20060226

White walls and the mess they contain between them

It appears the emergency, while great, will not keep me away from Ottawa nor my blog for long, I'll be home tomorrow morning. I've been pacing around a hospital for the past 12 hours although its felt like a lifetime. Its amazing just how easily life can seriously become interrupted. One minute I was working, having a good time, catching up on all of the work gossip next thing I know I'm consoling my mother and rushing down to the Brockville General.

It's been a long two days and I haven't slept much. Eating and sleeping haven't exactly been my top prirority.

I was just saying to a friend the other day after watching the news that life is so unpredictable it's somewhat scary. One minute you could be walking to the corner store to pick up a carton of milk and the next minute you're the victim of a senseless act of violence and your family is attending your funeral. I mean, it's really quite disturbing that in a flash you could cease to exist. I know that we don't live forever, that one day we'll never see a sunset, or take in a movie and the world will keep going on without us.

I tell my friends all the time that the idea of death doesn't terrify me, it's the after part that I'm worried about.

I become really anxious in hospitals. I hate being surronded by depressing off white walls, by .25 cent coffee machines and ominous PA voices calling for doctors. The fact that I have a severe phobia of needles doesn't exactly help either. I hate being surronded by the sterile smell of waiting rooms knowing that no Lysol could ever rid a room of death, pain or suffering.

Being a sickly kid growing up I spent most of my time living in hospitals. You have no idea what its like to be so young and have an hour time slot per day in which you can see your own parents. Each new day brought a new stuffed animal and another heartbreak when the nurse told my parents that I needed my rest. My little 8x10 black and white TV hardly brought me any solice. I just wanted to go home and have the damn tubes taken out of my little body. Going back to hospitals these days brings me back to past where I slept for a good portion of my youth between cold metal bars tucked in by a person I hardly knew.

It's selfish to compare myself to them but I know that they feel the exact same way I did. Alone, depressed and longing for our own beds. Cringing each time the PA called for a doctor and hardly noticing our roomate in the bed next to us.

Hospitals terrify me too.

I feel like that Little Albert kid each time I go down the white and blue halls. You know, the kid that was conditioned to be afraid of white rabbits but eventually became afraid of anything white and fluffy? Thats like me and white walls. I hate them. Every place I have ever lived in since I have left for University has only had white walls. I hate these walls too. Being in the hospital today I seriously wanted to throw my coffee against them just to add a little color and to fuck them up just a little bit - to make them not so sterile.

I tried that once when I was a kid and in the hospital, apparently they don't take too kindly to 11 year olds Crayola-ing their hospital rooms. I thought it looked nice.

Now I sit at home in Brockville just staring blankly at the computer screen after I've showered the smell of nothing off of me. Everyone keeps telling me that things are going to be all right, that they "fixed her" before anymore damage occured.

But what they don't realize is that the damage is just beginning for tonight she will be resting between cold metal bars and she will be tucked in by someone she hardly knows and she will be looking at nothing but four white walls.
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20060225

NO UPDATES FOR A WHILE

Sorry guys, there's a family emergency so I will be in Brockville for a few days.

Have a good one kids.
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I need a REAL job

And soon

I can't wait until April 2007 when I'm done school and can actually go out into the workforce instead of having to come home at 3 in the morning exhausted and sticky from the bar head to toe.

Someone recognized me last night at work from my blog, it was actually pretty cool. What was even cooler was that he thought I wasn't nearly as bitchy and I sounded in my blog, go figure.

So thanks dude, next time you're in shooters are on me.
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20060224

This is what I do when I'm bored, take absolutely ridiculous photos of myself doing absolutely ridiclous poses

You'd never know as of late that I actually hate getting my picture taken...go figure

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See kids, this is what school will do to 'ya
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20060223

Ode to Mom

My mother's birthday is coming up on March 1st and I am awaiting the inevitable mental breakdown and pity parade phone calls to follow. My mother freaks out with each birthday and with each birthday I have to fucking hear about it.

Did I mention she's only turning 39??

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my mom - the spaz - is only turning 39 years old. She isn't even 40 for Christ's sakes and already she's planning her funeral. She wants to have Whitesnake's "Judgement Day" played at her funeral. I told her she was retarded, she told me that my dad wanted Skynard's "Simple Man" played at his.

Conclusion? Both my parents are confused individuals and you all no longer have to wonder where the Hell I get it from.

So anyways, she calls me today all despondant about turning 39 on Wed like her face is going to fall off and some Logan's Run shit is going to wipe her off the face of the planet.

"Hey, are you busy right now?"

"No, I'm just getting some school work done so that I can support your ass in the nursing home, whats up?"

"Don't say nursing home! You know my birthday is Wednesday!"

"Dude, you're turning 39 chill out"

"Thats one year closer to 40!"

"And 11 years closer to 50, whats your point?"

"I'm going to be old!"

"Mom, you're 39. You have a 22 year old and a 16 year old, your tits are just as big and fake as Pamela's, you have more tattoos than your own daughter and guys my age are still trying to rail you. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Don't say rail, Ashley it sounds horrible"

"Is there anything else you want or are we going to go through the same routine again this year?"

"Maybe I should get another tattoo?"

"Maybe you should just rail a 20 year old and get it out of your system"

"What did I just say to you?"

