Midget Porn is my Anti Drug

All Good Things Must Come to An End...

2006-09-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

I am retiring the blog for a while. I can't exactly say how long, and I have my own reasons for doing so but I thank you to all my fellow bloggers for making the past 3 years a trip.

Thanks once again, I wish you all the best

Ashley

Update from the F-L-A

2006-08-19T14:50:00.000-05:00

Ok, so terrorists didn't explode my plane
And terrorists didn't try setting their shoes on fire
And terrorists didn't try to smuggle Gatorade bottles full of napalm

But the food on the flights did suck and I hit a hell of a lot of turbulance

If that counts?

The flight here was fine I guess, I barely made it over the border because some overpaid customs Rent a Cop decided that today he was going to be a prick. He kept asking me the same questions over and over again then told me that it was suspicious of me to be going over the border with only one suitcase - that because I was "only a bartender" I had no real ties in Canada so I could easily just be trying to smuggle myself into the States

Right.

Like I'd want to live in your fucking country where just because someone has some goddamn cracker - jacks badge they think they own you

"Hey whitey - why don't you fuck off and spend more time harassing more suspicious looking folks than some 23 year old girl with a fucking campus card?"

Now, I'm not racist or anything either but on the last connecting flight here I thought I'd for sure have the entire row to myself since the flight was basically empty. Here I was all excited like to stretch my legs and relax on my way down when Muhammed Al-Sharia W?hathaveyou sits beside me clutching his bag like it carried the antidote in it.

That got me slightly worried

I know its not right to racially profile someone but fuck, come on - like you all wouldn't do the same. He looked really shifty, he kept darting his eyes back and forth the entire time on the flight so needless to say I kept my eyes on his shoes and bag the entire time

But I made it, I'm here now and it was my birthday yesterday so I'm old.

POISON is tomorrow and I'm stoked.

My London Bridge is Falling Down

2006-08-10T12:39:00.000-05:00

As it turns out I might not be going to Florida as scheduled.

My mom called me today freaking out asking me if I have seen the news lately which I have not because of work and she told me that the U.S. Gov't uncovered a Al Queda plot to blow up 10 U.S. National flights out of London on Continental, US Airways and United Airlines.

I always fly US Airways when I go to Florida.

So now when I fly (should I still decide to do so) I cannot take any shampoo or gel products with me, I cannot have a cell phone on my persons, I cannot have a stitch of carry on luggage (I can have a small purse and a magazine but thats it) and I'll have to make it to the border to fly out 2 hours in advance just in case.

This is seriously the creepiest and one of the scariest things to ever hit my reality. We were all affected by 9/11 - every single one of us - but the reality of a new 9 / 11 hitting home scares me to no end. I don't want to be in a 14 / 06 movie, I want to go back to the days of worrying about a wing maybe falling off or an emergency landing. I dont want to be worrying that some guy might try to light his shoes on fire.

Fuck.

Take that, bitches!

2006-08-02T12:52:00.000-05:00

Finally, a new fucking update. I've had nothing to report the past few days since I've been working and getting my shit together for Florida.

Leaving in 2 weeks baby for an all expense paid trip to the sunny skies, the white beaches and the blue waters.

Worship me.

Anyways, today was the second court date dealing with all the landlord bullshit from my last place. Today I was proudly sitting on the "Applicant" side, otherwise known as the "You bitches are going down" side.

My old landlord and his skeezy lawyer with his mocking grin both walked in as though they were at a fucking cake walk and were the only ones in the circle. I played the whole "doe eyed bambi hunters just shot my mom" look as though I was naive enough to actually think I might have a sympathy vote.

We all waited around for about 2 hours waiting for a mediation room when we just got tired of sitting in that goddamn tribunal room so I approached the lawyer and asked if he wanted to talk things out privately and save ourselves some time. He agreed and I wanted to smack that fucking smirk off his face with my new heels but I just smiled and led him to the lion's den.

Once we got in there he said, "So how much are you willing to settle for then?" (remember: the last time I was in there I lost and owed them 600 plus the 200 dollar application fee) Thinking this was going to be an easy fight I looked him right in the eye and said,

"I'm willing to settle for you paying half of the settlement"

The look on his face was fucking priceless! He was like, "What the hell do you mean you're willing to let my client pay for half of it??"

I said, "I agree that I gave your client my two months notice 2 weeks late and I agree to pay for those two weeks. I however do not agree that I should pay the rest of the rent amount owing since I already paid my last months rent upon signing the lease and I wasn't in any way hindering them from showing the apartment or renting it out. I was out when I said I was going to be out and I think that me only paying half is completely jusitifed."

By now the lawyers thinking Im fucking crazy or something and he goes, "I dont think that's very reasonable at all"

I said, "I don't think its reasonable that your client screwed with me from day one by renting me an apartment that was unavilable and willingly took my first and last months rent for that place. I dont think its reasonable that your client attempted to illegally increase my rent by 200$ a month, I dont think its reasonable that I had to spend my few days off looking for a place to live,pay for a moving company and lose $400 because I moved out on a nite that I should have been working. I do however think its reasonable that I pay for the 2 weeks late notice and only half of the application fee since you are the ones that dragged me here."

