I've got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one of them

I'm so fucking sunburnt right now it's not even funny. I was working the patio all day without sunscreen so now I'm hobbling around like a lost crab due to the pain. Fuck you sun. God I hate the summer.

Tomorrow I start moving.

I'm painting. I obviously have no idea as to what the hell I am doing considering I had to ask the girls at work what "Primer" is. (shut up - I took drama in school, not woodworking.) What I do know is that its going to be a long painful process that will probably end with a few frusterated dents in the wall and a paint can being thrown over the patio. Perhaps some crying even, I haven't planned that far ahead.

Right now I am sitting in my room with all of the lights off and the computer screen blaring in my face. It's at this time that I have reached a point in my life where I now realize that I was born to be a hermit. Its true.

I hate other people
I hate being crowded in
I'm not a huge fan of big, brightly lit rooms

I'm more of a loner who'd prefer the company of a scraggly cat in a dark dimly lit room than anything else. Maybe all the years of serving have brought me to this point. Or maybe my mom lied about my real dad and she actually hooked up with some transient who passed on his reclusive genes to me. All I know is that I really do hate people and I really can't wait to be on my own.

Before I leave tonight, I would just like to mention the following:

1. Server's do use the restroom
2. It's probably not a wise idea to piss off the person handling your food.

Last night I was in the bathroom when I heard two girls enter and started gabbing in the typical catty fashion. One of them says, "I hate it when girls like 10 years younger than me ask for my ID!" to which the other replied, "Same here! And she was SUCH a bitch about it!" the conversation continued for a few minutes and I waited for them to both leave their stalls. As they walked out of their stalls I walked out of mine. They both stopped dead in their tracks, stared at my apron mouths wide open and obviously embarassed. I just smiled at them and walked out.

Naturally, I told their server who is in fact probably 6 years older than the both of them and the least bitchiest girl I know. I believe they treated her well after that performance.

At the end of the night I was sat a table of two bitchy bar-stars who had nothing but attitude towards me. They literally sat for no more than 30 secs. as I served the table that was in before them. As soon as I turned around the one chick goes, "Ugh can we like get some service here?!" in the snottiest tone possible. I almost felt like telling her to march her cheap ass pumps back to the trailer park where cousin mom could fix her ugly ass extensions. Instead I just smiled and remained completely polite.

As the night progressed and the bitch factor increased I nearly lost it a few times. They were purposely acting like spoiled little brats and the fucking Bar Star Show was becoming annoying. Finally they asked for their bill, tipped shit (as I expected) and told me that the food tasted funny and everything sucked. By then I had enough so I was quick to reply, "Thats too bad girls. Perhaps the next time youre out you won't abuse the person handling your food and it won't taste so "funny""

The look on their faces was priceless. Im surprised they didn't ask for a manager. I'm sure they won't be back in the near future.

Ps. I did nothing to their food, I never would. But a good mind fuck can be fun once in a while.

What are we teaching people these days???

First off, I would like to apologize for my bitchyness lately. I've been fucking stressed out from work and moving so my tolerance level has been nil. The girl who is supposed to sign over the lease keeps telling me that shes coming in, then she doesn't and I'm getting worried since I'll be moved into my new place by Tuesday hopefully.

Now back to my rant.

It appears to me that society has lost its way. Seriously.

The word "please" has been replaced with "fuck you" and we're slowly de-evolving (is that even a word?) back to our original primate state. I think we would much rather sling feces at each other than hold the door open for the person beside us or give up our seat on the bus for the eldery man that just boarded.

Hardly anyone says "Thank you" and the magic word has gone from "please" to "right now".

For example, I always tell the bus driver "Thank you" when I get off the bus. I don't know, maybe I am being over polite, but I'm sure they appreciate it more than, "Great now I'm fucking late because of you" Which I have probably heard more than "Thanks for transporting my ass halfway across the city with my screaming kid in the front and the little gansta kids yelling FUCK YOU G in the back! Greatly appreciated"

Little gansta kids in the back of the bus always piss me off. They have 0 respect for anyone around them and all they fucking do is scream like morons about fucking this and fucking messing that g-dude up. I really just want to turn around and bash the shit out of their little ass crack hanging selves.