"Ok well, you can't be that old if I've dated guys almost your age"

"Like that makes me feel any better"

"Listen, I have to go and get this work done."

"I can't believe I'm getting this old! Soon I'm going to be in an old folks home!"

"At least you'll be the only 90 year old with tits you could bounce quarters off of."

"You're impossible"

"And I came from your womb and share 50% of your genes, goodnight mom"

"You're adopted!"

I love how my dad just doesn't give a shit about his birthdays. I called him on Feb 9th to wish him a Happy 43rd and he was like, "Oh, yah it's my birthday today right? Forgot all about it"

He's a good man.


Edit: I'm not actually adopted.
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My iPod is broken

I want to curl up into the fetal position in a dark corner of my living room and cry myself to sleep. I suppose I could always take it back and demand that it be fixed but I'll probably be without it for 2-3 weeks. This saddens me.

Isn't it pathetic how humans can become so easily attatched to material goods and gadgets?

I swear to God, if my cable ever went out and I didn't have my A & E channel for a night I'd probably have a stroke.
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20060222

Want to know how to piss Ashley off?

First off, make sure she is slightly behind in her schoolwork and she has to spend from 9 am - 10 pm in the ITV Media Office at school. This tiny room was designed by Cattle Co. Canada to allow for minimum movement between students and maximum user occupancy. In other words, you can't fucking breathe without getting your spit on the person squished up next to you at the other television.

Thats why I sit at the very end of the rows, at least that way I'm only dry humping one person instead of two.

Then, after she has spent countless hours in that shit hole make sure you have all of the cafeterias closed so Ashley has to live off of smarties, one bite brownies and Doritos and any other crap you find in the school's vending machines - I think I have gut rot now. Apparently people don't actually DO schoolwork during reading week so Carleton doesn't feel the need to keep their troughs open during this week

Because let's be honest, I should be kickin' it in Florida, South Beach or Miami - not becoming an expert in DNA legislation and neurotransmitters. Fucking reading week.

Then be sure, at around 9 at night when everyone has left and there are a million fucking seats available in the ITV room you sit RIGHT beside me and smell like whatever disgusting shit you ate for dinner. Just get right up in there and nuzzle in beside me so I can take in the rank fucking bile you consumed for dinner. Because it would be unethical for you to sit somewhere else in the other 4 rows in the damn room, nope - better attach yourself to my fucking ass so that I can barely move my pen without hitting your fucking face.

As well, be sure to fucking whip out your cell phone every 5 goddamn minutes in the ITV office and talk so fucking loud that the entire University can hear you. I mean, it's only fair for you to have to discuss your everyday adventures with all of your equally loser friends while your sitting right beside me and yell out, "No shit man! No shit man! No shit man!" like you're a fucking 50 Cent record caught in your CD player.

I finally got so pissed off with this guy I whipped off my head phones and slammed my book down,

"Would you shut the fuck up! I can hear you through my fucking headphones! Take your conversation outside! Christ!"

Then what does dickshit do?

KEEPS FUCKING TALKING!

Yah, keep doing that - then I REALLY get fucking pissed off.

I whipped off my headphones,

"HELLO! I CAN STILL FUCKING HEAR YOU!"

He finally got the hint.

Then as Ashley starts leaving the University please be sure to ask her what time it is, or what time the bus is coming when THE BUS SCHEDULE IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU as Ashley is quite obviously listening to her iPod. Ashley loves it when people fucking talk to her while she is listening to her iPod, she thinks these people are of superior intelligence and she would never dream of strangling them until their little eyes popped out of their heads with her headphone cord.

And if that wasn't enough to get her going make sure you act like her annoying and rude fucking neighbours and smoke till you get cancer in the hallways of her apartment building. Thats EXACTLY what Ashley loves, second-hand-cancer. Nothing like coming home from a shitty fucking day to someone's stale old Indian Import cigarettes peeling the paint off the fucking walls.

I think I want to be a Crown Attorney now, I want to lock people away in prison where they can never annoy the fuck out of the rest of the world. I think this is a good field for me to get into.
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Does anybody know....

How to get rid of spam emails??

I get at least 10 - 15 spam emails from Viagra companies (which is odd considering I don't have a dick) and these people in like fucking Budapest asking me if I would like their millions of dollars and online pharmaceutical companies trying to give me free trial drugs.

I click on the emails hoping to get those links where it allows you to take yourself off their mailing lists but like 90% of these emails don't have those links. Its fucking annoying having to delete Sahmir Budhsdjjeadkdfdasphelan and Dr. Love every 5 fucking mins. and I want them GONE!

How do I do this without invoking bodily harm upon someone?
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20060221

The Story on Page 1

I worked Sunday night on the floor (for those of you not up to date on restaurant terms that means I was serving) which I absolutely hate with a passion since I am a bartender, not a damn server. I'm allowed to be evil and tell people off to an extent on the bar, I can't say shit when I serve.

Around 12 am these 4 people that have come in before, straight out of the trailer park came in and sat down. Already I was grouchy since I was still working and I wanted to go home to "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" which I had just purchased that afternoon. I went over to the table and asked them what they wanted to drink, the one girl looked no older than 17 so I asked her for her ID.

The dude across from her gave me nothing but attitude for it and I told him I was just doing my job.

