THE FACTS OF LIFE

1. Moving out of your parents place means no rules and no curfew. It also means no one to cook, clean, do your laundry or pay your bills - and they'll let you know that everyday you complain about it.

2. Sex is dangerous. Even downloading pornography can give your computer a V.D.

3. Someone is always going to rule over your life whether they are your parents, your landlords, your boss or God. You're never on top.

4. Never trust the judgement of a movie critic. Half the time they're bullshitting the other half they're raiding KFC.

5. When you're a guy getting laid is difficult. When you're married it's fucking impossible.

6. Guns don't kill people. Un attended luggage and Texans do.

7. You don't have to be a great liar to be a spectacular bullshitter.

8. Aw&W Rootbeer will always be better than sex. Always.

9. Everyone could have a perfect body - just don't leave it in the truck or it'll start to smell.

10. You can always take revenge on your parents: You'll be choosing their nursing home.

11. Once you hit your teens all the fun things you used to get for Christmas and birthdays turns to money you can't touch and advice.

Once you hit your twenties you get groceries and furniture.

Once you hit your thirties if you get anything its a pot and pan set.
(The saddest part is that you're excited about it.)

Once you hit your fourties your husband buys you risque panties you wouldn't wear even at 20 in hopes of sparking the bedroom play.

Once you hit your fifties you get a corvette, or at least your mid-life-crisis husband does.

Once you hit your sixties you get a nice spot in a nursing home

Once you hit your seventies you don't even know what day of the week it is anyways

Once you hit your eighties you get to put a down-payment on a tombstone.

12. Everyone is lazy. Thats why someone invented "The List"

Tribute to my parents

Dear mom, thanks for giving me life.
Dear dad, thanks for being there for me.

xoxo
Ashley

Ps. Fuck you.

I've been fighting with my parents for quite some time now, mostly concerning my grades and career of choice.

But let me explain something first.

My mom is practically a lawyer, and is very successful at what she does. She works a pretty heavy day and gets paid good money for it.

My father owns a successful contracting buisness with his dad who is a retired chartered accountant along with his wife, my grandmother.

My aunts and uncles all have jobs in law or business.

Now, lets back track to 3 years ago when I had a High School Diploma in one hand and an University application form in the other.
My mom and my grandmother were both convinced that I would study law and become a lawyer.
My father and grandfather were both convinced that I would study buisness.

I'm 2 years shy of graduating University with an Honors degree in Criminal Psychology.


It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where this is going.

My parents haven't exactly been supportive of my career choice, but I ASSUMED they accepted it 3 years ago. As I now enter my third year my mother dropped the bomb on my recently,

"Ashley - I know you're going to be graduating soon but wouldn't you rather have a degree in something a little more worthwhile and prestigious? You don't want to be a cop or something do you?"

Seriously, what the fuck is that???

My dad and grandparents said pretty much the same thing. My grandparents, though they love me to death are not impressed with having a future corpse-player in the family. They think its morbid and twisted that I want to associate myself with mademen and death. They also think that I am too delicate for the job since I am a female.

LET ME HERE YOU SAY!!! This shit is B.S. B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t
THIS SHIT IS B.S. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T!

I think its ridiculous that I, the only kid in the family without a criminal record, or a history of drug abuse AND a high school diploma is getting shit on because I don't want to follow in the footsteps of my elders. I honestly don't see anything wrong with wanting to work in a field that puts rapists and scumbags behind bars instead of bending the rules to get them off. Yah, I want to play with corpses for the rest of my life (in a strictly professionl and plutonic way) but it sure as fuck beats serving people for a living.

My family is always asking me, "How can you deal with looking at dead bloodied bodies all day? Isn't that disturbing to you! It is to most people!" I always want to scream back,

"I don't know. How the fuck can you live your life in a little cubicle the size of a gerbil's cage plastered in clichèd Dilbert comics and a poster of a cat that says, "I Hate Mondays"."

The way I figure it is this, if you turn your head to look at a car accident on the side of the street unless you're trying to assess whether or not the air-bag deployed properly and not because you want to see some blood and a body through the windsheild - you're no different than me.