And now thanks to fast food and the power to have food delivered to us however we want it in 10 secs or less we think this concept applies to the rest of our lives. In my restaurant I've had people try to modify the shit out of things which can not physically be done so they have a hissy fit,

"Well, I'll have the chicken vodka linguine but I don't want the chicken because I'm a vegetarian, I dont drink so skip the vodka and I hate tomatos so drain that out of the sauce."

When I try to explain that what they basically ordered was the veggie fettucini they will have none of it. If MacDonalds can take the cheese off their cheeseburger this order should be a fucking cinch.

I've actually had someone yell at me because I refused to take 10 mins out of my dinner rush to scoop out mayo from 10 individual packages that they brought into the restuarant into a special bowl and heat it up for them. Who in the fuck do you think you are? Hell, I wouldn't even do that for Nikki Sixx and I love him.

Another thing that irks me is how we're not teaching our kids that people are different. A couple days ago on the bus the driver lowered the handicap ramp so a man in a wheelchair could manuever his way onto the bus while his helper buckled him in so he wouldn't fly around. A young girl, maybe 5-6 started screaming at her mom at the top of her goddamn lungs so everyone could hear,

"MOM! MOM! WHATS WRONG WITH THAT MAN? WHY IS HE IN THAT CHAIR! CAN'T HE WALK! MOM! MOM! WHY DOES HE LOOK FUNNY? WHY CAN'T HE STAND UP! IS HE LIKE A BABY? MOM! MOM! WHY DOESN'T HE HAVE ANY HAIR! MOOOOOM!"

And what did her mom do? Ignored her. Just kept reading her book as everyone on the bus started staring at the poor man who was obviously uncomfortable with all the attention. Why can't parents these days just teach kids that some people are different from them. Why do we as a society fear and hide away from shit we don't understand? Instead of teaching our kids that not everyone has two arms and legs we tell them they're freaks for being different. Why? Because its the easy way out.

Ignoring something doesn't make it go away.

Instead of helping people these days we'd rather selfishly throw the door in the face of the person walking behind us. I always hold the door for whoever is behind me, especially if they are elderly. I certainly hope you all do the same. With the internet we've lost our ability to engage as a human being in society. We've all become de-personalized and we refuse to look after anyone else than Number 1: Ourselves.

I belive that it's time for a little social makeover - starting with ourselves.

Good news at the ol' Homestead

I called my new place today to confirm the dates in which I can move.

Much to my surprise and disapppointment my place was NOT ready for me to move into this upcoming weekend even though I have to be out of here by Tuesday for the new girl to move in. I was pretty pissed on the phone and explained to them that when I signed the lease and my first/last cheque went through it was my understanding that they'd hand me the keys and I'd be on my way.

I argued for a while with the girl on the phone and asked to see the manager of the apartment buildings because this broad was getting on my nerves.

I explained to her my situation and requested that she remedy it or I was pulling out of the apartment. So what did she propose?

She offered me an apartment on the 7th floor.

I saw the 7th floor.

I knew I couldn't afford the 7th floor as it was $125 extra a month

But my GOD! The floors are all hardwood, there is a bigger balcony, a larger bedroom and bathroom AND it comes with a dishwasher.

I explained to the lady that I signed up for the $550/month apartment and I wasn't going to pay a penny more because they messed up in assigning me an apartment.

So she offered the $625 apartment to me for the $550 that I originally signed up for.

I get all this cool shit for basically NOTHING!

I sweard to God these apartments are fucking nice with the hardwood floor and are going to look killer once I paint it and move in all my shit.


Oh, and mommy bought me a futon for my living room because she loves me just that much.

And a big fuck you to the guy in the corner

All right, so maybe I'm a little tipsy and maybe I am just a bit of a bitch but honestly, tonight which was supposed to be a great fucking night turned into a fucking disaster.

I got off work early and awaited the rest of the crew to finish up with their tables and leave. Im super excited as this is the first time in a while a group of us has gone out. When we finally get our asses in gear its about midnight (which is fine since the bar doesn't get busy until then anyways) and naturally we skip the huge ass line because of our bar status. Thats about the only advantage of working where I do - you get VIP access to the majority of the bars in Ottawa provided you show them picture ID and a recent pay slip.

