New Years Resolutions

1. Stop letting my voicemail pick up every call because I'm anti social and despise talking on the telephone

2. When I say I'll call back, I'll actually mean it instead of just saying it to get rid of the person on the other end of the line

3. No more Cool Ranch Doritos, even the thought of it makes me want to cry

4. More water, less Diet Pepsi

5. I promise I'll go to class more than I do, even if it means listening to the same inane bullshit I've been hearing since first year, every goddamn semester. I KNOW WHAT VALIDITY AND RELIABILITY MEANS ALL READY! I DONT NEED ANOTHER FUCKING 2 YEARS OF MY 5 GRAND WASTED ON IT!

6. Little less MSN, little more real human contact

7. Stop procrastinating. It took me a week to even come up with this list.

8. Stop with the OCD. Its unecessary to freak out when laundry is on the floor and not in the basket, using two coasters, rearranging my DVD's in alphabetical order and only putting the volume on even numbers.

9. I promise I'll stop getting frustrated with people who walk slow on the sidewalk or stop in the middle of the hall, instead I'll just push them out of the way and wish them a happy fucking day.

10. Stop cussing so fucking much.

11. I'm going to call home more. My grandmother's almost put my picture on milk cartons before and I really don't want to be watching TV and home and seeing my face on a "Missing Children" bulletin

12. No more drunken "Speakers Corner" I've had more than enough people come up to me asking me if I was the chick who stole the tomato and had all of her speech beeped out because I was cursing so fucking much.

13. Sigh, stop cussing.

Update from the F-L-A

Fri
- got up at 7 am
- cleaned up the house, packed bags for Orlando
- left for Orlanda at 5 pm, got there at 9:30 pm
- watched "Deuce Bigalow: European Giggalo" on the way up on the portable DVD player
- scheduled much needed therapy after watching that fucked up movie
- stayed in some god awful roach motel that my mom thought looked nice from the internet pictures
- didn't sleep as I could hear people in the next room plotting to kill someone
- the hotel was also right beside some mini 24 hr amusement park, please.kill.me.

Sat
- woke up at 8 am
- went for breakfast at Perkins at 9:30 am
- had the most bubbly, annoying , in your face server one could ever possibly have, thank you once again Wendy for trying to start up a 20 min conversation with me about the joys of jam iun the morning while I am trying to eat my goddamn breakfast, people like you need to get out less.
- checked into the Hard Rock Hotel (god I love that place)
- went to Universal Studios - best rides ever. JAWS still freaks me the fuck out
- went to Island of Adventures, rode roller coasters far too many times, felt violently ill
- had dinner at the Hard Rock Restaurant, had hottest server ever (even if he did have a mohawk)
- got smashed with mom at hotel bar, mom swears she saw Gene Simmons waking down the hall, I told her it was probably just a Great Dane

Sun
- got up early, went to step dads parents for dinner
- many hours later, wanting to die, cheeks have been pinched far too much, decided to get drunk on wine so that I didn't have to deal with it
- got home at like 11 at night, went to bed refused to wake up early monday

Mon
- nothing to report, slept - got up - went tanning in the backyard - had dinner

Tues
- took my brother to get his tattoo done
- argued with him continously, wanted to beat him senselessly

* This parlor that we went to has tattooed the likes of Loyd Banks, 50 Cent, Busta Rhymes etc. and my brother asked for "Gansta" to be written in the back of the celtic cross that he wanted between his shoulder blades. My mom argued with him and said no, my brother kept fighting with her and the tattoo guy just laughed. Finally I was sick of him talking so I said, "This guy has tattooed 50 and Busta and you little white cracker want to get "Gansta" written on your back?? Until you get shot 9 times and survive white boy thats never going to happen!"

That ended to conversation

- he never ended up getting his tattoo
- went out for dinner, watched:


The Skeleton Key
*Predictable, boring

The Exorcism of Emily Rose
* Boring, slow, barely any action, same usual things screaming cursing, bleeding

Sleepers
*Excellent, never seen it before until now

Old School
*Always good, always makes me laugh "You're my boy Blue!"

Wed
- I just woke up
- doing nothing, tanning, drinking, eating, sleeping

I hate the following people:

1. Old people
2. Kids
3. Lazy fucking parents who allow their kids to constantly kick the back of my seat while they just turn up the volume on their complimentary earphones

You know I am so going to Hell for this, but let me explain.

So I finally got here.

I left 24 hrs ago.

I just got into my mom's house literally 5 mins ago.

From the top:

YESTERDAY
9:00 am
Left for Watertown where I was flying out

11:00 am
Got to Watertown where there was a huge fucking snowstorm that I almost died in when two transport trucks nearly hit my veichle as it spun out of control on the highway after hitting black ice.

11:15am
Find out flight has been cancelled, have to drive back to Ogdensburg and hop on the flight there. Have exactly 1.5 hrs to get there

2:50 pm
Roll up into Ogdensburg, the nice people there actually held the plane so that my brother and I could make the flight. Once again, almost died in a ditch on the way there.

