Its never a good thing when....

....you suddenly have like 13 men trying to add you to their MSN.

I gaurentee that some desperate, poor pathetic loser with nothing better to do with their pathetic little existence has stolen my pictures and made some fake ass profile with my email address on it.

So whoever you are you little fuck, congratulations on being a complete and utter waste of fucking skin. I hope that evolution wins and your genes are removed from the fucking pool.

We will return to your regular scheduled program in a few minutes....

I'm having some guy problems right now so I apologize for the lack of updates on both blogs - I know several of you have emailed me in regards to the advice blog but right now, I'm having to come up with some advice of my own to follow so I will update them as soon as possible.

Talk to you shortly folks, thanks for your patience.

Move over Rick Allen - there's a new cat in town!

There's this homeless guy that always walks around Bank St. in Ottawa and he is the coolest guy I have ever met.

He is an amputee and is missing his right hand, which is sad but he took that disability and did something crazy with it. He actually takes a ceramic cup, places it over his stub and plays guitar! Its the craziest shit I have ever seen! Not only that - he's fucking good at it!

I've watched him play 'Stairway to Heaven' and 'Free Bird' with that cup of his and he kills those songs! (In a good way) Seriously, homeless people depress me because I feel awful for them. Most of them are schizophrenic or suffering from serious mental illness and because they cannot afford their medicine they lose their jobs, whatever homes they lived in and end up on the streets unable to support themselves. Its seriously heartbreaking.

But this dude - its nuts! Sure Rick Allen is missing his left arm which kind of sucks if you're a drummer - but not having your hand and being a guitarist??? Thats even crazier!

So rock on dude, you kick ass.

I got 99 Problems but a slutty bitch ain't one of them

I don't really have much to talk about since I've been locked away doing school work.

So I'll tell you about this slutty friend I used to have.

Back in high school days this chick was totally bad ass. She had a cool car, we used to hang out and get drunk in her basement to loud music and her hair colour never stayed the same. I totally thought she was kick ass until this one time when we went to Kingston.

I think I was about 18 or something at the time and we decided to use a Fake ID and get me into the bars. We went to this dive bar called "AJ'S Hanger" which was some destitute meat market that had a large airplane above the middle of the dance floor. I have no idea if it's still there or not but regardless, it was a dirty dirty bar.

But hey, I was 18 and I got in so I didn't give a fuck.

The first thing I said to my friend was to not leave me. I was like, if you fucking leave me here in this strange place by myself I will kill you in your sleep. She swore to me up and down that she wouldn't and within 5 mins. she was gone. I had no idea where the hell she went and I was pissed.

I finally saw her shoes underneath a stall in the females bathroom accompanied by another set of man's shoes. The noises were enough to clue me into the fact that they were doing more than helping each other urinate. I just waited outside of the bathroom door since I didn't want to be left alone again. They came out all smiles and grins (the guy was fucking hideous with this bright green mohawk and a safety pin in his lip) I grabbed her and we got a few drinks.

Then she left me again and when she came back she told me that this guy she just gave a blowjob to in his car wanted us to both go to his buddies house for an after hours party. I was like, "Are you fucking well??? I'm not going anywhere!"

Unfortunately she was my ride home, and I was about 45 mins from Brockville so I had to go with them. They fucked off within 5 mins of us walking into the house so I was left downstairs with a group of complete strangers sitting on the couch pissed off, tired, and wanting to go home. This dude was sitting across from me and he kept sticking his tongue out and waving it about like one of Pavlov's dogs so I tried to ignore him but he sat right beside me.

"Wanna fuck?"

Apparently subtility was lost on this loser.

I just pushed him away from me and told him to get lost. He told me I was an "ice cold bitch" and threatened to kick my ass out into the snow to wait for my friend there. I told him if he tried it I would take him with me and push him into traffic. I think he called me an uptight bitch and threatened me a bit more until my friend finally came down the stairs.

With a guy on each side of her.

Feeling pretty satisified with herself we finally left Kingston and ever since that night I stopped talking to her.

Then she got hired at my work and spread rumors around saying I was a slut but everyone knew otherwise since she fucked about 5 of the 7 guys there.

And thats my story. Choose your friends wisely.

I feel so ghetto

I went to the 7-11 down the street from me to buy milk and when I got to the counter I realized that I forgot my wallet in my other purse so I paid with a $4.00 lottery ticket winner.

Thats a new level of low, right there.

Sometimes it's the little things that make us great

***Nothing really exciting has happened to me and naked neighbor dude must be away on vacation so here's just some random crap that I'll attempt to pass off as a post***

- I have this fear of needles that is just absolutely ridiculous. Even seeing a hypothermic needle makes me break out into hysterics and start crying. When I get my blood taken I have to be held down and I sob uncontrollably. I can't explain it but I should probably call my doctor's office ahead of time tomorrow before I show up for my physical just so they can have the restraints ready.