EVERYONE on this goddamn planet is obsessed with death. Its exciting, its morbid, it's everything we don't know shit all about. I don't care if you're a used car salesman or the fucking Pope, we ALL read about who was murdered and how this week. If this wasn't the case shows like CSI and Law and Order would never take off. It's an obsession in our society, we CRAVE the macabre to keep our own mundane lives entertained.

Two things in this world sell: Sex and Death.

If it's not one, its the other.

(Thats why I think in two years or less we're going to see a new CSI called CSI: Baywatch where all the detectives and lab analysists will be clad in bikinis and will have to jump on trampolines to shake DNA evidence. It'll happen, you wait and see)

But back to my fucked up family.

They're so very insistent on me becoming a lawyer or working in business I think they're ready to hire a hitman in case I don't follow their advice to avoid any "embarassment" by having me sharing the family name.

The worst part of it all is that I got three B's this year in three VERY difficult courses and A's in all my others.

What did they do?

"Tsk, Ashley - you can do better than that!"

Not only are they pissed with my career choice but they're now freaking out about my grades which are pretty fucking fantastic for University??? Last time I checked my transcript read, "In Good Standing" which is the highest rating you can get in my University.

So now I'm being treated like the plague and my family thinks the only antidote is a good shot of Law School. It's seriously starting to piss me off to the point where I am ready to say, "Fuck you- good luck with my seriuously disturbed younger brother. You can pin all your hopes and dreams on that kid so when he becomes a fucking hobo in Toronto you can vent all your disappointment on him. I'm outta here."


Fuck. This.

ATTN: Perverts

Let me make life a little easier for you:

1. Calling me, "Honey" as I bring your drinks while you blatantly stare at my tits isn't going to make me jump into your arms.

2. Purposely positioning yourself on the patio in such a way that I have to physically brush up against you with my ass isn't a fucking invite into my pants.

3. Referring to my tits as "Jugs" as I walk past your table isn't going to make me wet with desire

4. Loudly explaining to your group of perverted friends what you would do to my ass doesn't mean it's actually going to happen.

5. Please stop talking to my tits, you won't be meeting them.

6. Barn animal noises are never a turn on, so keep the cattle call to yourselves.

7. Save your breath for your inflatable date.

8. My sexual preference is NO

9. An angel didn't fall from Heaven, I escaped from Hell so back the fuck off.

10. I may not know sign language but grabbing your crotch and howling in my direction will be met with sign language of my own, a middle finger.



Please think before you act. Christ.

Randomness and Confessions

* I've repeated grade 11, 12 and 13 math - twice
* I still sleep with a night light
* I've spent a total of 3 years of my life asleep
* I've only been in total love - once
* I've had my heart broken - once
* I have been in a cat fight with another girl - once
* I broke her nose
* The ONLY channel I usually watch on TV is A and E (Rogers discovererd I was getting porn for free so they ended that)
* One day I will be a forensic psychologist ... or a circus clown
* I can be amused by rubber bands and paper clips
* I'm a terrible liar
* I hate talking on the phone with a deep rooted passion
* I used to have a crush on Zach Morris, Jordan Knight, Ryan Gosling and Kevin Richardson (you can figure out on their own who they are)
* I now have crushes on Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Edward Norton, Oliver Martinez and Johnny Depp ]
* I used to have an imaginary unicorn friend who lived in the clouds
* I now have an imaginary friend who leaves destructive messes whenever I come home loaded
* My aptitude test in grade 12 told me I would become an Ice - Salesman
* I used to listen to Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, S Club 7 and Spice Girls
* I now listen to The Watchmen, MG(b), Chevelle, Motley Crue, Rob/White Zombie, CKY
* I lost my virginity when I was 16 on June 16th, 2000 (exactly 2 months and 2 days before my 17th birthday)
* He was 29, and his birthday is April 1st
* I'm pretty sure that's illegal
* I'm a bit of a neat freak
* I love the bad boys because they are just that - bad - then I get crushed because I was stupid enough to go for the bad boy who is just that - bad
* Then my mother tells me, "I told you so"
* I'm obsessed with brushing my teeth
* I've been counting down the days for "The Devil's Rejects" to come out
* I still cry when I see those "Cruelty to Animal" shows that play every Sunday morning on channel 3
* I'd like to believe that I'm completely different from my mother when in fact, I'm exactly the same and no better
* I always blame everyone and everything else for my problems, I am a blame shifter
* Sometimes I cry for no reason
* I need to enroll in "Mouth Management" since I never think before I speak
* I often take the opposite side of what everyone else thinks just to be different and controversial
* I believe in the death penalty
* I don't believe in an elected Dictatorship
* I don't agree with the war in Iraq
* I wish I had smaller boobs
* I've never cheated on a boyfriend
* I've been cheated on by nearly every boyfriend I've had
* I have no desire to have kids
* I've had an affair with a married man, something I'm not proud of
* I think everything sounds better acoustic
* I love attention since I was the ugly homely girl that wasn't even asked to her own prom
* I've faked an orgasm
* One day I will run away to LA and try my luck at becoming an actress
* I love lists
* I believe in ghosts and UFO's
* I want a bus to hit Tom Cruise