4:50 pm
Pittsburg: Miss connecting flight.

Fight with Mom

Fight with Brother

Fight with US Airways about getting us onto another flight.

6:00 pm
Finally get onto a flight with a new airline, Northwest.

8:00 pm
Detroit: Sat on the ground for 35 mins.

Connection time to West Palm: 8:25pm

8:45 pm
Still Detroit.

Missed connecting flight

Nobody has been useful the entire time, ignoring us, telling us 5 different directions for 10 different places we needed to go.

10:00 pm
Now talking with some lady who is going to rebook us.

For tomorrow

At 1 in the afternoon.

Keep in mind: We are in Detroit

We have no idea where we are, we have no idea where our luggage is, we have no idea what the fuck we are supposed to do and I am sure as all Hell that I am NOT spending the night in that fucking terminal.

Curse out lady at desk because she's an uptight bitch and I want to stab here in the eyes with her "Hi my Name is Donna: How Can I Help You?" tag.

Curse out "Donna"s manager.

Threaten me

Tell them that its their stupid fucking plane that sat on the ground not letting anyone else on or off until 35 mins after we had landed, causing us to miss our fucking connection.

Nearly exploding I am so pissed.

Both of them are treating me like I am some kind of an infant, not a 22 year old student trying to get out to see their mom and every single person I have talked to has been fucking useless.

Basically tell them they can hook me up with a sweet ass hotel tonight or else they're going to have a psychotic 22 year old student looking to see their mom on their hands. I will get down on this ground right now and throw a temper tantrum and pretend to be handicapped screaming that you're being mean to me so that all of these nice folks behind you can witness you verbally abusing a slow girl.

Give me voucher for Westin

11:00 pm
Arrive at Hotel

12:00 am
Drunk as all fuck attempting to sneak into the hotel hottub.

TODAY
7:00 am
Wake up, get to airport by the shuttle bus

8:00 am
Get to airport

9:15 am
The stand by worked: We get into the early flight when two passengers fail to show up.

Now, this is where the hate for the elderly and little bastard children come in

The entire flight I have this fucking kid screaming, crying, pounding the back of my seat while his parents ignore him. He's annoying as all fucked, I turn to the parents and they shrug, put their headphones back on and ignore him.

I want to beat their asses and call CAS* on them for being that fucking retarded.

12:15 pm
Finally land

NOW, I have been flying for nearly 24 hrs now, getting dicked around from airport to fucking airport. Im tired, Im hungry, I smell like a monkey's ass and I am wearing the same fucking underwear that I had on yesterday so I feel disgusting.

Sure enough, I have to now stand around, WAITING for an additional 25 mins to get off the plane because the elderly are moving too goddamn slow, they have the most carry on luggage bullshit than everyone in the terminal COMBINED so they are struggling to get it out of the overhead compartment. These are the same people that took forever getting on the plane and fighting with the flight attendants to have their oversized luggage put in the storage compartments. They didn't want to have it checked and delivered to them at the end of the flight, they wanted to make sure that their sewing needles and gaudy costume jewelery was right above them so that nobody else had room for their shit.

By the time we got off, I was pretty much defeated, deflated and just ready to crash.

I still have no idea where the hell my luggage is, but we are working on that.

Aaand I'm OFF!

I'm leaving now, but I will try to keep you all updated as much as possible.

Have a safe and happy holiday.

Oh, and is there anything more embarassing than getting on your knees and doing air guitar to ACDC at your staff Christmas party?

One more reason for why living in Ottawa can be a constant pain in the ass

Christmas is my favorite time of the year

Minus the slow walking, over crowded, people using their debit cards for 2 dollar purchases mall crap.

I love the chi egg nog lattes, shopping with friends, picking out the ultimate presents for friends and family, the Christmas parties, the Santa hats, people actually giving a shit about other people, picking out the tree, decorating the house while drinking hot apple cider, Bailey's and coffee Christmas morning.....and being constantly bombarded with election propaganda and public announcements every 5 minutes???

Not so fucking much.

Instead of seeing Christmas lights lighting up all the streets there's Party signs all over the place.

Instead of Wreaths people are hanging up "Vote NDP!"

Like what the fuck???

If the Grinch stole Christmas *coughHarpercough* then he did so on a one horse open sleigh straight to Parliment. Little Suzy Who wants to watch her Christmas specials instead has to flick through 50 channels of electorial debates and old Politicians bouncing babies on their knees promising to put a band aid on all of our problems.

Politics and Christmas do NOT go together.

In Ottawa it's certainly worse since we are the Parliment town. All weekend on bar I was serving Pub Crawls full of Politicians, Liberal Parties, NDP's, Green Parties all arguing over what so and so said and how Harper eats babies for breakfast. I'm so fucking sick of listening to it! What happened to the happy conversations about so and so having a Christmas party, how you got little Jimmy that brand new firetruck that he wanted?

No, instead I have to listen to these backwoods yokels blabbing on and on about how if the Conservatives are elected into office they are going to pass laws making abortions illegal.