- I cry when I see roadkill

- I had to get a chip in my tooth repaired a few years ago from when I fell into a brick wall when I was 13. Yes - I FELL into a brick wall - don't ask me how

- As a kid I grew up beside the Brockville Psychiatric and Medium Security Prison. This would probably explain a lot.

- I once was paid $100 to try dog shit. That was 3 years ago....

- I have an odd attraction to men that are either shorter than me(I'm only 5'3) or men that are at least a foot and a half taller than me, I've never really been interested in the "in-between"

- I once stapled my finger to a peice of paper during a summer job in a law office - I still have the scar to prove it

- I refuse to ever take a hot-air-balloon ride as I am convinced I will fall out of the basket and it will be my death

- I once spread a rumor around my school that this really bitchy stuck up girl put peanut butter on her privates and had her dog lick it off. Everyone believed me. Her name is Amy Ralph and she's still a fucking bitch. She deserved it.

- When I was a kid I made up false confessions when I went to chuch because I was afraid that God would punish me if he actually knew what I was up to.

- I found out Santa Claus wasn't real when I was 6 and walked in on my parents wrapping presents: "To Ashley: From Santa" I think it scarred me for life.

- I do in fact have Ron Jeremy's cell phone number. It's #23 on my contact list.

There's no hope for me now, save yourself!

Its true: I've become addicted to American Idol.

Normally I think those shows that allow you to "win your way into fame" are disgusting and take away from all those musicians who did it "on their own" but my God, after watching chicks in clothes far too small for their bodies screaming at the judges, little punks dressed as Michael Jackson forgetting the words and day pass at the trailer-park-institute this show is fucking hilarious.

I don't even care how the people sing, there are some messed up fucking circus freaks on that show! I LOVE it! I could care less what happens after everyone gets to Hollywood - I just want to see them weed out all the whack-jobs and drama queens (men and women alike) and listen to Simon belittle people on National television.

God, I'm EVIL!

Say Hello Canada to President Steven Harper-Bush

What a sad day for Canadians, it looks like we are now the "proud" sponsor of a Conservative Government.

Women of Canada, you better not get raped and pregnant otherwise you're going to be looking for some backwoods coat hanger doctor

Mothers of Canada, mourn your fallen sons as we move them all over to Iraq to fight George Bush's mess

Homosexuals of Canada, better keep it in your pants - Adam and Eve are back in business

Students of Canada, better work longer hours to make up for the cost of tuition since all our money is now going towards building a bigger army to fight off all those people who tried flying planes into the CN Tower.

People of Canada, let me be the first to welcome you to "Can-America" - The U.S.'s extended Northern Arm.

You better fucking believe it.

What a sad, sad day for Canadians everywhere. I can't believe you right winged, Bible Thumping, Nuclear family bastards voted for that beady eyed cocksucker. Welcome to the new American edition you fucking idiots.

**UPDATE***

www.alittleblondietoldme.blogspot.com Has been updated.

Shake your ass Canada, show em what we're working with!

We don't really have a "Canadian Diddy" do we to tell us to Vote or Die? I have yet to see anyone walking around with t-shirts threatening our lives if we don't cast our votes today. If I had the time I'd make little beaver sweaters that read, "Vote or I'll Gnaw your Legs Off." That'd be sweet.

I think it's far too early in the morning for me right now.

Anyway, vote today - polls are open from 9 am - 9 pm so there should be no excuse not to vote. We live in a democracy where it is our right to elect the leader of our country - whether he is a corrupt politician who takes our money to make his gold plated urinals or a John Cleese lookalike who has an odd almost sexual obsession with Windmills - IT'S STILL YOUR CHOICE CANADA - STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND DELIVER!

And for the love of everything sacred, PLEASE DO NOT LET HARPER WIN! I don't want to be treated like a second class citizen - I cherish my right to choose.

To find the closest voting booth near you please visit www.elections.ca If you are not registered to vote you still can - just bring a peice of ID with your name, signature, picture and a document with your current address on it.

I've got my own Ugly Naked Guy!

You know how in "Friends" they have the neighbor across the street that always walks around naked?

Yah, I've got one of those - only he MASTURBATES NAKED IN FRONT OF HIS WINDOW!

My dad came up today to set up my new blinds that he bought me for Christmas with my little sister - who by the way is only 9 years old - and as he was setting them up he suddenly went, "Holy shit - there's a naked guy walking around in the apartment bulding across from you!"

I was like, what the hell are you talking about? So I ran towards the window and looked down.