And she ops yet again for another Hang-Over larger than Tokyo

I've been quite sick for the past few days (what the hell else is new I'm always fucking sick it seems) only this time I have laryngitis so I've been barely able to speak. It sucks because I have to keep working as school is approaching and I need to save up for my books, rent etc. as I won't be working as much come Sept.

Anyways, long story short the girls dragged me willingly to the bar to have a good time and forget that I'm a goddamn medical mess.

We arrived as usual through the VIP (thankfully being bar staff means I don't have to wait in line, its a wonderful thing) and we all had our picture taken together - pre drunk.


Then it was time to dance



And the following two are post drunk with myself acting like a moron who can't even do a "skater sign" right.



We were all sweaty and gross by this time. Oh, and quite shit faced.



I think I'm going to have a law passed that doesn't allow us to be photo-graphed when we're that fucked up. Ever.

To The Little Rat Bastard

Let me tell you a story.

It's a story of two siblings, six years apart, one girl and one boy.

The girl is the eldest of the two and when they were kids she enjoyed torturing her younger scrawny little sibling on a daily basis. From tying him with a skipping rope to a mini rocking chair and giving him a dollar store make-up make over, to forcing him to play with Barbie dolls - The sister was a real tyrant.

Mind you, the younger male sibling wasn't the brightest crayon in the box. He didn't exactly need a sytrofoam helmet - but he could have used a spiffy pair of velcro shoes.

For example, the older sister insisted that a garbage bag could be used as a parachute. She convinced the younger brother to tie himself to the back of her unicorn bike, put on his roller skates and hold onto the garbage bag as she barelled top - speed down a steep gravol road.

2 hrs later and 16 stictches after the fact the older sister was grounded for attempting to kill her brother.

However, this is the same kid who nailed a plank to a 9 foot deck and attempted to "bungee" off the end of it with a 3 foot peice of string. That had nothing to do with the older sister.

At one point the elder sister convinced the naive little brother that they would be better off as hobos and that they should live two blocks down the road at the marina dock for the rest of their lives. When the police brought the two home the eldest sister once again had a lot of explaining to do.

Did the fun end there?

Nope.

Over the years the older sister managed to convince her brother to do ridiculously stupid things simply for her own sadistic pleasure.

These "adventures" included the following:

- A trip to the hospital when she convinced him that it was safe to eat 4 tubs of Play Dough (its only salt and flour after all isn't it?)

- An additional 6 stitches on the foot when she told him he should practice his Kung Fu moves on the glass coffee table: by kicking it to peices

- A search party for a hide and seek game gone horribly wrong when she told him that the roof of their house was the best spot to hide

- An additional 4 stitches on the nose when she pushed his sled into a tree: Purposely

- The elder sister convcincing her younger brother that he was adopted (he was devestated and she was once again grounded)

- The whole "Brother-4-Sale:Cheap" incident, let me tell you - that didn't go over too well

- The several tomato baths the younger brother had to have to wash off the smell after she convinced him that the skunk was in fact a cute and cuddly kitten

- The $2.00 she paid him to eat clumpy kitty litter

- His allowance extortion which she called, "Brother Tax" (I'm pretty sure she made off with a good $100 over the years)

Then one summer it all changed.

