom and I thought maybe someone was hurt. He said no one was in there and we both rechecked the women's bathroom and nothing.

By now I knew I was just hearing things in my head so I continued washing my hands and I heard the groan and the "HELP" even louder and bolted upstairs never to return to that bathroom alone at the end of the nite.

And that's my scary story.

Someone please answer me this

2006-05-20T02:40:00.000-05:00

Ok, Im more than certainly drunk right now listening to Postal Service and being all cool and emo like, I even painted my toenails black a while ago so Im super fly...

But someone please answer me this:

How in the FUCK does anyone find the following Hollywood starlets attractive....??

Paris Hilton - and her ghonaherpamonosyphiliaids
Lindsay Lohan - the alien
Mischa Barton - the other alien

really....I've admitted it before, and I'll admit it again I am addicted to celebrity mags that slg and rag on the celebrities and such but everytime I open a damn magazine I see one of the three fighting with each other and I just have to shake my head

For one, its a wonder that Paris is able to say anything at all with a massive dose of heir cock in her mouth, it doesnt matter who it is or who it hurts so long as she has her daily sausage fixing

Then there's innocent little Lohan that I remember from her days of the "Parent Trap" being all cute and shit pretending like she can actually act and now she'll fucking anyone in Hollywood so long as they are either

a) Dating someone shes pissed off ie. she'll fuck dirt on the street
b) Anyone she's dated but doesn't want to give up to anyone else ie. Fez, fucking gross
c) Anyone that has some money and she feels she can manipulate

Someone fucking call Nasa, we've discovered life on this planet and its called Skankus Lohanis

Ive also discovered this evening that I also love the band Postal Service and had to purchase their CD today.......

Cab Ride = $40, Drinks = $50, After Party at the Corel Center = $0, Partying with Our Lady Peace, NWL and Ray Emery = PRICELESS!

2006-05-17T00:39:00.000-05:00

Tonite was the single greatest fucking day of my LIFE!

My children's births will come second.

So in my last post I went all freakout about looking forward to seeing this guy that I'm totally into tonite as he was in town, which automatically made my nite last nite. I called this friend of mine and told him that I was at the Corel (now Scotiabank Center) with a friend of mine for the OLP and NWL afterparty.

After a ton of bullshit from security and the people running the show we finally made it backstage and into the NWL / OLP dressing rooms where we were immediately doused with champagne since it was the last nite of the tour. You have no idea just how fucking sticky champagne is until its dripping down your tits and sticks your nipples to your bra.

Anyways, I leave my friend for a bit to hang out with my friend that I haven't seen in forever and I made a lot of silly little groupy girls who were hanging around backstage jealous. It was fantastic. When I came back she's run off with this seriously hot band member that I cannot say because she's not here to give me the OK. So I'm talking to the person I'm enthralled with and suddenly all the Senators walk into the dressing room and I'm like, you fucking bums.

Then Ray Emery, the man who's babies I want walks in.

Of course Im piss drunk at this point so I'm like, fuckit - Im getting my picture taken with him. Once I get a cord to connect my cell phone to my USB drive in my computer I'll post it. Im shooting the shit with Emery for a bit going, "I still love you, WHERE THE FUCK WAS DEFENCE!?"

He's actually a bit of a prick really, either that or fucking shy as all hell because he just sort of nodded responses and didn't really speak much.

By this time my friend returned and started freaking out that Raine Maida was standing right in front of us talking, I told her to calm the fuck down, which thankfully she did, and she asked him for his picture. He's actually super fucking short in real life, like really fuckin short but a super nice guy.

Finally it was time for everyone to pack up because their buses were leaving for home. I have to admit, I was totally bummed out because I wanted to spend more time with my friend but I'll just have to wait until he comes back, le sigh.

Amazing nite, Im so fucking glad I went out, perhaps my life isn't as boring as I thought it was!

Tee Hee

2006-05-15T09:19:00.000-05:00

Either I'm delerious or I'm elated due to certain people coming to Ottawa tomorrow nite. Tee hee.

I haven't been able to sleep this entire weekend for some reason which is fucked up. I have put in a 66 hr week thus far and I can't believe my REM isn't working like its supposed to. I haven't been getting to bed until after 4 am as it's been retarded busy at my work yet I can't sleep in past 8-9 am. Its totally fucked.

I'm a total insomniac lately and its driving me crazy. I got these big bad ass bags under my eyes that could hold a months supply of groceries. I feel about 10 years older than I actually am.

On top of that I got loaded last nite at work with the boss and my friend who was serving with me so I got home and start drunk dialing everyone I knew and then I accidently called the guy I'm supposedly dating thinking it was my ex boyfriend who's ridiculously hot and tattooed and enticed him to come over not even realizing I called the wrong person so I felt like a fucking idiot when he said, "I'm all the way in Nepean I can't make it out tonite" I was like, Nepean - what the fuck are you doing in Nepean?

Then I realized my mistake and hung up.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I've just been doing stupid shit this entire weekend, maybe its the lack of sleep finally catching up with me. Or maybe I'm just an idiot naturally and I'm blaming my genetic stupidity on the enviroment. I don't know why I wasn't installed with that stupid little voice in everyone's head that tells us not to do dumbass things, but if anyone is willing to sell or give theirs up I'm willing to take it.

I don't want to fucking hear about it

2006-05-14T03:13:00.000-05:00

Yes, Sens lost in OT.

Why may you ask?

Was Emery not on his game tonite?

Was it Neil's knocking over the wrong people (or refs) and smashing their faces into the boards for no reason to blame?

Has the fact that Alfredson has only managed to get one fucking shot in as team Captain this entire playoff season effected their game ?

Did Volcechke (sp?) throw in some of his fancy fucking foot-play with 18 secs left in the third period with a 1 point lead?

Who knows, all I know is that the Sens are now out, I will not be making the money I should be making now that their sorry, egostistical , egocentric asses are out of the playoffs. This fucking team, I swear to God.

The thing about the Sens is that they are amazing in the seasons because they all work together to get to the playoffs. As soon as the playoffs come around they all break into their individual habits, throw out the fancy shooting and skating for the crowd and they end up fucking costing us the game because of their fucking egos. An old co worker of mine used to date Wade Redden so I think I'm going to smack her in the face and tell her to pass it the fuck on.

That aside, I had a girl call me a "stupid fucking cunt" tonite because I wouldnt accept the fact that her boyfriend was apparently 22 but didn't have his ID on him. What does it take for people to understand the fucking fact that the entire reason I am asking for your ID is that I am questioning your age, regardless of you telling me how fucking old you are I DONT GIVE A SHIT! Im asking you for ID, because I don't trust you to be 19+, so telling me to take your word for it is like a President Bush speech.

Then this chick fucking comes up to me tonite and starts yelling at me that she didnt get a last call when I know for a fact the server gave her one. So she comes up to me at fucking 2:45 and starts screaming at me for a fucking beer that she supposedly ordered from the server an hour ago

I was like, listen bitch - if you fucking ordered a beer an hour ago, at LAST CALL like you SUPPOSEDLY did, would you not fucking wonder where the fuck your beer was AFTER LIKE 15 FUCKING MINUTES OR ARE YOU THAT RETARDED?? I was so annoyed, fuck you, you didnt ask for shit like you said you did, and even if you did you don't deserve to have that last beer because you are that fucking stupid.

Then this other dude got into my face tonite about something I dont even know about and dont give a fucking about since I was tired and he was being a dick and I flat out told him that at 7 dollars and hour his opinion basically means sweet-dick-all to me. I dont think he liked that too much fortunately he was too drunk to bitch to my boss about it, so all was good.

Bottom line: Bar money, good - stupid fucking retards with their heads so far up their asses they could wear their ovaries / testes as a hat not so great.

Ray Emery....

2006-05-12T13:22:00.000-05:00

I'd totally have your babies, God bless you man, God bless.

We're still in baby, good things come in three's!

Ottawa Sens....

2006-05-10T21:00:00.000-05:00

...you're fucking useless.

FUCK YES!

2006-05-10T19:05:00.001-05:00

GUESS WHO HAS BOX SEAT TICKETS TO MOTHER FUCKING POISON AUGUST 20TH??

FUCKING RIGHT!

Every rose has its thorn biatch!

Quick Breakdown

2006-05-09T19:53:00.000-05:00

This post is going to be le suck but I'm exhausted, spending nearly the entire 48 hrs on about 7 different patios drinking in this wonderful weather has finally taken its toll on me.

- I found a place to live 5 mins. away from work so I'm officially broke after handing my new landlord a check for $1250

- I have a killer fucking sunburn that is seriously hurting right now thanks to my 2 day patio adventure

- I officially start summer school next week, that means every Mon and Wed nite for 4 hrs I will be learning stats - I'd rather be shoving bamboo shoots up my fingernails but I don't have a choice

- I clipped my ferret's toenail too close to her foot and cut it, it bled, I cried, I called the vet and they told me it would be ok, to just apply a certain solvent to it

- She got her revenge by nearly biting my foot off as I stepped out of the shower

- Last Saturday nite I got into a fight with some bitch who works at McClaren's afterwork when she started giving me the stare down and dirty looks until I finally asked her if she had a fucking problem, she mumbled something about my skirt, I shot back something about just getting off the bar and if that offended her she should stop checking me out

- I got so drunk on the bar last Sunday nite I dont remember anything after 12:00 am. The best part about that is that it was my boss who got me so pinned that nite

- My mom's dog got her tube tied and she now has to wear a cone around her neck which I personally think is fucking hilarious, my mom feels sorry for her, I then reminded mom of the time she dressed the dog up for the 4th of July...

Edit: I should also mention that I just got caught throwing my garbage down the chute in my underwear....

The Ballad of Peg-Leg Phil

2006-05-08T16:36:00.000-05:00

A friend of a friend of mine, Phil whom we all call "Peg Leg Phil" has the fucking worst luck in the world, its almost hilarious.

Well actually its really fucking hilarious but to spare myself a one way ticket straight to Hell I try not to laugh too hard at his misfortunes

We call him peg-leg because he is missing one of his legs right below the knee so he wears a prosthetic. I saw him for the first time in months the other day hobbling around with a set of crutches. I didn't ask him what happened instead I mentioned it today to my friend Bex while we were out on the patio. She told me what went down and I have to share it because its just too fucking funny not to share.

Phil got into a huge fight with his ex-girlfriend and so he tried to break into her apartment or something to grab some of his things but while he was breaking in he was piss-ass drunk so he was easily caught by her while he was breaking in and she called the police. When the police were chasing him, hammered, he ended up losing his leg in a ditch off of Merivale road and couldn't remember where it fell off.

The police ended up retrieving it and now they are holding it as his bail until he pays for her damages or serves the rest of his sentence in jail. So now poor Phil's phone is being held for ransom at the police station and he has to use his crutches to get around

Im so going to Hell for laughing about this.

Haven't you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door?

2006-05-06T14:03:00.000-05:00

I'm obsessed with the "Panic at the Disco" debut CD, I love it. A friend of mine hates the fact that every single song title is like a haiku but I think the songs themselves are fan-fucking tastic

Ok, quick question: Who in their right mind thinks the new Lindsay Lohan is attractive? I'm not talking "mean girls" attractive, I mean "fucking men like Paris Hilton buys new animals" attractive now. The girl used to be hot, now she just looks busted. I admit it, I love the celebrity magazines because lets face it, their lives are tres more exciting than mine will ever be and the Denise Richards / Heather Locklear scandal is delicious.

But everytime I see a picture of that alien looking Lohan I think to myself, "How does this little alien whore get any work other than Bang-Bus 200?" And now she wants to be a model??

Christ, eat a sandwich then we'll talk.

I mean look at this

Hot Lohan

Alien Lohan

Jesus, give this fucking chick a burger

Seriously, "Please Don't Feed the Celebrities" has gone too far.

I've been waking up the past 3 days witha pounding headache at 8 am because they are doing construction in the apartment next to me. So every morning at 8 am I wake up to people grinding, chiseling, painting, sandblasting, sawing the walls next to my fucking head. For one, I don't fucking go to bed until 4 am because of work and then I have to get up at 8 am now to do it all over again??

I've become a really bitter fucking person over the past few days so if you see me in the street throwing someone into traffic don't be surprised.

Sometimes I wish my parents read this blog just so I could piss them off a bit. My mom was giving me hell for calling my brother a few choice names on the phone the other day because he's a goddamn idiot who got caught smoking pot and stealing my grandmothers car. Already 16 and already the juvenile deliquent. Wonderful. The most ironic part of it all is that he is in military school where he's supposed to be disciplined. Right.

Anyways, moms giving me shit about me bringing the hammer down on him and she throws out the, "Well we can't always be angels like you"

I seriously wanted to reply back with, "Yah mom I'm a total angel, remember those dance lessons you and dad shelled out hundreds of dollars for? My boyfriend wants me to give you his thanks, those lessons have come in handy..."

So there you go, Mom - bet you didn't think your money was paying for that now did you? Happy Mother's day

They need to make a Hallmark card for that,

"Dear Mom, you were always there for me, you always supported me in everything I've ever engaged it, you were always there to help me out when I need it the most and thank you for paying for this skills that have assisted me in getting my boyfriend off. I love you, Happy Mother's Day."