"Uh dad, he's no longer just naked - he's masturbating!"

"Master-what?" - my little sister went to run towards the window but my dad grabbed her and told her to go watch TV.

I'm not going to lie to you, I watched for a minute then as I felt the vomit creep up into my throat watching this fat, balding 40 something man choke the chicken I grabbed my camera and snapped a couple pictures.




You can't really see him in the act, but you can kind of make out his naked globular form.

No doubt he's looking at underagesleepovers.com

Jesus Christ, is nothing sacred anymore?

Everything is gonna be all right, rockabye....rockabye

So the boyfriend came over last night when we both finished work to crash. We both work in the bar business so when 3 am rolls around we're pretty beat and ready to sleep. It was a long night last night of underagers and people quitting so I was done like turkey dinner.

We both went to bed when at 7 am I feel him poking me in the side and laughing. I was like, 'What in the fuck are you doing? Why are you poking me at 7 in the morning??"

"Have you ever heard yourself when you sleep?"

My boyfriend, the rocket scientist.

"Heard myself while I sleep? No! Because I'm fucking asleep! How the hell could I hear myself?"

"Oh its adorable though. You 'coo' and 'squeak' while you sleep."

"Coo and squeak?"

"Yah you make funny little noises, like a squeak toy. You are the cutest sleeper ever."

"And you suddenly had to tell me at 7 am?"

"Yah, night." Then he rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Like, what the Hell? Are all guys like this or is this just one of those 'new relationship' things?

NEW SITE IS UP:

http://www.alittleblondietoldme.blogspot.com

A little Blondie Told Me is my new advice blog that I have set up. A while back I asked my fellow bloggers if I should set up my own little "Dear Ashley" site and the amount of "Yes please do it!" emails I recieved in response was overwhelming.

I had no idea that you people actually listen to my crap, I just thought you loved it when I told people where exactly in Hell they could go.

I will answer all questions provided they are asked in a mature, non offensive manner. Racist, sexually demeaning, violent and "Shock Value" emails will be immediately deleted without a second thought. I'm opening this site up for people who are generally looking for some non-BS answers to whatever questions they may have.

It's all outlined on my new site, take a look around and please feel free to email me

-Ashley

I can't believe it

Apparently if you want to go to a strip club with a couple girlfriends you have to have a male escort per female.

How fucked up is that?

All we wanted to see were some titties and do some shots and they wouldn't even let us through the front door because we all pee sitting down. Thats b.s.

The guy's excuse was that girls make the strippers uncomfortable but apparently hundreds of guys leering at them and putting 5 dollar bills in their mouths for them to pick up with their ass cheeks is cool. I was so disappointed, female strippes are great. I have nothing but respect for the female form and because I lack a dick I couldn't get in.

What a bummer.

Shit-Fit '06

The most ridiculous thing to happen to a Fourth Year class since 7:00 am classes: Marks for Attendance.

Seriously, what the fuck? This is NOT the fucking third grade, this is not high school, this isn't even first year University - THIS IS FOURTH FUCKING YEAR and we get marked for attendance and punctuality???? Whats next? How well we can color within the lines?

Apparently I could ace my PSYC 4001 Offenders Population class and still only get an 80% in the class if I don't come on a regular basis.

20% in attendance and punctuality?

Since fucking when?

Today I came into class 20 mins late because its a goddamn ice storm out there so the whole town is a skating rink. ESPECIALLY at 7 am because the goddamn people who are supposed to put salt and sand on the sidewalks and roads are still enjoying their morning Starbucks. My Prof was freaking out on all of us because the majority of the class was late.

I wanted to say, "Well no shit bitch, its -30 out there and I wasn't about to risk head trauma just so you could put a checkmark beside my name."

And it wasn't as though the lecture was of any substance, all we talked about for 3 hours was how to write a research proposal in Proper APA style. Holy fuck I could have saved myself the $100 dollars that lecture alone cost me and BOUGHT THE APA MANUAL FOR $40! I could have saved myself $60 and a sore ass from where I slipped 5 times on the sidewalk just to get to class!

LOOK AT IT OUT THERE! WHAT HUMAN BEING WHO DOESN'T HAVE ICE PICKS GROWING OUT OF THEIR FUCKING FEET COULD MANAGE THAT????




If that didn't burn my muffins enough for about the 50th time in a row the Tim Horton's people once again managed to fuck up my wake-up steeped tea. EVERY goddamn time, "R-e-a-d M-Y l-i-p-s T-E-A, not C-O-F-F-E-E! STOP POURING COFFEE INTO MY CUP!" It's like a Simpson's episode:

"I'll have a tea please"

"Coffee?"