The older sister went away for school and for once lived away from her younger, considerably smaller brother. When she returned home for the summer no longer was her scrawny little brother so little anymore.

His 6 foot nearly 200lb self towered over her 5'3 120 lb frame.

The sister was scared
She feared for her life
She feared the retaliation
But most of all she feared the garbage bag parachute.

Thankfully said younger brother hasn't attempted to unleash the same horrors that the older sister let loose on him. As the years have passed the two of them still love each other and they still hate each others guts.

And today marks a special day.

HAPPY 16TH BIRTHDAY YOU NOT-SO-LITTLE-RAT-BASTARD



xoxo
YOUR QUITE-SO-LITTLE-OLDER SISTER

Ps. Fuck you being in Florida for the entire summer. I hope a hurricane gets you.

So here's the deal

I'm back and in full action.

It's taken me a month....a whole goddamn MONTH to get this shit set up.

I am however, living on my own and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why do you say?

Several reasons

1. I'm an anti social narcissist
2. If food goes missing its because I ate it
3. I can only blame myself for a dirty apartment and dishes
4. I can walk around freely in my underwear and tank top
5. When I stumble drunkingly into my apartment nobody gets pissed that I woke them up and they have to work early the next morning
6. When I want to watch TV I dont have to fight for the remote or pat out the imprint roomates who never leave the couch make
7. I can own a zoo of animals and no one will complain
8. Bills are always paid on time, no chasing people down for their share


Goddamn why didn't I think of this before????

So just a quick update on what I have been up to minus working like a slave child and moving:

1. My grandmother was run over by an ATV while we were on vacation, it was fucking scary but she's ok now. We call her "Crash".

2. My mom's dog recently drowned in her pool when he went chasing after something and knocked his head against the pool floor. My mother had him cremated and she plans on sending me a little urn of my own

3. I've been sick: twice

4. I still hate my job.

5. I can almost burp out the entire alphabet. The highest I have gotten is to P.

6. I'm adopting two cats from the humane shelter. Their names are Morrisey and George. They're freaking adorable and I shall post pics of them later.

7. I've bought several new cds by CKY, The Watchmen, Motley Crue and Chevelle (which I strongly suggest you pick up)

8. I get the porno channels for free on my cable and Rogers doesn't know it. I don't plan on telling them.


Other than that, nothing really new and exciting. I went on vacation for a bit camping on some god forsaken island with my family which was a fucking trip. I nearly got fired at working for telling some really bitchy chick where she could go.

Oh, and I almost got banned from On Tap aka On Crap for dumping half my drink on some grabby asshole. I went with a few girls after work for a rip since it was the only time I had off that week and they decided that'd we'd hit up that bar.

Now, let me tell you about On Tap

If you're into kids with fake ID's, G-Unit wanna be's, Gino's in blue tinted sun-glasses and thugs On Tap is the place for you. We just know the bartenders so we drink for free. Thats basically the only reason why we went.

Anyways, my friends and I were dancing on the floor when suddenly this guy grabs my ass. I turned around and said, "This is your first warning" He was giving me total attitude like, "Oooh what the hell you gonna do girly?" The second time he did it he found out.

I dumped half my drink on his head as the girls I was with looked on in shock.

"This is your second warning, the next time its the entire drink."

So asshole, being the little pussy that he is goes running to the bouncer and causes a scene. Naturally he tells the bouncer that I'm just a bitch who got in his way until I told the truth. I was nearly kicked out for that. Good times.

All right folks, I'm exhausted so I am off to bed. Thanks for coming back!

Sorry Kiddies

I havent had the net in forever, it was just installed today

Updates to be given as soon as I get back from work

xoxo
Ash