'Cause I ain't no Holla Back girl

I've been a busy, BUSY girl. Between celebrating my birthday for an entire week straight and punching guys at pizza parlours in the face I haven't had much time to update my blog.

Last Sunday I went out for my birthday and from about 8 pm on was a blur. I love going out and bumping into my sober friends so they can tell me what antics they put up with the night before. I wore a white tank top that I insisted every person in the bar should sign. Its actually quite the memorable peice of clothing, I had people writing "Call me" to "I like sausage on my pizza".

As soon as I got to Barrymore's which is a huge 80's bar on Sunday night I harassed the DJ to play "GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS" by Motley Crue since I will one day have Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee's babies, they just don't know this yet. And if I could just get past security they would. I danced the night away falling on my ass a few times because of the cowboy boots I had on. Everyone was commenting on my shirt since I wrote, "SAVE A HORSE" on the front and, "RIDE THE BIRTHDAY GIRL'05" on the back.

The night continued on, I had to beat off desperate men with a fucking stick since they think a shirt like that qualifies as an open invitation. Apparently humor is completely lost on them. After seeing several friends of mine that I have no recollection of seeing after about the 10th jager bomb it was time to call it a night. I ditched my friends to head over to the pizza parlour next to the bar.

All I wanted was my slice of Hawaiin pizza and my bed. Some other asshole in there had a better idea. I got my pizza and he ran over and started hugging me and trying to kiss me, "HEY BIRTHDAY GIRL I'M AN OBNOXIOUS BASTARD WHO COULDN'T GET IT IF I FUCKING PAID FOR IT SO IM GOING TO SEXUALLY HARASS AN OBVIOUSLY INTOXICATED CHICK TO GET MY DICK UP!!! KISS ME 5'3 GIRL CAUSE IM 5 TIMES YOUR SIZE AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!" Now, picture this guy all over you and while youre screaming, "Get the FUCK off me!" 5 other big guys in the pizza place just watch the spectacle.

So I did what any other person would do. I swung my fist and it connected with his face. It must have really hurt since my hand was the one I wore my birthstone ring on. I'm pretty sure I cut him but I don't really know what happened to him after that since I immediately jumped into a cab and told him to drive.

Seriously though, what in the fuck??? A 5'3 chick is obviously being molested by some fucking redneck who preys on drunk chicks and nobody does a fucking thing about it???!!! Thats FUCKED! What happened to the good samaratains of today? Nobody wants to get fucking involved with anyone elses business it seems. We'd much rather turn the other way while someone was getting attacked or pull up a seat with a 2-4 to watch the show.

It's fucking sad really, just sad.

101 Ways to say, "I Love You"

I just got back from work and noticed some belligerent fool has decided to spam me with their worthless crap. Normally I'd just ignore it and carry on with my day but I have a few minutes to kill before the girls get here and the party commences.

You can find Mr. Anonymous' comments under my Sex-Show post.

"I'm sure you'll fit in with the rest of the brainless sluts" Anonymous Homepage 08.21.05 - 6:11 pm #
Sorry, I've been kicked out of the slut-club due to my lack of sex. Apparently I misread the handbook because in order to be a slut you have to fuck any random that passes your way. There's just no room for my extreme pickiness and because of work I don't have the time to dedicate towards keeping my legs open.


"Get used to "turn that way now cum on cue" you'll be hearing it a lot." Anonymous Homepage 08.21.05 - 6:13 pm #
I'm going to assume that this garble means you think I'm going to become a porn star. I'll take that as a compliment because I have yet to see an ugly porn star. Unfortunately I can't cum on cue so I probably wouldn't get much work, but thanks for caring.

"I feel sorry for you actually since your only asset is your fucking tits and ability to give head." So-You-Dont-Like-Anonymous Homepage 08.21.05 - 6:14 pm #
Actually, my biggest asset would most likely be my brain since it's what got me a full scholarship to University - not my tits. I almost considered attaching a naked picture of my to my application but they said my 90% average was suffecient enough. I'd be more than happy to post a picture of my brain but MRI scans don't come cheap so you'll just have to settle for second best- the breasts. As far as my ability to give head - well, I haven't gotten any complaints.