"Te-a"

"Cof-fee"

"T..e..."

"C..o...f..."

How hard is it to understand the difference between the two?? Clearly if you work at Tim Horton's and do not know which is which you probably should be looking for a new job. Seriously. EVERY fucking time. I just want to rip the little hats off their heads and swat them with it. "BAD Worker! BAD little Tom Horton's employee!" then rub their noses in the coffee.

Clearly thats not an option, ethics aside I'm not a big person so physically it just wouldn't be possible.

And the next time the elevator stops on the 2nd floor because some lazy fuck can't manage to drag their capable ass down one flight of stairs I'm going to kick them in the knee caps so they'll have a valid excuse to take the elevator next time.

Slanders, Scandals and Lies

Normally my blog never takes a political feel since:

1) Im not very interested in Politics. I know enough about whats going on and how things work but thats the extent of my interests

2) Politicians make me sick. Everytime I hear one of them speak I know its either a lie or a half truth and I can not tolerate people who lie. Especially to an entire country.

I was going to put this in my comments section, but it ended up being a lot longer than I expected it to be, so here we go:**

**This is in addition to the post below.

Kirk, Politics do suck in the States, at least in Canada we have the option to elect the lesser evil of about 6 different parties. Your Government could be elected by a coin toss.

I'm mostly likely going to vote NDP. I never voted for Paul Martin in the last election, I think he's more concerned about taking our money and investing it however he feels appropriate without asking us what we want. Just look at the Gomery report, each election, each new Liberal Party voted in just leads to more corruption and more lies. He admitted to being involved in the Sponsorship scandal then proceeded to point fingers at everyone else like a kid with his hand in the cookie jar.

I despise Steven Harper with a deep rooted passion. Watching that man speak at debates is equivalent to bashing my head against the side of a brick wall. He wants to spend more money on a Canadian military, why? His best buddy George Bush probably wants him to send more troops over to Afghanistan to fight George's own mess. Canada is not a super power, we don't have enemies and last time I checked no planes flew into the CN Tower. Why the hell do we need a Billions of Dollars military? There's so much more than could be done with the tax payers money.

His views on same sex marriage and potentially invoking the not-withstanding clause against abortion sickens me. Apparently gays and women have no say in how their country should be run since Harper views them as second-class citizens without any rights. Harper's a "family man", meaning he believes in an all out Christian nuclear family. Little bobby, little suzy, mom, dad and Rover. "Its Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" This is not a man I want running Canada.

Jack Layton's platform I believe effects me the most. I strongly agree with his views on reducing student loans (being a student myself who will be leaving University $50,000 in debt). He's also right about Canada's healthcare. It has been creeping its way towards privitization ever since the Liberal Party took over. Already a Private Hospital has been approved in Ottawa and will begin construction I believe in April.This is Canada - we pay to have immediate access to healthcare in our taxes.

Why the hell should the rich have more access to it than the poor who probably need it the most? Hell, Martin himself uses a Private Hospital so what makes us think he has anything against them? Either way, he's a fucking hyopcrite.

Oh and lets not forget Layton's Windmills - that right there: Priceless.

So vote for whomever you want - but please make sure you know the platforms, ignore all the bullshit slander and focus on the issues at hand.

And your platform is what exactly?

Worked today 11 - 6 day bar. It's the single most boring shift one could ever possibly have. I literally had 2 tables all day and I had about 4 people sit at the bar. Its even slower because of the month and the weatherl.

All one can do on the bar is watch TV since there's nothing else happening. Due to the upcoming election every other commercial has been some political slander of one party by another party.

"If you vote Steve Harper for the Conservative he's going to destroy Cananda! He's ok with being a second rate nation and he's best friends with George Bush! Steven Harper eats kittens for breakfast!"....Paid for by the Liberal Party of Canada

"Paul Martin stole all of your money in the scandal and caused Canada to become a sesspool of political corruption. He uses puppies for target practice!" ..... Paid for by the NDP party of Canada

"Jack Layton will take all our money and tell us how to spend it! He also beats hookers!"....Paid for by the Conservative Party of Canada.

I'm honestly sick and fucking tired of it.

It's like grade 3 all over again. Watching them debate is like watching 5 year olds argue over the Tonka truck in the sandbox. They've done everything short of calling each other "poopy heads". Every single commercial that comes on for each party is nothing but slander, bullshit and more slander. Somehow it seems the politicians have ditched the whole idea of telling Canadian's why we should vote for them- instead they're telling Canadain's why we shouldn't vote for everyone else.

Fuck off, seriously.

I understand that their platforms are all outlined on their websites but what do the Canadian people see more in their everyday lives? Online political platforms or Political commercials inbetween "Friends" episodes?

