Life pt. 2

It's been quite a week, and its not even over yet.

As you already know my friend has cervical cancer

My other coworker and friend's mom just passed away this morning from cancer, she was so young and I feel terrible for my friend, she was very close with her mom

And then last nite another friend and coworker of mine told us the good news that she was pregnant.

Everything's been going crazy this week, one life has ended, another life going upside down and another life is going to enter this world.

Its been kind of a wake up call for me this week. What is it about new life and death that sometimes gives us these brilliant revelations that we want to change the way we're living, or we want to do something more with our lives? The realization that life is short and fragile is a sure fire kick in the ass to get ourselves in gear and to get on with the things we want to do before one day they're lowering us into the ground.

And its also funny how everyone seems to find religion when someone passes away.

I'I'm however not one of those people, I'm one of those people who thinks God has forgotten about them, but thats a different story entirely.

So in light of this past week I have compiled a list of things that I want to do before I die or become too old to do them. I also decided that I would like to be hit by a falling piano in the middle of New York City as my means to the end. I dont like the idea of dying in my sleep or any of those crazy diseases that are out there - I've thought about the piano thing for some time now.

1. Go to LA, try acting

2. Finish University (which may actually kill me faster than the piano)

3. Meet Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee

4. Go to Europe, backpack for a couple of months

5. Deep Sea Fishing, I've always wanted to try it but I'm afraid of catching a shark and it biting me (I know, Im a loser)

6. Eat a deep-fried, chocolate covered banana

7. Own or at least help operate a shelter for abused or abandoned animals

8. Be a guest on a talk - show (not Maury or anything trashy, more like Ellen or Oprah)

9. Dye my hair completely black.

10. Go on a massive shopping spree in NY and LA

11. Paragliding....is that the one where they hook you up to the back of a boat? If not, I want that one.

12. Pay off all of my credit cards

13. Swim with the dolphins

14. Win a reality TV show



so Im pretty much hammered and I had to work tonite but who the fuckc ares i got drunk at this gay bar called the Lookout anyways

I seriously LOVE gay bars, I fucking love them

cause when a guy tells me he loves my tits he actually means he loves them, not that he wants to nuzzle his cock in between them (pardon the vulgarity, i am drunk)

and if all goes and Im hoping it does i may very well have straight A's this semster, Im awaiting one mark

And the sexiest man Ive ever had the pleasure of doing naughty things with is going to be in town in a few weeks and Im so fucking excited I can';t even explain how excited I am. cause he's hot, and bad, and I love it

Sleep....now....regret post tomorrow morning......


When we met you said we were the same but we're different

I have a horrible temper.

Absolutely horrible.

You think you've seen the worst in me? Thats nothing.

There are only two things in life that send me off the deep end, to the point where I get so angry I can't even function because I'm blinded by range

1) Insulting my family

2) Insulting my intelligence

In a given week I'd say I hear the line, "Oh you're a lot smarter than you look" at least 3 or 4 times - no exaggerations.

Now, just what in the fuck does that mean?

"Oh, you're blond with big tits - you're probably a PETA card carrier who's obsessed with celebrity lifestyles and who's sole goal in life is to find a man with money and a nice car." As you pat the top of my fucking head.

I'm so sick and tired of people correlating looks with intelligence. Its the Jessica cookie cutter bimbos that give blonds a bad name. I've actually had an academic counsellor tell me that I shouldn't go into forensic psychology because nobody would take me seriously - that I should have a cutesy fucking office job.

The last thing I'd ever want to be on this planet is a little office bitch that makes coffee, smiles pretty and cocks her head to the side when she answers the phone in her high pitched little voice.

I'd rather swallow battery acid.

Today, while discussing the murder in Medicine Hat (involving the 12 year old girl) with someone at school the person I was discussing this with had this look on his face like, "WOW! Your brain isn't just for balance!" I was so pissed off and I think I stormed off midway through the conversation. I was quite insulted.

I've lost count of how many first dates I ended as soon as the guy said, "So - when are you going to ask me what kind of car I drive?" like I'm going to walk out if they don't drive anything that ends with "exus" or "ently"

Now, I know what you're thinking - "You're so egotistical" but after about 4 years of hearing the same bullshit and seeing the same looks of shock on people's faces when I talk about something that has nothing to do with Brangelina or my hair its not only annoying, its hurtful. Even my best friends now when I first started at my work thought I would be a total brain dead robot. They've told me.

Moral of this story I guess is don't judge people based on retarded celebrities who have been invented by the media and their creepy fathers. Blond, brunette, redhead, tits, no tits, big, small, whatever - impressions should never be based on looks.