"Nice pictures too slut, if you want people to take you seriously put on some fucking clothes"
Who the hell said I wanted to be taken seriously? I post on my blog whenever the fuck I feel like and whatever the fuck I feel like because I feel like it. If I wanted to be taken seriously I probably wouldn't post the word "fuck" nearly every other word and I'd throw in some Hemingway references. I don't even take myself seriously on my blog for Christ sakes, I certainly wouldn't expect anyone else to. As far as putting on some clothes, what the hell for? My tits offend you? Then don't look you fucking eunic.

Anyone else feel like being an asshole today? I'm in a giving mood.

Random Photos (for those who'd rather look at pretty pictures than read)

*Note: There is a new blog posting below these pictures as well.

MY NEW LIVING ROOM


MY MOM'S DOG WITH A LITTLE 4TH OF JULY HAT


THE PIGEON BABY THAT LIVES ON MY BALCONY


SMELLY-ASS SANDALS


GERBIL BABY

I'm a model you know what I mean and I'ma shake my little tush on the catwalk

Every good story begins with a sex shop
And every good story ends with modeling lingerie and stripper outfits.

Two days ago I got off work early so I decided to get something for myself for my birthday. I went into a sex shop near my house that I've never been to before and began to browse. The woman behind the desk asked if I needed anything and I said I was just browsing.

"Are you a dancer?"

Was the second question out of her mouth.

By the way, I'm not.

I told her I wasn't and continued to have a conversation with here while browsing.

45 MINUTES LATER

I tried on practically every little costume in the place along with every pair of FMSP* in there. As I was getting ready to leave she asked me if I would be interested in going to Toronto to model off a line of stripper/erotic costumes and lingerie. I almost said no immediately until she told me that it would include the following:

* All expense paid trip to Toronto
* Accomodation, transportation, eating, partying, drinking all paid for
* I get to keep the 4 costumes I'll be modeling off including the 3 pairs of shoes
* A big basket of goodies worth over a grand after the show

And all I have to do is walk down a runway and stand by a booth looking sexy. There's no nudity involved and the least amost of clothing I'll be in will be a bra and panties, so basically a bathing suit.

So October 20th I'll be in Toronto for 3 days in stripper outfits and having a fucking blast. Mind you, I'd never put it on my resume but it'd be fun. I'm giving my extensions credit.

*FMSP = Fuck Me Stripper Pumps

As Promised....

I just came back from basking in the sun with a friend, hence the bathing suit....like you're all complaining. But I did promise you all a picture of my new long hair so I'm going to throw it up here and run. Yah it's my birthday but a girl still has to work.

Oh and for you pathetic losers who are already contemplating stealing my pictures and passing them off as your own on one of those, "I'm a middle age loser and can only find love on a match website" or "I need to pretend to be someone else and get more than a 2 star rating!" sites - Go fuck yourselves you pathetic fucks.

My apologies, something got fucked up with the other pic so I'm posting this one instead. It's of low quality but whatever, you get the jist of it.

I feel older than the dead angel on my shoulder claims to be

It's official, I am now 22 years old. August 18th you fucking bitch you've made me feel so damn old.

I was at work when the clock struck 12 and I left 21 behind me. It actually depresses me but hell, what can you do about it right? I got hammered on sooo many shots at work and a huge ass group of people sang, "Happy Birthday" to me.

Now....who's to deliver me birthday spankings?

I forgot to mention

I got hair extensions yesterday afternoon. I showed them off to my friends last night and they said its now official: I look like a porn star. That wasn't really the goal I was meaning to obtain, but hey - I have long hair again finally.

I'll post pictures when I buy a new digital camera cord

Every night, it feels so good and don't you know

I've been listening to Meatloaf since I woke up this morning at 9 am. Lately I feel like I have so much shit to do that I never get any fucking sleep in as I'm constantly thinking about what I have to do that day.