End: "doe eyed Bambi" look
Cue: "you're screwed mother fuckers" look

Lawyer-man then tells me that he still thinks its unreasonable and he wants us to go to trial.

I said, "Fine - I can wait as long as it takes for us to actually have my case heard, its my day off I've got all the time in the world"

That unsettled look crossed his face once more and he looked pissed! It was fucking fantastic! He went bright red with anger and I swear to God I think he wanted to bitch slap me.

Before he could even say another word my old landlord agreed to let me only pay for the 2 weeks which was 300$ and half of the application fee. He told his lawyer that he wasn't waiting any longer to just sign the damn agreement and get out of there.

Victory is mine.

So NoToriOus

2006-07-25T10:12:00.000-05:00

Tori Spelling came in on Sunday nite and chilled on the patio with her new love toy husband.

It amazes me, the whole "celebrity reaction". Most of the girls I work with were talking about how exciting it was and were making excuses to walk outside

Dont get me wrong, I snuck a peek but mainly to see how plastic she looked in person. She's actually a very nice girl as is her husband but lets be honest: She was famous through her late father and for her valley girl sitcom in the 80's. I wasn't jumping up and down holding a napkin and ballpoint squealing for an autograph.

Mind you, if Tommy Lee or Johnny Depp walked in there's a good chance I'd lose my job because I would be dry humping the shit out of those boys.

I've just never understood the human fascination with celebrities. I read the tabloids because I find them to be amusing. "Ooooh that bitch took my man so I'm going to date this guy and Lindsay is sucking a different c*ck each day, look at Paris she's naked!" Its the same shit, different week. Trash TV and Mag's are like a stand up routine you can read/watch over and over again.

The only time I can recall becoming tongue tied and falling over my own face when meeting a celebrity was the time I ran into Johnny Knoxville at Universal Studios in Florida. I ran up to him, just kind of stared at him as if to say something and all I managed to get out was, "You're Johnny Knoxville..." he just looked at me, said "Yep" and walked away. I wanted to take a hot bath and scrub myself clean for being such a fucking loser. I blame that on the fact that I think he's ridiculously hot so like any girl I didn't know what to say

But Tori Spelling?

C'mon.

Hypocrisy amongst the ranks

2006-07-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

Surprise Surprise

The skinniest, most fucked up looking, trans gender tart on Canada's Top Model won the low fat, sugar free, 0 cal cake last nite.

The one that the judges said needed to eat a sandwich.

I guess that looks good on air right?

"We don't want to send a message to all the young impressionable girls that watch this show that the only way you'll get ahead in life and in this business is if you are rail thin and vomit up all of your wheat crackers"

She's super skinny and goes against everything we are trying to teach these young ladies but fuck it, lets vote her in anyways. She'll only have some lame ass modeling contract holding a Canadian Beaver for a Tim Horton's commerical anyways.

Its fucking sick that these people can be such goddamn hypocrites. Don't tell the bitch to eat a sandwich then reward her for not eating. Pavlov would roll over in his fucking grave if he saw how poorly his operant conditioning was being used.

Whatever, anyways GO DILANA! On Rock Star Supernova. I'm fucking addicted to that show!

I might be drunk, but you're still ugly

2006-07-17T02:10:00.000-05:00

I'm still technically on a haitus, but what the hell, its 330 am and I'm still awake so here's a little candy for my chillin's

Basically I'm on a hiatus for many reasons

I've got way too much personal shit happening right now that I can't even begin to explain. The main bartender quit where I work so I have been pulling extra shifts like a hooker on Vanier. I've been putting in 50 - 60 hour weeks which is fucking crazy when you work at a bar and are consistently on your feet. In fact, I could have sworn my feet were giving me the finger this morning when I woke up

On top of that I've been trying to mingle in the single scene and let me tell you this: All of the attractive, intelligent, good humored and kind men in Ottawa are either

1) Taken or..

2) Gay

It honestly makes me want to become a lesbian

Its seriously a fact of life, if you aren't willing to scrape the bottom of the proverbial barrel you're destined to be one of those bitter bar maids working in a cheap ass diner on a street corner with 50 cats

Hell, I've already started naming mine.

Most of the men I've encountered are either dumb as shit or are just looking for some bimbo that can smile, twirl her hair and say "Oh yah!" when they pinch her ass. I can honestly say I've never twisted my hair a day in my life and if you pinch my ass there's a good chance a slap may follow....and not of the good kind either

So as it stands right now I'm a little too preoccupied with life and all its fun little fuck ups to really update my blog. But I promise once I figure out what the fuck is going on and why the fuck I should give a damn I'll update more.