A very good friend of mine was just diagnosed with cervical cancer today.

I'm totally speechless, she's only 26 years old, I can't believe it

I really don't know what else to say....



I went with the ladies tonight to see that movie "The Benchwarmers" since we couldn't agree on anything else.

Karen wanted to watch the hockey movie about that french dude

Gen wanted to watch the movie with all the little animated freak animals and the psychotic squirrel

I wanted to see Silent Hill but neither one of them are into horror movies so I was S.O.L.

Then, being the geniuses we are we settled for a fucking Ron Schneider film. If thats not desperation I don't know what is.

It started off with the typical bad acting you'd expect from a film with David Spade, Rob and that retarded kid who played Napoleon Dynamite. He was flying around on a bike wearing a helmet and reading his script like he was lost in the days of his glasses and box-perm. Of course he was acting like a complete retard ad the 12 year olds in front of us were eating it up like it was cocaine laced Smarties.

Add one extremely hot chick to play Rob's horny ovulating wife, then another extremely hot chick to play the salad slining Pizza Hut hotty that has a thing for pasty, puny, bowl cut faux mustache midgets and you've got David Spade's love interest.

Translation: Let's validate our obvious geekyness by having hot chicks that we could never get in real life if we didn't have millions of dollars from making millions of shitty fucking movies and lets have them want to have sex with us. That'll work.

Can't forget the agoraphobic brother of David's hiding away in the closet because he's afraid of how fucking shitty this movie will inevitably be but because he's on a contract he's going to hide himself as much as physically possible. Or because he was supposed to be afraid of the sun or something, fuck I have no idea.

Now we add Jon Lovitz the single most annoying individual on the planet, give him a couple of simple lines that even he should be able to master and watch him fall all over the screen with his overacting and his we're-not-sure-if-its-fake-or-not "Why is he talking like he's deaf?" accent.

While were at it, lets add a talking robot that can make sandwiches in his crotch and give him a few funny lines then make fun of midgets by having a shit load of them freak out on the screen, running around with pterodactyl's made out of peanut butter. I mean, we've already made fun of all the other freaks so lets be really politcally incorrect and make sure we throw in the other midgets for good measure.

Wrap it all up, have it backed up by Adam Sandler's production company, close up of David Spade tonguing a chick he could never get in real life and cut!

Da-da-da-da-da-dat's all folks!


Speak softly and carry a large stick

I swear to God I probably could have killed people last nite with my own two bare hands. Ive never been so annoyed with underagers, bitchy french chicks, and overpaid lawyers in my entire fucking life.

The single most annoying thing you can do to a bartender when she is slammed at the bar is wave her down to the opposite end of the bar when she is clearly trying to serve the other 15 people that got there before you then go, "Hmmm....uuuhhhh...ahhh.....hhhmm......aahh...Joey do you want a beer?? What?? What do you want? You want a shooter?? Uhhh...ahhh....what kind of shot......what do you have on tap?"



Seriously, Ive now decided next time people pull that shit I'm just going to walk away without saying a damn word and let you stand there in a stupor feeling the same rejection that year you had to take your cousin to prom.


Honestly, when people ask me "Whats on tap?" then make me run down the list and order Keith's you better believe I give out the loud sigh and the attitude. We have 14 beers on tap asshole and you're probably the 20th person that nite I had to read them all off to. Either Ottawa has the highest illiterate population per capita or people have really gotten fucking lazy - they won't even look themselves!

Especially when Im busy and then buddy beside you asks THE SAME FUCKING QUESTION!

Then some old guy orders a pitcher of Boddingtons off of me, which is SUPPOSED to have two inches of head....

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and he FREAKS on me because of all the head. He throws it literally back at me and tells me to do it again. That he wants the same amount of head on it like the pitcher of Blue thats been sitting on the other end of the bar for the last 20 mins like he's some fucking beer expert.

First off asshole, if you were such a beer expert you would know that Boddintons isnt generally served by the pitcher in the first fucking place

Secondly, you would know that it comes with that much head, its how it comes out of the tap.

Thirdly, shut the fuck up - keep the quarter you were going to leave me on the bar and call someone who gives a shit what you think.

I got really pissed off at him and told him that if he doesn't want that much head the next time to not fucking order it because I wasn't fixing it the next time.

Next person to piss me off tonight is getting lime juice in their eyes.



Anybody want a ticket for the playoff game tomorrow here in Ottawa?

I've got a ticket that is of absolute no use to me considering I'll be working so if you do leave me a message.