As soon as we walk in the vultures fucking smell us out like last weeks garbage. The 5 of us walk in and sure enough we have these retarded simps trying to wedge themselves bewteen us throwing out lines and bullshit like its candy. We eventually ditch the losers and get our drinks and shots compliments of the bartender who's a friend of one of the girls I was with. The guy beside me says to his buddy,

"Who do you think is fucking the bartender to get their drinks free?"

I nearly fucking lost it.

Since when does a girl have to suck cock to get anything for free in this world? We're hardly strolling in from the red-light fucking district people. Some girls actually HAVE male friends that they DON'T fuck you know, it does actually happen. And if I was to fuck a guy for free drinks you better believe that it'd be for a double Grey Goose on the rocks not a goddamn rum and coke. (As bad as that line sounded I don't actually fuck for drinks, I'm just making a point here)

To make matters worse there was a group of little gangsta kids who clearly got in with their brother's ID because they were no older than 16 MAXIMUM. The one comes up to me and says, " Nice legs - what time do they open"

Are you fucking kidding me?

"About half past never I don't have 3-5 years to sit in jail for statutory rape."

I don' t even think the kid knew what that meant.

Just as we are about to go my friend runs into this guy she was seeing and he has a hissy fit on the dance floor. My god, the spectacle was enough to turn me into a lesbian. He grabs her, brings her over to the dance floor over the little nook and says,

" I thought I could trust you"

My friend, who is a little dumb founded at this time is like, "What the hell are you on about?"

"I thought you weren't going to tell anyone that we slept together. This is so over its never going to happen again."

First of all "dude", you're 32 years old - grow the fuck up you goddamn bar star and try to take on goals in life that don't include fucking anything with a pulse

Second of all, what the hell do you have to hide? Why can't she "kiss and tell" what girl are you trying to keep in the dark about your goddamn infidelity?

Third of all, your ass sucked in bed anyways and she wouldn't take you back if Ron Jeremy himself taught you all his fucking secrets.


As we're leaving this guy grabs my friend Jen's arm and pulled her away from the group in an attempt to pick her up. I nearly decked the guy. I grabbed her, threw her to the side and pushed him almost against the wall and told him that if he was going to take her home tonight it would have already happened and to back off. I was in a pissy mood by that point.

And and some point in the night I had my ass grabbed at least twice, each time I turned around ready to knock in teeth but the cowardly chicken shit ran off before I could remove his canines.

This is ridiculous. Why the fuck can't girls go out anymore without being harassed, bombarded, groped, grabbed, attacked or insulted because they don't want to fuck guys pathetic desperate asses. What happened to the days where the guys let girls do their thing and if they wanted to talk to them the girl would approach herself?

Oh where did they go? THOSE DAYS NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!

I think I need to have a tea, relax and go to bed....

Protect the guilty and fuck the innocent

Let me ask you something:

If you knew that a certain individual who made a career of killing school girls, torturing and raping them continously on video tape was tucked safely away in jail would you be happy?

Most likely, yes.

Now let me ask you something else:

What if you knew that said individual was being released from prison next month after serving a mere 12 year sentence in a minimum security prison where the only shit that happens is someone losing the remote so you have to get up to change the channel.

Pissed off? Worried? Concerned for public safety?

Hell, I know I am.

If you do not know who I am talking about by now (mostly my American friends) I am referring to KARLA HOMOLKA who, paired with her husband, Paul Bernardo went on to kill 2 school girls and Karla's own sister in a sadistic sexual fashion.

They raped the girls
They tortured the girls
They brutalized the girls
Then they killed the girls.

And they filmed the whole fucking thing for their own sick pleasure.

Now 12 years later Karla will be skipping out of Joliette Prison in July with a fucking psychology degree in one hand and a new fucking life in the other. Is that fair? No. But apparently its the fucking system.

Will Karla's new life and degree bring back Leslie Mahaffey and Kristen French?
No.
Will Karla's freedom bring back her sister that Paul and herself so coldly raped and murdered?
No.