Its sickening to see grown men, one of which will eventually run this country, fighting like fucking toddlers. I can just imagine what its going to be like after the election:

New Prime Minister: "AWWWWW Geroge! You said we were gonna go for ice cream!"

George Bush: "Not until you send more troops over to Afghanistan"

New PM: "NO FAIR! You're mean! I'm telling Tony Blair on you!"

EDIT: I should note that I do love crazy old Layton's Windmill Idea. Just the fact he's suggesting we can overcome Canada's environmental issues by building thousands of windmills across the country makes me want to pinch his cute little idealistic hippy face. "George Bush is an environmental monster. What we need to do is build windmills! WINDMILLS! I can run this country for my name is Don Quixote!...I mean...Jack Layton".

I should be sleeping but fuck it

Ok I'm seriously contemplating going into a new line of work to pay the bills. Either that or my bar is going to have to give me a metal rod with which I can smack the fuck out of the idiots that stumble their alcoholic asses into my place of business.

Example?

This guy was screaming orders at me at last call (one of my biggest pet peeves, don't fucking scream your order at me while I am CLEARLY serving another patron. It's called 'taking turns' and your number will come up when it does) when I got to him he asked for some fucked up drink like he's all ghetto gansta so I asked him what was in it

"Scotch and JD"

All right, so I make his drinks, bring them over and he goes, "Whats in these?"

"Scotch and JD"

"Its amaretto and JD"

"And you said scotch and JD"

"No I didn't! I said amaretto and JD"

Its almost 2 am, Im tired, I've had a long night, I dont want to deal with this shit any fucking longer so I turned around, threw out the drinks and made two others. The stupid fuck, AFTER HE GETS HIS DRINKS begins to instigate an argument which is a BAD idea.

"Are you pissed or what" - with a stupid ass smirk on his face.

"Really, I couldn't give a shit."

"Oh but you're pissed"

"Buddy, I don't give a fuck - here are your drinks"

"Well, I did say amaretto and JD, there must be something wrong with your hearing"

I literally threw his drinks at him and told him to get lost.

Then his friend comes up to me, very polite, hands me a 20 right off the bat and says its my tip for his order and his friends. Which is really nice of him, he totally doesn't have to do that at all. He gives me his order and as I am asking him how many jagers he wants his stupid ass friend who apparently can't take a fucking hint or keep his g-unit mouth closed goes,

"Ohh so blah blah I me no speak english blah blah"

I ignore him, I don't even know what the hell he's babbling on about - could care less

So I'm asking his friend to relay his order once more and as he is doing so his friend ONCE AGAIN opens his stupid fucking trap. "Oh so she's ignoring me now"

Im pissed

"I'm not ignoring you you invalid I can only speak to one person at one time!"

His friend luckily got him to sit down and get out of my face

10 minutes later

"So like what the fuck, we have money here why isn't she serving us"

Its 2:15 am. I am legally not allowed to serve booze after 2 am.

I turn around, "I'm sorry - were you girls looking for drinks?"

"Uh yah like what the fuck?"

"I called last call 30 mins ago, I can't pour any more alcohol"

"Well WE didn't get last call"

"Yes - yes you did. I gave everyone at the bar last call"

"Thats fucking bullshit you didn't give us last call! You serve us now!"

"Ok well look at your watches, see what time it is? Yah - 2 am so I'm not pouring anything"

I turned around to finish cleaning up the bar when one genius goes, "Gah and to think I was going to tip her like 8 dollars"

8 dollars.

8 DOLLARS?

Like I give a FUCK what you're going to or were going to tip me Rockafellar. Your 8 dollars matched to the other 300 I already made tonight means fuck all to me.

"Thats all right honey, you keep that money to yourself"

"Well I just threw it on the floor so you can pick it up."

"Congradulations on taking the higher road and acting like a 3 year old. The cleaner will be thrilled to find that money."

Finally they left.

People seriously need to give their heads a fucking shake. Why does anyone abuse the people that are serving them? I'm just doing my job and if that means I can't serve after a certain time and I've dealt with assholes all night so I just want to go home isn't a fucking open invite to act like a complete immature morons.

Christ on a freakin' crutch. Sleep. Now.

Whoever coined the phrase "Ignorance is bliss" should be taken out back and shot

Never, in my lifetime of dealing with ignorant, clueless, close minded assholes have I ever EVER encountered a person as fucking brainless as the woman I saw today.

I was out shopping this afternoon when I felt a little peckish so I headed over to the sushi counter in the food court. As I was waiting for my spicy salmon and california rolls this woman at the cash register was freaking out at the cashier practically yelling, "What do you MEAN you don't take debit? EVERYONE accepts debit! Are you not with the times? If you don't accept debit you should have it marked CLEARLY somewhere on your stand!"