Its amazing what red wine will do to a person

fuck you, im not editing these just because explorer is shit

for the record, i didn't take these a friend of mine did, we had a pj party

and im slightly loaded

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(she came running in just as I was putting my pj's on....little wench)

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Oh the wonderful things you can see on Rideau Street

Ottawa is full of freaks.

Freaks and sexually charged young and old men.

I finished writing my exam around 8 ish so I headed over the Rideau center to pick up a few things when I was feeling a little peckish so I decided to kill my insides with McDonalds. Normally I never eat the crap, but the fries are just so damn irresistable so I induldged.

While inside, for those of you in the Ottawa area you should know who I am talking about, I saw this giant, blond haired, 35 or something black security gaurd who was hitting up these two little hoochies wearing sneakers with their flaps hanging out, mini little skirts, and tight rolled up tank tops that showed the peaks of their tiny tits. Seriously, I don't even think I could call them tits, maybe bee stings since the girls couldn't have been any older than 14 - 15 each.

Anyways, they were the epitome of "trailer trash" and as I was heading outside Mr. Security Gaurd came running out with two McDonald's cups and handed them to the little hoochies. He was hardcore hitting on them and I wanted to vomit. I wanted to go up and say,

"Dude, what the fuck are you doing??? Youre a man of the law for Christs sakes! You should KNOW that soliciting minors is illegal Jackson!"

Then I remembered when I was 16 I dated a 29 year old on and off for 6 years so I kept my mouth shut.

But I did have titties at 16, and I wasn't trailer trash.

While I was walking out of the McDonald's the street kids, who were maybe MAYBE a year if that older than the Trailer Park Girls starting howling and whistling at me waving their signs about, flashing their kool-aid dyed hair. One guy even went so far as to do a complete 360 with his wife/girlfriend on his arm who then gave him a strict warning and punch in the arm.

Actually, that was kind of amusing.

And forget anything I ever told you about me being a nice, approachable person

I'm a horrible, miserable bitch who's anti social tendancies could potentially erupt taking hundreds of people with it.

I don't want anyone coming near me in public anymore unless I approach them first. Fuck the nice girl crap, I've got my bubble stay your damn distance.

I was reading the newspaper when I could feel someone staring at me. This old guy with a massive coffee stain (or at least I hope it was) on his lap peered over my shoulder, pointing to an article in the paper about a cannibal or something and said,

"They should string that guy up by the testicles and eat him! BABY KILLER!"

I was like, whoa dude - if you want my paper you can have it.

Letting out a nervous laugh I moved as far away from the man as possible as he continued mumbling to himself about the damn kids these days or something.

Two seconds later this lady with crazy hair started asking me what time it was and if I believed in God and our Saviour because if I didn't, I was going to Hell.

Lady, I go to Carleton and work in a bar, I'm already there.

Apparently he's coming to rescue her you know, she was an Angel brought to Heaven to spy on mortals for God - the Apocolypse is coming, God is pissed the fuck off.

On the inside I was secretly praying to God to smite her, smite her good, then I realized I was part of the problem and not so much the solution with my cussing and lingerie/stripper shoe collection. Tools of the Devil you know.

And that was my adventure on Rideau St.

Oh and I got Id'd at the liquor store, that hasn't happened to me since I turned 22, I was estatic.


Killing time like there's a contract against it

This weekend was completely uneventful, no retarded bastards came into my work, no perverts, no children complaining that they have to prove to me that they are indeed not 12 years of age contrary to their physical appearance

I never realized how fucking boring my job can actually be when I don't have to fight with customers.

I remember one time, about 3 weeks ago I had to physically take away a woman's pint glass because she started to leave the bar with it in her hand. I think she called me a "dirty cunt" and almost took a swing at me, luckily she was so fucking trashed the slightest movement almost knocked her on her ass.

Mom called me today complaining about something that I wasn't really paying attention to because I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel about when animals attack. I LOVE those shows. Not that I wish any physical harm on anyone (Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are my 2 exceptions to this rule) but people are so fucking stupid when it comes to nature its a wonder they're even alive today.

There was this one chick who had her legs taken completely off by a great white shark (all caught on camera) when she decided to go for a FUCKING SWIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING OCEAN while on a cruise.

How retarded can you possibly be?

Bitch, the ocean is the shark's HOME! If some random dude started wandering around in my apartment I'd probably beat the shit out of him too to get him the hell out.

Seriously, did you honestly think that you weren't putting yourself at risk when you dove in because you were wearing a polka-dotted bathing suit? Silly bitch.