She'd probably have a heart attack.

It seems we have a little problem here

2006-05-04T14:30:00.000-05:00

I've been dating / seeing whatever you want to call it this guy for a few weeks now and he's already getting on my nerves.

NOT a good sign.

We've only been dating for a few weeks and already he's in this, "I have to talk to you everyday" mode which I wasn't even in when I dated my ex for almost a year.

On top of that he doesn't seem to understand my list of priorities rank

1. School
2. Work
3. Friends

He doesn't even place on the top 3!

When I have free time I'd like to spend it with my friends as well as him but he fucking thinks that when I have 2 days off I should spend BOTH of them with him. Its fucking annoying. I try to balance it, for example this week I had Tuesday and Wed off so I made plans with him for Tuesday nite to watch Hostel and then Wed nite to hang out with the girls

Well, wouldn't you know it - he shows up at my place at fucking 7 pm and says he wants to watch a movie. I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?? I told you I had plans with the girls tonite!" He got all defensive and was like, "Well you can go afterwards"

What in the fuck is that???

AND HE DOESN'T STOP TOUCHING ME WHILE WE SLEEP!

I can't fucking STAND people touching me while I'm sleeping. Im asleep fucker. I don't want to be groped, touched, cuddled with - ANYTHING! This is MY side of the bed, this is YOUR side of the bed. He thinks im insensitive, I think he's a pussy.

And I should have adhered to that Golden rule of the first few weeks of dating: Never EVER give them your MSN address until you find out for sure that he isn't one of those needs-to-message-you-all-the-time-to-see-what-you-are-doing-every-second

I feel really bad because he is WAY more into me than I am into him. I'm not even looking to date anyone exclusively right now for two reasons

1) A lack of time
2) There's someone else that I've been kind of consumed with for the past couple of months

I don't want to hurt the guys feelings, but if he doesn't back the fuck off soon they're going to find him at the bottom of my apartment complex after he's taken a 7 storey plunge. I'm going fucking crazy.

The more the light shines through my I pretend to close my eyes

2006-05-03T17:02:00.000-05:00

Hectic is the only word that can justify the past couple of weeks for me.

I closed the last 5 nites in a row

I had a memorial to attend this morning

I signed up for summer classes

And now I have to find an apartment by July 1st because my landlord is a fucking skeeze.

So if anyone in the downtown Ottawa area knows of any one-bedrooms for rent under $700 please let me know. reasonableinsomnia@yahoo.ca

My mom made a lucrative offer the other nite in regards to grad school. I was considering applying for the Forensic Psychology program at SFU in B.C. since I hate Ottawa and Carleton's grad program isn't exactly up to par (Hell, neither is the undergrad program)

The offer she made me was this:

I apply for Grad school at Florida Atlantic University

She sets me up with an apartment

She helps me find a bartending job (paid under the table of course)

And she buys me a car so I can get around.

Sounds awesome doesn't it?

But with the glory of living in Florida and pretty much mooching off of my mother for a while has its downfalls

For one, I'm going to be really far away from my friends and the rest of my family

For two, I have 5 animals that would have to make their way down South as well too (and I have no idea how to transport them)

Grad school runs anywhere from $25,000 - $50,000, I only pay about $6,000 for school right now.

So I have no idea what I am going to do yet, but I most certainly would love living in Florida and I havent lived near my mom in 14 years so that would also be nice.

And I want to point out the weirdest thing ever just happened to me right now. I was purchasing Korn's new single "Coming Undone" off of iTunes and as I was doing so it came on Much Music.

Bizarre.

Holy fuck its my dream come true!!!!

2006-05-03T11:49:00.000-05:00

Oh.My.God.

Every shift I work a part of me dies on the inside

2006-05-01T01:58:00.000-05:00

When you're at my bar please refrain from doing the following...

1) Giving me attitude when I ask for your ID, if you are of legal age then what the fuck is the problem? Shut the hell up, take the compliment and whip it out, Im sorry for taking up that precious 3 secs of your drinking time

2) If you only have a health card DONT give me shit because at my bar we arent allowed to take health cards! Stop speaking out of your ass and accept the fact that just because you don't drive doesn't mean you can't get a BYID from the liquor store, I dont give a fuck that you can't drive, we don't take health cards. Period.

3) If you have NO ID don't sit there freaking out at me because youre 23, 24, 25, 26, 30, 100 whatthefuckever - you dont have ID, you DONT get served. The whole idea behind me asking for ID is to validate your age, your word doesn't mean fuck all to me really.

4) Don't give me attitude when I ask for a credit card to hold onto when you want to start a tab. No, I don't fucking "trust you" I don't know who the hell you are so why would I? No card - No Tab

5) Please refrain from screaming obscenities at me from the end of the bar in front of all my customers, it not only makes you look like a moron but also won't serve your ass so take your 5$ and your 60-Day-Chip elsewhere

6) Stop fighting with me when I take your beer away at 2:45 am. I have been at work for 10 hrs, I dont care if you have 3 dollars worth of beer in your pitcher at that time, you should have chugged faster.

7) Asking me what beers we have on tap when...

a) You already know what you want
b) Youre already standing at the taps reading them
c) The guy beside you asked the same fycking question

...makes me angy and makes me want to take my bottle opener and pop out your fucking eyeballs, especially when Im busy.

8) If you don't like the prices of our beer why don't you take your cheap ass to On Tap with the rest of the welfare, food stamp, trailer park12 year old fucks and stretch out that $20 of yours there instead of saying, "Oh sorry - I dont have enough to tip you now"

9) DONT Wave, scream, whistle, call out throw money at me when I am serving other customers. I see you, I will be over to serve you as soon as I take care of the other people who were kind enough to wait their turn. I always ignore you people and serve you last, even AFTER I serve the waitresses so waving or screaming to get my attention will only result in you getting slower service

10) DONT Be a new girl and be as condensending as possible when you order a drink off of me. In fact, when you ask for a "brown cow" at the end of your shift and say it as bitchy as possible, "Its Kaluha and milk", (this all being after you've freaked out on me and pissed me off about the time it takes to get your bill killed at the bar) there's a good chance that I may:

a) Spit in it
b) Take the Mulligan's Bar Guide and shove it into your big newbie mouth
c) Make your life a living fucking hell when I work and when you need drinks I'll put your bill at the very end of the line, fuck everything up so your customers hate you and make your life so miserable at work you quit - Don't think I won't do it sister if you don't change that nasty attitude and fill in that chip on your shoulder.

11) Finally, DONT MAKE AT OUT AT THE FUCKING BAR ITS DISGUSTING, NOBODY WANTS TO SEE IT - YOU CAN PLAY HIDE THE SAUSAGE WHEN YOU GET HOME AND PAY FOR YOUR HOUR!

...I've had a long weekend.

Life pt. 2

2006-04-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

It's been quite a week, and its not even over yet.

As you already know my friend has cervical cancer

My other coworker and friend's mom just passed away this morning from cancer, she was so young and I feel terrible for my friend, she was very close with her mom

And then last nite another friend and coworker of mine told us the good news that she was pregnant.

Everything's been going crazy this week, one life has ended, another life going upside down and another life is going to enter this world.

Its been kind of a wake up call for me this week. What is it about new life and death that sometimes gives us these brilliant revelations that we want to change the way we're living, or we want to do something more with our lives? The realization that life is short and fragile is a sure fire kick in the ass to get ourselves in gear and to get on with the things we want to do before one day they're lowering us into the ground.

And its also funny how everyone seems to find religion when someone passes away.

I'I'm however not one of those people, I'm one of those people who thinks God has forgotten about them, but thats a different story entirely.

So in light of this past week I have compiled a list of things that I want to do before I die or become too old to do them. I also decided that I would like to be hit by a falling piano in the middle of New York City as my means to the end. I dont like the idea of dying in my sleep or any of those crazy diseases that are out there - I've thought about the piano thing for some time now.

THINGS ASHLEY HAS TO DO BEFORE SHE IS HIT BY A FALLING PIANO
1. Go to LA, try acting

2. Finish University (which may actually kill me faster than the piano)

3. Meet Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee

4. Go to Europe, backpack for a couple of months

5. Deep Sea Fishing, I've always wanted to try it but I'm afraid of catching a shark and it biting me (I know, Im a loser)

6. Eat a deep-fried, chocolate covered banana

7. Own or at least help operate a shelter for abused or abandoned animals

8. Be a guest on a talk - show (not Maury or anything trashy, more like Ellen or Oprah)

9. Dye my hair completely black.

10. Go on a massive shopping spree in NY and LA

11. Paragliding....is that the one where they hook you up to the back of a boat? If not, I want that one.

12. Pay off all of my credit cards

13. Swim with the dolphins

14. Win a reality TV show

WEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-28T02:04:00.000-05:00

so Im pretty much hammered and I had to work tonite but who the fuckc ares i got drunk at this gay bar called the Lookout anyways

I seriously LOVE gay bars, I fucking love them

cause when a guy tells me he loves my tits he actually means he loves them, not that he wants to nuzzle his cock in between them (pardon the vulgarity, i am drunk)

and if all goes and Im hoping it does i may very well have straight A's this semster, Im awaiting one mark

And the sexiest man Ive ever had the pleasure of doing naughty things with is going to be in town in a few weeks and Im so fucking excited I can';t even explain how excited I am. cause he's hot, and bad, and I love it

Sleep....now....regret post tomorrow morning......

When we met you said we were the same but we're different

2006-04-26T14:13:00.000-05:00

I have a horrible temper.

Absolutely horrible.

You think you've seen the worst in me? Thats nothing.

There are only two things in life that send me off the deep end, to the point where I get so angry I can't even function because I'm blinded by range

1) Insulting my family

2) Insulting my intelligence

In a given week I'd say I hear the line, "Oh you're a lot smarter than you look" at least 3 or 4 times - no exaggerations.

Now, just what in the fuck does that mean?

"Oh, you're blond with big tits - you're probably a PETA card carrier who's obsessed with celebrity lifestyles and who's sole goal in life is to find a man with money and a nice car." As you pat the top of my fucking head.

I'm so sick and tired of people correlating looks with intelligence. Its the Jessica cookie cutter bimbos that give blonds a bad name. I've actually had an academic counsellor tell me that I shouldn't go into forensic psychology because nobody would take me seriously - that I should have a cutesy fucking office job.

The last thing I'd ever want to be on this planet is a little office bitch that makes coffee, smiles pretty and cocks her head to the side when she answers the phone in her high pitched little voice.

I'd rather swallow battery acid.

Today, while discussing the murder in Medicine Hat (involving the 12 year old girl) with someone at school the person I was discussing this with had this look on his face like, "WOW! Your brain isn't just for balance!" I was so pissed off and I think I stormed off midway through the conversation. I was quite insulted.

I've lost count of how many first dates I ended as soon as the guy said, "So - when are you going to ask me what kind of car I drive?" like I'm going to walk out if they don't drive anything that ends with "exus" or "ently"

Now, I know what you're thinking - "You're so egotistical" but after about 4 years of hearing the same bullshit and seeing the same looks of shock on people's faces when I talk about something that has nothing to do with Brangelina or my hair its not only annoying, its hurtful. Even my best friends now when I first started at my work thought I would be a total brain dead robot. They've told me.

Moral of this story I guess is don't judge people based on retarded celebrities who have been invented by the media and their creepy fathers. Blond, brunette, redhead, tits, no tits, big, small, whatever - impressions should never be based on looks.

Life

2006-04-25T13:11:00.000-05:00

A very good friend of mine was just diagnosed with cervical cancer today.

I'm totally speechless, she's only 26 years old, I can't believe it

I really don't know what else to say....

GAW - WORST MOVIE EVER!

2006-04-24T22:24:00.000-05:00

I went with the ladies tonight to see that movie "The Benchwarmers" since we couldn't agree on anything else.

Karen wanted to watch the hockey movie about that french dude

Gen wanted to watch the movie with all the little animated freak animals and the psychotic squirrel

I wanted to see Silent Hill but neither one of them are into horror movies so I was S.O.L.

Then, being the geniuses we are we settled for a fucking Ron Schneider film. If thats not desperation I don't know what is.

It started off with the typical bad acting you'd expect from a film with David Spade, Rob and that retarded kid who played Napoleon Dynamite. He was flying around on a bike wearing a helmet and reading his script like he was lost in the days of his glasses and box-perm. Of course he was acting like a complete retard ad the 12 year olds in front of us were eating it up like it was cocaine laced Smarties.

Add one extremely hot chick to play Rob's horny ovulating wife, then another extremely hot chick to play the salad slining Pizza Hut hotty that has a thing for pasty, puny, bowl cut faux mustache midgets and you've got David Spade's love interest.

Translation: Let's validate our obvious geekyness by having hot chicks that we could never get in real life if we didn't have millions of dollars from making millions of shitty fucking movies and lets have them want to have sex with us. That'll work.

Can't forget the agoraphobic brother of David's hiding away in the closet because he's afraid of how fucking shitty this movie will inevitably be but because he's on a contract he's going to hide himself as much as physically possible. Or because he was supposed to be afraid of the sun or something, fuck I have no idea.