Thats exactly what I want to hear at Christmas.

The abortion debate.

Fucking priceless.


So thanks you big cats in Office, you can faa laa laa laa laaick my ass for making this a shitty fucking Christmas. Thanks for ruining the mood.

2 days and counting

Then beaches, sun, sand, pina coladas and hot men in bathing suits.

For an entire 2 weeks.

I can't wait.

My mom called me the other day to tell me exactly what we are doing.

For the first few days, we'll just chill in my mom's backyard beach complete with bar, pool and mini Playboy Grotto.

On the 22nd we're having Christmas since we leave the next day for Orlanda. Exchange presents, order in Chinese food and watch all the cheesy Christmas specials.

Hot chocolate and Bailey's will be a must.

23rd we leave for Orlanda. Stay 2 nights in the awesome Hard Rock Hotel with the swim up bar, water slide, massive suites, over 50 bars and nightclubs, hot tubs galore and lets not forget, the ever so fun Univerisal Studios.

New Years Eve will be spent partying at some big ass outdoor bar where one of her friends is playing. Open bar all night, nothing shuts down until 5 am that night.

My god, the fun I'll have.

Then sadly I will have to come back here and freeze to death.

But until then....have fun, I'll keep you updated from my toasty backyard Paradise!

Here's just a few pictures of the hotel...

http://www.hardrock.com/locations/hotels2/orlando/accomodation.asp?menuid=4

Spending Christmas in the poor house

I just finished my Christmas shopping for my family and then some.

I won't even tell you how much I spent but I probably could have lived off of it for 4 months, rent included.

I can't help it, Christmas I get all giddy and when I see things I think someone would like I buy it. My step sister alone got a shit load of stuff from LuLuLemon (she's a rower) and I dropped over $100 just on the crap they have in the bins at the front.

See, thats where they get you. All the merchandise they have set up in the front of the cash registers. Thats where you spend most of your money because it's all so cute and it would go great with whatever.

Curse you Christmas, I'm going to get drunk on rum and egg nog since I just wrote my last exam for the semester. A year and a half to go before this girl's done her Criminology Honors. Score.

And don't forget to support your local homeless, humane shelters, and food and toy drives. There are animals and people out there less fortunate than you and I, they too deserve a warm Christmas.

Happy Holidays folks.

As Promised....

Here are a few pictures from the Sex Show I modeled for. I apologize for the poor quality and the fact that I was exhautsed and/or hung over for basically every one of them. I never claimed to be photogenic.

ME AND THE GIRLS (I'm quite aware of the fact that I look retarded)


ME AND MY STUPID FACE SOMEHOW GOT CUT OFF I DON'T KNOW...


ME


"THE LADIES" GUESS SO? (One of my bosses was obsessed with my chest so any picture he took basically turned out like this)


THE "BIG" GUY HIMSELF

Is there a doctor in the house?

Because I'm going to need a new asshole after the raping that exam gave me.

So I haven't slept yet, I've been in this herbal tea induced euphoria where I don't know if I am up or down for the past 12 hours. Mix that with about 20 different over the counter medicines and whatever unlabeled bottles I found in my medicine cabinet and you've got quite the Ashley Cocktail.

I get to the exam, and the first hour consists of me staring blankly at the clock stuffing kleenex up my nose to stop the running and just trying to keep my head up.

The second hour goes by and I've just managed to pull some A-B-C-All of the above-out of my ass for the multiple choice. I don't even remember reading the questions, I think I just took some quantitative "I havent used C that much yet" approach.

Short answer questions:
1) What new research instruments have been effective in reducing levels of sexual assault within the past few years?

Answer: Where the hell was I for this lecture?

2) Name 3 intermmediate targets of change in risk assessment.
a) Sushi
b) I hate this class
c) The prof looks like Col. Saunders.

3) Name 2 instruments that are not intermmediate targets.

a) This class
b) Everything the prof has said since the beginning of this year.

4) Why are you going to fail this exam?

Answer: It all started the day that I thought I'd make a good forensic psychologist. I had a way with dealing with assholes and what better power trip than to throw them in some coo-coo house and toss away the key. Then I ended up getting sick and realizing that this class was nothing more than a shameless promotion invented by my professor to sell his books and boost his credentials as being one of the leading criminologists in Canada. After that I basically lost interest in the course and took up staring at that little jiggly bit of flab underneath his neck for the duration of the 3 hours of class.

The last hour consisted of me frantically trying to answer the "essay" question which was really a mini dissertaton:

ESSAY:
What are the objectives of the Psychology of Criminal Conduct and how has the Psychology of CC achieved its objects with reference to general human psychology and sociological criminology.

Blah blah blah monkeys eat bananas with their feet blah blah blah I wonder if I locked my apartment door I think I forgot to, I get distracted when I am fumbling with my iPod on my way out and sometimes I forget to lock it not that there is anything worth stealing but I'd be mighty pissed if someone took away my fishy shower curtain, that shits cool blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Don Andrews is a goddamn bastard who's on sabatical this year so he doesn't give a sweet fuck who passes and who fails blah blah and thats how PCC reached its objectives: By hiring some narcassitic fat ass to teach the course.