Thanks for sticking around,

-A

Hiatus

2006-07-09T10:00:00.000-05:00

Im going to be taking a personal leave from my blog for a while, I just need to get some life orienteed shit in gear here so I can't commit my lazy ass to posting here for a little while.

I'll be back, I just need some time off.

See ya kiddies

Put a cheese grater to my face....

2006-07-04T15:31:00.000-05:00

I lost.

I lost my goddamn suit.

Why did I lose?

Well, it could be the sleazy lawyer that was in cahoots with the judge

"Mr. Anderson?"

"Present"

"Hello counsel, how are you today?"

"Fine thank you sir, and yourself?"

"Wonderful"

"Great, now if you'll just drop your pants I'll proceed to suck your dick and call it ice cream"

"Ashley S present?"

"Here"

**Scowls**

Or it could have been the fact that I wasn't even able to have my side of the story heard since the lawyer kept interrupting me and the judge didn't even seem to pay attention to what I was saying since he was more concerned about the balif giving him a new pen

Or it could have been the fact that the judge was biased against me from the beginning because I was representing myself and he didn't even think I was over the age of 18.

I'm so fucking pissed off right now. I went in there, their lawyer met with me and asked me if I was willing to settle for a "reasonable amount" outside of the courtroom. I told him the only "reasonable amount" I saw fit for the suit would be $0. He didn't seem impressed.

I explained to him the reasons why I refused to pay the $550 in last months rent since

a) They fucked up from the beginning by renting me a unit that was unavailable

b) They were unjustified in increasing my rent to $129 more a month

c) They fucked up by telling my lawyer that the $129 increase was a mistake and I was told not to worry about it, then they changed their minds right before I was supposed to give my two months notice which gave me very little time to decide what the fuck I was doing

The fucking judge was such a cocksucker too - the entire time he was looking elsewhere, asking for new pens, paying very little attention to what I was saying and was condensending the entire time to me. I wanted to fucking stab him in the jugular with his new pen. He even went so far to tell me to seek Duty Counsel because it was free and I would probably need it like I was some kind of moron. I told him I already retained counsel.

The kicker?

The whole reason for this fiasco is because they said that I was 2 weeks late for my last notice.

Well fuck - the main reason for 2 months notice is so they can tell prospective clients for sure that the unit would be available to rent

They fucked up and told my counsel that they had 60 units available to rent and they didn't even have anyone look at my old place! If I in anyway hindered them being able to rent out my unit, if they were in such dire need for the apartment and needed to know exactly two months in advance that I was moving out I could see why my late notice would be a problem

But they didn't.

They had more than enough units.

They can barely fucking rent the things out

Regardless, I'm not paying shit. Instead I filed an application to have the case basically thrown out for the simple reason that I wasn't unreasonable being late with my notice considering they never really needed my unit in the first place, that there wasn't a crazy demand for apartments there.

I mailed my old landlords the application to appear in court August 2nd.

I'm fucking determined to win this one and I hope to God they finally realize that I am NOT going down without a fight.

Bastards.

Edit: The new apatment is great, my new landlords are chill and my super is this 80-something man that is the most handy little dude in the world, he kicks ass.

Pics from Rafting

2006-06-29T20:58:00.000-05:00

This was taken when we were registering to go white water rafting, quite obviously I'm the overly exhausted one with the arrow pointing to my head (...as if the rack wouldn't give it away either...)

After rafting, starting the drinking party early...(arrow, again) The scenery was absolutely beautiful

Smashed out of my fucking tree. Notice the double fisting action of the double Malibu's and Ice Teas - unfort. buddy cut the rest of my drunken ass out with his hat. The man labeled "The Hotty" is the gorgeous kayaker (sp?) that tried to get up in this business but was too fucking annoying and immature to get anywhere.

Friday = DOOMSDAY!

2006-06-29T08:28:00.000-05:00

I'm packing up and leaving this goddamn sesspool I've called a home for the past year on Friday so I will not have the internet again until Monday morning.

Just updating you.

Flying Fucking High

2006-06-28T15:55:00.000-05:00

An ad on TV amused me today, it said "If you have taken Xanandadadaswhatever you may be entitled to a settlement if you are suffering from any of the following: Gastric pains, Aching Limbs, etc etc or death"

Suffering from death?

Doesn't death imply finito - fini - finishimo - its all over?

How the fuck are you suffering from death unless your family ran off with the burial money, threw you out the back of a pick up truck and let the wolves have you.

Maybe then I could see you suffering.

I told my family the other nite that if they ever did that to me I'd haunt them for the rest of their lives and if they think I'm a drama queen now just wait until I have no physical body - Id be a fucking Paranormal Star Jones Reynolds on their asses.

I'm fucking sick and tired of living in this Right - Wing Government town so I think I need a vacation. A place where the Conservative stick in the asses Harper-Humpers do not reside. A place where I can say "Homosexual" and hear "Fabulous!" instead of "We're heading to Hell in a handbasket Mabel, I tells ya".