I turned to this freak of fucking nature and calmly pointed towards the sign that was RIGHT BESIDE her fat ignorant head. It read:

"CASH ONLY"

Well, if that wasn't foolish enough she pulled another rabbit from her hat and asked the lady as she was handing her her bag, "So how do you say 'Thanks' in Japanese?"

The cashier politely answered, "I'm Chinese"

"What about them? Do they know?" The lady pointed in the direction of the other 2 workers making the sushi.

"No, we are all Chinese"

"Well geez, I didn't know you all look the same I can never tell." And she walked away

....

Are you fucking kidding me right now??

.....

I was shocked to discover that there are actually people still out there who are that fucking clueless and that rude. She wasn't even insulting ME and I wanted to take her out.

That would be like if someone came up to me and said, "So how do you say this in German?"

"Um, I'm English"

"Oh all you blond hair blue eyed types look the same to me!"

or "How do you say this in Hebrew"

"Um, I'm black"

"Oh all you blacks look the same I can never tell!"

Honestly, some people need to open their eyes a little more and open their fucking pie holes a little less.

Ashley: The Progression

EDIT: THE PICTURES HAVE BEEN COMPRESSED
BECAUSE EXPLORER SUCKS AND
IF I DON'T MAKE THEM SMALLER MY
TOOLBAR DISAPPEARS.

This picture was taken a few minutes after I arrived at my staff party.

(....I look fat!)


5 drinks later....


(...ignore the guy grabbing his dick in the background)

I lost count....

(...these are those photos that will come back to haunt you some day)

"Dance dance! we're falling apart to half time!"

The man was over yesterday after I gave my apartment a mini makeover. When you live in a small little one bedroom sometimes the littlest things can make the biggest difference

Mainly in my bathroom.

*See crude drawing


My bathroom is so goddamn small it always looks so crappy and crowded. Being a bath-queen I decided to fancy it up with a mini waterfall, some candles, a new shower curtain and some pictures that I put on the walls.

D, came over and went to use the bathroom came out and said, "Why are there pictures taped to your bathroom wall?"

"Oh those are my Salvidor Dali pictures, aren't they awesome?"

"It looks like you printed them off the internet and taped them to your bathroom walls"

"I did"

*silence*

"Why?"

" I wanted to add a little culture to the bathroom"

"You taped downloaded pictures to the walls"

"I should have gone with the Playboy centerfolds, shouldn't I have?"

Fuck him, I love them. The Enigma of Hitler is one of my favorites.

NEVERENDING WHITE LIGHTS

Act 1: Goodbye Friends of the Heavenly Bodies


Buy it
Love it
Especially "A Little Peice" and "The Grace"


Do it now.

Girls Behaving Badly

Last night was the most fun I have had in a long time.

I went to a house warming party for one of my co workers with about 10 other girls I work with and we had an absolute riot. Everyone brought a food dish and an alcohol. I brought Vanilla Vodka and roasted red pepper dip with veggies and pita bread. It was fantastic.

And if you think for one minute that men are more perverted than women - you my friend have obviously not been in the company of 11 girls who have all had 4 martinis each.

After we played the "Which Regular Am I"? game (kind of like charades, we all picked the regular we hate the most and mimicked them while others had to guess who we were) we started playing the game "Catch Phrase" which just turned into a big ass conversation about vibrators, baldness and stripper shoes.

I won't get into specifics or drop names but here are some of the highlights of that conversation:

1. One of the girl's boyfriend bought her a big ass blue vibrator and now he complains that she has more sex with that than with him. She said, "You bought it!"

2. One of the boyfriends does NOT EVER remove his hat and wears a bandana during sex because he is losing his hair and is paranoid about it.

3. Half the girls were divided on this issue: Would you be mortified if you walked in on your boyfriend masturbating to porn? One of the girls came home early from Yoga and caught her boyfriend choking the old man sausage in the living room - both parties were equally embarassed

4. The age long debate: Top or bottom?

5. This girl (defintely not a friend of ours) has a reputation for gang banging hockey players. Not to mention any teams *cough Philedelphia cough* or players *cough Andre....cough* she literally gets naked, goes to one of the hotel rooms and just has guy after guy come in and do his thing. The saddest part is that she looks like a fucking man. Think Nicolette Sheridan from "Desperate Housewives" only even MORE MANLY looking than her.

6. One girl found downloaded beastiality on her ex boyfriend's computer - this discussion went on way fucking longer than it should have. I'm scarred for life.