Now we add Jon Lovitz the single most annoying individual on the planet, give him a couple of simple lines that even he should be able to master and watch him fall all over the screen with his overacting and his we're-not-sure-if-its-fake-or-not "Why is he talking like he's deaf?" accent.

While were at it, lets add a talking robot that can make sandwiches in his crotch and give him a few funny lines then make fun of midgets by having a shit load of them freak out on the screen, running around with pterodactyl's made out of peanut butter. I mean, we've already made fun of all the other freaks so lets be really politcally incorrect and make sure we throw in the other midgets for good measure.

Wrap it all up, have it backed up by Adam Sandler's production company, close up of David Spade tonguing a chick he could never get in real life and cut!

Da-da-da-da-da-dat's all folks!

Speak softly and carry a large stick

2006-04-22T12:55:00.000-05:00

I swear to God I probably could have killed people last nite with my own two bare hands. Ive never been so annoyed with underagers, bitchy french chicks, and overpaid lawyers in my entire fucking life.

The single most annoying thing you can do to a bartender when she is slammed at the bar is wave her down to the opposite end of the bar when she is clearly trying to serve the other 15 people that got there before you then go, "Hmmm....uuuhhhh...ahhh.....hhhmm......aahh...Joey do you want a beer?? What?? What do you want? You want a shooter?? Uhhh...ahhh....what kind of shot......what do you have on tap?"

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK RIGHTOFF! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

DONT CALL ME OVER TO SERVE YOU THEN ACT LIKE YOU JUST FELL OUT OF THE WOMB!

Seriously, Ive now decided next time people pull that shit I'm just going to walk away without saying a damn word and let you stand there in a stupor feeling the same rejection that year you had to take your cousin to prom.

And please DONT ASK ME WHAT IS ON TAP WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY STANDING IN FRONT OF THEM, READING THEM, AND WASTING MY FUCKING TIME!

Honestly, when people ask me "Whats on tap?" then make me run down the list and order Keith's you better believe I give out the loud sigh and the attitude. We have 14 beers on tap asshole and you're probably the 20th person that nite I had to read them all off to. Either Ottawa has the highest illiterate population per capita or people have really gotten fucking lazy - they won't even look themselves!

Especially when Im busy and then buddy beside you asks THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION!

Then some old guy orders a pitcher of Boddingtons off of me, which is SUPPOSED to have two inches of head....

and he FREAKS on me because of all the head. He throws it literally back at me and tells me to do it again. That he wants the same amount of head on it like the pitcher of Blue thats been sitting on the other end of the bar for the last 20 mins like he's some fucking beer expert.

First off asshole, if you were such a beer expert you would know that Boddintons isnt generally served by the pitcher in the first fucking place

Secondly, you would know that it comes with that much head, its how it comes out of the tap.

Thirdly, shut the fuck up - keep the quarter you were going to leave me on the bar and call someone who gives a shit what you think.

I got really pissed off at him and told him that if he doesn't want that much head the next time to not fucking order it because I wasn't fixing it the next time.

Next person to piss me off tonight is getting lime juice in their eyes.

ATTENTION OTTAWA HOCKEY FANS

2006-04-20T16:53:00.000-05:00

Anybody want a ticket for the playoff game tomorrow here in Ottawa?

I've got a ticket that is of absolute no use to me considering I'll be working so if you do leave me a message.

Its amazing what red wine will do to a person

2006-04-19T00:16:00.000-05:00

fuck you, im not editing these just because explorer is shit

for the record, i didn't take these a friend of mine did, we had a pj party

and im slightly loaded

(she came running in just as I was putting my pj's on....little wench)

Oh the wonderful things you can see on Rideau Street

2006-04-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

Ottawa is full of freaks.

Freaks and sexually charged young and old men.

I finished writing my exam around 8 ish so I headed over the Rideau center to pick up a few things when I was feeling a little peckish so I decided to kill my insides with McDonalds. Normally I never eat the crap, but the fries are just so damn irresistable so I induldged.

While inside, for those of you in the Ottawa area you should know who I am talking about, I saw this giant, blond haired, 35 or something black security gaurd who was hitting up these two little hoochies wearing sneakers with their flaps hanging out, mini little skirts, and tight rolled up tank tops that showed the peaks of their tiny tits. Seriously, I don't even think I could call them tits, maybe bee stings since the girls couldn't have been any older than 14 - 15 each.

Anyways, they were the epitome of "trailer trash" and as I was heading outside Mr. Security Gaurd came running out with two McDonald's cups and handed them to the little hoochies. He was hardcore hitting on them and I wanted to vomit. I wanted to go up and say,

"Dude, what the fuck are you doing??? Youre a man of the law for Christs sakes! You should KNOW that soliciting minors is illegal Jackson!"

Then I remembered when I was 16 I dated a 29 year old on and off for 6 years so I kept my mouth shut.

But I did have titties at 16, and I wasn't trailer trash.

While I was walking out of the McDonald's the street kids, who were maybe MAYBE a year if that older than the Trailer Park Girls starting howling and whistling at me waving their signs about, flashing their kool-aid dyed hair. One guy even went so far as to do a complete 360 with his wife/girlfriend on his arm who then gave him a strict warning and punch in the arm.

Actually, that was kind of amusing.

And forget anything I ever told you about me being a nice, approachable person

I'm a horrible, miserable bitch who's anti social tendancies could potentially erupt taking hundreds of people with it.

I don't want anyone coming near me in public anymore unless I approach them first. Fuck the nice girl crap, I've got my bubble stay your damn distance.

I was reading the newspaper when I could feel someone staring at me. This old guy with a massive coffee stain (or at least I hope it was) on his lap peered over my shoulder, pointing to an article in the paper about a cannibal or something and said,

"They should string that guy up by the testicles and eat him! BABY KILLER!"

I was like, whoa dude - if you want my paper you can have it.

Letting out a nervous laugh I moved as far away from the man as possible as he continued mumbling to himself about the damn kids these days or something.

Two seconds later this lady with crazy hair started asking me what time it was and if I believed in God and our Saviour because if I didn't, I was going to Hell.

Lady, I go to Carleton and work in a bar, I'm already there.

Apparently he's coming to rescue her you know, she was an Angel brought to Heaven to spy on mortals for God - the Apocolypse is coming, God is pissed the fuck off.

On the inside I was secretly praying to God to smite her, smite her good, then I realized I was part of the problem and not so much the solution with my cussing and lingerie/stripper shoe collection. Tools of the Devil you know.

And that was my adventure on Rideau St.

Oh and I got Id'd at the liquor store, that hasn't happened to me since I turned 22, I was estatic.

Killing time like there's a contract against it

2006-04-17T16:25:00.000-05:00

This weekend was completely uneventful, no retarded bastards came into my work, no perverts, no children complaining that they have to prove to me that they are indeed not 12 years of age contrary to their physical appearance

I never realized how fucking boring my job can actually be when I don't have to fight with customers.

I remember one time, about 3 weeks ago I had to physically take away a woman's pint glass because she started to leave the bar with it in her hand. I think she called me a "dirty cunt" and almost took a swing at me, luckily she was so fucking trashed the slightest movement almost knocked her on her ass.

Mom called me today complaining about something that I wasn't really paying attention to because I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel about when animals attack. I LOVE those shows. Not that I wish any physical harm on anyone (Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are my 2 exceptions to this rule) but people are so fucking stupid when it comes to nature its a wonder they're even alive today.

There was this one chick who had her legs taken completely off by a great white shark (all caught on camera) when she decided to go for a FUCKING SWIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING OCEAN while on a cruise.

How retarded can you possibly be?

Bitch, the ocean is the shark's HOME! If some random dude started wandering around in my apartment I'd probably beat the shit out of him too to get him the hell out.

Seriously, did you honestly think that you weren't putting yourself at risk when you dove in because you were wearing a polka-dotted bathing suit? Silly bitch.

Then they had this other guy who wanted to capture a picture of himself with a baby club and he got mauled to death by the momma bear. Well no shit dude, what did you think was going to happen? Man, I couldn't even walk across the street to the corner store when I was 10 years old, do you think Momma Bear was going to let her baby wander around aimlessly in the woods without being close by?

So buddy gets mauled by momma bear when his plan to explain that he meant no harm he just wanted a picture failed. I guess bears aren't interested in human logic....or stupidity for that matter. Go figure.

They showed these two guys pissing off a king cobra with a stick, aggitating the fuck out of it, poking it, trying to get some sort of camera angle and it bites them. Then the two fucktards start screaming in agony as the venom slowly reaches its way to their central nervous systems screaming, "Oh God WHY!? WHY!?"

If someone started poking me with a stick and annoying the fuck out of me while I was waiting for the bus to see my reaction there's a good chance I'd beat them with my heels and push them into traffic. What did they expect from the cobra? That'd it smile and go "CHEESE" while they snapped their photo?

There is just no accounting for human stupidity.

Although one time I stepped on a jelly fish to see if it was still alive and it was the most excruiciating pain of my life, so I guess I could be right up there with these idiots.

Make me popular bitches

2006-04-17T03:07:00.000-05:00

ttp://www.prchecker.info/check_page_rank.php

Midnight snack leads to 30 minute police interrogation

2006-04-16T02:17:00.000-05:00

Fuck I just got in from work at 2:30 psyched that I got out of there at a decent time.

Normally I get my usual Elgin St. Diner breakfast but I really just wanted to get home and relax

And of course, as soon as I walk in my door the stomach starts growling and I wish to God I went for that Hangover Blue Plate Special.

I head on over to the 7-11 thats basically 20 feet away from my apartment for something to eat and I hear all this commotion across the street. I look over and I see these 4 guys just pounding the shit out of these other two guys with these two Latino chicks freaking the fuck out screaming "Help me! help us! Help us!"

I'm thinking to myself, fuck all I want is some Golden Grahams and my bed, I dont want to deal with this!

But its 230 am, there is nobody out on the street and these guys are clearly getting their asses kicked.

I go into the 7 11 tell the guy at the cash to call 911 and get some police here to deal with the situation. OF COURSE I THEN HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE POLICE GET THERE TO RELEASE A DAMN STATEMENT.

Im at the cash, Golden Grahams in hand, so damn close to my goal of eating and sleeping but instead I have to fucking deal with these coke-heads which has now resulted in me being super fucking bitter. I'm tired, I dont even want my goddamn cereal anymore and the next crack addict I see walking down the street I'm pushing them in front of a fucking bus.

1 down, 3 more till sweet fucking freedom

2006-04-13T20:55:00.000-05:00

I wrote my first exam for this semester today.

It was in my research methods in criminal justice class.

I completely forgot that it was today, I just realized that I had an exam at 6 pm yesterday.

So I took a nap, then got up at 9, slept again at 10, watching The Devil's Rejects, studied for an hour, stayed up until 5 am on MSN, went to bed.

Woke up today at 9:30 since the exam was at 2 pm, realized I was still fucking tired, went back to sleep at 10, woke up at noon, studied for an hour and a bit, went in and wrote the exam

It was pretty standard, though I did draw the banana C for the definition of Ecological Fallacy since I forgot what the hell it was.

Mr. Hotty from Gracy's called me this afternoon so he's coming over to watch a horror movie. I much prefer first dates to be on my own ground. That way if it sucks I can just tell them to go home because I'm tired.

And sorry to disappoint you folks but I don't %#@^*^ on the first date so I won't have any juicy little details.

Vodka, Friends and China men - OH MY

2006-04-13T02:15:00.000-05:00

Last night was a fucking gong show.

I had two birthdays to celebrate so I went out - hard. This morning I defintely paid for it.

It started off causually enough with a nice dinner at Big Daddy's Crab Shack which evolved to me telling our waiter that the bartender was hot and my friend totally wanted to fuck him. Apparently when I drink I lose that little censorship chip most human beings are installed with. The ironic part of it is that my friends are all taken and have been anxiously trying to set me up with people for the past few months.

Mind you, their taste and my taste are the exact opposites of each other.

We left Big Daddy's and proceeded to this new bar called Hooley's on Elgin where one of my friends work. We got hooked up large with alcohol since we know half of the staff. For some reason I thought sambuca shooters went well with vodka OJ and I got completely messed (moreso) within a 20 min. span. I thought I'd fancy a dance so I went running to the dance floor making a complete ass of myself when this poor unsuspecting chinese guy walks by.

Naturally I grab the poor man onto the dance floor and make him dance with me (when my friends email me the pics I'll post them) then he got a little Grabby McGrabberson so I told him to go sit back down.

As we were leaving my little asian boyfriend blew me kisses at the door. I turned to my friends,

"Who the hell is that guy?"

Such a mess.

Then we went to this ridiculous club called SIN thats full of Gino's and Lebanese women/men.

Once again, Ashley's inability to keep her damn mouth shut nearly got her ass kicked but I was drunk so I didn't give a shit.

While we were standing at the door I scream out,

"Yo Ton-y! Wheres da sooped up Camaro mang? Mang! Where's da blue tinted sunglasses!" *Ashley then turns to the coat check girl*
"Hey yo, I'm not wearing any baby Phat and I'm over the age of 16, can I still get in here yo?"

Our SIN stint didn't last long.

As far as I can remember my friends dragged me out of there before I got my ass seriously whooped by these chicks I was laughing at in the bathroom.

