You trying to tell me that its ok for a guy to get away with it but a girl gets named

So last night we go out to see my moms friend play. He's a musician and he was playing covers and some originals at a nice ocean front beach bar. All was going well until some asshole kept making comments directed towards our table. Things like, "Yah she's got a nice set of tits" and "Flip a coin, mom or daughter first" just stupid "macho" shit like that.

As the night progressed I was becoming increasingly annoyed and couldn't even enjoy the show because of this fuck-tard. Finally I just told the guy to shut the fuck up because the guy singing was my boyfriend and he wouldn't appreciate it.

(so its a blantant lie, my mom's friend is quite gay though you could never tell and obviously I am not dating her friend)

When the asshole asked my mom's friend if it was true he nodded his head and went on to take a break. The fucking dickhead, and I can't believe he said this ESPECIALLY in front of my mother said,

"Yah, she's your girlfriend all right.....tonight"

Now my mom was about to bust this dick's head in as he had no right to say shit about me. My mom can handle insults directed towards her, but when it comes to me or my brother she tends to go off the deep end. I calmed her down and told her to let it go. She eventually sat back down but the asshole wouldn't let off.

He caused this big fucking commotion talking smack that I don't even WANT to repeat because it was that explicit and uncalled for. He eventually had several people listening to his ranting and everyone was looking at me like, "Aren't you going to say something back?"

Seriously, it was like a freakin scene out of a movie. All eyes practically were on me waiting for me to make my move as this guy sat back with a smug look on his face feeling pretty good about himself. I just simply smiled and replied back,

"No way - I envy this guy actually. He has a choice pick of who he takes home tonight."

The dude looked rather puzzled until I said,

"Yah - right or left."

My mom, my mom's friend and I paid our tab and walked out leaving the guy to be mocked for being such a fucking idiot. I know this sounds kinda sketchy but it did happen and it was fucking hilarious. I love to see assholes like that fall on their faces when they see just how fucking stupid they actually are.

Ps. If anyone has been trying to call my cell in the past few days its a new one and I don't get any roaming service down here. I basically have to line myself up until I hit the satellite and all of the bars appear on my phone, its fucked - sorry.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts

And I've been drinking out of them since I got here!

I'm slighty intoxicated right now, so pardon me if this post is kinda fucked up.

It took forever for my plane to initially get here, it took the first plane I took 2 TIMES for it to take off. TWO FUCKING TIMES. The first time there was a "hot start" meaning that the plane sounded like it was going to take off but instead the engine stalled. As soon as the captain told me this I was a little disturbed and ready to get the fuck out of there but the stupid little voice in me said, "Do iiiiit...its flooooorida....you'll make it and come back with a sweeeet tan."

The second time we managed to get off ok even though I feared for my life.

When I landed my mother called me to inform me that she wasn't going to make it on time to pick me up so I had to get my luggage on my own and wait for her to get me. As I waited with all my shit for her to get me I was approached several times by security gaurds basically asking me if I was a goddamn drug mule just because I was waiting for my mother-stuck-in-traffic. I swear to God if one more person came up to me before she got there I was going to implant my fucking foot up their ass to show them how I get the cocaine in the balloon up there...goddamn morons.

The first day when I woke up I literally did dick-all. I drank pina colada's from a plastic coconut shell while floating around on a lawn chair in the pool. I got a killer sunburn which luckily disappeared by the next day. Nothing much to approach here.

The second night I went out to see VELVET REVOLVER with HOOBASTANK opening for them. IT WAS KICK FUCKING ASS!!! It really was. Slash had some wicked ass guitar solos and Scott Weiland has a killer fucking voice. When it was close to the end of the show (oh, by the way they were BOX SEATS because my mother kicks ass and knows people) Scott was running around and CAME TO MY BOX and continued singing a STP (Stone Temple Pilots) song and turned to me to say, "Hey baby, enjoying the show?" I nearly fucking died and now my mother brags to everyone, "Scott Weiland hit on my daughter" It was fucking awesome. GREAT SHOW.

Nothing really to report today, or yesterday. Sat around and did nothing like I originally intended. Went swimming even though it has been raining for like 4 days straight here which fucking sucks, but its Florida so I can live with it. I have pictures on my digital camera unforunately I left my cord at home so ya'll have to wait until I get back for them. Sorry kiddies.

All right, pizza guy is here so I'm signing off. But before I go I would like to draw your attention to this wonderful new product that I have discovered. Its:

JESSICA SIMPSONS TREATS LOTION

And it tastes JUST as good as it sounds! I got the body lotion in 3 flavors:
Cotton Candy
Banana Split
Toffee

It literally is body lotion, so it moisturizes the skin but if you lick it it tastes EXACTLY like whatever its named after. Thus far the BANANA SPLIT is my favorite. I suggest you girls pick this shit up because its fucking awsesome.



OK this is Ashley reporting from her vacation and now letting you go so I can get back to my movie and wings. HAVE FUN KIDDIES I SHALL KEEP IN TOUCH!

The Blond has Landed

Well not really, Im here at home (Brockville) typing a quick HELLO to fellow viewers of my blog mainly to just brag that come 5 am Tuesday I will be kicking back in a plane on my way to toast my white ass on Florida beaches.

How much do you hate me now??