She produced a birth certificate so I said, "Well... I can't take that for 2 reasons. 1) its not a vaild peice of ID and 2) it doesn't even have your picture on it. Sorry"

Then big mouth again starts yapping about how she doesn't drive so I told her to go to the liquor store and apply for a BYID which I could take. He TOLD me to serve her now and he'd bring it in tomorrow for me. I told him tomorrow wouldn't work for me if I got fired tonight and that she wasn't drinking. He kept going on and on and I kept repeating, "Im just doing my job, I'm just doing my job" eventually he let up and ordered for the table

For him, a screwdriver and a bottle of Heineken, for his buddy a bottle of Heineken and for the lady beside him a double vodka soda and the underager a sprite.

I brought them their drinks intending to keep a close on eye on him to see whether or not he would give her one of his drinks. As soon as I brought the drinks over he said, "We'll take another round" I said he could wait to finish this round and he started getting mouthy again. I told him that once again I was just doing my job and I could only serve a person 2 drinks at a time maximum.

I went back to the bar to watch them and make sure that they didn't give her any alcohol, 2 mins later the fucking grease pit monkey that he is (oh, did I mention he was one of those cool gino guys that drives a camaro with the fucking lights on the rims and wears fucking basketball jersies?) tells me, "Ok I'm done I want another one" I said you aren't done and slammed his entire bottle of Heineken in front of him that was full. He was like, "Fuck you I want my other round now you said two drinks at a time blah blah blah Im a loser Im an idiot my house has wheels blah blah" I told him I would bring him another round when he finished that one - entirely.

So about 5 mins. goes by and he calls me back over to the table. He asks me what my best wine by the bottle was and I was like, "How the fuck would you know? You probably drink fermented grapes out of a fucking milk carton thats been sitting on your trailer porch for 6 months you fucking loser" but instead I pointed out to him a decent bottle of white wine and he ordered it then asked for another round of the same drinks. I told him NO - you can have the round of drinks but you will then have to wait for the wine

"Fuck you think you can tell me how to drink and how not to with your fucking 10$ an hour?"

I was like dude, first of all you have no idea how much I make an hour he said, I know everything about this business and how much you make I told him that unless he had one of my paychecks in front of him he has no idea and to keep his mouth shut.

I brought out the round of drinks and their bill. I told them that I was not comfortable serving them any longer and the guy with the attitude could take it to another bar that would put up with his shit. If he had a problem with the way I was serving he could leave.

Two mins. later I watch them all get up and start walking down the stairs, I ran towards the door and yelled, "GET THE FUCK BACK UP HERE AND PAY YOUR BILL!" The grease yelled back, "FUCK YOU I'M NOT PAYING FOR NOTHING YOU LITTLE FUCKING BITCH!" I yelled, "GET THE FUCK BACK UP HERE OR I AM CALLING THE FUCKING COPS ON YOU!"

My manager heard the noise and she came running to the stairs with a regular who is a rather fair size. The loser guy ran up to the stairs got right into my face and said, "FUCK YOU YOU LITTLE BITCH IVE NEVER HAD USUCH SHITTY FUCKING SERVICE I COULD FUCKING BUY THIS BAR AND FUCKING BURN IT DOWN YOU FUCKING LITTLE BITCH!!! YOU WATCH YOUR FUCKING BACK YOUR BOUNCER CAN'T BE WITH YOU ALL THE TIME! I COULD FUCKING BUY YOU RIGHT NOW I GOT OVER A FUCKING THOUSAND IN MY POCKET RIGHT NOW!"

I smiled and said, "Great - then you can afford to pay your fucking bill"

He reared back like he was going to fucking smack me in the face so my manager pushed me back and the big regular stepped in.

"OH WHAT THE FUCK, YOU HER BOUNCER NOW? WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER!"

Tracy said, "I am the fucking manager and you're barred. Pay your bill and get the hell out, don't ever come back!"

So buddy thew me like $80 or something and walked down the stairs then proceeded to take a piss all over the hallway. My manaeger called the cops and I don't know what happened from there since I had an escort leading me to a cab to get me home.

And that was my night, fun eh?
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20060220

You know whats fun?

Having someone threaten your fucking life at work and telling you to watch your back.

Thats fucking fun.

I'm going to bed.
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20060218

NEVERENDING WHITE LIGHTS - TOUR DATES

So like I said, this band NWL fronted by the ever so talented (and, if I may say so, gorgeous) Daniel Victor is amazing and they are a definite must see. The CD is called Neverending White Lights: Act 1 so purchase it and love it.

Daniel is based out of Windsor and he's trying to get himself out there so he deserves a shout - out from us loyal Canadians. I'll be attending the Ottawa show this Monday @ Babylon, doors open at 6:30 pm so be there dammit, don't make me hunt you down.

If you do not live in the Ottawa area you can find the other tour dates here

I really suggest you look into this band, Daniel's music has a dark, almost melancholic feel to it but it's put together so beautifully and backed by other equally talented musicians who guest on the CD. If you like that genre of music I totally suggest you look into NWL.

As well, it appears Matt Good has posted his acoustic tour dates so check that out too, if you haven't already purchased In A Coma I suggest you do so. It includes all of his greatest hits starting as far back as Last of the Ghetto Astronauts. The CD's also include special features such as videos with commentary and acoustic versions of some of his best hits.