"Nuh uh Maria he like totally digs you nah - you've got like dee nicest body in like all dis club aint no girl got shit on you!"

"But he's like totally tongue dat girl on the dance floor"

"Dah, thats cause he stoopid, he don't know what he missing"

Ashley: "He's not stupid, he's getting fucking action and you're sitting in the bathroom complaining about it! Stupido!"

I was rushed out of there fast by my caring friends.

We then proceeded to Grace O'Malleys west where our cab ride was free because we told the cab driver one of us would show him our breasts. I honestly can't remember if someone did or not but I do remember not shelling out any cash or taking off any article of clothing, so we're good to go.

Once inside I realized exactly why I hate Grace O'Malley's

1) Its over crowded
2) The men are all losers, slobs, and perverts
3) I feel like im 50 years older than these kids

So many men came up to me that nite asking to dance, asking my chest size, one guy went so far as to give me his business card to meet him at a hotel afterwards because shit wasn't working out with his wife. I won't say his name, but I will say that he's a lawyer here in Ottawa. Fucking pig.

I sobered up pretty fast after my friend proceeded to drunkingly grab every attractive male in the bar and tried to introduce me to them by saying, "This is my hot friend Ashley, she needs to get laid what do you say?" Like she's my mother-fucking-pimp.

Naturally the men were either like,

'What a fucking loser your friend must be"

or

"Sure, let's go to the bathroom now"

Slightly embarassing.

She did introduce me to one very very attractive young lad who took pity on me and spoke to me while they all ran off doing their drunken business. We exchanged numbers so lets see if he actually calls or if he was just doing his civil duty. Although he was impressed by my Family Guy and Simpson's knowledge.

You never do know.

Ther are pictures from the nite (or so I have been told) so as soon as my friend sends them over I'll post them.

Until then, off to bed.

I can't remember a time before this weekend

2006-04-10T17:36:00.000-05:00

As you all know I can never usually update my blog on the weekend since I work

Fri, Sat, Sun 6 pm - 3 am

And my weekends never start until after 6 pm on Monday since I also open the bar Monday day.

My entire body hurts

I've had minimal sleep

And the fact that I went out and got completely shit faced and didn't pass out until 7 am this morning with a friend and a bottle of Crown Royal didn't exactly help the situation.

This weekend was a fucking joke. I almost quit and walked on Saturday night because of these stupid fucking perverts.

First of all, let me just say this: I'm well aware of the fact that I have tits. I've known this since I have been 16 and was a fucking D cup. I have large breasts. Period.

I am getting sick and fucking tired of people constantly pointing this out to me like I didn't know I had fucking tits. "Oh hey, Ive got tits? Really? Fuck awesome, thanks for pointing that out I would have never known unless you told me specifically. Killer."

Anyways, I have a couple of regulars that come in every single Fri and Sat. I love Donny, he's a gay scotsman who plays for the NAC so not only is he an awesome guy, he drops the cash like he's Hugh Hefner, ok.

His fucking little friend Matt is a goddamn waste of fucking human life and his parent should have euthanized him at an early age.

The thing about matt is that his mom was one of those unfortunate women who took that pain killing drug during pregnancy that causes phocomelia (which is a congenital disease that causes limbs not to form or grow properly) so he is missing his left arm. Now, of course one feels bad for him because you know, life dealt him a shitty hand but instead of fucking accepting it and moving on (I'm dyslexic for Christ sake and I've dealt with it) he makes sure everyone and their damn dog knows that he is missing his arm and how horrible life must be for him etc etc. His constant pity parades are a pain in the fucking ass especially when he plays it up by trying to hold his pint glass in his little hand. YOU HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD ARM/HAND COMBO ON THE RIGHT SIDE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT???

Saturday night he kept calling me this nickname with Donny just jokingly and shit which was fine because Donny always points out that he loves my chest and being a gay man I dont care plus he doesn't write a fucking Three Act play about it.

Matt on the other hand (no pun intended) kept carrying out the joke, calling me the nickname that had to do with my chest size and kept going on and on and on to the point where it got really fucking annoying so I ignored him. He kept trying to get my attention STILL CALLING ME THE NICKNAME by the way and asked why I was ignoring him,

"Because thats not my fucking name and I dont respond to that! When you call me by my fucking name and treat me with a little fucking respect maybe then I'll listen to you!"

I should also mention that Matt lived in London for 2 months when he was 8 and has lived in Ottawa the rest of his life yet he speaks with an English accent like he's pure bred British because he's a fucking retard.

Then at 1:30 this group of 8 military guys came in being stupid and rowdy so I would only serve them 2 pitchers and that was it. They got all pissy with me and gave me attitude so I just ignored him until this one dude yelled out across the FULL BAR

"I WANNA TITTY FUCK THE BARTENDER! DID YOU SEE THE FUCKING TITTIES ON HER!?"

I was SO pissed off so I turned around,

"One more fucking word out of your mouth and I'm taking all of your alcohol away"

"Fuck you you fucking stupid bitch"

So I start calling for the manager since we have no bouncers at my bar and I'm by myself with these 8 loser sitting at my bar. My manager was busy dealing with another set of losers downstairs.

"I WANT TO TITTY FUCK THE BARTENDER! STUPID FUCKING BITCH!"

My manager finally came up, it was about 1:50 I usually can't do my cash until 2:15 - 2:30 I grabbed my fucking cash out of my drawer so fast and stormed to the back just fuming. The girls said they've never seen me so angry before. I can't recall ever being that pissed off at a job my entire life.

To make matters worse, on Friday night I finished work and went for 24 hr. breakfast with the other girls. Obviously I didn't get home until around 4:30 am. As I got out of my cab a cop car pulled up behind the cab driver and as I was opening the door to my apartment building, keys in hand the two male cops called me over to their car.

I know I live in a fairly bad area so I thought they needed to ask me questions about the building or the street whatever.

No.

Of course not.

Instead they start asking me questions like,

Why are you out so late?
Where do you work?
What do you do there?
Do you live here?
What apartment do you live in?
What time do you normally work until?
Why are you out so late?

Etc etc.

I was so fucking angry since these two power tripping assholes were just sitting there in the cop car harassing me for no fucking reason! They just watched me leave my fucking cab keys in hand what the hell did they think I was doing? Running a 3 ring midget circus?

"Am I under arrest? Do I need to call my lawyer? Because if not I dont have to answer this shit anymore."

I went straight to bed, pretty pissed about what just happened....and then Saturday made it worse.

I'm off to nap now since Im exhausted but I'll post about my drunken adventures with the hottest girl in the world last night.

Useless Post

2006-04-08T14:25:00.000-05:00

I could sit here and tell you how annoying people were at work last night

I could tell you how my biggest pet peeve is when I'm fucking busy and people standing in front of the beer taps ask me what we have on draught then order the beer that they are staring at

I could tell you that the ferret hid my remote control so I had to phone Rogers Cable to get it replaced

I could tell you that I went to 4 different drug stores this afternoon looking for the only toothpaste I will brush my teeth with because I'm anal retentive

I could tell you that I ate an entire McCain Deep and Delicious marble cake last night after work just because it was in the fridge

I could tell you that I had my first ever anxiety attack on Monday night and it scared the living hell out of me

I could tell you about the harassment I endured from the police patrolling my area of town when I got out of the cab after work last night

I could also tell you that I told them if I wasn't under arrest then they had to leave me the fuck alone

I could tell you about the shitty ass dryers that are in my apartment complex that no matter how many times I try never seem to completely get my clothes dry

I could tell you that the top two things that bother me the most about my apartment is when there are clothes on the ground and my beds not made, I can not physically leave until the apt. is up to my standards.

I could also tell you that training a pack of wild monkeys to smoke cigars and recite all of Sun Tzu's Art of War while crocheting a pair of socks would be easier than teaching the new girls at work

But I don't have time because my ass has to be back at work in 2 hrs.

you got you got you got what it takes to be my man!! ugh guhggughgu

2006-04-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

fuck, I'm officially delirious.

I've had a month now to write this paper, that is due before 8 am tomorrow and its 15 pages long, I'm still on my introduction.

why am I this fucking retarded? Why do I always have to wait until the last minute to get my shit done?

Oh wait, now I remember BECAUSE THE ASSIGNMENT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE!

Its an essay - the topic is this:

"In light of Foucault's quotation, the focus of your paper is a critical assessment of the state of contemporary developments in criminal justice with a specific focus on institutions, policies, programs and practices. The specific question you are asked to address is:

How does freedom as exemplified by choice factor into contemporary criminal justice as it relates to insituttions, polices, practices and programs"

Am I just that fucking retarded or does this really make no sense?

What I've got so far is a half assed intro that compares criminology to lizards.

"The definition of “criminal justice” is forever changing. Like a chameleon that transforms the color of its skin to blend in with its environment, the concepts and theories of criminal justice that govern both individuals and the state change to reflect the current time and the political party in power. "

I'm so rocking the A on this one.

Christ.

Some day this place is gonna burn

2006-04-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

Last night was the Matt Good acoustic show at Carleton University (my most despised enemy, it took me a fucking hour just to get to the Alumini theatre because of all the goddamn construction in the halls!) The friend that I took with me even commented that Carleton was the most ghetto looking school she's ever been in. And she goes to Ottawa U so that says a lot.

The show was incredible. I loved the Anne Coutlier doll. I personally think he should have burned the "Paris Confessions of a Heiress" book, but I'm sure the dude who got it from him will have sweet dreams with book in one hand and vaseline in the other.

Congrats man.

I had a few odd glances from different people that night which led me to believe one of two things:

1) They recognized me from my blog much like Stewart did. (who apparently was only able to identify me by my overuse of the word 'fuck') I recieved several emails before the show asking me if I was going to be in attendance. Sorry to all those folks that I didn't reply back to, I wasn't sure if I was actually going or not.

2) I was basically wearing a see through blouse with a bra underneath so people were probably going, "Who's this ho" I thought the shirt was cute, personally and its not like you could see my tits.

I had the distinct pleasure of meeting Raymi before the show, she's an absolute gem and I hope she enjoyed herself on the tour.

For those of you who missed the show, you missed out on an amazing performance. I missed the Zaphod's acoustic show the last time Matt was here as did my friend so we were both blown away by the performance. The only thing that pissed me off were these two people who were sitting behind me that thought they were fucking comedians so everytime Matt said something they had some little comment to shoot back.

If you people who were sitting in row "I" read my blog I want you to know this:

1) Don't quit your McDonald's day job
2) You were really fucking annoying
3) The only thing that kept me from shoving my bag into your retarded faces to shut you the fuck up was my friend holding my hands back

I don't understand people like that. People who think they are so goddamn funny they have to override everything the performer is saying to hopefully get a reaction from the artist or the audience. Nobody paid $30 to listen to your stupid ass make a fucking mockery of yourself so shut the fuck up and let others listen to the guy who's on the fucking marquee.

There, I said it.

Anyways, show was great - for those of you with tickets to any of the upcoming shows you won't be disappointed.

April showers bring stupid fucking rain, then snow, then rain, then sunshine for an hour, then more rain, then exams

2006-04-05T11:43:00.000-05:00

April is one of my most hated months.

I don't mind so much that its a little dark, and a little dreary, I like that. I'd rather sleep all day and go about my usual business all night, unfortunately the world is not equipped for that sort of thing. Maybe I'll move to Alaska when they have 24 hours and 7 months of pure darkness.

Then again, I'd probably sleep 24 hrs. because it's so dark out.

And apparently it makes people super depressed and suicidal.

But I hate April because its so damn wet. Its always raining, ALWAYS. Everytime I look out my window there's a bit of a drip or a serious downpour. And for all you long hair girls out there, you know the score when it comes to hair with rain. It fucking sucks. You can walk across the street and by the time you come back you're either a serious frizz ball or you look like a drowned rat.

Anyways, bringing it back to my last drunken post, as you can tell I deleted it because I was terrified that he'd actually read my blog (though I don't even think he has the address) and think I was psychotic. I can't tell you all the story of how we met and such because there are some things in life that are better kept to ourselves. I can't give away all my mystery right? Not even my closest friends know and they tell me on a daily basis that they live vicariously through me and my apparently "exciting" life.

I felt pretty stupid when I woke up the next morning and saw that post and how drunk, immature and drama queen I was. No wonder they call alcohol a depressant, you fucking do retarded things and when you hear about them, or in this case "read" about them, you become depressed because you realize you're that much of a fucking loser.

And drunk blogging is WAY worse than drunk dialing.

But not as bad as keeping C. up until 2 am with my inane banter.

At least when you drunk dial there's no physical evidence that can be used against you but with drunk bloggig everyone's seen it, and everyone forms a different opinion of you at times.

I think I actually erased more comments than I posted.

Well, I did actually speak to Mr. X. last night, naturally he had been out that evening partying which brings me to my next question:

How truthful are people when they are drunk?

Really, I know for a fact when I'm hammered I don't think I could physically lie if I tried. I am a brutally honest person to begin with but when I'm drunk I'm even MORE honest and upfront with my opinions.

Like the other day there was this chick at the bar who was being a total fucking bitch and who kept pushing me out of the way to get ahead of me and order her drinks. I was getting super fucking annoyed with her, and she just kept giving me attitude. Normally I would never bring someone's size into a conversation or arguement but she was a pretty large girl and she had this massive shawl with leaopard print on it - I turned to her and said,

"Jesus Christ, I bet it took the whole herd to cover your ass"

I don't remember much after that because my thankfully sober friend hustled me off before I had to collect my teeth off the floor.