Today I....

1) Did laundry
2) Went tanning
3) Washed the dishes
4) Mopped my floors
5) Emptied all the garbages
6) Assembled an Ikea coffee table and bookcase
7) Brushed my teeth (twice) along with general grooming

So it's now only noon and I don't have anything else to do until 6 when I have to go into work. (Which by the way, still sucks donkey nuts)

My body's beginning to shut down from a lack of sleep. I usually don't go to bed until 3-4 am, I compromise sleep for CSI Las Vegas.

I was reading an article the other day in the Ottawa Citizen about sexual offenders and rehabilitation. This ignorant fuck wrote into the editor and it went something like this:

Blah blah blah I'm an un-educated fuck who thinks I'm smart because I watch A and E. We shouldn't babysit these offenders we should lock them away and throw away the key. They can't possibly be of any use to society why should we help them and forget the victims. Blah blah blah I talk out of my ass because I really don't know fuck all but I'll pretend to. Blah blah Mr. Bubba Redneck, Location: Under a fucking rock.

(Ok, so maybe it didn't go EXACTLY like that, but you get the idea)

Sadly enough thats the view that most people take.

While I agree that pedophiles and such can't be rehabilitated since children ARE their sexual preference, (it'd be like telling a gay man to stop being attracted to men) being thrown into jail isn't going to do shit all for them when they are eventually released. What Mr. Redneck fails to take into account is that these individuals go to jail for a few years after being caught and eventually they are let out. Back into society, back into their playground and without any therapy in prison they'll be the exact same fucking people. Like I said, just throwing a gay man intro prison for liking men isn't going to "set him straight" upon release.

Here's a little education kiddies:

1) One of the biggest misconceptions peole have is that we ignore the victims and baby the offenders.
There are several hundred programs out there for victims of sexual assault. They are not going to go psychotic and go on a shooting rampage and nobody is being insensitive towards them by making sure the offender is getting the help they need. Granted yes, there are victims of sexual assault that do eventually take their lives but its generally not from a single attack. These victims have usually being sexually assaulted over a period of time and it's usually from a family member - not a stranger.

As far as "babying the offender" goes - have you been to prison? Do you know Mr. Redneck and followers what the fuck actually goes on in there? Here's a little education for you:
1) Sodomization and rape
2) Beatings, stabbings, murders (by both inmates and gaurds)
3) Complete cut off from the outside world

I'm not saying that these people deserve anything less, Im a bit of a hardend bitch I will admit, but eventually these people are going to be let out and a daily beating and rape will only make them more fucking angry and won't help them to keep their hands out of little boys undershorts. Without programs in prison that help them control their urges and understand that what they are doing is sick and wrong they're going to keep going at it until they get a life sentence.

Most of these people don't even realize that they are hurting these children. They make themselves believe that the kids and even the adult victims of their crimes are ENJOYING the attack. Even INVITED it. Until someone comes along and tells them otherwise they're going to keep doing so and think that it's OK. Being locked in a box all day isn't going to do shit.

2) It's unfair that tax payers have to pay for the offender's therapy!
Why? They're being released into YOUR back yard. So unless you don't want to pay the small portion out of your taxes to keep these programs running they're going to keep re offending. Your money is also making sure that the victim's therapy is also taken care of, should we cut those programs off as well?

3) Whats the point, they're just going to re offend anyways!
Maybe, you can never really tell. But imagine how much higher the recidivism for sexual offences would be without these programs? It'd probably be close to 90% if they don't get killed in prison. You're never going to be able to predict an offenders behaviour once they are released (which is why I believe they should re enstate the death penalty for FIRST DEGREE murderers) but if you have a chance to potentially help them from re offending why not take it?

So Mr. Redneck and others, before you make ignorant statements and make a fucking idiot of yourself in a newspaper column why don't you read up on the facts before shooting off your fucking mouth. Thanks.