Edit: I should note that neither artist has posted all of their tour dates so keep checking out their sites to see if they are coming to a city near you.
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I never again want to hear the words Jager and Bomb in the same sentence

Thursday night was a messy, messy night.

I would have told you all about it on Friday but I slept in until 3 pm before I had to get ready for work because I couldn't drag my hungover ass out of bed.

I did 15 Jagerbombs in less than an hour.....it wasn't my fault though, they were $3 each and I had a really shitty night AND I was being challenged by a friend to see who could do the most.

I won.

Thats all I can remember about that night, I think I went to some country bar or whatever afterwards but I think we just made it for last call and I headed back home with my girlfriend who then discovered that her car was stolen from the front of my apartment building. That was fun calling the police and reporting it while we were both pretty smashed.

Before we went out I had my critical analysis of studies in criminal justice class. Which I hate going to for 2 reasons:

1) Its on Thursdays from 6 - 9. Its the only damn class I have on Thursdays so its a waste of a day
2) My prof has a hard on for me

Now I'm not saying that to be egotistical, oh no - its been proven.

For the first few weeks of class my friends kept telling me that the prof was staring at me each lecture. I was like, there are 200 students in this damn class, there is no way he's staring AT me, we do sit in the middle of the lecture room so it could just be like, one of those optical illusions where you THINK someone is looking straight at you, but really they're not.

To prove them wrong we sat in the very left of the lecture hall to switch it up a bit and so we wouldn't be in the direct attention of the prof. Sure enough, he spent the night on the left side of the lecture room staring in our direction

Creepy.

Then Thursday night (keep in mind I have NEVER given him my name, I have NEVER answered a question in class and my friends have NEVER said my name in his presence) I went down to ask him for another copy of the second assignment, as soon as I stepped down I didn't even say a word and he goes, "Yes Ashley - what can I do for you?"

How fucking bizarre is that??

I asked for a second copy of the assignment and ran back to my seat. Later on in the evening he was doing a re-enactment of the JFK assasination and said he was going to randomly pick 4 volunteers from the class list to act as JFK, Jackie, The Govenor and the Govenor's wife. I turned to my friends and said how much do you want to fucking bet he's going to call me down there. They laughed and said no way and I fucking KNEW he was going to. Sure enough, he started going randomly down the class list calling out names then he puts down the list, looks at me and goes "Ashley"

I practically yelled at my friends, "I fucking TOLD you so!"

After the stupid and completely pointless re enactment was over, the lecture went on for anotehr hour then he handed back the assignments we did 2 weeks ago. Now, this assignment I did in an hour, I failed to put it in APA style, I completely ignored the rules of grammar or spellcheck and I didn't even DO the readings.

My friends on the other hand worked for hours on theirs, they followed all the rules and did all the readings. The class average was 60% they all got 75-78% on their assignments which was pretty damn good we thought. Then I get my assignment back, 85 fucking percent.

I don't even think he READ my paper because if he did he would know that I obviously put 0 effort into it and I didn't bother with the readings.

Now if that doesn't prove something I don't know what the hell does.
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20060216

I'm feelin' sexy tonight in my new pj's!

...even if the lighting in my apartment sucks and I don't know how to work the "auto pic" option on my digital camera.

So screw you, don't make fun of my picture-taking-skils, or lack thereof.

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20060214

Yay or Nay

I'm sick of my current hair colour, I'm thinking of going dark.

Maybe even black.....??

What do you guys think?

a) No thats fucking stupid, you're just going to hate it later
b) Yah do it, change is good
c) No, I like your hair all golden porn-star like
d) Yah, but don't go overly dark, don't jump into it - start off with like light brown or something
e) Johnny Depp


edit: I should also note that the damn ferret hid my slippers and I can't find them anywhere, I have hardwood floors and my feet are cold.
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Want to be deliciously evil?

Tell your boyfriend you're expecting a new edition to the family.

I did so on Sunday night when I called about getting the ferret. Only I failed to mention to him (completely by accident of course) that I was even going shopping for a new companion.

So I call him Sunday, after finding out that I can't pick up my little girl until Monday morning, all excited and thrilled with my news.

"Guess what babe, I have some great news! You can expect a new edition to the little family! I'm so excited! I'll call you later!"

I ended up going home and turning my cell phone off so I could get some schoolwork done. Being that its Sunday and I have no will power when it comes to going out with the girls that is the only way I can stay focused.

I turn my cell phone back on Monday morning after I pick up the ferret and I see my voicemail light blinking,

"...You have 6 new messages, your inbox is full please delete all new and saved messages so that you can make room for new messages"

I though those crazy girls must have had a good night.

No.

BEEEEP
"Ashley???? What's going on, where are you??? Whats happening! Call me back!"

BEEEEP
"Ashley pick up your phone now! Are you at the doctors? Where are you? Are you at home?? Please call me back!"

BEEEEP
"Ashley answer the phone now! Where are you???"

BEEEP
"Ashley, this isn't funny anymore, whats going on? Why aren't you calling me back, shit, call me"

BEEEEP
"WEARESODRRRUUUNNNKKKYOUSHOULDHAVEGONEOUT"
*incoherant bar noises*

BEEEEP
"Ashley, its your mom call me back"

BEEEEP
"ASHLEY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON CALL ME!"