Back to the question at hand here: How honest are people when they drink?

Its Official

2006-04-05T11:37:00.000-05:00

NO MORE THIRD YEAR!!! I'm fucking DONE ladie's and Gent's.

Well, I have 4 exams to write but who the fuck cares!

No more boring ass lectures

No more fucking assignments (after I finish this one of course that I haven't even started and that will be handed in a day late)

I'm so fucking excited

1 more year to go, I'll only be 23 and I'll have 2 fucking degrees.

I want to get all of my credit cards changed to have Ba. on them!

DRINKS ON ME TONIGHT!

I'm drunk and I hate life

2006-04-03T23:58:00.000-05:00

That pretty much sums it up.

Edit: Crap.

This week hates who I've become

2006-04-02T13:54:00.000-05:00

I've been retarded busy lately with work since there has been so much nice weather and the patio has been open. This week has been just crazy and I've been called into work early pretty much every shift.

I'm also at a bad place in my life right now with a lot of things, I was talking to the girls last night about this. I'm at this point where I am just so sick and tired of coming home to an empty apartment, an empty house, an empty bed and I know it sounds totally emo but I've felt quite lonely the past couple months. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love living on my own and I love the freedom of being single but it doesn't come without its price like most things in life.

All of my girlfriends have boyfriends that they basically live with and they don't understand why this has been bothering me so much lately. They keep telling me they'd kill for the single life. But when they have a bad day, when they've had to deal with so much shit they have someone other than a rodent or a ferret to talk to about it at the end of the day. They have someone who can listen to their venting, who they can watch movies with on the couch and right now I'd fucking KILL for that.

Like I said, I'm in a bad place right now.

Anyways, enough of this inane banter, I'm single, Ottawa has a 1 to 3 ratio for men and 90% of that 1 is either gay or taken so unless I become a lesbian I'll have to take the rodents and the ferret.

This weekend like I said was nuts, on Friday there were 2 new girls working that I think I scared the living fuck out of because I went on a warpath. First I was called into work early which is understandable because the bar area is huge and there is only one girl working service AND the bar wood. So I came into work early and it was a fucking disaster. Glasses, empty bottles, bar tabs, shit was EVERYWHERE and there were 3 new girls who had no idea what the fuck they were doing

Which pissed me off further because its a goddamn friday and you have new girls on the busiest day we've had all year. Fucking genius.

One of the biggest things that pisses me off on the service bar area is when the girls take their drinks before the bill is even killed so I have NO IDEA what I have already made, what I haven't made and what they have taken. I fucking HATE that. If the girls did that in the kitchen and took their bills before their food was up theyd so be fired on the fucking spot so I dont understand how the bar is any different. So I got pissed at one point after telling the new girls to stop doing that I just stopped making their drinks. They naturally got all freaked out asking me where their drinks were and I tore a strip out of them,

"Well how the fuck am I supposed to know what drinks I've made you and which ones I haven't if you keep taking your fucking bills! So I'm not making these until you learn!"

They caught on pretty quick after that.

Then they kept forgetting to stab their bills off the bar so I kept forgetting which drinks I made and which ones I didn't. When you have 7 different girls punching in 4 different bills each with about 3 different drinks give or take per bill that equals out to about 84 different/same drinks give or take at one time. How in the fuck am I supposed to keep track of that shit??? So I told them the next time they didn't stab their bills and I re made drinks they would be paying for them. It wasn't a good scene

And then to top everything off they kept putting their serving trays on the service end of the bar which fucking pissed me off because I only have so much room to begin with and with them putting 6 trays on the bar I defintely don't have that much room. I got really annoyed so I waited for them to come back to the bar and I pushed their trays off the end and let them hit the ground. It makes an awfully loud noise and the girls were totally freaked out. I think they think I'm a psyhopath which I'm OK with at this point. I don't expect them to be there much longer.

That was my weekend, thank you for listening.

Oh I should also mention that last night I was handing someone a beer and my tits knocked over 9 rock glasses that shattered on impact with about 50 people watching at the bar including my boss. He just looked at me and said, "Well how can I get mad at you for that! THATS what I hired you for!" it was embarassing.

Update

2006-04-02T13:04:00.000-05:00

When I get home from work tonight.

So much to blog about

So little time.

It's been a hectic weekend with the nice weather and the patio opening so I have been just exhausted by the time I get home from work therefore I haven't had time to update the ol' blog

But I promise to do so either tonight or tomorrow.

I'll tell you all about how I scared the hell out of the new girls.

New haircut, old tits

2006-03-30T00:30:00.000-06:00

Shortstack Mountain

2006-03-28T20:57:00.000-06:00

I'm supposed to be staying in and getting schoolwork done but Im a bad girl with little sense of responsibility so I went to the movies with the girls instead. Went to go see Brokeback Mountain to see what the hype was all about.

Completely and utterly boring.

I hated it.

I absolutely hated Brokeback Mountain.

I think the only reason why people thought it was such a great movie was because they were brainwashed by all those guys who get paid millions to throw a thumb into the air while gorging themselves on Ben and Jerry's. Sure it had gay cowboys and a basic throw-back rape scene but the porn industry has been doing that for years, nothing new here.

Oh well I guess they were in love though. The mountain brought them together and they cuddled a few times. Like what the fuck? I didn't feel as though they were in love, I felt like they were getting paid a shit load of money to hug each other topless.

The acting was TERRIBLE.

Heath Ledger didn't sound like he was a cowboy, he sounded like he was missing a fucking chromosome. The more he spoke the more it sounded like he'd been hit in the mouth with a frying pan. Everyword came out garbled, it was almost as bad as Jessica's fake accent in "Dukes of Hazzard" only her chest was less hairy.

The fucking thing dragged on for about 40 mins. longer than it needed to be. Heath's daughter takes up a good 20 mins of the end of the film to tell him that's she's getting married and then he goes staring off into his closet where he's hung up his and Jake's bloddy shirts. What the fuck was the point of that? So the daughter is geting married? Her whole 10 mins of movie time made her a minor character, unless she was a lesbian there was really no need for her to take up so much time at the end. Pointless.

I loved how Jake and Heath's children were going off into their 20's looking all grown up while the two dad's didn't have a gray hair in their head. Out of all the movie magic in the world to age people on the screen the director actually thought his audience would be stupid enough to think that Jake was aging by throwing on a fake mustache. Like it magically added 20 years to his looks.

And of course Heath rambled on like he had a mouth full of marshmellows so I could't even make out what the fuck he was saying.

Overall, I was disappointed with the entire thing. I don't understand how this is such an acclaimed movie, I was bored - annoyed and un amused. I did however enjoy it when they kissed, that was hot for sure.

If you haven't seen it, don't waste your money.

Oh my fucking GOD

2006-03-27T23:25:00.000-06:00

I just went to open all of my research that I saved to disk (all 12 pages of it) so I could do my literature review for this massive assignment AND ITS NOT THERE IT DIDN'T FUCKING SAVE!

I have a week to re do all of my research that took me a month to do
I also have a week to write up my review

I want to smash my fucking head against a wall.

This week is going to be a complete fucking disaster I can tell

On top of that I have a horrible nose and throat infection apparently that I'm killing off with anti biotics.

I want to fucking SCREAM!!!!

Holy Macaroni!

2006-03-25T06:15:00.000-06:00

Ok Kids, I'll be gone until Sunday afternoon. I'm going to St. Suavuer Que., with some friends of mine basically to drink our faces off and ooggle hot snowboarders. I felt like complete shit last night at work since I can't seem to get rid of this horrible cold and I wasn't going to go today but then I thought to myself,

"Ashley - this entire trip is going to cost you maybe $100 and you haven't had a Saturday or Sunday night off in god knows how long. You'd be a fucking idiot NOT to go"

Or maybe that was my friend Genevieve that said that....

Either way, I'm leaving at 8 am today and I will be back approximately 3 pm tomorrow afternoon. I did remember to pack the digital camera so I shall be sure to document my little adventure.

Provided I don't get too inebriated and forget about the camera entirely which I have been known to do.

See you on the flip side.

I said I'd do it and I did it EDIT w/ PICS*

2006-03-23T15:16:00.000-06:00

I officially have dark chesnut brown hair.

I don't know if I like it or not yet.

But the $300 I paid for it I better fucking learn to like it.

I'll post pictures later after class.

Oh jesus....

**Ok, these are rushed because I wanted to get some up as soon as possible, not the greatest but whatever**

No Montreal for me this weekend.... :(

2006-03-21T18:02:00.000-06:00

Why???

Because my friends are all [insert generic insult here]

Fuck. Just what I wanted. An entire weekend off to spend in the fucking wonderful world of Ottawa. I'll just go hang myself now and save myself the trouble of doing so on Saturday.

It only hurts when your eyes are open...

2006-03-20T23:49:00.000-06:00

All right, enough of the slacking let's give the people what they came here for.

Good, wholesome Ashley fun.

And by good I mean evil

And by wholesome I mean naughty

And by Ashley I mean dirty, dirty little girl

And by fun I mean strippers and champagne

Nothing happened this weekend really, I had an uneventful work schedule, even St. Patty's day was a sad let down. I didn't have to remove anyone from the bar by force and people knew when they were being fucking retarded so they cut themselves off. Mind you, I was ridiculously busy but I ended up making $600 in tips that night which will go towards my Montreal Cash Fund.

Oh yes, I shall be in Montreal this weekend.

Oh yes, there will be partying, hotel trashing, stripping, shopping and alcohol therapy.

I can't fucking wait, if anyone lives in the Montreal area and wants to party with myself and my girlfriends apply within, it should be good times.

Anyways, Thursday night was quite the night for me as far as I can remember. As we recall Wed. was the worst day of my life before it even hit noon so I decided Thursday I'd drown my sorrows with some martinis and gossip.

Well, I didn't get the martinis, but I did get the gossip.

None of which is any of your buisness.

A friend and I ended up at Milestones for a couple of martinis that turned into a couple bottles of champagne as my friend continued to hit on our bartender. I don't know how either one of us got the idea that hey, you know what would go well with champagne? Naked girls.

We ended up at Barefax which is a local strip club that certainly isn't known for it's bevy of gorgeous females, average at best. But Thursday night we were quite surprised. Then again, we were both so completely shit faced I bet Martha Stewart would look hot to us if she took off her clothes.

The drinking continued, I can't recall how many bottles of bubbly we had there but I was offered a substantial amount of cash for a lap dance or two (which I declined), a job as a shooter girl (which I also declined) and a free lap dance (which I won't tell you whether or not I declined) I remember waking up somewhere around 3 pm the next day with a killer hangover.

So so so so so screwed...

2006-03-20T14:05:00.000-06:00

I have shaken this town back and forth, up and down and I STILL do not have a doctor's note for missing my exam yet.

I'm 100% fucked now and I have no idea what the hell to do.

I can't even make an appointment with my regular doctor to get one from him until Thursday because his office is crazy busy. I'm supposed to have the note by this Tuesday and so far I've got nothing, so I have no idea what the hell I am supposed to do.

Worst case scenario: The prof doesn't let me write the exam, I fail the course and have to re take it in the summer.

Which would suck huge considering I got a 98% on the first exam, I'm so fucking pissed with the system. Give me drugs because I'm sick but don't give me a doctor's note because I'm not sick. Thats the most fucked up thing ever. I've even stooped so low as to call my Aunt in Brockville to ask one of her doctor friends to give me a note for the Friday exam since I can't seem to get one here in Ottawa.

I feel like crawling back into bed and not waking up today, but everytime I fall back asleep I dream about getting my doctor's note then I wake up to cold hard reality.

Fuck, someone cheer me up - who has the best drunken St. Patty's day story?? I need it!

The world has gone fucking crazy

2006-03-17T15:47:00.000-06:00

I went to 3 different health clinics today trying to get a doctor's note to get out of my exam this evening so I could work.

Every single place I went to they wouldn't give me a note because they "couldn't find anything wrong you..."

But what they DID give me was a fucking prescription for anti biotics and pain killers.

....so you don't think I'm sick and you won't give me a doctor's note but you WILL give me fucking drugs even though there's nothing wrong with me....

How fucked is that???

Worst fucking day of my life and it's only noon

2006-03-15T11:08:00.000-06:00

I just spent the past 20 mins sitting in the middle of my bathroom being an absolute drama queen and crying my fucking eyes out for a million different reasons.

Usually I am pretty good at dealing with stress, when one shitty thing happens, or even two, I suck it up - bitch about it here and move on with life.

Today it's been an accumulation of about 10 different things that have stressed me to the point where I can't even function so the only "reasonable" thing to do is cry on my tattered blue bathroom mat. I supposed crying is better than banging my head continuously against a wall until I pass out, a concusion would only be reason number 11 why I feel like I'm falling off the deep end.

For one, I've got a million fucking things due in a minimal time span. I have 4 different major assignments due, an oral presentation to work on and an exam to write. I have less than two weeks to do this and I'm fucking working ridiculous hours even though I TOLD my boss I could not work them! But apparently that doesn't fucking matter because school is nothing compared to sitting on my ass for 10 hours on a Sunday at work where it will be completely dead and an absolute waste of my fucking time.