7. Sex in front of mirrors(?) - sexy or a painful reminder that you haven't been to the gym in a while?

8. One girl (she's going to kick my ass when she reads this) tried to give her boyfriend a lap dance to some Beyonce song in a leopard print bikini and just kept falling over and laughing. Sorry dude, but thats fucking hilarious.

9. Greatest line of the evening: "You have the pussy, you make the rules!"

When we finished our little sex discussion complete with mental pictures and visuals that most of the conversation could have done without we decided to prank call work. I called at around 12:30 since I was the only one who could properly fake a British accent.

Me: Oh hello, I was calling to make a reservation for this evening
Manager: Uh, its 12:30 already? What time were you looking to come in at
Me: We are the senior Conservative party of Ottawa and we are looking to come in around 1:30ish
Manager: Well, we close at 1 tonight (which I knew was a lie since we ALWAYS close at 2am)
Me: Oh dear, well, we were just planning on coming in for a drink and we shall be right out
Manager: For how many?
Me: 50 people
*Pause*
Me: Hello?
Manager: Sorry we close at that time there's no way we can....*all the girls burst out laughing*...Ashley I hate you.

*click*

Then we did the same thing to the guy I'm seeing while he was working at his bar. I had one of the other girls do it since he would recognize my voice right away. Their conversation was even more funny since he freaked the fuck out and she kept arguing with him until he hung up on her. I called him back and said it was us, he thinks I'm retarded.

Ah, the good times.

Bullet - Through Forehead - NOW

In keeping with my New Years resolution to start working out I got Tae Bo tapes and am taking a Power Yoga class.

I did Tae Bo with the Billy-Man yesterday, today I did an hour and a half of power yoga

Holy. Dear. Christ.

I don't think I could move if I tried.

I've decided that people are even more stupid in the winter than any other season.

Everyone walks slower for one, which as we all know drives me fucking nuts. On top of that everyone's walking in little fucking groups huddling for warmth down the sidewalks like one big goddamn colony pushing everyone else off to the side of the street in the slush. Like what the fuck? This isn't tundra assholes, you're not going to catch pneumonia so disband and make room for others.

Drivers are especially retarded in the winter. Barreling down the streets doing 80 and spraying everyone with a 10 foot radius. Do these people not fucking think when they see people jumping out of the way of the flying slush? How ignorant can you possibly be? And it's always the soccer moms racing to get their brats to school while drinking their Starbucks and yapping on the cell with their equally retarded soccer friends. Next time I'm throwing a rock through the windshield, that'll learn them.

And I so love those people who block the doorways while waiting for their rides for that one last grasp of warm air. This is not your house, this is not the standing room, this is not the foyer, this is the place where people walk in and out. Stop standing there like some goddamn deer in a headlight AND MOVE PACO!

I hate winter.

Should I be concerned that the movie "Hostel" didn't phase me?

http://www.moviesonline.ca/movienews_6825.html

I think I've been reading too many serial killer books.

My apologies for the lack of updates

I know I have been a blogger misfit for the past month or so.

You know how it is, school, work, boys.

Oh yes, boys.

Ashley has finally dropped her "bitch" gaurd long enough to actually meet someone.

Mind you, it's just new and its nothing totally serious, but when that new relationship thing happens you tend to lose all touch with everything else in your life. My friends are even complaining that I'm not spending enough time with them but they all have boyfriends and they put me through the same shit when they first started dating them.

I'm not about to give details, but I did meet him at work, he is a regular there. He works with special need teenagers and he's Irish.

And so goddamn hot its ridiculous.

I know looks aren't everything, but holy good goddamn.

My mom saw a picture of him and even she agreed - and she NEVER thinks the guys that I date are good looking - and the special needs deal defintely got him bonus marks with the matriarch.

Anyways, enough of my gushing.

Recently I was talking to my younger brother to see what the young kids are up to these days, and let me just say this: NO FUCKING GOOD.

He was telling me about this party he went to the other night, and how one of his friends got so wasted he fell over and cracked his skull open on a coffee table edge. Isn't that pleasant? My brother and his friends are only 16-17. Gotta love underage drinking.

And if that wasn't worse my bro told me all about these colored bracelets the girls are wearing these days, much like the color bands for cancer and poverty. Only these bracelets aren't out to save the world - they're being used to increase STD's and unwanted pregnancies amongst young girls.

Ever heard of a rainbow party?

Thats a party where all the girls where a different shade of lipstick and the man who get's the most colorful raninbow cock from a parade of underage sluts giving head wins.

.....what in the hell?

I remember the days of 7 minutes in Heaven where you innocently made out in a closet and now these little twats are giving head because its cool? These girls are as young as 13! Jesus H, call me a prude but when I was 13 the thought of even touching a penis freaked me the hell out let alone putting one in my mouth!