Oh and lets not forget ladies, wrap that shit up because if you get preggers, well.... Dr. Harper and his Merry Band of Idiots don't approve of free choice so keep those legs closed ladies, grab a sign and head on over with the rest of the Brady Bunch protesting for Pro Life outside of the Parliment Buildings

Seriously, I see it at least twice a week, pictures of dead fetuses and big red circles with lines through them. Its really quite a spectacle.

I have no idea what has happened in the past year since I've lived in Ottawa. Ottawa used to be fun, I used to be excited to go out instead of worrying about whether or not I'd be sucker punched in front of Elgin St. Diner and die on the way to the hospital because some hopped up Gino on steriods decided he didn't want you to get his eggs before him. I was there.

Now I can't even get into a bar without either being surronded by 16 year olds on mushrooms or Young Yuppies high on a serious highball of coke and alcohol. It really makes you not want to leave your apartment. Id rather buy a 6 pack and drink in the comfort of my own home where I know the kids and their drugs and their switchblades won't be.

Street kids, who are 2 days of shy of turning 21, can't even sleep under their bridges and bus terminals without being stabbed to death because they told some guy to stop pissing on the little belongings that they have. Street kids who are mostly there because of a drug addiction that everyone's turned their backs on, because mommy's new boyfriend doesn't like the little bastard and wants him out of the house, because daddy has taken a shinning to whipping his little girl after he sexually molests her and because everyone has given up hope on the forgotten kids that just try to survive.

It really is a shame, a goddamn shame

At the end of the story the frog doesn't always turn into a Prince Charming

2006-06-26T15:39:00.000-05:00

Busy busy busy busy girl....between working and all this moving business I havent had much time to myself

While all my girlfriends have moved onwards to better things ie. jobs that don't require them to come home exhausted and defeated at 3 am reeking of whiskey and gin I've been squandering shit loads of cash from my toils.

Which sounds great, but in the end I have no party life, no me life and defintely no love life.

Its quite sad actually, the only people who ever ask me out are freaks screaming from their cars as they race pass me on the street or drunken 60 year old Englishmen who call me a "fit bird" all nite. Hell, my ferret's been getting more play with her toy mouse than I have.

I actually went on a couple of dates with this guy I met through friends a little while ago and he turned out to be a complete idiot who was more concerned about the color of my panties than me in general (for the record, he never found out) Ottawa is such a crapshoot when it comes to finding a member of the opposite sex

Either they're taken or gay.

Or they're assholes, still live at home with Momma, Satan Worshippers or egotists

Believe me, I've probably met them all

There is however this young man who works at the tattoo shop I'm going to on Thursday nite that I have been absolutely enamoured with since I first caught site of his tattooed, crazy haired, peirced body. Mind you, I think he'd take one look at me and assume I'm the head of the fucking Glee Club so I sincerely doubt I would be his type

That and I heard he has a penchant for dark haired strippers

Regardless, it doesn't hurt to try

If this goddman apartment isn't rocking soon, and nobody comes a knocking I may just throw myself off my balcony.

Id like to block all thoughts of you so I don't lose my head...

2006-06-24T13:15:00.000-05:00

It never ceases to amaze me, human nature that is.

People are so conniving, so deceitful, so goddamn selfish its incredible that this planet is still turning.

Seriously, I can't get over just how evil human beings can be if they put their mind to it. I've come up with this theory that we are all assholes by nature and we only are nice to each other when:

a) We want something

Or

b) We're too lazy to be outright assholes

Perfect example: I work in a bar run by women. Every bartender, waitress and hostess is a woman. We prance around with this fancy little facade that we're all such wonderful friends that sing Kumbaya around the campfire while braiding each others hair

Then you turn your back for one second and BAM!

"Did you see what she was wearing tonite? She's too fat too pull that off?"

"Did you hear what she said to so-and-so? What a bitch, who the hell does she think she is?"

"Oh my god, you'll never believe what I heard! So and so slept with so and so's friend and now so and so is such a huge slut...oh wait here she comes now...Oh my god so and so I love what you did with your hair today! It looks so pretty"

Last nite the girls at work were bitching about how one of them got to go home before the other one and I was sick of fucking hearing it. EVERY goddamn shift I come into work on Fri - Sat - Sun I'm there until 3 am no matter what. So it pisses me off when the girls bitch and complain about going home in front of my bar when my ass is there until 3 am regardless. I dont even get the option of potentialy going home when its a slow nite, or when there is nobody at my bar

It really gets my muffins when I hear them bitch.

Last nite I finally said something and they were like, "Oh you're so right! We shouldn't complain!"

I turn my back for one second and suddenly BAM! "I dont know what she's complaining about, shes the bartender, her job is easy, she makes more money than us, we have to tip her out whah whah whah"

I wanted to take their little neck and break them. Thats not to say everyone is like that by any means, but I was fucking livid when I heard the bitching about my comment.