The end.

Nap time then study for my last exam tomorrow.

Then REAL Christmas can begin.

Oh, have fun you crazy bastards freezing your little Canadian buns off while I'm loving life in Florida for 2 weeks.

Gah: Not for the queasy

I'm dying from this goddamn cold I've got and I have to write an exam in like 12 hours. I seriously just want to fall into the fetal position and sleep until I go to Florida.

I've got that one nostril wants to be all stuffed up while the other one wants to run all day thing going on and it's not pretty.

My throats all closed up so I can barely speak and I've felt sick to my stomach all damn day.

I've been trying to read my Criminal Behaviour text book to prepare myself for tomorrow's exam but the words keep merging and I keep feeling like I'm going to pass out

Neo Citron makes me gag
NyQuil/DayQuil both make me groggy
Buckley's doesn't even get past my tastebuds without immediately being wrecthed.
And I think I've drank an entire bottle of Pepto Bismol today.

I'm not the praying kind but please Superman, if you can just allow me to pass my exam tomorrow I'll do my best to rid the world of Kyrptonite.

**I was going to put this in my comments section, but it got too damn long so I'm putting it here.

and then you get older and there is no time or energy for stupid heady no-feet-on-the-ground kinda guys...they get old and pathetic real quick and end up with no future ambitions when the so-called nerds take the world by storm...and trust me...I'm one of your so-called badboys...how do I know? stuck it in many and walked away without ever looking back...now that I am so much older and wiser I look at the pathetic chicks that go for those types with a smile and think...will they figure it out or won't they?not that I think you are pathetic ash...in fact quite the contrary......what I do know is the ones that keep you guessing too much lack something...fear of commitment? Self-esteem (hense the persona)? just some thoughts....oh and jealousy...big turn off...

Consider this: I work full time. Which means about 5 nights a week. Usually from 5 pm - 3 am.

I go to school full time.
I have 6 classes this semester, at 3 hours a class that's 18 hrs a week just sitting on my ass taking notes than another 20-30 hrs of studying/schoolwork.

Now, you tell me what guy wants to seriously settle down with a girl that doesn't even have time to breath let alone drop all her school work, take 4 days off work and go to the movies.

Unfortunately I'm not about to pause my life and my goals for a man. Don't get me wrong, if I could find a man who'd be willing to seriously date me and accept only a few hours a week of my time I totally would - but find me that man....

As far as the "bad boy" thing goes, that seems to be the only type that I can attract. Not to sound egotistical but for the most part, the shy quiet type who returns phone calls, wants me to meet his parents and who won't even look at another girl is seriously intimidated by me. Its true, when I told that guy at work that I had a serious crush on me he couldn't believe it. He never thought he would be my type and he'd ever have a chance. Not that it matters, he has a girlfriend anyways.

I give off the "bad girl I have a tongue ring and tattoos so I must just want the motorcycle man" vibe, theres not a hell of a lot I can do about it. I'm not about to wear sweater vests and replace my Heavy Metal collection with The Tragically Hip just to attract a different sort of guy. THAT would make me pathetic. The Trekkies in general are scared to even come near me so yah, I get the bad boy who doesn't care if he's rejected or not. Even when I TRY to date someone a little calmer, a little more reserved a little less "bad" they never believe me when I say I'm interested anyways.

So please don't assume you know all the circumstances that surrond my life and my dating preference based on that post. There's a lot about my life that you people know nothing about and it saddens me that you think I'm just some crazed bad boy whore or what have you. I'd take a serious, meaningful relationship with a great guy who respects me over a one time fling with some bad ass who wants to market our video tape anyday.

Bad Boy-ology 101

I'll be your Professor this semester.

Seriously, if this was a real University class I could teach it. I wouldn't need a teachers handbook or research notes, I've only ever dated and/or slept with the "bad boy"

I know their moves
I know their style
I know that eventually they're going to break my heart but until then, what a fucking ride

See, the thing about the bad boy is that you THINK you may want them, but you don't.


You really REALLY want them.

And thats how they get you.

WHO IS HE?
1 - Peircings and tattoos - self mutilation is always a sure fire sign that this boy will tie you to the bed post alongside your best friend.

2- He's in a band. Something about a man who can play guitar/drums/whatever is so goddamn sexy we can't look away. Just look at me - I have this unhealthy obsession with the Motley Boys even though I've never actually met any of them.

To girls men+guitar=sexy. It doesn't matter if it sounds like shit, its fucking hot and we lap it up like a cat in a milk factory.

3 - The older man. Oh yes, the older man is more than likely going to view your young ass as naive and fun to mess around with. The less he calls, the more you love it.

4 - He has a skateboard and he's not afraid to use it. Chicks dig skaters. I myself dated one on and off for nearly 6 years. He's still the sexiest man I have ever dated and I still would jump to the chance if he ever called. We're stupid like that.