So why in the FUCK is she being let out? During the trial Karla and Paul hired their defence to go into the home where they murdered these innocent girls to find the sex slaying tapes and hide them. Only after Karla struck a plea bargain with the prosecution did the "mysteriously lost tapes" MIRACULOUSLY re appear. But due to our Double Jeopardy *cough bullshit cough* laws Karla could not under the law be charged and re-tried for the same crime.

She was handed a 12 year sentence which was to be spent in the Martha fucking Stewart of all prisons in Quebec where she got a free education and cable.

How fucked is that?

So all I have to due is off a couple of people, claim my innocence, plea bargain my way to a minimum sentence and I can acquire my Psych degree for free? And here I am paying 5 fucking grand a year like a sucker. Hell, I don't even HAVE cable at my place because its too damn expensive and I'm never home anyways.

Karla WILL re offend

2/3 paroled killers go on to kill again within the first 6 years of them being released. The recidivism is extremely high for high risk offenders. On the Psychopathy Checklist Karla rated a 36. Ted Bundy the notorious Floridian murderer ranked a mere 34. Thats 2 below Karla and they fried his ass. The highest you can score on the test by the way is a 40. Scared yet? Maybe you should be mom and dad, lock your daughters because the bitch is getting out.

Oh, did I mention that Karla dumped Bernardo and got herself a new "daddy"?

Yah, his name is Gerbert and he's currently serving a life sentence for kiling his previous girlfriend. Do you see any red flags? I do, but apparently the justice system is fucking color blind because they don't see shit.

What the hell is wrong with the world today? Karla actively killed 2 innocent girls and her own damn sister and she's probably lived a smoother life in prison than I have on the outside! Now she's getting out and we the tax payers are fucking PAYING for her protection due to several death threats she has recieved in prison. What kind of backwards shit is that? So what, do we protect the guilty and fuck the innocent now? She should be thrown into the real world unprotected for a week and see how long she lasts.

My guess: Not fucking long.

PRISON LIFE LOOKS HARD, DOESN'T IT?

So I've been thinking....

You're all scared now aren't you?

I was browsing through a friends Playboy this afternoon as I waited for her to get dressed to go to our pathetic excuse for a staff meeting and I thought to myself, "You know - Playboy really isn't all that bad."

I guess I had an entirely different view of Playboy thanks to the Internet and its mass web of free porn related sites. (Who needs a subscription when at the click of the mouse its right there at my finger tips.) The actual spread of the magazine (no pun intended) is rather well put together. I would probably go so far as to say the magazine was "Classy" in a nudist sort of way.

I don't think it degrades women
I don't think it depicts women in a demeening fashion
I don't think there is anything all that bad with the magazine in general.


So back to me thinking.....

I would actually like to pose for Playboy

Now some of you are shocked, most of you are not and a few of you are cursing me out and ready to throw out some more anonymous slander. Whatever you're thinking I still stand by my thoughts on posing. I have no idea how one would get into that sort of thing however. I'm not into prancing around with Hef at the mansion - it would defintely be a one time deal, I wouldn't make a career out of it.

But really, why the hell not? Gravity is going to take its toll eventually and then I'll be sorry I didn't do something to preserve what youth I used to have. I know most people just get their portraits done or something, but thats fucking boring. I think it would be fun, a little risque and a little adventerous and a hell of a conversation starter and potential career booster:

"So Ms. S, why do you think we should hire you over all our other qualified canidates?"
"I once posed for Playboy"
"You start Monday"*

As crazy as it sounds, I really want to know how one gets into that sort of thing. If anyone can offer me a little guidance that'd be awesome. I'll send you a free issue. (but only if you promise to also read the articles)





(*I'm obviously joking about the career booster)

Turn up the hearing aid and tune into the bitterness

I'm turning 22 this year (August 18th to be exact) and already I feel like a crusty old lady who owns 50 cats and insists on using expired coupons in the "Express Lane" Serving has turned me into a bitter bitter person and its not a fun place to be.

For example, tonight I was really busy and a table kept asking me for things every fucking time I went over. I'd bring one person something then another person would ask me for something (usually water) the third time I went back to the table and they asked me for something I replied,

"Does anyone else want anything because the next time I'm ignoring you and not coming back. You're drinking water and taking up my section, you're hardly my highest priority at the time"

As soon as the words left my mouth I knew I should have probably turned in my apron and quit. They asked for my manager, I told them he was busy. It was a bad night.