Of course nobody can take that shift for me even though I've done the same for them a million times....and when I say "can't" take the shift, I mean "won't"

Last night I got about 2 hours of sleep because I was up working on a law paper and I was so stressed out all I could do was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. Then when I finally fell asleep at around 5:30 ish my alarm clock went off at 7am and off I went to school.

I looked around my apartment frantically for my notebook that contained all my fourth year Federal Offenders class notes only to find out that it is missing. I have torn this fucking apartment apart and it is no where to be found. This - SUCKS. This notebook contains all of my notes from the past 8 weeks and I'll never be able to catch up at this rate before the exam. I have no fucking idea where it could possibly be so I'm basically fucked.

The only good that came out of today was the 85% I got on my 40 page research proposal that took me about 2 months to write and research. I was very satisfied with my mark.

To make matters worse I'm suffering from some severe acid reflux that decided to erupt in the middle of my lecture this morning so I had to sit uncomfortably in a hard plastic seat for 2 hours holding back tears of pain and clutching my stomach. I seriously thought I was dying. I haven't had a bought this bad in a long time and I couldn't find my medication anywhere and these Tylenol aren't doing shit.

To top everything off, the fucking icing on the stale cupcake of my life I am supposed to be writing an exam this Friday from 8 pm - 10 pm. As you avid drinkers would know this Friday is actually St. Patty's day so if I wrote that exam I would be missing out on about $500-600 in tips that night. Therefore I am skipping the exam and getting a doctor's note because the Professor is being highly unreasonable in NOT allowing me to write the exam earlier that day. I know that doesn't sound bad and she shouldn't have to re arrange her schedule to accomodate me but there are also about 2,000 students in the class and about 700 of these students have COLDPLAY tickets for that exact night which they purchased in fucking May of '05 and she STILL will not re-schedule the exam for that morning. That's fucking ridiculous.

So yes, I'm being a fucking drama queen and I don't give a fuck. I can't handle today, tomorrow, or the rest of the week so if you don't get a post from me in a while I've either locked myself in my bathroom or I've packed the animals and moved to Tennesse to become a professional "dude-rancher"

This is a beautiful man

2006-03-14T21:25:00.000-06:00

James Blunt, I don't care for the music but I care for the man.

I don't think I've ever actually seen a picture of him until now, he is damn damn hot. The fact that he is a musician I think makes him that more attractive to me. Everyone has their own sexual preferences, Men, Women, Sheep - mine happens to be Musicians.

I'll bore you with another post of the other men I lust for since I have nothing better to write about on a boring Tuesday. In no paticular order I'll let you get a taste of what Ashley typically goes for man-wise, it's quite the Chinese Combo plate.

NIKKI SIXX

CAREY HART

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE

DANIEL VICTOR

EDWARD NORTON

TOMMY LEE

DANNY MESSER

Some people's children

2006-03-14T00:51:00.000-06:00

All right, ever since I've turned on the moderation option I've been bombarded with useless anonymous commentors and people apparently trying to prove something. "Oh, you don't go all moderation on me bitach! My opinion and slander is so important I'm going to keep commenting and showing you how you can't silence the idiotic majority!"

Fuck, right. Like I'm fucking crying myself to sleep because you have a hard on for making an ass out of yourselves.

I did get one comment today almost immediately after I made the post below which made me laugh. Honestly, do you people have a notification on so that when I make a new post you all run from your Dungeon's and Dragon's to try once again in vain to throw up some "original" "You're such a slut" comment? Listen Dark Wizard, if you're so overly concerned about my welfare and tits, I'll put up your comment here so you can get back to your miserable existence and hopefully you can get yourself off this time.

Say hi to mom for me.

"you're such a vacous bitch. All you do is talk about yourself and how horrible your life is, shut the fuck up and stop cryng, if you didnt post so many slutty pictures of yourself maybe people wouldnt treat you like a slut. i would have been giving those guys the high five if I was there. You act like a slut your going to be treated like a slut. don't pretend to be smart. you go to carleton, your blowjob ddint get you in the shitty acceptace level did"

Ok, now it's momma's turn to take over.

First of all, I never claimed to have a shitty existence. Yes, I bitch about certain aspects of my life and yes, my family/work/ school can drive me up the fucking wall. But let's be honest here, who doesn't hate their family/work/school every so often? If life was so easy nobody would have invented alcohol.

Secondly, I have never taken a naked picture of myself, I have never taken a picture of me posed underneath a group of naked men, nor have I ever taken a picture of me grabbing my naked *^%#%$#@ while sucking a massive cock . So if your idea of "slutty" is fully clothed, in front of a mirror with a camera then you need to move away from the Amish farm and into the real world sweetcheeks, you've obviously lived a sheltered life.

Thirdly, I bitch on my blog so I don't (a) Explode (b) Kill people. If I didn't have my blog to vent my anger and disgruntlements I'd seriously pull a Charles Whitman on the Texas Tower. Everyone has stress everyone deals with it a different way, I bitch about it here where people make a conscious decision as to whether or not they are going to read it. If you're already so aware of what a fucking "whiney bitch" I am why do you keep coming back? Do you think I'm suddenly going to find God and change my heathen ways? Or maybe you're just a sucker for punishment?

Finally, my "blowjob" didn't get me into Carleton on a scholarship, my 90% average did. And if you're going to insult someone based on their academic achievements ('achivements' being the operative word basement dweller) at least try, make a fucking effort to be grammatically correct and spell check. Always spellcheck if you're going to insult someone's intelligence. I could sit here and pick apart everyword you actually spelled wrong but that would be like teaching Helen Keller to read.

There, you got your comment up - maybe now you can sleep at night.

Fucking Northwest Airlines

2006-03-13T23:53:00.000-06:00

Tonight I was planning on watching a movie, having a bottle of wine and crashing hard.

But no, of course not because that would make Ashley happy, but we can't have Ashley happy now can we?

No, instead we call Ashley at work at 4 pm 2 hours before she gets to go home and relax and tell her that her brother's flight to Florida has been cancelled so to save them from having to drive back up to Ottawa to get him to the airport for 4 am he is just going to stay at MY place and I will take him to the airport for 4 am and then I will get up and go to class for 9 hours tomorrow.

I fucking hate my family, I'm an ungrateful bitch I know.

Just another shitty post

2006-03-12T14:36:00.000-06:00

It was an un-eventful evening last night so I don't have much to talk about.

So let's play a game

It's called "Whats the most embarassing thing on your iPod / Music Player?"

I was looking at my iTunes and I realized that I'm a fucking LOSER. I have the single most embarassing bands on my iPod it's so very sad.

Such as...

* Hedley (the band that's fronted by that kid who didn't win Canadian Idol, I <3 the CD)

* Meatloaf (Back into Hell, baby --- all the way back)

* Kelly Clarkson (someone should shoot me and put me out of my misery)

* The Carrie Underwood or whatever song, the one about Jesus and driving under the influence or something?

* A Limp Bizkit song (I refuse to say which one)

Top that kiddies.

And I feel like I'm a villain Jesus

2006-03-11T09:55:00.000-06:00

I think its just absolutely incredible how men don't even TRY anymore.

I'm not even kidding, men have apparently abandoned all efforts to engage in a meaningful conversation and just go straight for the goods.

Last night at work I have never EVER heard such crass from men when they're trying to hit on girls. Not just me, EVERY girl in the bar last night was subject to such bullshit from this group of guys that came in for a birthday party.

At one point this guy didn't even bother asking, "Hey whats your name?" or "How are you doing tonight?" he went straight for the, "So - do you shave your entire %#$%&^@?" I was like, fucking excuse me????? I couldn't even react back to that, he must either be really fucking stupid or really fucking ballsy to ask something like that. I'm going to go with 'stupid'.

The rest of the girls I work with were also coming up to me and saying, "Holy shit, you'll never believe what this guy asked / said to me!" Some choice quotes from last night:

"Let's skip names and get straight to the sex"
"I bet I could make you cum 5 times in one night"
"I have a huge cock, if you want I can show you...."

I don't know if we just got a "special" group in there last night or what but I seriously hope the rest of you men out there aren't that fucking ridiculous. None of us could even react properly we were just in absolute shock. I was pretty busy at the bar last night and even the other customers were like, "Holy fuck did he just say what I think he said???" It was seriously something out of a low budget porn film, all we needed was the pizza.

Anyways, it looks like I'm going to be in Montreal two weekends from now. The other bartender asked to switch shifts with me so I will be working her Wed night for my Saturday night(which is awesome since it's dart league night and the little geek that I have a huge crush on will be there and I'll be walking out with at least $300 that night). And I NEVER get Saturdays off anymore because of work so I'm fucking psyched. I told the girls I don't want to waste this oppurtunity on shitty Ottawa bars so we're renting a car for 3 days and getting a hotel room in Montreal for the weekend and getting absolutely fucked.

How messy is that going to be. Damn.

We'll be leaving early Saturday morning, coming home Monday afternoon sometime, whenever the hangovers subside.

The only thing is that we all haven't really been to Montreal before so

1) We don't know where we should stay
2) We don't know where we should party

So if anyone out there lives in Montreal and can offer us some suggestions that would be greatly appreciated. I know for a fact we're going to end up in some strip clubs since Montreal strippers are damn fucking hot and the other girls I'm going with have never experienced the Montreal strip club scene - so I'm going to corrupt them. Muahahaha.

Sugar we're going down SWINGING!

2006-03-09T17:34:00.000-06:00

How the HELL did I not find out about this until now!?

Fuck!

Nothing like a little "retail therapy" to cheer one right up!

2006-03-09T14:30:00.000-06:00

Like I said, I've come down with a pretty shitty cold and I've been a little stressed with school lately so last night I took the time to do a little shopping.

A little shopping at my favorite little online store.

Frederick's Of Hollywood

Oh yes, I can't fucking wait.

Mind you, I have no one to show it all off too but I girl can never have too much lingerie I always say.

....2-4 weeks until delivery....

I'm a psychiatrists wet dream

2006-03-08T17:12:00.000-06:00

Ever since I was a kid I've been absolutely terrified of needles.

I have no idea why, "It's not like getting a shot even hurts that much" everyone tells me. But it's not the "pain" that even bothers me. Just looking at needles, even having them in the same room as me, causes me to have a panic attack. I sob uncontrollably, hyperventilate and feel like I'm going to pass out.

Today in my abnormal psychology class we discussed "phobias" and "anxiety disorders". My prof mentioned that people often have at least one phobia caused by either a cognitive or behavioural malfunction. She started going on about how sometimes certain events in our lives cause us to become absolutely terrified of certain objects and places. For example being bitten by a dog when you were a kid may cause you to be scared of dogs as an adult, or having a bad experience in an airplane may cause you to be afraid of flying

So I called my mom today and asked her if anything traumatic happened to me as a child involving needles.

"Ashley I'm at work what do you want?"

"Did anything horrible happen to me when I was a kid with needles?"

"Needles?"

"Yah, like Doctor needles. Ones they give you booster shots with"

"No, I don't think so.....why are you asking me this now?"

"I want to know why Im so scared of them"

"Because you're a freak. I did drop you on your head when you were a baby though by accident"

"Maybe that would explain my fear of heights...."

The class today was actually pretty crazy since the phobia thing applied to me as well as the part of the lecture where my prof talked about OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

Now, I never thought that I had OCD before, I knew that I had some funny quirks but I figured it was normal.

I know better now. I apparently suffer from "maladaptive obsessive compulsions"

Loosely translated: I'm a fucking mess.

When people have OCD they have certain obsessions (such as germs) and their compulsion is how they deal with them (like washing your hands 25 times a day) That sounds EXACTLY like me!

I have this thing with door locks. When I'm at home I get up and check to make sure my door is locked at least once every hour. I don't know why, I didn't even notice I did it until one night when my friend was over she asked me why I kept looking at my door or checking the lock. I just shrugged it off but I realized today that I do that ALL the time! ALL THE TIME! EVERY DAMN HOUR! I have to check the lock! (in fact I caught myself checking my lock while I wrote this post)

I also have a thing with germs, it's gotten better since I was a teen but I used to wash my hands so much to the point where they were cracked, bleeding, red, blotchy and there was skin missing. I don't do it so much anymore, but I do wash my hands a lot more than the average person.

When I get nervous, or I feel anxious I pick underneath my fingernails until they bleed. I keep picking and picking and I have no idea why. I'll usually take a pen or scissors or whatever is available and scrape underneath my nail sometimes up to an hour in one sitting Especially when I'm studying or I get nervous. I practically have no skin underneath my nails since I pick at them so much

Last but not least I hate mirrors at night time. I will not look into the bathroom mirror when I get up to go pee, and I cover all mirrors that surrond me with anything I can find before I go to sleep. I don't like having mirrors reflect anything when I sleep, it creeps me out.

I dont think there's enough medication in the discovered world that could make me "normal"

Benadryl should be an illegal street drug

2006-03-07T23:03:00.000-06:00

Is it safe to drink an entire bottle of cough medicine in one day? I don't imagine it would be but I'm trying to beat the odds here.