Now they have these different colored bracelets that the girls wear. Each color apparently represents what kind of sexual favor they have done before and will do. If a guy manages to rip one off of them the rules are that they have to perform that favor.

So basically prostitution without the money.

"Oh Suzie, what brightly colored bracelets you have"

"Thanks grandma, this pink one means I give head, this yellow one means I take it in the ass, this blue one means I give a mean hand job, this purple one means I'll have an orgy with you and all of your friends, this red one...."

When I see these little punk bitches in the street I want to slap them upside the head and hopefully knock some sense into them. No wonder more and more girls are contracting VD's and searching for their baby's daddy on Maury. If they managed to keep their snatch in their pants until they knew what the hell they were actually doing these stats wouldn't be so damn high.

Doesn't anyone play 'Spin the Bottle' anymore?

What the hell is this shit?

Ok this weather is ridiculous

Apparently its been quite mild since I was gone and since I've been back we've had like two fucking blizzards.

Awesome.

On a good note, I did pull off two B's in those classes I was pretty sure I failed since the exams were extrodinarily difficult. My neuroscience addictions class exam nearly killed me. I walked out of there with the rest of the herd not knowing whether to cry or laugh. That exam raped everyone, it totally pulled a Richard Speck on all of our asses.

A friend the other day was reading my blog and she told me that I needed to make an advice blog. She said my "thats just how it is" attitude would tromp that mongoloid Dr Phil's "thats just me wanting you to buy my books" attitude anyday.

Yay or nay??

Stop the world: I wanna get off

Two words: Holy. Fuck.

Those two words describe perfectly my New Years

I think I've already broken 5 of my resolutions, most certainly the one about me cussing. I should have also added "Acquire an 'indoor voice'" since I seem to be lacking that important little aspect that seperates us from the animals.

Anyways

New Years started off with me sleeping in until about 9 am when my mom opened my bedroom door and let her two massive dogs jump all over me. Sleep after that point wasn't going to happen so I ventured into the kitchen where mom was cooking breakfast

Mom: Want breakfast?
Me: Whats on the menu?
Mom: Potato scones, rye toast, scrambled eggs and pemeal bacon
Me: You had me at potato scones

I started the drinking at 10 am thanks to the mimosas mom threw together*

*Champagne and OJ

It was all down hill from there

By around 3 in the afternoon I was already pretty much in the bag. But it's New Years right? Who gives a shit.

We then went out for dinner where the diva side in me took over. Usually I'm pretty easy going when it comes to such matters but I was freaking the fuck out when everyone wanted to sit on the patio of Legal Seafood (the restaurant we had dinner at) because the humidity was killing my hair.

You girls at home know EXACTLY what I mean

Im not usually so vain but fuck, I didn't spend nearly 2 hrs getting ready for New Years Eve just to have my hair fucked up because Mother Nature was PMS'ing. Fuck that.

Eventually I got my way.

Dinner was decent, our waitress was a fucking moron which didn't make for a very pleasant dining experience. First of all she spilled some of the Thai calamari we ordered right onto my white shirt. I was slightly pissed and she didnt even offer an apology or anything.

It wasn't like she was busy so she could have taken the two seconds to get me a cup of soda water so I could get the mess before it stained.

Stupid bitch.

Then as we are leaving my brother and step dad are already in the front waiting, my mom's walking ahead of me and this Gastineau Boca Chick with some GI Jane comando pant suit turns to her equally stuck up cunt friends and goes, "Ugh, her breasts are soooo obviously fake, who's she fooling?"

I turned right around
Mom told me to let it go
Obviously you know me and know I can't

So I reply, "Actually honey they're allll mine. Eat it." then pressed them together in defiance and walked away.

She was so shocked I could actually see the botox injections squeezing out her pores.

Then we all went over to see "The Ringer" at this killer movie theatre thats right beside the restaurant.It sucked ass.

It was the most RETARDED movie *no pun intended* EVER.

The only good line in it was, 'When the fuck did we have ice cream?"It was also amusing to see the audience looking at each other wondering how to react when all the characters with down syndrome, mental deficiencies and other mentally challenged individuals came on the screen.

If we laugh, we're all going to Hell
If we sit here and blankly stare at the screen we will have just wasted $12

Then we went to this backwoods bar that a friend of my mom was playing at. It was actually a really good time. I got totally fucked up on Jager bombs when my proverbial penis appeared and I engaged in a pissing contest with the other male patrons to see who could do the most bombs.

I won.

And lost when I stumbled in the house and woke up this morning hating life. I wanted to stab myself in the face to detract from the pain I was feeling everywhere else in my body. Mom was cooking breakfast, I was trying to hold down whatever stomach contents I had left.

Best New Years Ever