Then they had this other guy who wanted to capture a picture of himself with a baby club and he got mauled to death by the momma bear. Well no shit dude, what did you think was going to happen? Man, I couldn't even walk across the street to the corner store when I was 10 years old, do you think Momma Bear was going to let her baby wander around aimlessly in the woods without being close by?

So buddy gets mauled by momma bear when his plan to explain that he meant no harm he just wanted a picture failed. I guess bears aren't interested in human logic....or stupidity for that matter. Go figure.

They showed these two guys pissing off a king cobra with a stick, aggitating the fuck out of it, poking it, trying to get some sort of camera angle and it bites them. Then the two fucktards start screaming in agony as the venom slowly reaches its way to their central nervous systems screaming, "Oh God WHY!? WHY!?"

If someone started poking me with a stick and annoying the fuck out of me while I was waiting for the bus to see my reaction there's a good chance I'd beat them with my heels and push them into traffic. What did they expect from the cobra? That'd it smile and go "CHEESE" while they snapped their photo?

There is just no accounting for human stupidity.

Although one time I stepped on a jelly fish to see if it was still alive and it was the most excruiciating pain of my life, so I guess I could be right up there with these idiots.

Make me popular bitches



Midnight snack leads to 30 minute police interrogation

Fuck I just got in from work at 2:30 psyched that I got out of there at a decent time.

Normally I get my usual Elgin St. Diner breakfast but I really just wanted to get home and relax

And of course, as soon as I walk in my door the stomach starts growling and I wish to God I went for that Hangover Blue Plate Special.

I head on over to the 7-11 thats basically 20 feet away from my apartment for something to eat and I hear all this commotion across the street. I look over and I see these 4 guys just pounding the shit out of these other two guys with these two Latino chicks freaking the fuck out screaming "Help me! help us! Help us!"

I'm thinking to myself, fuck all I want is some Golden Grahams and my bed, I dont want to deal with this!

But its 230 am, there is nobody out on the street and these guys are clearly getting their asses kicked.

I go into the 7 11 tell the guy at the cash to call 911 and get some police here to deal with the situation. OF COURSE I THEN HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THE POLICE GET THERE TO RELEASE A DAMN STATEMENT.

Im at the cash, Golden Grahams in hand, so damn close to my goal of eating and sleeping but instead I have to fucking deal with these coke-heads which has now resulted in me being super fucking bitter. I'm tired, I dont even want my goddamn cereal anymore and the next crack addict I see walking down the street I'm pushing them in front of a fucking bus.


1 down, 3 more till sweet fucking freedom

I wrote my first exam for this semester today.

It was in my research methods in criminal justice class.

I completely forgot that it was today, I just realized that I had an exam at 6 pm yesterday.

So I took a nap, then got up at 9, slept again at 10, watching The Devil's Rejects, studied for an hour, stayed up until 5 am on MSN, went to bed.

Woke up today at 9:30 since the exam was at 2 pm, realized I was still fucking tired, went back to sleep at 10, woke up at noon, studied for an hour and a bit, went in and wrote the exam

It was pretty standard, though I did draw the banana C for the definition of Ecological Fallacy since I forgot what the hell it was.

Mr. Hotty from Gracy's called me this afternoon so he's coming over to watch a horror movie. I much prefer first dates to be on my own ground. That way if it sucks I can just tell them to go home because I'm tired.

And sorry to disappoint you folks but I don't %#@^*^ on the first date so I won't have any juicy little details.

Vodka, Friends and China men - OH MY

Last night was a fucking gong show.

I had two birthdays to celebrate so I went out - hard. This morning I defintely paid for it.

It started off causually enough with a nice dinner at Big Daddy's Crab Shack which evolved to me telling our waiter that the bartender was hot and my friend totally wanted to fuck him. Apparently when I drink I lose that little censorship chip most human beings are installed with. The ironic part of it is that my friends are all taken and have been anxiously trying to set me up with people for the past few months.

Mind you, their taste and my taste are the exact opposites of each other.

We left Big Daddy's and proceeded to this new bar called Hooley's on Elgin where one of my friends work. We got hooked up large with alcohol since we know half of the staff. For some reason I thought sambuca shooters went well with vodka OJ and I got completely messed (moreso) within a 20 min. span. I thought I'd fancy a dance so I went running to the dance floor making a complete ass of myself when this poor unsuspecting chinese guy walks by.

Naturally I grab the poor man onto the dance floor and make him dance with me (when my friends email me the pics I'll post them) then he got a little Grabby McGrabberson so I told him to go sit back down.

As we were leaving my little asian boyfriend blew me kisses at the door. I turned to my friends,

"Who the hell is that guy?"