To top it off I got in a fight with the kitchen because they were acting like idiots and fucking up all my orders. Eventually it got to the point where I told them they needed to show a little more fucking courtesy since I was tipping their asses out. I was seriously being quite nice to them and pointing out mistakes they had made with orders but with a patient tone. When they started to become bitchy with me I responded back in kind.

I really do hate being this cranky because I am not a nasty person by nature. The sooner I get my goddamn degree the sooner I can get out of the industry.

Good news today though: I signed the lease on my new place. Its a quaint little apartment in the Red Light District and it will only cost me about $200/month more. Which isn't bad considering I probably spend that drinking and taking cabs home after work. I have to paint it before I move anything in (and by anything I mean my bed and desk, I'm buying all new furniture)

I'm going crazy with colors and doing my kitchen a lilac purple, the living room a fire engine red, the bathroom tropical with lime green and my bedroom a dark midnight blue with glow in the dark stars because I am that cool.

Oh, and the next time I have to heard about Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise I'm gonna start busting heads.

www.freekatie.com

Night all,

Your friendly naracisstic bitch,
Ashley

The girl you just love to hate

Since I have posted my MJ post I have recieved several nasty emails and "anonymous" slander in my comments box.

I fully expected it.

You people should know by now that this blog, MY blog has a controversial flair to it. If you can't handle the material written here - DON'T READ IT. Instead of bitching and whinning and taking stabs at my personal life (which by the way has no association with my MJ post to begin with) just close the Explorer box and you won't have to see what I have posted.

I accept full responsibility for what I write on here. I don't mince words, I don't pussy foot around and I DO NOT change my point of view for a few morons who feel the need to personally attack me. I will back my views up, I will back my arguments up and most importantly I'm not going to stop writing how I feel on here because a few kids can't handle it. If what I say bothers you so much feel free to remove me from your reading list and put http://www.teletubbies.com/ in place of my blog.

For those of you who do not agree with my views but respond back in a respectful and intelligent manner thank you for your contributions. This blog would be boring if everyone agreed with everything that I say. I don't post in the hopes that everyone will agree with me and I do enjoy it when people disagree - it adds some spice.

Now, for those of you who are incapable of disagreeing with me in a respectful fashion and instead launch a personal attack against me you can kindly take that shit elsewhere. It has become quite old and redundant. Your stale material just takes up precious bandwith. Your "Look at me! I'm calling her a cheap bitch!" drive for attention and a reaction are severly contradicted by your anonymous status. If you want to express your disgust for me I think at the very least I'm owed an explanation as to who the fuck you are and why you think you know me so damn well.

If you're incapable of presenting yourself instead of hiding behind some vague internet reference don't even bother commenting.

Anyways, thanks to all who contribute to this blog in a mature and sometimes controversial fashion. You make this blog what it is.

Billie Jean is not my girl, she's just someone who thinks that I am the one....

MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ACQUITTED!
*Old news I know

Can YOU believe it?

I know I can.

I knew 100% after following the trial for four months that if there was any sort of justice in the world that he would get off (no pun intended). Thankfully all hope is not lost for the criminal justice system here in North America.

Now before you all go off on your little tirads "Oh, he's a molestor! They let a child molestor go! How can you be happy that this kiddie diddler has gotten off TWICE!(pun intended)" answer me this:

Did you actually WITNESS Michael Jackson touching a boy in a lewd fashion?
Did you actually WITNESS MJ plying underage boys with alcohol with the intent to molest them?
Did you actually WITNESS MJ touching little boy's heinies underneath the covers at his Neverland Ranch?

If you can't answer a defiant: YES to any of these questions then really, you're just talking out of your ass.

Granted, the man is a total nut job. The fact that he's a self masichist who enjoys mutilating his face and turning himself white while dangling his small child from a balcony doesn't make him a child molester

It makes him fucking looney
But it DOES NOT make him a pedophile.

So don't come griping to me with your crap, unless you actually saw him engaging in inappropriate acts with young boys you don't know shit.