It reminds me of that episode of the Simpsons where Homer makes that drink and the secret ingredient is Children's Cough Medicine and then Moe steals it. Man, I love the Simpsons.

Once again, Im currently fighting with Rogers only this time the cable company.

They sent me a warning telling me that they were going to cut off my cable and my internet if I didn't pay for the last two months of service. But what stupid fucking Rogers doesn't realize is that I am staring at my online payment history and they've been paid for a long time now.

So I don't know what fucking monkeys they have working for them there but someone isn't doing their damn job as per usual. I'm going to call tomorrow and raise Hell, Ashley style. I would have done so today but I could have very easily been talking to an alley cat and wouldn't know the difference considering how doped up I was.

But for now I'm going to bed and making this post short and crappy since I feel like ass.

Back to my cold, cold, empty, lonely bed. I think someone needs to come over and feed me some chicken noodle soup and read me Dr. Suess in bed.

BAM!

2006-03-06T02:00:00.000-06:00

It nearly killed me, but I finally finished it.

I finished this goddamn, fucking assignment that was the single most ridiculous peice of garbage I have ever encountered in my entire post secondary career.

I finished a retarded critical analysis of the movie "Crash" and how it protrays the police and the policed.

I also finished a bottle of Watermelon vodka in the meantime because I nearly tore off my own skin writing this fucking essay and I needed something to numb the pain of how obviously stupid this assignment actually was.

Now all I need is some ice, a martini shaker and a hot cabana boy with a tight ass to alleviate the physical inury this fucking paper inflicted upon me.

This would do just fucking nicely...

Bored and Gorgeous

2006-03-05T13:31:00.000-06:00

There is this band that I love but I haven't been able to find their CD anywhere. I think they only have 1 cd and it hasn't been released anywhere. So if you guys happen to be out one day at the music store and see a CD in I guess the punk/alternative section by a band called "CLEAVAGE" (a few of the songs include 'Future's Fire' , 'Riddled' and 'Bored and Gorgeous') can you pick it up and I'll totally pay for it, the S & H and you for your troubles.

That'd be killer, thanks.

After considering all the crap that is happening the past little while with the emails and comments I came to two conclusions about what to do

1) Not allow comments on my blog and remove my email address
2) Follow Kasia's advice, stop being retarded and just figure out how to update the security on my comment space

I think I'll go with option #2

As far as emails go, the best I can do is ignore them and delete them. As for those anonymous test-tube babies who think I'm in it for the attention - thanks for feeding it to me with your anonymous comments and proving further that my life is of obvious interest to mouth breathers such are yourselves. Way to stroke my ego, Chief.

Last night at work was interesting, I realized that for the most part drunk people either sicken me or entertain me. Some guy was there with a group of people doing shooters at the bar and he seemed like a really nice character, wasn't boisterous or rude and then he hands me this buisness card and tells me to consider it as he leaves.

"WEBGIRLS - WHATS YOUR FANTASY?"

This guy runs a fucking website that has little girls (well, not little but you know what I mean) posing nude, touching themselves, mouthing " I want you" for $2.95 a minute. Now, imagine me as a webgirl?

"You're a pervert! I'm not touching myself! Hey - you, yah you - log off and spend some time with your wife and kids! And YOU! You're 45 move out of your parent's basement Trekkie!"

Oh I could see that one going over well.

And no, I'm not giving you the name of the site either.

Then this guy that was married to my dad's cousin for like 20 years, I've known him since I was probably 3 years old came in and asked me out on a date. Thats fucking sick, sick SICK! I was like, dude - you used to push me on the tire swing and read me Dr.FuckingSuess! I find out my dad told him where I worked so I'm planning on going to Brockville and smacking him with a tire iron for being so retarded. I wish my family would stop telling people where I worked.

The people I think are the most disgusting are the couples that make out shoving their tongues down each other's throats, basically swallowing each other's faces. That I can do without seeing 15 times a night. Why can't people keep that shit at home?

Ugh, this was a crappy post I know but I'm tired and I have to get back to this assignment.

I was never cool, you thought I was a cowboy

2006-03-03T00:04:00.000-06:00

Here I am, sitting at my desk with about a million and one little sticky-notes of quotes and lines from the movie "Crash" screaming to be used in this goddamn essay that is taking far too long. I don't know what it is about me and assignments, I always half ass them and regurgitate some bullshit references to make them look pretty and yet I still pull an 80%. Now can you imagine if I actually put some effort into school?

I think I'm starting to burn out. Its only my third year and already I want to fucking poke out my own eyeballs with rusty spoons. Mind you, going to work every Friday and Saturday just makes me want to graduate and get a real job even more, so I at least have that to inspire me to finish.

I don't know what it is, I'm tired of deadlines, I'm tired of scrambling to keep myself sane when I finish 1 assignment then have 4 more handed to me. I'm sick and tired of sitting up until 3 - 4 - 5 am staring at Word second guessing my grammar skills. "Does this make sense or am I just that fucking tired?"

It's easy to have goals, its just hard to reach them.

The worst part about school is when you have a million and one deadlines and only about 3 cans of tuna in your cupboard along with an expired carton of milk in your fridge. When you have a 20 page essay due you don't have time to do groceries. I don't know who came up with the whole, "Freshmen 15" bullshit, I think I've actually LOST weight from being in school.

Thank God I got clean clothes though. Finally did my laundry today.

Before I sign off from this little post, I'd like to address a problem that has been occuring as of late in the form of email. Lately I have been getting anywhere from 8 - 10 emails asking personal questions about things I don't feel are necessary to talk about.

If it's not on my blog, it's not up for discussion, it's as simple as that. Mainly these emails are asking me ridiculous questions about my past relationship with Rich or about a post about Matt made on a messageboard that I haven't been on in God know's how long and people have even been going so far as to ask me how many guys I've had sex with.

Seriously, if it doesn't stop I'm going to post these email addressses. I do not understand why someone would give a shit enough to even bother emailing me about such things. My life is not that interesting.

NEVERENDING WHITE LIGHTS

2006-03-01T12:15:00.000-06:00

Concert pics....

I have no idea how to format them to fit them on my blog properly so you'll just have to deal with it. The concert was absolutely amazing, everything I hoped it would be (and a little more). Daniel Victor has such an amazing talent, he played and sang beautifully last night. Did I mention he's a total fucking babe as well? I'm sure I have at one point.

Anyways, the show started off with the ever so talented Marco DiFelice who actually helped compose "A Little Peice" (on of my personal favorites off the album) He was hilarious and was a perfect opening act. Daniel's set was amazing, the songs sounded so incredible and the tempo was slightly more upbeat than on the album but it fit perfectly with the show. I think I nearly wet myself when the played, "The Grace" since it's also one of my favorites. And a man that can play the guitar AND piano, my God....

After the show I waited for the hoardes of 13 year old groupy girls to remove themselves from Daniel and the rest of the band and spoke to them briefly (apparently I look like Naomi...?) Then we all went to Zaphod's to party afterwards. They are all just really awesome down to earth guys that love their Amaretto....I seriously had one of the best nights I've had in a LONG LONG LONG time. Considering what Hell the last week has been I defintely needed this.

So you guys totally need to check the band out, they are just amazing. I really think you would love the album and the live show is even better. Ps. Guys, congrats on the Number 1 spot in Toronto!

**I removed the pics but I will have them back up again as soon as I can figure out how to adjust them properly with my explorer**

White walls and the mess they contain between them

2006-02-26T20:02:00.000-06:00

It appears the emergency, while great, will not keep me away from Ottawa nor my blog for long, I'll be home tomorrow morning. I've been pacing around a hospital for the past 12 hours although its felt like a lifetime. Its amazing just how easily life can seriously become interrupted. One minute I was working, having a good time, catching up on all of the work gossip next thing I know I'm consoling my mother and rushing down to the Brockville General.

It's been a long two days and I haven't slept much. Eating and sleeping haven't exactly been my top prirority.

I was just saying to a friend the other day after watching the news that life is so unpredictable it's somewhat scary. One minute you could be walking to the corner store to pick up a carton of milk and the next minute you're the victim of a senseless act of violence and your family is attending your funeral. I mean, it's really quite disturbing that in a flash you could cease to exist. I know that we don't live forever, that one day we'll never see a sunset, or take in a movie and the world will keep going on without us.

I tell my friends all the time that the idea of death doesn't terrify me, it's the after part that I'm worried about.

I become really anxious in hospitals. I hate being surronded by depressing off white walls, by .25 cent coffee machines and ominous PA voices calling for doctors. The fact that I have a severe phobia of needles doesn't exactly help either. I hate being surronded by the sterile smell of waiting rooms knowing that no Lysol could ever rid a room of death, pain or suffering.

Being a sickly kid growing up I spent most of my time living in hospitals. You have no idea what its like to be so young and have an hour time slot per day in which you can see your own parents. Each new day brought a new stuffed animal and another heartbreak when the nurse told my parents that I needed my rest. My little 8x10 black and white TV hardly brought me any solice. I just wanted to go home and have the damn tubes taken out of my little body. Going back to hospitals these days brings me back to past where I slept for a good portion of my youth between cold metal bars tucked in by a person I hardly knew.

It's selfish to compare myself to them but I know that they feel the exact same way I did. Alone, depressed and longing for our own beds. Cringing each time the PA called for a doctor and hardly noticing our roomate in the bed next to us.

Hospitals terrify me too.

I feel like that Little Albert kid each time I go down the white and blue halls. You know, the kid that was conditioned to be afraid of white rabbits but eventually became afraid of anything white and fluffy? Thats like me and white walls. I hate them. Every place I have ever lived in since I have left for University has only had white walls. I hate these walls too. Being in the hospital today I seriously wanted to throw my coffee against them just to add a little color and to fuck them up just a little bit - to make them not so sterile.

I tried that once when I was a kid and in the hospital, apparently they don't take too kindly to 11 year olds Crayola-ing their hospital rooms. I thought it looked nice.

Now I sit at home in Brockville just staring blankly at the computer screen after I've showered the smell of nothing off of me. Everyone keeps telling me that things are going to be all right, that they "fixed her" before anymore damage occured.

But what they don't realize is that the damage is just beginning for tonight she will be resting between cold metal bars and she will be tucked in by someone she hardly knows and she will be looking at nothing but four white walls.

NO UPDATES FOR A WHILE

2006-02-25T23:45:00.000-06:00

Sorry guys, there's a family emergency so I will be in Brockville for a few days.

Have a good one kids.

I need a REAL job

2006-02-25T12:07:00.000-06:00

And soon

I can't wait until April 2007 when I'm done school and can actually go out into the workforce instead of having to come home at 3 in the morning exhausted and sticky from the bar head to toe.

Someone recognized me last night at work from my blog, it was actually pretty cool. What was even cooler was that he thought I wasn't nearly as bitchy and I sounded in my blog, go figure.

So thanks dude, next time you're in shooters are on me.

This is what I do when I'm bored, take absolutely ridiculous photos of myself doing absolutely ridiclous poses

2006-02-24T00:45:00.000-06:00

You'd never know as of late that I actually hate getting my picture taken...go figure

See kids, this is what school will do to 'ya

Ode to Mom

2006-02-23T19:16:00.000-06:00

My mother's birthday is coming up on March 1st and I am awaiting the inevitable mental breakdown and pity parade phone calls to follow. My mother freaks out with each birthday and with each birthday I have to fucking hear about it.

Did I mention she's only turning 39??

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my mom - the spaz - is only turning 39 years old. She isn't even 40 for Christ's sakes and already she's planning her funeral. She wants to have Whitesnake's "Judgement Day" played at her funeral. I told her she was retarded, she told me that my dad wanted Skynard's "Simple Man" played at his.

Conclusion? Both my parents are confused individuals and you all no longer have to wonder where the Hell I get it from.

So anyways, she calls me today all despondant about turning 39 on Wed like her face is going to fall off and some Logan's Run shit is going to wipe her off the face of the planet.

"Hey, are you busy right now?"

"No, I'm just getting some school work done so that I can support your ass in the nursing home, whats up?"

"Don't say nursing home! You know my birthday is Wednesday!"

"Dude, you're turning 39 chill out"

"Thats one year closer to 40!"

"And 11 years closer to 50, whats your point?"

"I'm going to be old!"

"Mom, you're 39. You have a 22 year old and a 16 year old, your tits are just as big and fake as Pamela's, you have more tattoos than your own daughter and guys my age are still trying to rail you. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Don't say rail, Ashley it sounds horrible"

"Is there anything else you want or are we going to go through the same routine again this year?"

"Maybe I should get another tattoo?"

"Maybe you should just rail a 20 year old and get it out of your system"

"What did I just say to you?"

"Ok well, you can't be that old if I've dated guys almost your age"

"Like that makes me feel any better"

"Listen, I have to go and get this work done."

"I can't believe I'm getting this old! Soon I'm going to be in an old folks home!"

"At least you'll be the only 90 year old with tits you could bounce quarters off of."

"You're impossible"

"And I came from your womb and share 50% of your genes, goodnight mom"

"You're adopted!"

I love how my dad just doesn't give a shit about his birthdays. I called him on Feb 9th to wish him a Happy 43rd and he was like, "Oh, yah it's my birthday today right? Forgot all about it"

He's a good man.