Such a mess.

Then we went to this ridiculous club called SIN thats full of Gino's and Lebanese women/men.

Once again, Ashley's inability to keep her damn mouth shut nearly got her ass kicked but I was drunk so I didn't give a shit.

While we were standing at the door I scream out,

"Yo Ton-y! Wheres da sooped up Camaro mang? Mang! Where's da blue tinted sunglasses!" *Ashley then turns to the coat check girl*
"Hey yo, I'm not wearing any baby Phat and I'm over the age of 16, can I still get in here yo?"

Our SIN stint didn't last long.

As far as I can remember my friends dragged me out of there before I got my ass seriously whooped by these chicks I was laughing at in the bathroom.

"Nuh uh Maria he like totally digs you nah - you've got like dee nicest body in like all dis club aint no girl got shit on you!"

"But he's like totally tongue dat girl on the dance floor"

"Dah, thats cause he stoopid, he don't know what he missing"

Ashley: "He's not stupid, he's getting fucking action and you're sitting in the bathroom complaining about it! Stupido!"

I was rushed out of there fast by my caring friends.

We then proceeded to Grace O'Malleys west where our cab ride was free because we told the cab driver one of us would show him our breasts. I honestly can't remember if someone did or not but I do remember not shelling out any cash or taking off any article of clothing, so we're good to go.

Once inside I realized exactly why I hate Grace O'Malley's

1) Its over crowded
2) The men are all losers, slobs, and perverts
3) I feel like im 50 years older than these kids

So many men came up to me that nite asking to dance, asking my chest size, one guy went so far as to give me his business card to meet him at a hotel afterwards because shit wasn't working out with his wife. I won't say his name, but I will say that he's a lawyer here in Ottawa. Fucking pig.

I sobered up pretty fast after my friend proceeded to drunkingly grab every attractive male in the bar and tried to introduce me to them by saying, "This is my hot friend Ashley, she needs to get laid what do you say?" Like she's my mother-fucking-pimp.

Naturally the men were either like,

'What a fucking loser your friend must be"


"Sure, let's go to the bathroom now"

Slightly embarassing.

She did introduce me to one very very attractive young lad who took pity on me and spoke to me while they all ran off doing their drunken business. We exchanged numbers so lets see if he actually calls or if he was just doing his civil duty. Although he was impressed by my Family Guy and Simpson's knowledge.

You never do know.

Ther are pictures from the nite (or so I have been told) so as soon as my friend sends them over I'll post them.

Until then, off to bed.


I can't remember a time before this weekend

As you all know I can never usually update my blog on the weekend since I work

Fri, Sat, Sun 6 pm - 3 am

And my weekends never start until after 6 pm on Monday since I also open the bar Monday day.

My entire body hurts

I've had minimal sleep

And the fact that I went out and got completely shit faced and didn't pass out until 7 am this morning with a friend and a bottle of Crown Royal didn't exactly help the situation.

This weekend was a fucking joke. I almost quit and walked on Saturday night because of these stupid fucking perverts.

First of all, let me just say this: I'm well aware of the fact that I have tits. I've known this since I have been 16 and was a fucking D cup. I have large breasts. Period.

I am getting sick and fucking tired of people constantly pointing this out to me like I didn't know I had fucking tits. "Oh hey, Ive got tits? Really? Fuck awesome, thanks for pointing that out I would have never known unless you told me specifically. Killer."

Anyways, I have a couple of regulars that come in every single Fri and Sat. I love Donny, he's a gay scotsman who plays for the NAC so not only is he an awesome guy, he drops the cash like he's Hugh Hefner, ok.

His fucking little friend Matt is a goddamn waste of fucking human life and his parent should have euthanized him at an early age.

The thing about matt is that his mom was one of those unfortunate women who took that pain killing drug during pregnancy that causes phocomelia (which is a congenital disease that causes limbs not to form or grow properly) so he is missing his left arm. Now, of course one feels bad for him because you know, life dealt him a shitty hand but instead of fucking accepting it and moving on (I'm dyslexic for Christ sake and I've dealt with it) he makes sure everyone and their damn dog knows that he is missing his arm and how horrible life must be for him etc etc. His constant pity parades are a pain in the fucking ass especially when he plays it up by trying to hold his pint glass in his little hand. YOU HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD ARM/HAND COMBO ON THE RIGHT SIDE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THAT???

Saturday night he kept calling me this nickname with Donny just jokingly and shit which was fine because Donny always points out that he loves my chest and being a gay man I dont care plus he doesn't write a fucking Three Act play about it.