Basically the trial was a "his-word-against-mine" fiasco. The lack of evidence, the shaky testimony and the fact that mother of the accused was a fucking whack-job who consistently changed her story was reason enough for MJ to be found NOT GUILTY.

The prosecutions job is to prove BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT that MJ did in FACT molest that boy and the several others who testified against him. The fact that their stories had severe loop holes in them and were ever changing should be reasonable enough doubt. MJ didn't get off because he has money, in fact - he's close to being in the poor house. If it wasn't for the fact that he owned the rights to all the Beatles songs (take THAT Pauly-boy) he'd be a fucking vagrant. Michael was found innocent because for once the system worked.

And for the record, pedophiles do not openly admit to thousands of viewers on televised interviews that they do in fact sleep with little boys. They hide their actions, not admit to certain activies that might incriminate them.

Space monkey space monkey, whatcha doing up there

Holy dear mother of fucking everything.

It's a sad day when you realize your boss' IQ is surpassed by that of a lab rat's.

I was scheduled to work this morning at 11 am. It has been pouring rain all morning so I call at 9:30 and my boss tells me to forget it because its pouring out.

9:40
*RING*

"Hi Ashley, it's Frank* we may need to call you in after all. Just in case it clears up we might get busy"

*Name has not been changed to protect moron's identity

(Ok, seriously during the week I may MAY have 1 or 2 tables that will sit out on the patio, seriously who the fuck wants to eat out in the fucking damp muggy weather? I'm not wiping off patio furniture for people who aren't even going to sit out there dammit)

"Ok Frank, whatever I'll be about an hour"

"Why so long?"

"*long sigh for the space monkey* Because, I live in South Keys (which is about a 45 mins bus ride to my work PROVIDED you don't miss any buses as they only come every half an hour) and I've already missed the 9:50."

"Ok, nevermind then. I'll figure something out."

10:05
*RING*

Hang up

10:06
*RING*

Hang up

10:15
*RING*

"Hello?"

"Ashley, its Frank again* I guess I accidently scheduled the day bartender as a server as well so I may need you to come in again. When can you be here?"

"Frank, I've will miss the 10:25 bus so I won't be able to get there until close to 11:30 - noonish now"

"Thats too late, its all right I'll figure something out"

10:18
*RING*

"WHAT?"

"A reservation just called in, just get here when you can."


SERIOUSLY WHAT IN THE FUCK???? WOULD YOU CONTINUE WORKING FOR THESE FUCKING INBREDS OR WHAT???? HONESTLY! Each time he called I was getting ready to go back to bed since I ASSUMED I would NOT be working.

So I'm pissed off, I look like ass because I refuse to shower and get really ready for work since I am assuming he's going to call me off in about 10 mins as I still have another 20 mins to wait before my bus even gets here. I'm getting smashed on red wine before I get there, its the only way I can deal with these fucking people.

*(Jesus Christ)


Ps. June's Hot and Not is posted below - check it out and will someone PLEASE explain to me what the hell a blogshare is?

Hot And Not - JUNE EDITION

As promised, Ashley's HOT AND NOT list for June:

HOT NOT

Being naturally brunette Being naturally blond and going brunette

Eating what you want and exercising Celebrity fad diets, Atkins, South Beach

Drunken karaoke with friends Serious karaoke 5 nights a week

Angelina and Brad Katy Holmes and Tom Cruise (you've in love, shut up we get it already)

Apple /Chocolate Martinis Vodka / Jager Redbulls

Adopting from your local SPCA Paying hundreds of dollars for purebreds

Tanning on your patio, drinking with friends Roasting on a crowded beach alone

Body mist (ie. Hawaiin Ginger by Calgon) Pricey overly-smelly perfumes

Cycling, rollerblading, walking to the store Driving to the store

Capri pants, halter tops with flat sandals Mini skirts, tube tops with stillettos

Ankle braclets Belly braclets

Heart and Crown's Salmon Goat Cheese wrap Extreme Pita wraps

"Meet The Barkers" "Newlyweds"

Michael Jackson being acquitted Robert Blake aka Spanky being acquitted

Guy Paul Morin being released Karla Holmoka being released

Posting pictures of yourself on your blog Stealing picturesfrom other blogs and pathetically
passing them off as yourself on sites such as Hot or Not andMyspace.com (Go fuck yourselves you pathetic fucking losers)

Tanning nude Tan lines (they should have never been in)

Montreal Strippers Ottawa Strippers

Jessica Simpsons Treat Lines body candy Everything else

Cowboy hats Everything else

Meatloaf's Back INTO Hell Meatloaf's Bat OUT of Hell ***

Motley Crue Reunion Tour Cher's Never-ending FarewellTour

"When Plastic Surgery Goes Wrong" "ExtremeMakeover"

***Shut up.

Subservient Chicken

Possibly the greatest website ever.