The last message I realized that I TOTALLY forgot to tell him that I was going to look at animals that afternoon so he was probably freaking out the entire night thinking I had a bun in the over or something. I called him and told him everything was cool and all I got was a deaf ferret and I think we wanted to both hug me and strangle me at the same time.

I guess thats what you get for forgetting V-Day.
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20060213

Now Presenting: Scout - The Wanderer

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Scout: The Legacy

Hey Robin, thanks for the great links - I'll post my comment back here because it ended up being a lot longer than I expected it to:

I did go to the Humane Society already to look for pets and I am not qualified to take any of the shelter animals, otherwise I would. I DEFINTELY would suggest that people who have the time to look after shelter animals go there first before they go to any store. There are so many loving, needy animals that desperately deserve a good home and they should always be considered first.

However, most of the animals need someone home for the majroty of the day, thats just not condusive with my work/school schedule. I do work long shifts, and I am at school on my days off. Scout will eventually be trained to be a house ferret so she will not have to stay in the cage while I am gone. Believe me, I have that ottawa humane page bookmarked on my explorer. Unfortunately I am not allowed to be away from the animals for more than 4 - 5 hrs. since they have either been abused, or neglected and they need someone to be there for the majority of the day/night.

I'm actually in the process of cleaning my entire house and lifting up all of the wires off the ground to make sure she doesn't chew through any of them. I trust the store I bought her at as I go in there all the time to get my gerbil food and have their nails clipped when they get too long. The girls were sad to see little Scout to leave today and they loaded me up with a ton of free toys and treats that she loves to play with. They also discounted me her cage since it was originally $250 dollars they took off $100 for me.

Scout knows she's in good hands, she's been following me around all day today as I have been cleaning up and doing some schoolwork. I think because she is deaf she needs to attach herself to someone she can trust and knows will look after her. She never leaves my side actually when I have her running around, she's always trying to jump up into my arms.

I'll post some pictures of her tonight when I have the chance.

I appreciate the links to the websites I actually have a vet already that is willing to take Scount on as a "patient" and who will give her her shots and clip her nails for me. She has already been spayed so thats one thing I don't have to worry about! I'm actually training her to be a house ferret and she only will need to use her cage to sleep, poop and eat. I don't want her cooped up in there, I would much rather see her running around than sitting in a cage all day.

Scout is defintely in a good home, she'll defintely be the most spoiled and well taken care of ferret in the world!
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20060212

Rescue 911

Its been a bit of a crazy weekend, I picked up a few shifts because 2 of the bartenders went away to Mexico for a week plus I had a stupid midterm on Friday that took me literally 15 mins to write and I have this research proposal to finish.

So I apologize for the lack of updates.

Today, after work, I went with a friend of mine to look at cats since I want an animal around the house that doesn't reside only in a cage. I live on my own so it can get rather lonely sometimes when there is no one else around.

At the store they didn't have any and they weren't expecting any in for a while, which was disappointing since I really had my heart set on finding a cat to take home with me. But then I saw the cutest little girl in the entire world. She is a 6 month old ferret who is the sweetest little thing ever. She loves being held, cuddled, played with and she is BETTER than a cat because she just loves attention.

And she is deaf.

The girl at the store told me that nobody will take her because she is "defective" which is absolute bullshit. I think she has way more personality than any cat I have ever seen. Obviously you can't call her because she can't hear you but when I set her on the ground to play with her she kept running back to me and jumping up into my arms. Seriously, you have to see this little girl she is the cutest thing ever. I think because she is deaf she attatches herself to other humans and animals to protect her.

I couldn't take her home tonight, but I am going tomorrow morning to pick her up and I am super excited to bring her home with me. I picked up the biggest cage they had there, a ton of toys and treats, a little leash that she can be walked with (when its warmer outside) shampoos, premium ferret foot, a little brush, clippers, squeaky plush toys, hammocks, chew toys she is going to be the most spoiled little ferret on the block.

And I have already named her: Scout.

I love her she is so sweet, I think the fact that she is deaf makes her even more special.
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20060209

I officially hate human beings.

My week hasn't been going too bad thus far, I picked up some sweet bar shifts at work, I'm basically done this assignment that has been slowly killing me and taking a part of my soul everytime I open Microsoft Word AND I got a grand in the bank account thats all mine.

So today I decided to do a little shopping and pick up that sweater I was telling you all about.

And then some.

I was feeling mighty peckish so I went to the food court for a little Teryiaki Bowl which just hit the spot. I always hate it when lazy lazy people are incapable of picking up the crap from their table and emptying their trays when they get up. Why the fuck should I have to clean up your goddamn mess when you have two fucking feet and a heartbeat?

I threw out all of my refuse and walked over to Magpie to purchase this necklace that I was in love with. I found what I wanted and went to pay. When I reached into my purse to pull out my wallet...

IT WASNT THERE!

I was freaking the hell out because it's a big purse and there is no way it could just fall out. I obviously have my wallet before since I paid for my lunch at the food court with my debit card. I was freaking out and ran back down to the food court and asked the people at the T.Bowl if I had left my wallet there, they said "No" so I went back to where I was sitting.

Nothing.

Not a goddamn thing.