And thats exactly why people talk about other people behind their backs, they're too goddamn cowardly to upright call you a cunt in your face but they have no problem twisting that knife once you're facing the other direction

Its like human fucking nature to avoid actual conflict and blow shit around when no ones watching.

Or when people monkey with other peoples lives because they have nothing better to do with their time. I won't go into detail but I caught wind of someone doing just that recently and fucking around with people's lives with the intent to either prove something or hopefully reap the benefits of said meddling. Its pathetic.

Peace out kids, I'm off.

Rafting and Drinking and Camping Oh My!

2006-06-20T14:08:00.000-05:00

I just walked in the door from my white water rafting trip

I smell like fucking river

I probably look like a donkeys ass

And I am sunburnt in places I didn't know could be sunburnt but all in all it was one of the best times I've ever had

First off, I can't swim so I was slightly worried about that. But once you get that life jacket on with the happy straps (otherwise known as 'crotch straps') you feel like youre invincible. The rapids were damn high and I actually ended up cliff jumping which was exhilarating and went for a swim down the Ottawa River.

We started calling ourselves "Team Banana" because we were a raft of all girls and one guy so we didnt have a lot of paddling power to get up into the rapids to surf the waves. We'd get close and then we'd slide right back down again and it reminded me of that Simpsons episode where Bart and Nelson roll fruit down the bus isle and go, "Go Orange! Go melon!" then Ralph drops a banana and goes, "Go banana!"

We thought it was hilarious.

Then the girls and I went and drank our faces off at our cabin, prepared ourselves for dinner, watched the Oilers lose (fucking bums) drank more, watched one of our friends bungee jump, had her threaten my life when I kept yelling up at her as she waited,

"Lets hope the elastic holds"

"Go Team Tits!" (because she was only wearing a bathing suit we were convinced the top would fall off

"You have a better chance of being killed by a donkey than the cord snapping"

And such.

After that we watched this killer cover band and drank from a fountain of watermelon vokda, I didnt pay for a single drink the entire nite. We toasted with free champagne and Smirnoff then I ran into the hottest tour guide ever and we went skinny dipping

Then I realized as hot as he was he was annoying as fuck, unfortunately he didn't get the hint when I tried to kick him out of our cabin. The only thing he could manage to talk about was how big my tits were. It was annoying as hell.

We partied with our tour guide all nite and got her so piss drunk but she was awesome, she made the trip so much fun.

At about 5 am there was a beach party up the street with another band and a dj with more free booze that we all induldged ourselves in. Some chicks stole my friends purse and she chased them down to their car, ripped the door open and started banging the chicks head on the car door after she screamed at them to give them her shit back

Seriously, it was hilarious! My friend Michelle doesn't curse at all and she was yelling at these girls, "You fucking sluts! You stupid fucking bitches! Give me my stuff you stupid sluts! Ive got your liscence plate number and you're driving drunk you're fucked you sluts!" As much as it sucked that he shit got stolen it was funny as all Hell to see her freak out at them.

Finally we stumbled into bed, passed out and today I have the craziest sunburn, my entire body feels like it was beaten with a sack of doorknobs and I have bruises everywhere on my 2,000 body parts, but it was the most fun I've had all summer.

I'm going to bed to sleep it off now

I've got 99 Problems and a Civil Suit is one of them: UPDATE

2006-06-16T11:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my landlords sent me a letter even though I've told them numerous times that they are no longer allowed to contact me via mail OR phone (they're not too swift)

The letter was a recommendation for mediation instead of going to court

Translation: We're scared as fuck now because we know you're taking us to court, you're not a scared little Brier Rabbit like we assumed you be and your lawyer is going to screw us out of money.

So instead they want me to sit down with them and a mediator to negotiate a reasonable amount of money to close this case instead of going to court.

I'm a pretty reasonable person so I'd be more than happy to go into mediation and propose a fair amount: $0.

I'm not paying them sweet dick all and I want to drag their stupid asses to court just because they're now pissing me off moreso than before. I'm not an idiot, I actually speak English unlike the other people in my building so you're not scaring me off with your big legal terms and I want you to shell out the cash for a lawyer who is probably going to advise you to drop the case because you're going to lose.

I can't wait until I drop off the keys when I move out and with the biggest grin on my face say, "See you in court"

Everyone who isn't getting sued please raise your hand

2006-06-13T12:11:00.000-05:00

It looks like I'm getting sued.

How fantastic is that?

Long story short, my landlords are a bunch of cocks that would rather pay a grand in lawyers fees to shake my pockets of $550 because they're fucking crooks.

Seriously, I got the papers today that I was being served with a civil suit.

When I first moved in here, they fucked up my application so the apartment I was supposed to move into that was $550 wasn't ready so instead they gave me an apartment that was normally $665 a month for that amount. When I resigned the new lease it stated that the 115$ would be taken off each month

In like May they send me a letter saying that my rent was increasing to $679 a month which was a legal 2% increase. As soon as I get the letter I run down to my landlords office and they gave me some bullshit line about this all just being a move in bonus blah blah blah and that they can increase my rent to that amount.