Edit: I'm not actually adopted.

My iPod is broken

2006-02-23T13:43:00.000-06:00

I want to curl up into the fetal position in a dark corner of my living room and cry myself to sleep. I suppose I could always take it back and demand that it be fixed but I'll probably be without it for 2-3 weeks. This saddens me.

Isn't it pathetic how humans can become so easily attatched to material goods and gadgets?

I swear to God, if my cable ever went out and I didn't have my A & E channel for a night I'd probably have a stroke.

Want to know how to piss Ashley off?

2006-02-22T23:43:00.000-06:00

First off, make sure she is slightly behind in her schoolwork and she has to spend from 9 am - 10 pm in the ITV Media Office at school. This tiny room was designed by Cattle Co. Canada to allow for minimum movement between students and maximum user occupancy. In other words, you can't fucking breathe without getting your spit on the person squished up next to you at the other television.

Thats why I sit at the very end of the rows, at least that way I'm only dry humping one person instead of two.

Then, after she has spent countless hours in that shit hole make sure you have all of the cafeterias closed so Ashley has to live off of smarties, one bite brownies and Doritos and any other crap you find in the school's vending machines - I think I have gut rot now. Apparently people don't actually DO schoolwork during reading week so Carleton doesn't feel the need to keep their troughs open during this week

Because let's be honest, I should be kickin' it in Florida, South Beach or Miami - not becoming an expert in DNA legislation and neurotransmitters. Fucking reading week.

Then be sure, at around 9 at night when everyone has left and there are a million fucking seats available in the ITV room you sit RIGHT beside me and smell like whatever disgusting shit you ate for dinner. Just get right up in there and nuzzle in beside me so I can take in the rank fucking bile you consumed for dinner. Because it would be unethical for you to sit somewhere else in the other 4 rows in the damn room, nope - better attach yourself to my fucking ass so that I can barely move my pen without hitting your fucking face.

As well, be sure to fucking whip out your cell phone every 5 goddamn minutes in the ITV office and talk so fucking loud that the entire University can hear you. I mean, it's only fair for you to have to discuss your everyday adventures with all of your equally loser friends while your sitting right beside me and yell out, "No shit man! No shit man! No shit man!" like you're a fucking 50 Cent record caught in your CD player.

I finally got so pissed off with this guy I whipped off my head phones and slammed my book down,

"Would you shut the fuck up! I can hear you through my fucking headphones! Take your conversation outside! Christ!"

Then what does dickshit do?

KEEPS FUCKING TALKING!

Yah, keep doing that - then I REALLY get fucking pissed off.

I whipped off my headphones,

"HELLO! I CAN STILL FUCKING HEAR YOU!"

He finally got the hint.

Then as Ashley starts leaving the University please be sure to ask her what time it is, or what time the bus is coming when THE BUS SCHEDULE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU as Ashley is quite obviously listening to her iPod. Ashley loves it when people fucking talk to her while she is listening to her iPod, she thinks these people are of superior intelligence and she would never dream of strangling them until their little eyes popped out of their heads with her headphone cord.

And if that wasn't enough to get her going make sure you act like her annoying and rude fucking neighbours and smoke till you get cancer in the hallways of her apartment building. Thats EXACTLY what Ashley loves, second-hand-cancer. Nothing like coming home from a shitty fucking day to someone's stale old Indian Import cigarettes peeling the paint off the fucking walls.

I think I want to be a Crown Attorney now, I want to lock people away in prison where they can never annoy the fuck out of the rest of the world. I think this is a good field for me to get into.

Does anybody know....

2006-02-22T15:25:00.000-06:00

How to get rid of spam emails??

I get at least 10 - 15 spam emails from Viagra companies (which is odd considering I don't have a dick) and these people in like fucking Budapest asking me if I would like their millions of dollars and online pharmaceutical companies trying to give me free trial drugs.

I click on the emails hoping to get those links where it allows you to take yourself off their mailing lists but like 90% of these emails don't have those links. Its fucking annoying having to delete Sahmir Budhsdjjeadkdfdasphelan and Dr. Love every 5 fucking mins. and I want them GONE!

How do I do this without invoking bodily harm upon someone?

The Story on Page 1

2006-02-21T12:39:00.000-06:00

I worked Sunday night on the floor (for those of you not up to date on restaurant terms that means I was serving) which I absolutely hate with a passion since I am a bartender, not a damn server. I'm allowed to be evil and tell people off to an extent on the bar, I can't say shit when I serve.

Around 12 am these 4 people that have come in before, straight out of the trailer park came in and sat down. Already I was grouchy since I was still working and I wanted to go home to "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" which I had just purchased that afternoon. I went over to the table and asked them what they wanted to drink, the one girl looked no older than 17 so I asked her for her ID.

The dude across from her gave me nothing but attitude for it and I told him I was just doing my job.

She produced a birth certificate so I said, "Well... I can't take that for 2 reasons. 1) its not a vaild peice of ID and 2) it doesn't even have your picture on it. Sorry"

Then big mouth again starts yapping about how she doesn't drive so I told her to go to the liquor store and apply for a BYID which I could take. He TOLD me to serve her now and he'd bring it in tomorrow for me. I told him tomorrow wouldn't work for me if I got fired tonight and that she wasn't drinking. He kept going on and on and I kept repeating, "Im just doing my job, I'm just doing my job" eventually he let up and ordered for the table

For him, a screwdriver and a bottle of Heineken, for his buddy a bottle of Heineken and for the lady beside him a double vodka soda and the underager a sprite.

I brought them their drinks intending to keep a close on eye on him to see whether or not he would give her one of his drinks. As soon as I brought the drinks over he said, "We'll take another round" I said he could wait to finish this round and he started getting mouthy again. I told him that once again I was just doing my job and I could only serve a person 2 drinks at a time maximum.

I went back to the bar to watch them and make sure that they didn't give her any alcohol, 2 mins later the fucking grease pit monkey that he is (oh, did I mention he was one of those cool gino guys that drives a camaro with the fucking lights on the rims and wears fucking basketball jersies?) tells me, "Ok I'm done I want another one" I said you aren't done and slammed his entire bottle of Heineken in front of him that was full. He was like, "Fuck you I want my other round now you said two drinks at a time blah blah blah Im a loser Im an idiot my house has wheels blah blah" I told him I would bring him another round when he finished that one - entirely.

So about 5 mins. goes by and he calls me back over to the table. He asks me what my best wine by the bottle was and I was like, "How the fuck would you know? You probably drink fermented grapes out of a fucking milk carton thats been sitting on your trailer porch for 6 months you fucking loser" but instead I pointed out to him a decent bottle of white wine and he ordered it then asked for another round of the same drinks. I told him NO - you can have the round of drinks but you will then have to wait for the wine

"Fuck you think you can tell me how to drink and how not to with your fucking 10$ an hour?"

I was like dude, first of all you have no idea how much I make an hour he said, I know everything about this business and how much you make I told him that unless he had one of my paychecks in front of him he has no idea and to keep his mouth shut.

I brought out the round of drinks and their bill. I told them that I was not comfortable serving them any longer and the guy with the attitude could take it to another bar that would put up with his shit. If he had a problem with the way I was serving he could leave.

Two mins. later I watch them all get up and start walking down the stairs, I ran towards the door and yelled, "GET THE FUCK BACK UP HERE AND PAY YOUR BILL!" The grease yelled back, "FUCK YOU I'M NOT PAYING FOR NOTHING YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH!" I yelled, "GET THE FUCK BACK UP HERE OR I AM CALLING THE FUCKING COPS ON YOU!"

My manager heard the noise and she came running to the stairs with a regular who is a rather fair size. The loser guy ran up to the stairs got right into my face and said, "FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE BITCH IVE NEVER HAD USUCH SHITTY FUCKING SERVICE I COULD FUCKING BUY THIS BAR AND FUCKING BURN IT DOWN YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH!!! YOU WATCH YOUR FUCKING BACK YOUR BOUNCER CAN'T BE WITH YOU ALL THE TIME! I COULD FUCKING BUY YOU RIGHT NOW I GOT OVER A FUCKING THOUSAND IN MY POCKET RIGHT NOW!"

I smiled and said, "Great - then you can afford to pay your fucking bill"

He reared back like he was going to fucking smack me in the face so my manager pushed me back and the big regular stepped in.

"OH WHAT THE FUCK, YOU HER BOUNCER NOW? WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"

Tracy said, "I am the fucking manager and you're barred. Pay your bill and get the hell out, don't ever come back!"

So buddy thew me like $80 or something and walked down the stairs then proceeded to take a piss all over the hallway. My manaeger called the cops and I don't know what happened from there since I had an escort leading me to a cab to get me home.

And that was my night, fun eh?

You know whats fun?

2006-02-20T00:40:00.000-06:00

Having someone threaten your fucking life at work and telling you to watch your back.

Thats fucking fun.

I'm going to bed.

NEVERENDING WHITE LIGHTS - TOUR DATES

2006-02-18T16:12:00.000-06:00

So like I said, this band NWL fronted by the ever so talented (and, if I may say so, gorgeous) Daniel Victor is amazing and they are a definite must see. The CD is called Neverending White Lights: Act 1 so purchase it and love it.

Daniel is based out of Windsor and he's trying to get himself out there so he deserves a shout - out from us loyal Canadians. I'll be attending the Ottawa show this Monday @ Babylon, doors open at 6:30 pm so be there dammit, don't make me hunt you down.

If you do not live in the Ottawa area you can find the other tour dates here

I really suggest you look into this band, Daniel's music has a dark, almost melancholic feel to it but it's put together so beautifully and backed by other equally talented musicians who guest on the CD. If you like that genre of music I totally suggest you look into NWL.

As well, it appears Matt Good has posted his acoustic tour dates so check that out too, if you haven't already purchased In A Coma I suggest you do so. It includes all of his greatest hits starting as far back as Last of the Ghetto Astronauts. The CD's also include special features such as videos with commentary and acoustic versions of some of his best hits.

Edit: I should note that neither artist has posted all of their tour dates so keep checking out their sites to see if they are coming to a city near you.

I never again want to hear the words Jager and Bomb in the same sentence

2006-02-18T13:08:00.000-06:00

Thursday night was a messy, messy night.

I would have told you all about it on Friday but I slept in until 3 pm before I had to get ready for work because I couldn't drag my hungover ass out of bed.

I did 15 Jagerbombs in less than an hour.....it wasn't my fault though, they were $3 each and I had a really shitty night AND I was being challenged by a friend to see who could do the most.

I won.

Thats all I can remember about that night, I think I went to some country bar or whatever afterwards but I think we just made it for last call and I headed back home with my girlfriend who then discovered that her car was stolen from the front of my apartment building. That was fun calling the police and reporting it while we were both pretty smashed.

Before we went out I had my critical analysis of studies in criminal justice class. Which I hate going to for 2 reasons:

1) Its on Thursdays from 6 - 9. Its the only damn class I have on Thursdays so its a waste of a day
2) My prof has a hard on for me

Now I'm not saying that to be egotistical, oh no - its been proven.

For the first few weeks of class my friends kept telling me that the prof was staring at me each lecture. I was like, there are 200 students in this damn class, there is no way he's staring AT me, we do sit in the middle of the lecture room so it could just be like, one of those optical illusions where you THINK someone is looking straight at you, but really they're not.

To prove them wrong we sat in the very left of the lecture hall to switch it up a bit and so we wouldn't be in the direct attention of the prof. Sure enough, he spent the night on the left side of the lecture room staring in our direction

Creepy.

Then Thursday night (keep in mind I have NEVER given him my name, I have NEVER answered a question in class and my friends have NEVER said my name in his presence) I went down to ask him for another copy of the second assignment, as soon as I stepped down I didn't even say a word and he goes, "Yes Ashley - what can I do for you?"

How fucking bizarre is that??

I asked for a second copy of the assignment and ran back to my seat. Later on in the evening he was doing a re-enactment of the JFK assasination and said he was going to randomly pick 4 volunteers from the class list to act as JFK, Jackie, The Govenor and the Govenor's wife. I turned to my friends and said how much do you want to fucking bet he's going to call me down there. They laughed and said no way and I fucking KNEW he was going to. Sure enough, he started going randomly down the class list calling out names then he puts down the list, looks at me and goes "Ashley"

I practically yelled at my friends, "I fucking TOLD you so!"

After the stupid and completely pointless re enactment was over, the lecture went on for anotehr hour then he handed back the assignments we did 2 weeks ago. Now, this assignment I did in an hour, I failed to put it in APA style, I completely ignored the rules of grammar or spellcheck and I didn't even DO the readings.

My friends on the other hand worked for hours on theirs, they followed all the rules and did all the readings. The class average was 60% they all got 75-78% on their assignments which was pretty damn good we thought. Then I get my assignment back, 85 fucking percent.

I don't even think he READ my paper because if he did he would know that I obviously put 0 effort into it and I didn't bother with the readings.

Now if that doesn't prove something I don't know what the hell does.

I'm feelin' sexy tonight in my new pj's!

2006-02-16T22:12:00.000-06:00

...even if the lighting in my apartment sucks and I don't know how to work the "auto pic" option on my digital camera.

So screw you, don't make fun of my picture-taking-skils, or lack thereof.