Matt on the other hand (no pun intended) kept carrying out the joke, calling me the nickname that had to do with my chest size and kept going on and on and on to the point where it got really fucking annoying so I ignored him. He kept trying to get my attention STILL CALLING ME THE NICKNAME by the way and asked why I was ignoring him,

"Because thats not my fucking name and I dont respond to that! When you call me by my fucking name and treat me with a little fucking respect maybe then I'll listen to you!"

I should also mention that Matt lived in London for 2 months when he was 8 and has lived in Ottawa the rest of his life yet he speaks with an English accent like he's pure bred British because he's a fucking retard.

Then at 1:30 this group of 8 military guys came in being stupid and rowdy so I would only serve them 2 pitchers and that was it. They got all pissy with me and gave me attitude so I just ignored him until this one dude yelled out across the FULL BAR


I was SO pissed off so I turned around,

"One more fucking word out of your mouth and I'm taking all of your alcohol away"

"Fuck you you fucking stupid bitch"

So I start calling for the manager since we have no bouncers at my bar and I'm by myself with these 8 loser sitting at my bar. My manager was busy dealing with another set of losers downstairs.


My manager finally came up, it was about 1:50 I usually can't do my cash until 2:15 - 2:30 I grabbed my fucking cash out of my drawer so fast and stormed to the back just fuming. The girls said they've never seen me so angry before. I can't recall ever being that pissed off at a job my entire life.

To make matters worse, on Friday night I finished work and went for 24 hr. breakfast with the other girls. Obviously I didn't get home until around 4:30 am. As I got out of my cab a cop car pulled up behind the cab driver and as I was opening the door to my apartment building, keys in hand the two male cops called me over to their car.

I know I live in a fairly bad area so I thought they needed to ask me questions about the building or the street whatever.


Of course not.

Instead they start asking me questions like,

Why are you out so late?
Where do you work?
What do you do there?
Do you live here?
What apartment do you live in?
What time do you normally work until?
Why are you out so late?

Etc etc.

I was so fucking angry since these two power tripping assholes were just sitting there in the cop car harassing me for no fucking reason! They just watched me leave my fucking cab keys in hand what the hell did they think I was doing? Running a 3 ring midget circus?

"Am I under arrest? Do I need to call my lawyer? Because if not I dont have to answer this shit anymore."

I went straight to bed, pretty pissed about what just happened....and then Saturday made it worse.

I'm off to nap now since Im exhausted but I'll post about my drunken adventures with the hottest girl in the world last night.


Useless Post

I could sit here and tell you how annoying people were at work last night

I could tell you how my biggest pet peeve is when I'm fucking busy and people standing in front of the beer taps ask me what we have on draught then order the beer that they are staring at

I could tell you that the ferret hid my remote control so I had to phone Rogers Cable to get it replaced

I could tell you that I went to 4 different drug stores this afternoon looking for the only toothpaste I will brush my teeth with because I'm anal retentive

I could tell you that I ate an entire McCain Deep and Delicious marble cake last night after work just because it was in the fridge

I could tell you that I had my first ever anxiety attack on Monday night and it scared the living hell out of me

I could tell you about the harassment I endured from the police patrolling my area of town when I got out of the cab after work last night

I could also tell you that I told them if I wasn't under arrest then they had to leave me the fuck alone

I could tell you about the shitty ass dryers that are in my apartment complex that no matter how many times I try never seem to completely get my clothes dry

I could tell you that the top two things that bother me the most about my apartment is when there are clothes on the ground and my beds not made, I can not physically leave until the apt. is up to my standards.

I could also tell you that training a pack of wild monkeys to smoke cigars and recite all of Sun Tzu's Art of War while crocheting a pair of socks would be easier than teaching the new girls at work

But I don't have time because my ass has to be back at work in 2 hrs.


you got you got you got what it takes to be my man!! ugh guhggughgu

fuck, I'm officially delirious.

I've had a month now to write this paper, that is due before 8 am tomorrow and its 15 pages long, I'm still on my introduction.

why am I this fucking retarded? Why do I always have to wait until the last minute to get my shit done?


Its an essay - the topic is this:

"In light of Foucault's quotation, the focus of your paper is a critical assessment of the state of contemporary developments in criminal justice with a specific focus on institutions, policies, programs and practices. The specific question you are asked to address is:

How does freedom as exemplified by choice factor into contemporary criminal justice as it relates to insituttions, polices, practices and programs"

Am I just that fucking retarded or does this really make no sense?

What I've got so far is a half assed intro that compares criminology to lizards.