WHY DO WE LOVE THEM?
1 - They won't return our phone calls.

You have a great night

1 day goes by, nothing

2 days go by, nothing

A week goes by, still nothing

2 weeks later as you're tearing up his picture and cursing his name, the phone rings and you'll answer it on the second ring while digging out your "toys".

2 - They'll never give you their cell phone numbers. They don't want you to know where they are at all hours. Hell, they may not even give you their house numbers either. The bad boy is an elusive creature. He pops in and out of existence and makes his presence known when he feels like it, not when you want him to.

3 - You know he's going to be great in bed. He's a fucking expert. He'll do things to you you've only read about in some Marquis de Sade novel, and you're going to love it.

4 - Chicks would get on their knees and go at it like its the fucking antidote. Seriously, when I was dating my ex anytime he went to the bathroom, or to the bar for a drink - whatever - chicks would literally be hanging off of him. I was so insanely jealous but it only made me want to leave the bar and ravish his skateboarding tattooed body. Apparently jealousy is a turn on.

5 - You know nothing about him. He won't tell you anything about his personal life, hell you don't even know if he HAS parents or if he was just asexually created by some spore in the air. He likes to keep his life a mystery and you better believe it's going to drive you fucking nuts trying to figure him out.

6 - No matter how pissed off you are at them and swear you're never going to see them again, when they give you a call you're going to remember that time in the pool at your family reunion, the time in elevator at your apartment, the time in the shower with your mom in the next room......all forms of reason fly out the window and he'd better be there in 5.

7 - He still has that movie you and him made and maybe one day you'd like it back....

THE CURE?
There is no cure.

You're fucked

But it'll be the greatest sex of your life.

HOW DO I MEET HIM?
You don't.

He meets you and you can't resist.

You see those tattoo sleeves, you see that lean, chiseled skateboarding body, you see the chicks swarming him like flies on honey, you see that guitar of his sitting in the corner - You're hooked.

Any qustions class?

all right not gona lie im quite hamred

perks of working in a bar, i get fucking drink when i want and i get paid to not be ale to do my cash out

there was like 3 pub crawls so i sold a shit load of booze and hty wanted to all buy me shootrs so now im pretty much trashed and i knpw im going to read this post and hate life tomorrow

i promise a post of more substance once I sober up and dont have to go to work in like 20 mins

I HATE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some fucker took my clothes OUT of the dryer in my apartment's laundry room and left them on top of it...

STILL SOAKING WET AND I KNOW I STILL HAD ABOUT 25 MINS LEFT ON THE DRYER!!!

I fucking HATE stupid fucking inconsiderate fucktards.

I HATE HATE HATE them

I swear to God I will beat the living snot out of that person if I ever find out who it is.

Ps. Hope you enjoy soaking wet bed sheets asshole because I promptly took your shit out and put mine back in.

My life could kick your life's ass

Actually probably not, but a girl can dream.

As I was in the elevator this morning on my way to work some random chick started talking to me.

At least I assumed she was talking because her mouth was moving but the whinny voice of Axel Rose was blaring into my eardrums so I heard nothing.

The fact that she kept talking to me even though I was clearly wearing headphones and was unable to hear a goddamn word she was saying made me want to smash her face inbetween the elevator doors (I'm totally not a morning person)

I'll never understand why the hell people insist on trying to start up conversations with people who quite obviously can't hear them and probably wouldn't want to talk to them even if they could.

I'm not your friend
I have no idea who you are
I don't give a shit how cold it is outside I can feel it for myself I don't need your expert opinion
Especially when its 9 in the morning and I've slept an entire 5 hours in the past 3 days

So stuff it sister.

At work I was met with more crap from my boss who is a fucking mongoloid. The man once asked me what was in a gin and tonic. I was tempted to tell him it was a mixture of Ex-Lax and Coffee just to see if his stupid ass would actually mix the two and spend the day on the can and out of my hair.

Here's a few highlights:

"So yah, do we give free refills on coffee or is that only at breakfast?"
-Its coffee you goddamn Jehovah (which he is, so I can say that) I'll toss you the quarter it cost to pour a customer an extra cup.

"What side comes with fish and chips? Mashed potatos or salad?"
-Yah, need I say anymore?

"How do I turn the Sattelite radio on?"
-Press 'Power'.

"It's still not working"
-Thats because you're holding the plug.

"I had a reservation of 25 call in, do you think I could fit them in the backroom that seats 10?"
- For a man who takes care of all the company finances I'm rather worried about the fact that basic math is lost on him

I also had several retarded phone calls from customers who:

1. Have to tell me their entire life story beforing managing to get out, "So do you think you'll have room for a table of 5 tonight?" Because apparently I give a shit how your wife took your other phone, your coworker might show up later if he can finish the project your working on and if your dog's surgery in 10 weeks doesn't affect your mood that evening.

2. "Good afternooon s & j AND F & F Pub Ashley speaking, how can I help you?"

"Uh Yah...is this the F & F?"