I GAVE THEM VERBAL NOTICE THAT I WOULD BE MOVING OUT AT THE END OF MY LEASE AND NOT ONCE DID THEY TELL ME THAT I WOULD ALSO HAVE TO PROVIDE THEM WITH WRITTEN NOTICE AS WELL

I ASSUMED that my verbal notice was more than enough but to be on the safe side I had my mom write me a notice saying that I would be moving out at the end of my lease which I gave them 2 weeks later in May. SO technically yes, my WRITTEN notice was late but my VERBAL notice was more then 60 days early.

Now, they're telling me that because I was 2 weeks late in my written notice they are demanding I pay them 550$ for this month and that they are pushing my last months rent to July which is fucked since I wont be fucking living here in the first place.

I refused, I had my counsel call them and I thought everything was worked out until I was served today with a fucking court notice that I had to appear before the Ontario Housing Renting Tribunal July 7th, 2006 to tell them why I am not paying the $550 that my landlords are trying to fuck me out of

I can't fucking believe it, how fucking hilarious is this???

So they'd rather pay a grand out of their fucking pockets to take a University Student to court for a diddly $550 that I'm not going to pay and I'm probably going to win this fucking case! I can't believe how retarded these people are. Not only are they going to be out a grand, they probably wont get the 550$ from me either.

The best part is that they don't know who they are fucking messing with. As you all know, Im not one to take this sort of shit lightly. I don't know why they are going through so much hassle for so little money but what I do know is that they messed with the wrong fucking law student who's lawyer mom just so happens to work in the biggest and most powerful civil law firm in all of Western Florida

Fucking Christ....

Generic Post Title

2006-06-11T02:45:00.000-05:00

I am so fucking sick and tired of all the bullshit associated with working.

The before, the during and the after

I fucking hate having to waste my entire day knowing that whatever I do I have to make sure I'm at work by 6 to cater to all the assholes that have the nite off and think that just because I'm the bartender I'm their goddamn servent

Listen bitch, this isn't Molly Maid, my name isn't Jeeves so you're not going to shit and make me wipe your ass so stop giving me attitude because I'm just about ready to smash a bar glass in someones face.

Anywhoo....

I bought a brand new pair of rollerblades the other day. I love rollerblading, but the last time I moved I accidently left them behind so I purchased a $200 pair of blades on Wed.

First off, I should have known that the blades were cursed when I tried them on in the store and slipped up in the air, on my ass taking an entire display down with me in the store.

If that wasn't enough, the evil blades almost had me in the Emergency Room on Thursday when I put them on and the clasp broke so I wasn't able to get my left blade off for 2 hours. I dont know how but the clasp broke around my ankle so the blade was stuck right on my foot, nearly cutting off the circulation to my foot.

I pulled, and struggled and banged it against the floor for a good 2 hours. I was terrified that I would have to call a cab and go to the emergency room with one goddamn rollerblade on for them to cut it off.

Luckily, I dont know how, I managed to squeeze my foot out of it

I had more to talk about but Im tired, so Im going to bed. I'll update tomorrow!

Why dont you sit in the front at a comedy show?

2006-06-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

I'll tell you when I get home from work tonite

Jesus....

The Lion the Witch and the Waiting Room

2006-06-06T02:34:00.000-05:00

I refuse, absolutely fucking refuse to ever step foot into a walk in clinic ever again. I don't care if I'm on my fucking death bed with scurvy, the shingles all over my body and a leg falling off from gangrene -

I will never endure the 4 hr bullshit I put up with today because some out of line, PMSing, power tripping receptionist whore was having a bad fucking day.

I swear to GOD I'd rather die in the streets than put up with another uptight fat bitch who lost her nail file in her ass and the crazies that frequent the medical centers here in Ottawa.

I've been having some serious medical problems lately (none that are really any of your business, but my bladder has been fucked up for the past week and I'm on a shit load of anti biotics to hopefully remedy this condition) so I went to the walk in clinic on Rideau Saturday after calling in sick to work for some drugs as I was in excruitating pain and discomfort.

I managed to get in right away, after only 5 mins. in the waiting room which was sweet because I told the receptionist that if I didn't get in soon I was probably going to fall to the fetal position on her floor and she'd have to drag my ass back to the doctor's room. He checked me out, gave me some meds and things were going great until today when I woke up clutching my stomach frantically searching for some painkillers.

I finally managed to get my ass dressed and downstairs where I took a cab to the Medical Center to see the doctor again since clearly the medications were not working.