Then it hit me, I totally left my purse sitting right on top of my table when I went to throw out my lunch wrappers. It was sitting, in plain view, right on top of the table and someone - in a busy fucking food court reached in there and plucked it out. I ALWAYS close my purse and double check to make sure it's closed when I go out because I'm afraid that it could fall out. So i KNOW my purse was closed.

And someone had the fucking gnads to open it, take out my wallet and steal it.

What a fucking asshole cocksucking fucking dick-head.

I'm seriously fucking pissed. Not so much about losing the wallet, I have duplicates of my health card and my driver's liscence, and I can always have my credit card company send me new cards. That's not what pisses me off.

What pisses me off is that there are people out there, who just don't give a fuck about other people and will pull off a stunt like that IN A BUSY FOOD COURT IN PUBLIC NO LESS.

I hope you got hit by a bus after you stole my wallet asshole, remember: Karma's a Bitch.
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20060208

Nuhh nuuuh Dude looks like a LADY!

First off, I called the CPP office and found out that that grand is in fact mine. Apparently there was a problem with someone ( I can't remember what the hell it was) so they put the money into my bank account.

That sweater is so mine.

Anyways, last night I went out with a couple girls from work to this bar called Zaphods in the market. Its a punk/trance bar depending on the night you go. Mostly its a group of mowhawked, tattooed punks but the drinks are cheap, the music is awesome and if you're a girl you won't be manhandled like most other bars.

So last night my friends Becky and Christy along with myself rolled up to the bar and saw a group of at least 10 hot chicks standing in front of the door. I was like, ok - this is odd there's usually no girls here, especially none with their hair and makeup all done in fancy dresses. We walked towards the door and one of the chicks looked at me and said,

"Hi, how are you?"




....


.......In the MOST MANLY VOICE I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE!

ALL THE CHICKS WERE DUDES IN DRAG!

I couldn't believe it! These chicks were fucking hot I was like, what the hell??? They seriously could have passed for real women. I was shocked.

We went inside anyways because we thought it would be rude to see the drag queens and leave immediately after, so we chilled and had a drink. But the entire time we were there I had to keep convincing people that yes, God gave me a vagina and no, I didn't get my breasts done from Dr. So and So. I got sick and tired of justifying my natural gender so we ended up leaving.

It was all quite bizzare, these girls, boys, whatever you want to call them were all very attractive, I couldn't believe how good looking they actually are.

So straight men of the world, take that as a caution. I have no problem with men dressing as women or vice versa. In fact, drag queens are some of the nicest, coolest people I have ever met. They're actually a riot to hang out with but I don't agree with men in drag lying to straight men - claiming to be real women. It's not cool to decieve people that way.

Most of the drag queens I have met have always been up front with what God had given them when talking to straight men but I have heard stories of straight men picking up men in drag genuinely believing they were women.

Even still, I just can't get over how hot these "chicks" were, its crazy.
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20060207

Finally....

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Play the Devil's Advocate?

I went online to pay my bills when I noticed my bank account was looking a little fuller than usual.

I checked out my banking history and I had an unknown deposit of $1,200 from CPP or something like that. I have no idea what the hell CPP is and I certainly do not know why they are giving me a grand.

It was a direct deposit, I didn't put it in there so either they did or my bank did.

Now the question is do I ask my bank where this deposit came from or do I shut my mouth and go shopping tomorrow?

I'm leaning towards asking the bank what the hell happened but there is this adorable sweater in the Banana Republic store that I'm crazy about....
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20060206

He's the one they call Dr.Feelgood, He's the one that makes you feel all right

Superbowl was the longest shift of my fucking life. My god, do you ever notice how disgusting people are at buffets? We had this "Superbowl Buffet" last night complete with heartburn in a chili bowl.

We had wings, chili, garlic toast, pizza, zucchini sticks and chicken fingers. We should have had a doctor on staff last night in case someone had a fucking heart attack. But people gorge themselves at buffets and its disgusting. I can't watch people eat that much without feeling sick to my stomach. Its even worse when you grab your kids because they can hold 2 more plates for you - thats gross.

Anyways, thankfully I don't have to work Superbowl again for another year so life is good again. And I won $100 at half-time because my square was the right half-time score - so go me and go Bell Canada because that's where that $100 is going.

After Superbowl I went with a couple girls to Barrymore's in our shirts we had made for the night and it was a great time up until the end of the night when shit got weird.

First of all, I had this massive MASSIVE black guy following me around the entire time. Not to be stereotypical but apparently black men just love blonds. Its probably that whole "opposites attract" business or something. I've never dated someone of colour before mainly because I'm from a small town where we don't have very many coloured people so I've never had the chance, but daaaamn I've served many a black men that are fucking f-i-n-e at the bar before and if I was single I'd be all over that

Anyways, getting off track here. He kept following me around the entire night so we kept trying to lose him but he was like a fucking bloodhound so he kept finding me. I finally was like, "Dude - can I help you?" and he went off on some explicit tangent about dipping me in BBQ sauce or something so I was like - holy fuck - and ran my small white ass to the bathroom to hide because I was pretty sure this dude was ready to kidnap me, it was crazy. Eventually he lost interest and moved onto someone else.