"Ha nah, I'm just fucking with you. Its actually the "Adult Super Fun Sex Store where right now we're holding a 2-4-1 special on vibrating anal beads. Interested?"

3. "Hey do you do take out? You do? Would you deliver a small basket of fries?"
No, but I bet McDonald's might you idiot.

4. My managers wife calls him at least 10 times a day, not even exagerrating. "Can I speak to Frank Jr. please?" Sometimes I feel like screaming back at her,

NO YOU CAN NOT SPEAK TO FRANK JR. BECAUSE THIS IS A FUCKING PLACE OF BUSINESS NOT YOUR GODDAMN HOME AWAY FROM HOME. PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY WORKING HERE AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO PAGE YOUR HUSBAND 18 TIMES A FUCKING DAY JUST TO LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU PICKED UP THE DRY CLEANING AND TO NOT FORGET TO PICK UP LITTLE SUZIE FROM GYMNASTICS. MY JOB DESCRIPTION SAYS NOTHING ABOUT BEING A SECRETARY. STOP BEING A CHEAP IDIOT AND CALL HIS CELL PHONE!

Man, that would be sweet.

On the way home from work today some drunk tried to stumble around on the bus and caused a huge scene swearing and cursing at everyone. I sunk into my seat so he wouldn't notice me and start drunkingly raving about commies and the fucking government conspiracy to control our minds

"I GOT FIRED FROM MY GOVERNMENT JOB!"

Well, no shit?

The cops had to be called to physically remove him. It was actually the highlight of my evening.

And I'm sure that lesson will come in handy when I'm that drunk in 50 years.

Dear Ashley,

You look like Mariah Carey in your last picture
-Dan

-------------------

Dear Dan,

Thanks,
please put a bullet in my head now

-Ashley

Let it SNOW, bitch!

...I'm ready for it


And if you gotta problem with it you can kiss, 'My hump, my hump my lovely lady I hate this fucking song lump'



'Cause thats how I roll

Ashley's Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I have not been a good girl this year. I'm just betting that you were far too busy to check the list twice so hopefully I'm still on the "Nice" list otherwise I'm screwed. Which is probably the reason for me being on the "Naughty" list in the first place.

But admit it, you loved the Sex Show and all the boots. You're a man first and Santa second. Unless of course you're eunich, but then why the fuck would Mrs.Clause stay with your testicle-lacking ass, right?

Anyways, if you could bring me the following it would be greatly appreciated. I'll even wear that cute little white teddy with the lace trim you like on Christmas Eve

XOXO
Ashley

Ps. I've left you a bottle of single malt Oban scotch and some beer nuts. Please help yourself.

ASHLEY'S CHRISTMAS LIST

1. An invisible tripping device that I can use on all the slow walking people that take up the entire sidewalk and on those people who stop at the top of the stairs or escalator contemplating whether to go left - right - or cut their own wrists that night.

2. Specially made dog collars that I can place around annoying Politicans so when they say something as fucking ridiculous as, "God told me to steal...I mean 'borrow' their oil" or "Homosexuals are all the devil in disguise let's burn them at the stake!" I can hit a button and a highly pitched tone will cause them to fall to the ground in agony. Of course, the rest of the sensible world won't be able to hear the tone, that's why we're not Politicians.

3. I'm probably also going to need B and E tools to get into their homes and put on the devices I guess, eh?

4. A tornado that picks up only those idiots who invented "American Idol" "The Bacherlor" and other ridiculous reality TV shows that turn our minds to mush. Gooey, gooey mush. You can spare the creators of "Extreme Home Makeover" , "ANTM" and "The Surreal Life" since I've sinfully become addicted to those shows.

5. Grissom. He's intelligent, hot and fictional.

6. Please kidnapp John Mayer and all the members of Good Charlotte and throw them into a volcano so they can never ever make another album again. Either that or throw 'em over the canyon in some tour bus. Whatever workes best for you.

7. A palmino pony named "Princess"

8. A personal tour of the "Playboy Mansion" complimented by a swim in the grotto. No hanky panky or funny stuff, just good ol' fashioned fun.

9. A radio station that doesn't consistenly play those goddamn Black Eyed Pea's and Gwen Stefani songs 15 fucking times in one hour. ESPECIALLY BEP's "My Humps" How in the HELL do they market this shit? Does a 4 year old write for this band or is it just Fergie being herself?

10. A couple tubs of that cheesy popcorn they had on Oprah. That shit looked good.

11. A less whinny Jennifer Aniston. "Boo Hoo. That AID's Awareness and Good Samaritan Jolie who adopted children from Third World Countries and takes part in Good Will Missions stole my husband! I need a pedicure, a make over, a manicure and a group of pre schoolers to tend my gardens and be used as footstools while I make out with another man wallowing in my own self pity".

12. A $35 cell phone plan that doesn't cost me $200 a month.

Thats all Santa, and if you got time, pick yourself up something nice too.