"The definition of “criminal justice” is forever changing. Like a chameleon that transforms the color of its skin to blend in with its environment, the concepts and theories of criminal justice that govern both individuals and the state change to reflect the current time and the political party in power. "

I'm so rocking the A on this one.


Some day this place is gonna burn

Last night was the Matt Good acoustic show at Carleton University (my most despised enemy, it took me a fucking hour just to get to the Alumini theatre because of all the goddamn construction in the halls!) The friend that I took with me even commented that Carleton was the most ghetto looking school she's ever been in. And she goes to Ottawa U so that says a lot.

The show was incredible. I loved the Anne Coutlier doll. I personally think he should have burned the "Paris Confessions of a Heiress" book, but I'm sure the dude who got it from him will have sweet dreams with book in one hand and vaseline in the other.

Congrats man.

I had a few odd glances from different people that night which led me to believe one of two things:

1) They recognized me from my blog much like Stewart did. (who apparently was only able to identify me by my overuse of the word 'fuck') I recieved several emails before the show asking me if I was going to be in attendance. Sorry to all those folks that I didn't reply back to, I wasn't sure if I was actually going or not.

2) I was basically wearing a see through blouse with a bra underneath so people were probably going, "Who's this ho" I thought the shirt was cute, personally and its not like you could see my tits.

I had the distinct pleasure of meeting Raymi before the show, she's an absolute gem and I hope she enjoyed herself on the tour.

For those of you who missed the show, you missed out on an amazing performance. I missed the Zaphod's acoustic show the last time Matt was here as did my friend so we were both blown away by the performance. The only thing that pissed me off were these two people who were sitting behind me that thought they were fucking comedians so everytime Matt said something they had some little comment to shoot back.

If you people who were sitting in row "I" read my blog I want you to know this:

1) Don't quit your McDonald's day job
2) You were really fucking annoying
3) The only thing that kept me from shoving my bag into your retarded faces to shut you the fuck up was my friend holding my hands back

I don't understand people like that. People who think they are so goddamn funny they have to override everything the performer is saying to hopefully get a reaction from the artist or the audience. Nobody paid $30 to listen to your stupid ass make a fucking mockery of yourself so shut the fuck up and let others listen to the guy who's on the fucking marquee.

There, I said it.

Anyways, show was great - for those of you with tickets to any of the upcoming shows you won't be disappointed.


April showers bring stupid fucking rain, then snow, then rain, then sunshine for an hour, then more rain, then exams

April is one of my most hated months.

I don't mind so much that its a little dark, and a little dreary, I like that. I'd rather sleep all day and go about my usual business all night, unfortunately the world is not equipped for that sort of thing. Maybe I'll move to Alaska when they have 24 hours and 7 months of pure darkness.

Then again, I'd probably sleep 24 hrs. because it's so dark out.

And apparently it makes people super depressed and suicidal.

But I hate April because its so damn wet. Its always raining, ALWAYS. Everytime I look out my window there's a bit of a drip or a serious downpour. And for all you long hair girls out there, you know the score when it comes to hair with rain. It fucking sucks. You can walk across the street and by the time you come back you're either a serious frizz ball or you look like a drowned rat.

Anyways, bringing it back to my last drunken post, as you can tell I deleted it because I was terrified that he'd actually read my blog (though I don't even think he has the address) and think I was psychotic. I can't tell you all the story of how we met and such because there are some things in life that are better kept to ourselves. I can't give away all my mystery right? Not even my closest friends know and they tell me on a daily basis that they live vicariously through me and my apparently "exciting" life.

I felt pretty stupid when I woke up the next morning and saw that post and how drunk, immature and drama queen I was. No wonder they call alcohol a depressant, you fucking do retarded things and when you hear about them, or in this case "read" about them, you become depressed because you realize you're that much of a fucking loser.

And drunk blogging is WAY worse than drunk dialing.

But not as bad as keeping C. up until 2 am with my inane banter.

At least when you drunk dial there's no physical evidence that can be used against you but with drunk bloggig everyone's seen it, and everyone forms a different opinion of you at times.

I think I actually erased more comments than I posted.

Well, I did actually speak to Mr. X. last night, naturally he had been out that evening partying which brings me to my next question:

How truthful are people when they are drunk?

Really, I know for a fact when I'm hammered I don't think I could physically lie if I tried. I am a brutally honest person to begin with but when I'm drunk I'm even MORE honest and upfront with my opinions.