Then I was ordering drinks from the upstairs bar when this guy suddenly starts grinding into my ass so I was about to turn around and fucking deck him in the face. I turn around and, "Holy shit - CHRIS! What are you DOING?"

Chris is one of my good friend's ex boyfriends.

They JUST broke up like 2 months ago if that. He dumped her even though they lived together because, "I can't see myself marrying you" what a fucking asshole. Thats the most bullshit excuse I ever heard.

I asked him to remove his cock from the back of my pants and told him that it wasn't cool, and that B* is a good friend of mine and he was a pig. When it became apparent that he obviously didn't give a fuck about what he was doing I ran off with my friends to lose him on the dance floor.

As always, I had to request some Motley Crue since it was 80's night and thats just what I do. I asked for them to play "Dr. Feelgood" since they only play the mainstream M.C. It usually takes them forever to play my damn songs but they were good last night and had it on in only 3 or 4 songs. Now, when I am out - I don't give a FUCK about how I dance, how much fun I have or who's watching. I'm there for myself, to have fun and if you have a fucking problem with it that's too damn bad. (I'm such a bad ass, I know)

I'm up dancing about with one of my girlfriend's singing along with the song, whooping it up when this fucking chick starts mimicking me and acting like a total braindead ho.

I step up to her and ask her if she has a problem and she goes, "Yah - you're annoying"

I was like, "Excuse me?"

"You're fucking annoying."

"How the fuck am I anything? Why the hell do you care how I dance or what the fuck I am doing, am I fucking offending you on the dance floor? Am I really fucking pissing you off singing along to the song like the other 100 people out there? Listen bitch I think the fucking Kool-Aid you dyed your hair with has seeped its way into your fucking brain because you're an idiot."

Then I walked away because there was 2 of us and about 6 of them. I'm a lover baby, not a fighter.

Finally we ended up leaving, but we had an awesome time all things aside, and it was nice to get out of the house and onto the dance floor. I think I left about 10 lbs of me at the bar because we didn't stop dancing the entire time.

Ps. I also have pictures from last night at work, I just have to wait for my friend to email them to me so once she does I'll post them

PPS. I must either be tired or still drunk because I just went into the shower with my underwear still on.....
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20060205

Some people!

Last night was one of the busiest nights we've had in a while at my bar. We had a reservation of 15 that turned into over 30 people in one of the private rooms so the poor server was running around trying to figure out who had what and get everyone's tabs out to them.

She went to a large table and asked if it would be ok if she could settle their tabs with them (this girl is the sweetest, nicest, most polite girl I have ever met in my life she is an absolute darling) and most of them were like "yah - no problem for sure" but this once guy said,
"Well, what if I want drinks after?"

Erin (the server) replied, "Oh thats fine, I'll just cash and carry with you after that"

"Well thats fucking stupid, why would I do that?"

"Because there is one of me and 30 of you, I can't keep track of all of you"

Suddenly this dumb fucking cunt from the table goes,

"What did you just say to him???"

Erin was so thrown off she said, "Excuse me?"

"What the fuck did you just say to him bitch???!!"

Erin just stood their stunned

"What, did I fucking stutter??"

Erin "I just asked him to pay for his tab and if you were listening to the entire conversation you would know what I just said"

"Why are you being such a bitch??!"

Erin "I wasn't being a bitch! Did you even hear the conversation or are you just flapping your gums?"

"Ga - I HEARD the conversation bitch and you have no right to speak to him that way! The customer is always right!"

Erin: "Ok what did I just say then?"

The girl had no idea she was muttering about something

Erin: "Yah thats what I thought, you have no idea what the hell I just said, you just want to be a bitch."

Then the girl freaked out, jumped on her chair and lost it on Erin "Whats your name! I want your name! You can't talk to customers like that you fucking bitch! I'm tellling all of my friends never to come back here!"

Erin "Actually, you can't talk to me that way so get the hell out of here and I don't give a shit if your friends ever come in here! if they're anything like you I hope they never come in here!"

The best part was when her friends walked her downstairs calling her a "douchebag" and "a fucking bitch" for treating Erin like that. ALl of them apologized to Erin for their friends and said that she is a stupid cunt and they know she can be a dumb bitch so they escorted her out and tipped her handsomly.

Seriously, where the hell do these people surface from?
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20060203

God I HATE Football

Yes, football

Yes, I HATE FOOTBALL

Love hockey

HATE football.

What I don't understand about football is how anyone can sit there for hours and watch a game that stops every 3 seconds for 20 mins. of instant replays then see some old man hocking Medicare for another 30 minutes every 5 minutes.

Is there even a game ON? Or is it just a bunch of men in spandex running across the screen?

Maybe I'm a chick and I don't understand the "bonding rituals" associated with football. Or maybe as a chick I'm the only sane gender that realizes just how fucking ridiculous watching the sport is. Mind you, the men are fairly attractive and their cute little asses look killer in those spandex, but I certainly do not need to watch them run around slapping and pinching each other for hours.

Thats what porn is for.

And now I have to bartend for Superbowl Sunday - won't that be a treat?

I bartended for last years Superbowl and it was a horrible, horrible experience. You could literally cut the testosterone with a knife. And then all the guys get drunk and rowdy and the "Hey baby coming home with ME tonight?" comments are increased 2-fold but I have to deal with because, as my boss says, "Its only one time out of the year and you know you're going to make at leat $400 tonight" Which is true.