Click this link: http://www.subservientchicken.com/

In the box at the bottom of the screen type in what you would like the chicken to do

ie. Throw a pillow, dance, fly, read a book etc and the chicken will do so.

I asked it to have sex, I think you should do that same.

I love Men

**Just so people don't get the wrong impression, I do in fact LOVE the male gender. I just hate the idiots that frequent the bars and make complete fucking tools of themselves trying to pick up.

Now that we've cleared that mess up.

I just came back from working a long ass shift in the sun. I nearly died because we have no air conditioning and it was about 32 degrees out with the humidity. I was praying for rain to come and cool shit down but God has a serious hate-on for me so no such luck.

Prior to working this evening I brought back the car that I had rented for two days in order to get all my shit done and look at apartments. Upon arriving to the car rental place (the fucking bastards gave me an ugly ass PT Cruiser in BRIGHT BLUE no fucking less. So not only was I driving the world's cruelest joke but it was bright fucking blue so the world knew that I was driving that peice of shit) Anyways, I bring it back and I'm waiting for the girl to check the gas, mileage etc and she comes in and says,

"I have some bad news"

I'm thinking that maybe I used too much gas or something so I am getting an extra charge or being charged extra because I was 10 mins late. Instead she says:

"There is extreme damage to the front of the car above the liscence plate"

Now, I KNEW I didn't get into a car accident, I think I would have been able to tell. I go outside with her and sure enough, there's this big ass fucking dent right where she said there was one. I'm flipping out because I am under 25 therefore I have to pay for it and it was probably the result of some fucking numnuts backing into me and failing to leave their information.

Seriously, I was RIGHT fucking pissed off.

I didn't think that it would be fair for me to have to pay this shit off when I didn't even CAUSE the accident or even know about it! Their driver brought me back to my place as a string of obscenities flew from my mouth while I was plotting the death of whoever hit me. About an hour later of coming home and readying myself for the Red Light District to pay off the damage they inform me that the damage had been there PRIOR to me renting the veichle.

I wanted to kill every idiot that worked there.

Why?

1 - They freaked me the fuck out
2 - They were about to charge me for an accident that I was never even a part of
3 - They were too fucking retarded to realize that "Oh, I forgot that the dent was there before, how silly of me!"

Talk about an unorganized group of chimps. I'm still bitter about the whole thing.

Now it's off to bed to sweat my ass off to my peice of shit fan that barely moves anymore.

Night

Is that a mirror in your pocket?

I have finally found a place to settle my ass down with. Its a quaint little apartment to call my own with a spacious room and an 8th floor balcony. Originally they wanted to place me on the 13th but I told them that:

a) Thats bad luck
b) I'm terrified of heights

Now, this new place is placed in the ghetto - well - not really ghetto per say, but the neighborhood is defintely on the sketchy side. Luckily I live at school and work so I will not have to deal with such individuals on a regular basis. On my way in to look some puny little french men were screaming at me "TABERNAQUE!" (Fuck!) en Francais. I promply pulled out the finger like any lady would and flipped them off. Thats how you deal with these boys, show 'em you mean business and they'll fuck right off.....

Speaking of which, I would like to bring all the ladies attention to the following:

MEN ARE PIGS

Yes, sadly this is true. Men are degenerate scum that occasionally stick to the bottom of your stillettos until you pressure wash their grimy asses off. Thats not to say that ALL men are scum, but a fair portion of them are inept children with the mind of a 16 year old in their pants. As a result they act like complete morons in the company of a lady and tend to resort to immature remarks and actions in order to achieve their ultamite goal: GETTING LAID.