Like the other day there was this chick at the bar who was being a total fucking bitch and who kept pushing me out of the way to get ahead of me and order her drinks. I was getting super fucking annoyed with her, and she just kept giving me attitude. Normally I would never bring someone's size into a conversation or arguement but she was a pretty large girl and she had this massive shawl with leaopard print on it - I turned to her and said,

"Jesus Christ, I bet it took the whole herd to cover your ass"

I don't remember much after that because my thankfully sober friend hustled me off before I had to collect my teeth off the floor.

Back to the question at hand here: How honest are people when they drink?

Its Official

NO MORE THIRD YEAR!!! I'm fucking DONE ladie's and Gent's.

Well, I have 4 exams to write but who the fuck cares!

No more boring ass lectures

No more fucking assignments (after I finish this one of course that I haven't even started and that will be handed in a day late)

I'm so fucking excited

1 more year to go, I'll only be 23 and I'll have 2 fucking degrees.

I want to get all of my credit cards changed to have Ba. on them!



I'm drunk and I hate life

That pretty much sums it up.

Edit: Crap.


This week hates who I've become

I've been retarded busy lately with work since there has been so much nice weather and the patio has been open. This week has been just crazy and I've been called into work early pretty much every shift.

I'm also at a bad place in my life right now with a lot of things, I was talking to the girls last night about this. I'm at this point where I am just so sick and tired of coming home to an empty apartment, an empty house, an empty bed and I know it sounds totally emo but I've felt quite lonely the past couple months. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love living on my own and I love the freedom of being single but it doesn't come without its price like most things in life.

All of my girlfriends have boyfriends that they basically live with and they don't understand why this has been bothering me so much lately. They keep telling me they'd kill for the single life. But when they have a bad day, when they've had to deal with so much shit they have someone other than a rodent or a ferret to talk to about it at the end of the day. They have someone who can listen to their venting, who they can watch movies with on the couch and right now I'd fucking KILL for that.

Like I said, I'm in a bad place right now.

Anyways, enough of this inane banter, I'm single, Ottawa has a 1 to 3 ratio for men and 90% of that 1 is either gay or taken so unless I become a lesbian I'll have to take the rodents and the ferret.

This weekend like I said was nuts, on Friday there were 2 new girls working that I think I scared the living fuck out of because I went on a warpath. First I was called into work early which is understandable because the bar area is huge and there is only one girl working service AND the bar wood. So I came into work early and it was a fucking disaster. Glasses, empty bottles, bar tabs, shit was EVERYWHERE and there were 3 new girls who had no idea what the fuck they were doing

Which pissed me off further because its a goddamn friday and you have new girls on the busiest day we've had all year. Fucking genius.

One of the biggest things that pisses me off on the service bar area is when the girls take their drinks before the bill is even killed so I have NO IDEA what I have already made, what I haven't made and what they have taken. I fucking HATE that. If the girls did that in the kitchen and took their bills before their food was up theyd so be fired on the fucking spot so I dont understand how the bar is any different. So I got pissed at one point after telling the new girls to stop doing that I just stopped making their drinks. They naturally got all freaked out asking me where their drinks were and I tore a strip out of them,

"Well how the fuck am I supposed to know what drinks I've made you and which ones I haven't if you keep taking your fucking bills! So I'm not making these until you learn!"

They caught on pretty quick after that.

Then they kept forgetting to stab their bills off the bar so I kept forgetting which drinks I made and which ones I didn't. When you have 7 different girls punching in 4 different bills each with about 3 different drinks give or take per bill that equals out to about 84 different/same drinks give or take at one time. How in the fuck am I supposed to keep track of that shit??? So I told them the next time they didn't stab their bills and I re made drinks they would be paying for them. It wasn't a good scene

And then to top everything off they kept putting their serving trays on the service end of the bar which fucking pissed me off because I only have so much room to begin with and with them putting 6 trays on the bar I defintely don't have that much room. I got really annoyed so I waited for them to come back to the bar and I pushed their trays off the end and let them hit the ground. It makes an awfully loud noise and the girls were totally freaked out. I think they think I'm a psyhopath which I'm OK with at this point. I don't expect them to be there much longer.

That was my weekend, thank you for listening.

Oh I should also mention that last night I was handing someone a beer and my tits knocked over 9 rock glasses that shattered on impact with about 50 people watching at the bar including my boss. He just looked at me and said, "Well how can I get mad at you for that! THATS what I hired you for!" it was embarassing.


When I get home from work tonight.

So much to blog about

So little time.

It's been a hectic weekend with the nice weather and the patio opening so I have been just exhausted by the time I get home from work therefore I haven't had time to update the ol' blog

But I promise to do so either tonight or tomorrow.

I'll tell you all about how I scared the hell out of the new girls.

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