Even still, I fucking hate Superbowl.

Maybe you men could tell me why it is you watch football? Seriously, whats the appeal? I'd realy like to know.

Edit: I should also note, that if you are in a classroom of over 100 people in a sound carrying auditorium keeping your cell phone on and having dipsy friends that forget you are in class call you is defintely an embarassing situation. Especially if your ringtone is, "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue.....
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20060201

You know let me just take a goddamn minute

Its been a shitty fucking week in general and I just want to vent.

So if you're opposed to obscene language especially of the "f" and "c" variety I wouldn't suggest reading the following:

Men are fucking idiots.

Fucking stupid idiots that have 0 concept of anything when it comes to relationships.

The basis for my assessment?

Example.

My boyfriend comes into my bar, sits at my bar, gives me some caveman grunt of a greeting as I hand him his Guiness but then rolls out the red fucking carpet when my coworkers/friends walk by. Today - TODAY - this was fucking SATURDAY NIGHT he asks me what my problem was Saturday.

Well I don't know, you're the fucking genius you figure it out.

How about you fucking ignored my ass, the girl that you're not only sleeping with but are committed to, and gave a big ol' Hey-Ho to everyone else walking around in the bar. If there was a fucking impotent circus midget hocking Viagra on a fucking unicycle I could understand why you might pay more attention to him than myself - but ignore me to speak to my coworkers? Thats fucking low man.

Oh and for the record, smart guy - you DEFINTELY DO NOT ASK YOUR GIRLFRIEND IF SHE IS PMS'ING AND THEN FORGIVE HER FOR HER HORMONE IMBALANCE! It's NOT cute that I'm all cranky and on my period - Jesus H Christ man, how the fuck did you make it to 32 with that kind of attitude? Do you cherish sex?? Because the only sex you're going to get is from a tube sock and warm apple pie asshole. You should know that the number 1 rule of dealing with an angry partner is to COMPLETELY AVOID ANY MENTION OF HER BODY OR ITS INTERNAL FUNCTIONS! Men would rather walk over broken glass and lava while fucking Hilary Clinton than deal with the fucking backlash they'd recieve for making such a grave mistake.

Honestly, if I was a complete fucking cunt I would totally lay down the hammer on him instead I just shut my mouth and laid it all out here.

And you fucking redneck fuckers that smoke in the fucking hallways and elevators KEEP YOUR GODDAMN SECOND HAND SMOKE IN YOUR OWN APARTMENTS! I can't even begin to emphasize how disgusting it is to come home only to be met with the stale cigarette smoke that has seeped its way underneath my door and fills my aparment with carcenogenic agents. STOP - IT! I am SO sick and tired of coming home and smelling your cheap ass Indian smuggled cigarettes in the hallways! Keep it in your own damn house!

And while you're at it - it's called "VOLUME" learn it, embrace it, live it - stop speaking so fucking loud to each other while you're in the hallways. I can't even begin to tell you how sick and tired I am of hearing people at 4 IN THE MORNING speaking at the top of their lungs while hanging around their apartment doors. And I'm not talking speaking loudly - I'm talking screaming like a goddamn shiek ready to kill his next fucking victim loud. There is just NO need to speak to people that loud when they are literally 2 feet from your fucking face!

As for all you Goddamn Conservatives rubbing your "victory" in our faces:

YOU FUCKING INBRED TRAILER PARK BIBLE THUMPING BUSH LOVING GOD SAVE THE QUEEN TORIES YOU GOT A MINORITY GOVERNMENT FOR CHRISTS SAKES! THATS LIKE WINNING THE SILVER FUCKING MEDAL AT THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS SO GET OVER IT!!!!

Ok, think I'm good now.
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Seriously who the fuck and what the fuck is she on?

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
Hi who is this?

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
kirstie

xLikesxItxDirtyxsays:
....kirstie....?

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
yesterday we were in dat g convo

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
???

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
i dont kw how eplain

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
er, ok well why dont you try explaining with some proper english for a start

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
where did you get my email addy from because I have no idea who you are or how you got my MSN

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
ill delete u k

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
Just tell me first where you got my email from please

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
da g convo

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
What the fuck is a G convo??

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
A BIG CONVO

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
Ok I have no idea who the hell you are or what the hell a big G conversation is but you had to have gotten my email from someone who clearly isnt me so Im asking you once again nicely, where did you get my email from or who gave it to you?? did you get it off a website or what?

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
NO I GOT IT FROM A CONVO BUT THERE WAS LOTS OF US IN IT AND ILL DELETE U OK IM SORRY

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
Ok where was the convo Id like to know since someone is clearly using my email address - do you understand what I am asking you

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
NO

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
IT WAS IN A CONVERSATION

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
YOU WERE ADDEED TO IT

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
awesome, great - we've established that BUT WHERE WAS THIS CONVO ON WHAT SITE WAS IT ON?

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
I DIDNT ADD U I DONT KNOW WHO DID IM SORRY

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
ON MSN

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
Dont apologize I just want to know who the fuck is using my email address

boys r lyk nappyshard 2 change and full of shit says:
I DONT KNOW SORRY

xLikesxItxDirtyx says:
All right you're clearly fucking brain dead good luck with that

*block*
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