You know it, I know it. Most men who go to the bar have one thing on their mind:

"Sex sex sex sex .... hot blond.....hot brunette....nice tits.....sex....sex.....sex.....nice booty....sex.....sex.....GOD I miss hockey"

Ok, so maybe two things.

Since hockey season has vanished (fuck you NHL bastards who make too much money to begin with) the male mind has turned from thoughts of slap shots to fucking anything with a pulse. Because of this us poor woman are forced to suffer at the hands (literally) of these ADD boys. We have to fend them off and ground that 16 year old or else he will keep coming back for more.

To help you fellow females with this mission of relieving yourself of these little tykes I have composed a list of things to do AND/OR say when you find yourself in such a situation.

Follow carefully:

Scenario 1:
The guy across the bar has been checking you out all night. Suddenly the bartender hands you a vodka soda and tells you that its from the man at the end of the bar. He smiles and waves do you:

a) Accept the drink and smile back
b) Decline the drink

B is the obvious answer here. A seems like the polite thing to do but in his mind if he spent money on you, you owe him at LEAST a blowjob in the bathroom. NEVER accept drinks - it means your legs are open and ready for that sleaze to make his way over.

Scenario 2:
You're trying to dance with your girlfriends on the floor when this obnoxious creep hustles his way over in your direction and stands between you and Suzie and company. He's dancing and clapping and trying to start up a conversation. His words and dance moves compliment each other: The both fucking suck.

What do you do?

Talking to this idiot and telling him to move won't do shit. Men like that don't respond to words as they typically share the IQ of a brick. You will need to resort to quick actions which involve pushing him out of the way, grabbing your friend and hustling your way to the other end of the floor. This lets the nomad know that he's not welcome and he will gradually move onto another unsuspecting flock of ladies.

Scenario 3:
As you make your way to the bar someone suddenly pinches your ass. You quickly whip around and see some asshole grinning. He says, "Hey baby, nice ass"

The answer to this?

Kick the mother-fucking shit out of this dickhead and be sure to grind your heels into his nuts while he's whimpering on the ground. That'll teach him not to think with his dick again.

Scenario 4:
If you're walking on your way to the bar from the outside and a group of guys pull up in a Hummer, Jeep, Land Rover etc or one of those apparently "bad ass" SUV's and start on with their "Hey baby, parties over here!" bullshit be sure to use the following line:

"Thats a big truck baby" (if possible, stroke your hand across the driver side door in a sexy fashion) and finish with: "Compensating for something?"

Get's em everytime

If all else fails, use the following:

INSULT THE SIZE OF HIS MANHOOD WHILE THROWING IN SOME COMMENT ABOUT BEING A MINUTE MAN

Insulting a man about Little Boy Piper or his sexual performance is sure to get you a bitch label and a warning to his friends to leave your cold ass alone.

So enjoy your summer ladies with these few tips you're sure to have a great time.

Don't you cry tonight there's a Heaven above you Baby

Dear devotees,

Ashley is terribly sorry for her lack of blog updates, due to recent family issues and the fact that she is currently moving from her place I have been busy and not in the mood to post anything on my blog. I know you all come here for a laugh and don't want to listen to my ass get all depressed and emo on you so I thought it would be best for all of us that I didn't post until I was over my little funk.

But now I am back

Let the shit commence!

Here are some random photos I took in Florida, absolutely NOTHING special, but it's my blog and I'll damn well post them if I want.

This is a picture of one of my mom's German Short Hair Pointers. It was memorial day weekend and we decided that she needed a little hat, she disagreed.


This is my mom's Playboy Grotto. Or at least thats what I liked to call it, it's really just plastic rock that spews water.


More rock...


The Money Shot


(Yes, that is a margarita - Yes, I was drunk everyday by noon - No, I am not an alcoholic, they go to meetings - I'm a drunk)

This was my going away party with friends. We were all hammerd, I threw on a cowboy hat and did a pole dance....or two.....ok.....all night....I got attention, it was fun.


Thats all for now kiddies, I promise that I shall keep the blog updated more - have a great evening folks

ATTENTION:

Due to recent family issues I will not be updating my blog for a few days, sorry to the avid readers out there. I shall return to my regular scheduled blogging by next week.

Have a great weekend all.