There was only like 5 people waiting so I thought, fuck sweet Im so getting in

Until Shamu decided she fucking hated her life at the precise moment that I walked to the counter when I went to hand her my Health card. She didn't even look up, she threw a clipboard in my face and told me to sign up

I handed it back to cunt face and sat down

1 HOUR LATER

I'm fucking dying in the corner and she finally calls me up, thank fucking god I'm thinking I'm in

No, she's just asking for my health card now

Miserable bitch

2 . 5 HOURS LATER

What the fuck? I stood at the counter waiting for the Titanic to rise again instead she ignores me and keeps talking to Chico on the other end of the business line when she finally acknowledges my presence - I ask her how much longer

"Just take a seat, I'll call you when it's your turn"

If I wasnt in crippling pain I probably would have jumped the counter and strangled her with the phone cord

3 HOURS LATER

Pissed.

"I have been waiting in this goddamn clinic for 3 fucking hours now.."
"Ma'am, keep your voice done and stop cursing"
"WHEN THE HELL AM I GETTING IN!?"

"...the doctors not in for another 45 mins"

WHAT IN THE DEAR SWEET FUCK!?

I've been suffering in this goddamn sweltering cesspool of human illness for the past 3 goddamn hours staring at your sweaty fat ass talking to your fucking drug dealer on the phone and you FAILED to inform me that the doctor wasn't even fucking in YET!

I think I went so far as to grab the clip board so I could imagine how it would feel connected to her face

In the end, I finally got in after I yelled at some kids to turn their phones off, cursed out some lady for talking way too loud on her cell phone and screamed at some dude to stop staring at me

4 HOURS LATER

Doctor poked my abdomen, gave me a new prescription and told me I needed further tests at the hospital to determine whats wrong with me

That took a total of 5 mins.

Combined with the ridiculous wait: 4 hours and 5 mins.

But I got drugs, so life isn't all bad...

This is what I get for calling in sick to work...

2006-06-03T21:36:00.000-05:00

I'm sick as a dog right now and hopped up on all these meds so I called in sick to work today.

Thinking I was just going to relax, take a nice long bath, rent a movie, get myself better I instead just spent the past 30 mins on lock down in a 7 - 11 giving about 5 cops a statement. Jesus fucking Christ.

It all started about an hour ago, I was dying for some candy from the store so as usual I threw on a hoody and walked down the street. I've never, in my entire life living in Ottawa ever felt unsafe walking down the street - ANY street - EVER

As I'm walking I see these two guys ahead of me that I noticed hanging around my building earlier that day but they didn't go inside. They slowed down, both turned to look at me and almost came to a complete hault as though they were going to talk to me. I cut back on my walking and slowed all the way down and pretended to not notice them as I listened to my iPod.

Normally I bring my phone with me just in case shit happens but I left it sitting on my counter thankfully I took out the $700 in tip money I still had in my wallet before I went to the store.

These two guys just keep watching me then eventually turn around and keep walking, every few seconds they turned around to look at me again.

When I reached the 7 - 11 I went to the candy isle and started filling up my bag when the one dude in the bright blue vest came in fighting with some other guy about money and apparently about some prostitute who was freaking out outside of the store. Both men went back outside, I went back to my candy, then blue vest walked back in freaking out asking if he could use the phone inside the 7 - 11 claiming that buddy hit him

The clerks refused so he walked back out again, then 2 secs later came right back in and made a beeline towards me with his right hand in his vest pocket like he was concealing something. He was bitching about people and how rude they are while I completely ignored him to which he said, "Oh I guess you're too good to talk to me either!" and he stormed out of the store again.

I told the clerk that I think he had something in his vest and she called for the cops. An undercover police officer came into the store and sure enough, 2 secs later blue vest came back in and started walking towards me before the cop asked him to step outside. Buddy still had his right hand fumbling around in his vest, I was just waiting for him to pull out a gun

Thankfully, he didn't have a gun

Instead the asshole had a fucking knife that he pulled out but was too goddamn stupid to pull it out of its case. The moron was then taken down by the cops who asked me to give a verbal statement and I went home with a free dollar bag of candy.

I've never in my life worried about walking to the corner store before until now. I seriously can't wait to fucking move out of this place, what a goddamn hole it is here.

I hope you smokers get cancer and die...well maybe not die, but get sick at least, and maybe not cancer..ah hell, can I just kick you in the ovaries?

2006-05-31T21:40:00.000-05:00

As you may or may not have heard, the province of Ontario has now implemented a new "No Smoking" ban as of Midnite May 31st.

No longer can smokers smoke in front of their office, in the workplace, in the jails or even on covered patios

Three words come readily to mind:

THANK - FUCKING - GOD

I'm thrilled with the new non-smoking ban on the covered patios, my patio is partially covered which means I will no longer walk into some careless idiot's dangling cigarette and burn myself 5 times a nite and I will no longer have to endure everyone's second hand smoke as I work.

I really couldn't be more happy with the new law

The best part of it all is how all these fucking smokers are freaking out about the new laws. How we are taking away their rights to be able to smoke in this Democracy we our little world. How DARE we take away their rights as human beings to suck tar and cyanide causing them to die a slow, perhaps painful death. How DARE we! The nerve!!!