Unions and daily titty massages Pt. 2

When we last left our heroine she was kidnapped by the Girls Gone Wild Canadian Tour women. With Y's on the end of their names. Unaware of where they were taking her or even why the hell they chose her, she was still disappointed at the lack of sushi on board.

After I got to talking to the girls for a while I came to three conclusions:

1) This would definetly be an adventure
2) They had wonderful tits
3) Collectively their IQ's fell below "Special Olympics"

I went with the girls for approximately a month selling their t-shirts and promoting their merchandise. I was a wiz at selling. Thankfully I was born with the gift of gab and could sell ice to eskimos. I really got to know the girls and although my thoughts of them being idiots never got in the way of our friendship professionally and socially.

I really could get into more details of our pillow and maple syrup fights, but you'll have to wait for the biography. That shit doesn't come free you know.

While we were touring the praries we made a stop at a local gas station in Saskatchewan. It was rather windy that day but it didn't stop me from insisting on wearing my brand new "GGW GROUPY" tube top.

Then disaster struck.

A disaster that would change myself and the girls for the rest of the tour.

A disaster that 2 seconds after it happened turned into the second most downloaded blooper since William Hung auditioned for American Idol.

As I was leaving the disgusting excuse for a public gas station washroom a large gust of wind came blowing my way and the tube top was no more. I was left standing there in a shocking Janet Jackson moment naked from the top up.

The girls stared in disbelief.

I stared in disbelief.

The gas attendent stared for two seconds before snapping 5 photos which would eventually be used as evidence in my civil suit. The court date has been set for October, R.S.V.P.

Because of that day and the girls realization of my "natural talents" I started to headline the tour. I've made a guest appearance on Jay Leno which was eventually cut out of the new seasons premiers. Not because it was too hot for TV but because some asshole decided to streak across the stage. They tried to edit him out but they were unsuccesful. I'm to go back in January.

And thus, my disapperance over the past few months has been explained. The tour has since ended, but I still keep in contact with the girls:

Mandy has gone back to her native Swedish village where she married some chocolate baron. She now weighs close to 200 lbs and thus has been kicked out of the group.

Candy went back to her native pole dancing. She's making some pretty good scratch and intends on opening up her own strip club. She's calling it, "Candy's Candie". She told me I'm welcome whenever I want.

Sandy has taken up acting, soon she'll be staring in the new action flick, "The People Fuck Larry Flint" She'll be playing the secretary

Stacey has just graduated from Harvard university with 3 PhD's and a Degree in Law. Apparently she lied to us all about being a dumbass just so she could tour with us. She's due to defend Michael Jackson the next time he gets accused of diddling some kids.


Bo has just recently learned that you can re-arrange other words to form new words so she's been keeping busy.

And that concludes my story. Remember, you can pick up your copy of the GGW Canadian Tour to be released in stores everywhere October 29th.

How to Ignore Blogger for a month and end up with a t-shirt Pt.1

Many of you have been emailing me demanding an explanation for my whereabouts.

Well guess what you nosey bastards it isn't a democracy; it's my life and it's none of your goddamn business.


.....but if you insist......

I have been out partying a la Tara-esque (minus the wardrobe malfunctions) for the past month. Partly in an early birthday celebration (I will be turning 22 this Thurs. Shoot me in the fucking face now. My first present was a blender. Hopefully I'll aquire the matching bread maker when I turn 23)

You can usually find me out with a few close friends on one side of me and a bottle of Jager on the other.

No, I'm not depressed
No, I'm not a fucking alcoholic
No, I did not sleep with your boyfriend Cher, but he tried.

One night as my friends decided that 3 am was pretty much quitting time as far as drinking went I whipped a bottle of JD at the door as they left my apartment. Clearly, the party wasn't over in my world. Since that was my last bottle of liquor I decided to go for a walk otherwise I'd start drinking paint thinner and nail polish remover. I've got Liquor Control on speed dial.