I'm so becoming the cat lady

Aside from discovering today that I absolutely LOVE the sound of the Cello, for the longest time I've had this school girl crush on a regular who comes into my bar

Finally today, I did something about it

Yah, full out rejected.

Well...not REALLY rejected, he has a girlfriend. But you know what I mean.

The weirdest thing is that he is the complete opposite of what I normally go for.

He's maybe 120 lbs soaking wet
He has big thick glasses
He is the quietest, shyest guy in the world

And he is seriously the biggest geek ever

But I have the biggest crush on him. I totally want to go on a date with him and see what he's like outside of the bar. I told the girls tonight that I think he's just the cutest thing in the world and I really want to date him.

Seriously, this is fucking weird for me. I'm totally into the bad boys with the peircings and tattoos and the "I'm just going to say I'll call but you and I both know I won't" attitude. Its a fact of life, chicks dig guys who treat them like shit sometimes.

Sigh, I'm going to go eat Oreo ice cream and sulk.

....or plot "Operation Breakup"

God, I'm evil.

I need help

I'm about to start my Christmas shopping and I have NO idea what to get my kid brother.

I had a gold ring made for my mom with both my brother's birthstone and my own with her's in the middle. She's going to freak out. She loves anything to do with family....and gold

I also got her the coolest thing in the entire world for her bar. She built a bar outside in her little "backyard beach" so I got her some custom made shooter glasses and a liqour dispenser. You set it up on your bar and put in a bottle of your favorite alcohol. Then you take your glass and put it underneath the dispenser, lift it up and it gives out an ounce of alcohol. It's pretty fucking sweet if you ask me.

My dad, who is nearly impossible to buy for got some really neat African bongos and a renewal to Guitar Player magazine. I also got him this really thick book on World Leaders Over the Centuries. He loves that shit.

BUT here is the problem, I have a 16 year old brother that I have NO clue with when it comes to shopping. He has no hobbies, he doesn't play sports, he has no interest in anything that I can think of other than the army. I'd buy him booze but I think my mom would kill me then steal it from him.

What do you get a typical 16 year old boy who has 0 interst in anything?

I know for a fact that my mom is already taking him to get his tattoo.
My dad bought him some army gear for his cadets training
My grandparents bought him more clothes than he's ever going to need

So what the hell? I have no idea what movies he watches or what music he listens to now since his tastes can sometimes range from David Bowie to Sex Pistols (we're a very diverse family).

I'm tempted to just buy him a lap dance and be over with it.

Suggestions?

god work was so fucking long tonight i thought i wa going to hurt myself or someone

but i had many shots which made it ok

they paid me to get drunk

and i think i told some guy who was staring at my tits that they day i grew a dick awas the day hed get to meet them

awesome

bed time.

Shoot me and end my misery

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
And she gave me the freckles and the paleness so really, screw you mom - thanks.

B$ - says:
well where did your breasts come from them?

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
Heaven? Jesus? Satan? Dunno

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
I probably sold my soul when I was a kid for them...since then I'd probably have to die about 30 times over just to pay the devil what I owe him

B$ - says:
for some reason that is super hot to think about ha ha ha

B$ - says:
im retarded...

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
he obviously hasn't been keeping track

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
either that or Im being re-incarnated many times

B$ - says:
you know whats similarly strange... my mother is 5 foot 1 and my dad is 5 foot 7... and both my brother and i are a mean 6 bills

B$ - says:
figure that one out

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
Mailman?

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
Milkman?

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
.......sunday school teacher?

B$ - says:
hey whatever and however... im thankful

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
yah...

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
im 5'3

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
awesome

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
I can barely see over my bar if Im not wearing heels

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
I wouldnt mind being a few inches taller, maybe like 5'5 or so

B$ - says:
5'3 works for you... so no worries

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
except for at work

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
Which Im not really looking forward to

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
sometimes I really just dont feel like getting home at 3 in the morning

B$ - says:
thats understandable... personally i'd love it tho... i never sleep

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
I dont either, but I wouldnt mind coming home at a decent time, watching some CSI, watching a movie, just relaxing

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
not soak feet in hot water - sleep - do school - wash - rinse - repeat - work - 3 am....

B$ -says:
wait a minute... those are shampoo instructions... ha ha ha

B$ - says:
im kinda like drunk/awake at this point... everything is just hillarious to me right now

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
my goodness, no kidding

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
or perhaps Im just wildly amusing

B$ - says:
probably a little of both...

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
nah its gotta be the lather

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
*latter

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
holy crap stab me now

B$ - says:
alright that first message made me just lose it over herre

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
sorry, im retarded sleep or no sleep

B$ - says:
ha ha ha dont apologize

B$ - says:
I love it!

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
speaking of which I probably should head off to bed, I have a big day of doing nothing tomorrow

B$ - says:
for sure... have a good night!

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
Night

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
oh christ as if you're using me as your MSN quote!

B$ - says:
i was wondering when you'd pick that up...

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
fine, Im posting this entire conversation on my blog!