Well, how dare you fucking assume that I want your second hand smoke filling my lungs while I try to make a living causing me to die from a slow, perhaps painful death

How dare you fucking assume that I want to be burnt continuously with your goddamn cigarettes as they dangle carelessly from your fingers while I walk by your table

How dare you fucking assume that your rights override mine - if you want to kill yourself, fine, I'll fucking but you a carton myself

But don't for one minute give me this goddamn dog and pony show about how the Government isn't taking your rights into consideration and that you should be able to puff away in this free world.

You didn't ask me if I wanted to be subjected to your smoke, I didn't ask you if should be allowed to continue puffing away at my work

But hey, by all means, if you want smoking to come back to the workplace, in paticular mine, thats fine. But ONLY and ONLY if I can go into your cubicle and urinate all over your paperwork

Its a free world, I should have the right to piss where I want

And only if I can go into your office during a meeting and serenade you with my rendetion of the Backstreet Boys "Show me the Meaning"

Its a free world, I can goddamn sing where I want

...are we beginning to see a pattern here?

Singing Backstreet Boys may or may not be hazardous to ones health and urine is sterile but smoking and second hand smoke kills people everyday, so if you're trying to tell me that you should be able to smoke at my place of business and blacken my lungs I should be able to sing while I drop one in your Inbox.

Blah Blah

2006-05-29T09:36:00.000-05:00

Ever since I posted my last blog entry I've had over 20 emails from several different men (and 1 woman) stating that they would be the perfect (wo)man for me. I never thought in a million years anyone would take that post seriously since I don't even take myself seriously, but lo and behold the inbox was full.

I'm thinking of starting a new reality TV show "Who Wants to Date a Blonde!" I could go on dates with contestants, they could meet the rents, go out for dinner and moonlit walks with a million cameras following our every move...I know there's been a million and one reality dating shows like that, but this one would be special

Because it was me

And because it was all done through the magic of blogging, think about it.

Anyways, I just wanted to make it clear to everyone out in blog land - I am not the lonely, depressed, relationship deprived cat lady like I can occasionaly make myself out to be.

I am quite content with my singlehood status, until I find someone that I am 100% comfortable with I can live with the ferret in our happy little bachelor apartment watching TLC.

The whole reason behind the previous post was me venting about all the past bullshit, crazy fucking men I've encountered in my life.

Pour example:

My first boyfriend, if you can even call him that, that I lost my virginity to was 29 when I was 16 - we worked together and the next day he called me "damaged goods" at work in the heat of an argument. I don't think I've ever officially recovered from that and he knows damn well that he'll never be forgiven for that comment.

And he fucking lives up the street from me now and we call each other once a week just to check in on each other

He's also the same cocksucker that dumped me for his boss who used to be my former boss who is this stupid slutty (well not really, but you know...) cunt that I hate

I always seem to dump the guys that treat me well and are overly reliable because they are boring and would lick my feet if I asked. Who the fuck wants that? I crave a challenge and if you're willing to offer 100% of yourself to me up front where the hell is the fun in that?

I usually dump these guys by not answering my phone when they call and stop calling them, its immature and cowardly but it gets the job done

Then there's the other guy, we'll call him "Mr.E" --- smart, sexy, successful,dark, mysterious, EVERYTHING I've ever wanted in a man and yet he never speaks to me anymore and all of his success I believe has finally gotten to his head, I know he's now grown an ego and thats sad since he could have been the single greatest guy I've ever had the pleasure of knowing

(and if you read this...you know who you are....)

Then there is the crazy Irish man, the one that everyone has, the one that you dont want anymore but you dont want them to have anyone else. Seriously, him and I couldn't be together if we tried for so many different reasons but the idea of him with someone else drives me fucking crazy

In fact, I nearly beat this chick's ovaries in last Thursday when she tried picking him up at my work, I thought I was going to literally jump over the bar and rip her damn face off. Yet when he asked me to do something that nite after Miss Thang left I said I was on my period and went home to bed.

Now THATS fucked.

Enough of the venting, bitching and whining, Im off to bed. Taa.

Hot Men Need Not Apply - SWF

2006-05-27T12:52:00.000-05:00

WANTED:

Single, white male, between the age of 23 - whatever.

Must have a sense of humor and enjoy the Family Guy and Horror Movies

Has to be honest, and real honesty, none of that "as honest as I have to be to get into your pants" honesty either

Can't be an amazing guy alone and a complete fucking asshole in front of the friends

No games, I'm too old for that shit and I graduated high school a long fucking time ago.

Has to be able to spend time indoors, in sweats, on the couch, with popcorn to watch movies and CSI - NO BAR STARS!

Has to understand my schedule and how damn hectic it can be

Muscles can not be bigger than brains, penis however....I can make an exception....

NO EGOS!!!!!

Please apply within....

Ha!

2006-05-26T02:37:00.000-05:00

How hilarious and drunk am I in this picture......hehehehe