As I was walking down the street I had a hankering for some Sushi. Unfortunately living in Ottawa the only real sushi I can get is a cocktail shrimp wrapped in semi-cooked rice. Regardless, it was the goal of the evening: Obtain the Sushi

Then night began to get complicated.

While strolling along downtown I heard the faint chattering sound of catty girls coming from around the corner. Hoping to see a Cherry Jello Wrestling match (though I would be willing to settle for KY Jelly, I'm not a hard woman to please) I was met with something far more greater than solidified geletin could ever bring a person.

There was a bus.

It was marked: GIRLS GONE WILD CANADIAN TOUR.

Now call me crazy, call me a goddamn fool but I swear to God I heard my tits cry out, " Do it Ashley. Do it for all three of us." You have to understand that breasts get rather moody and droopy if you don't do what they say. I walked up to the bus, knocked on the door and awaited for someone to answer. Suddenly, there was a rather loud "WHACKING" sound and I hit concrete.

When I awoke from my brutal attackI heard someone faintly say in the background, "Awww she looks so cute when she's asleep" I muttered a few shortened obscenities under my breath and proceeded to open my eyes. "Shush shush she's waking up!" I turned my heard to the side and saw a rather "gifted" young brunette walking towards me. Unable to communicate verbally at this point I just flailed my arms violently like a ferrel child and grunted. The gifted brunette grabbed me by the side and put me right side up on the couch. I looked out the window and saw that it was now daylight and that I wasn't in Ottawa anymore.

"You ok sweety?" the brunette asked.

Since it was my tits that got me into this mess I figured they should get me out of it.

"Where in the fuck am I?"

"Oh honey, you're with us now!"

Christ, it's a Pamela Anderson convention - was the first thought that came to my mind

"Us being....??"

"Baby, we're the GIRLS GONE WILD Canadian edition!"

Suddenly the memories of sushi, KY Jelly and a bus came flooding back. I was still pissed off that I didn't get my sushi.

"All right, so what the hell do you want with me?" I asked.

"Well, we lost our last t-shirt girl to an unfortunate silicone leakage accident..."

"Poor Cindy" - all the girls chimed in as they shook their heads. "We told her to go with saline"

"And this has got what to do with me exactly?"

"You're the new Cindy"

"No, no. I'm Ashley"

"Whatever, they both end with an 'I'"

"Actually.... they both end with a...."

"Anyways silly, we didn't mean to be so intrusive and bring you onto the bus in such a manner, but you can never be too careful. By the way, who's your doctor? They look fabulous!"

"Oh no...these are mi..."

"Whatever. Well Ashley, I'd like you to meet the rest of the crew. I'm Mandy, thats Candy, thats Sandy, thats Stacey and thats Bo. Welcome aboard to the S.S. GGW."

I had no idea where I was, I was surronded by toothpicks with breasts and "Y"'s at the end of their names. Something told me that it wasn't going to be smooth sailing ahead.


.....fuck it, let's roll.



To Be Continued.

Ps. (you knew I had to do it)

To you French Fucks who SURVIVED the Miracle Flight that crashed on the Toronto Air Strip a few weeks ago and are SUING THE PEOPLE WHO SAVED YOUR LIVES:

GO FUCK YOURSELVES YOU GREEDY FUCKING INGRATES

I seriously hope the Judge who handles your cases bitch slaps you all with a frivolous charge for making such a claim and you have to pay Air Canada for damages caused by the trial.

Seriously, go fuck yourselves you ungrateful bastards. I hope you all choke on a baguette.

Yo.

Due to recent personal issues I have not updated my blog, once again I apologize.

I gave you guys a little teaser after moving and getting my internet up and running by posting a few more times before I once again crawled under a rock as the CIA erased my birth certificate and finger prints.

I have no idea when I will be back, I have several issues I need to work out with myself, my family, my school and various other sources of stress.

If you wish to keep in contact with me while I remain on my hiatus forward all comments/questions to reasonableinsomnia@yahoo.ca

I'm pretty shitty at checking my email, but I'll try to fix that.

Thanks all,
Ashley