B$ - says:
go for it... i got nothing to hide... i love exposure

xLikesxItxDirtyx ---- I seriously think people get off on hating me says:
I didnt think you'd have a problem with that, night

Those silly Politicians and their Slippery Slopes

I think we need to buy all members of Parliment their own personal 'Slip and Slide' kit just so they can get it out of their systems.

Seriously, half the time I read about them arguing what COULD happen if they passed a law, or made something legal rather that what WOULD happen.

STEVEN HARPER'S SAME SEX AGENDA
As we all know, the Harp-Man is totally against same sex marriage.

But is he more against it because of the social implications or that humanity relies on men and women getting married and procreating?

Nope.

He's worried that if we allow men to marry men and women to marry women we're all going to be adulterous sinners and engage in Polygamy..... well what the fuck? I've watched my parents fight before and what person in their right mind wants another 5 people to argue with over the phone and hydro bills?

Polygamy is a personal choice made by a certain group of people. I fail to see the problem with polygamy in the first place. As long as they're not harming anyone else, whats the problem? So they want 12 husbands to mow the lawn and 30 wives to balance the checkbooks, who gives a shit?

As Trudeau once said, "The State has no buisness in the public's bedroom!"

There are more gay men and women than there are polygamists in the world so how the hell does he expect us all to just start fucking 10 husbands because gay men want to get married? Does anyone else fail to see the logic in this? What a slope!

Thats like saying if we allow prostitution to be legalized everyone is going to rob banks for money for the brothels and then sell more drugs for the money and condom companies are going to rule the world. Jesus Christ Harper, get a fucking clue.

IF WE DON'T EUTHANIZE ALL OF ONTARIO'S PIT BULL BABIES THERE WILL BE MORE VICIOUS ATTACKS!

By who? The OWNERS? Because it's the OWNER's responsibility to teach the dog not to bite others, it is the OWNER's responsibility to tell them "No!" when they nip as puppies, it is the OWNER's responsibility in general to make sure that animal doesn't become a vicious beast.

Killing innocent puppies is NOT a solution! How the fuck could anyone possible believe that killing animals who haven't even breathed yet are responsible for vicious attacks all over Ontario. If anything they should make it harder for people to buy dogs instead of just assuming we'd getting rid of the problem by eliminating them.

Does that mean that pitbulls are the only ones who attack?
>>> Actually, there are more reported labrador attacks in a year than there are pitbulls. Rotweillers and dobermans are also prone to attack. This would imply that it's the owners own lack of responsibility and training than a genetic defect in pitbulls that make them more pre-disposed to violence.

Pitbulls only attack in Ontario and no other province?
>>>No, there have been cases reported in every province, in the UK even they have put a breed ban in effect and it was useless. It was quickly abandoned and labeled "A Bad Choice"

Why are there so many attacks then in Ontario?
>>> Because there are not enough holding facilities to keep strays off the streets. Most reported attacks are from stray dogs that are just left to roam the streets due to a lack of SPCA's and other holding facilities. How do you expect a stray to learn not to attack when that is it's only mode of defence? Christ people.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people.
>>> Pit bulls don't kill people, bad owners kill people.

POT IS RESPONSIBLE FOR PEOPLE KILLING OTHER PEOPLE AND IT WILL MAKE EVERYONE DO HEROIN!

Once again - idiots.

I've never smoked pot in my life, but many of my friends do. They don't take pot because they want to go out and shoot up the street, they smoke pot because they have a final tomorrow or a big essay due and they are stressed out. If anything, it completely de-motivates them to do anything but sleep or watch "Half-Baked"

Actually, there are more documented cases of individuals who were DRUNK and killed than there are of those who were high on THC and killed. Should we re-enstate prohibition while we're at it?

And I am so sick and goddamn tired of hearing that pot is the gateway drug to heroin and cocaine. Are you fucking kidding me? For one, heroin and cocaine = FAR MORE EXPENSIVE than pot. Isn't pot like what? $20 a couple joints and coke is $1,000 for a few lines?

"Gee, this pot just isn't doing it for me - I'll just run to the ATM and take out 10 grand for some coke. That'll give me a better high!"

Those people with too much money and live in that sort of social scene are more likely to start using cocaine and heroin because all of their friends/coworkers whatever do it. Not because they smoked a joint and said, "Fuck this let's try heroin!"

Heroin and cocaine do have a higher potency than THC but they also effect different parts of the Central Nervous System.

Heroin and cocaine make people numb to pain and make them more impulsive. THC just makes people numb to everything and completely unmotivated. Poly Drug users are more likely to take a drug that mimics the euphoric effects of their drug of choice. If you run out of weed you're not going to say, "Fuck - I just smoked my last joint. Better call my dealer and get some cocaine before I lose my high!"

While it's true that heroin/cocaine users are more likely to smoke pot they do so simply to relax. Their drugs get them completely bugged out at times and the stress on their minds and bodies can often get to them. By smoking pot they can calm down.

So it appears that cocaine and heroin can be gateway drugs to pot - not vice versa.

Christ, I can think of SO many more, but this essay calls and I've gotta get it done