I went tanning today to make sure that I didnt look entirely like a tourist when I stepped off the plane and I managed to burn the fuck out of myself. MY ass is burnt, my face is burnt and my stomach is burnt. I practically bathed myself in aloe vera because it hurts like a fucking bitch, I need to get rid of the color before tomorrow or else I shall be forced to cover myself (I look like a goddamn lobster).

Anyways, Im off to bed and "White Noise", I cant promise to keep my blog updated while I am gone, but I shall do my best. I have the digitial camera with me so I shall try to get some pictures of the trip up as well.

Take care kiddies, Auntie Ashley is off to surf and sand.

FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED...

I was reading the following blog: http://postsecret.blogspot.com/ And was inspired to reveal some secrets of my own. The difference between me and that site is that people post their secrets anonymously, I however am quite exposed.

Please feel free to share your secrets, just email them to me at reasonableinsomnia@yahoo.ca or leave them in the comment box. You can send them anonymously if you wish and I shall post them (if you do not want them posted on my blog please indicate so)

ASHLEY'S DIRTY LITTLE SKELETONS:

* Most of the time I feel as though my gerbils are the only ones worth talking to

* Due to extreme torment as a kid growing up (mostly being insulted in both elementary school and high school to the point where I would come home crying) to this day I still hate how I look. I pretend not to, but I wish I had a different hair color, that my nose was smaller, that my waist was smaller, that my breasts were a B cup and that I didn't have freckles. I have ugly feet too. I change my looks as much as possible with different colored hair dyes and stupid diets that don't even last until 6 pm. The only part about me that I wouldn't change would be my eyes. I have lovely baby blue eyes.

* One time when I was about 10 I wasn't invited to my neighbours birthday/swim party so that night I snuck over and peed in her pool.

* I slept with my math teacher

* Everyday I think about leaving everything behind and running away to LA to become an actress. The real world is boring.

* I date older men because I feel that they can offer me stability in my life. 99% of the time this isn't the case and they turn out to be bigger basket cases than myself.

* I'm fairly independant but every so often I would like someone to take control of my life and solve my problems for me.

* I wish my mom didn't leave my brother, myself and my dad when I was only 10. I had to grow up that day and I missed out on a normal childhood.

* I stole a kids milk in Sunday school because I dropped mine and I blamed it on my best friend. She still doesn't know to this day that it was I who ratted her out. (Sorry Sarah)

* My biggest fear is dying. I want to live forever

* I'm a hypochondriac. If you have it, I have it.

* I have only ever been in love ONCE. I've never told him and he broke my heart.

* I don't know who my biological father is, but he can get hit by a bus and go to Hell for all I care. I wouldn't shed a tear at his funeral.

* Secretly I am mad that my grandfather died because I had to hold back from going to University for a year to look after my grandmother. She still calls me every single day to harass me and make sure that I'll be in at a decent time

* I hate being the prodigy child in my family. On my mothers side practically everyone of my cousins has a criminal record and I am thus far the only one in the group who graduated high school to go onto University. Because of this I am constantly having people breathe down my neck and freak out if I get less than an A in any course. B's are never good enough.

* I flirt with guys with no intention of ever hooking up with them just so I can get what I want.

* I've considered stripping as a way of paying for school

* I'm still afraid of the Boogeyman.

The Softer Side of Ashley

Right.

I'm fucking bored waiting for my friends to call so we can get this dinner show on the road. I bought a new COWBOY HAT (I'm obsessed) so I decided to kill some time and take funky pictures of me wearing it.

Just shut up and enjoy it.











YEE HAW!

If Men had a Period...

...they'd brag about their tampon size.

I GOT OFF WORK EARLY!! Why? 'Cause I'm fucking special thats why.

No really, its because the ankle is fucking up on me again. I don't know whats wrong with it but this has got to stop. I'm giving in and going to see the doctor tomorrow to have it amputated if the swelling doesn't go down.

All right, so some dude thinks I'm too negative in my blog and thinks that I hate life.

Which I don't.

I'm just crotchety on here because I never am in person. I don't like whinning, bitching and complaining outside in the "real world" so I use my blog as an out let for all the things that piss me off. IS THAT A CRIME?? I ASK YOU!

But to please the kiddies, I will give you that list of things I actually do enjoy so you don't think I'm that much of a hard ass

THINGS ASHLEY LIKES:

* Odd numbers (especially 13, its my favorite but the number 2 is ok in my books)
* Heavy metal and classic 80's rock
* Hot wings tossed with blue cheese dressing
* Shiny objects
* PUMA bags
* Drinking sangria on a warm patio
* SUMMER BBQ'S WITH FRIENDS AND ALCOHOL!
* Animals of any kind. I'm more paticular to dogs than cats however. Cat's are kind of assholes, basically they want you to feed them and fuck right off dogs are more cuddly. I especially like pugs, they're so ugly their cute.
* Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee
* Sticky notes in various colors
* The shade black
* The Labyrinth (in fact, I may just go watch that now)
* Anything on serial killers or the paranormal.
* My mommy and daddy
* Warm baths with hot chocolate on cold winter nights
* Sleeping with the window open, making sure the room is at least -30 and wrapping myself up in a million blankets like a human cocoon
* Drinking apple cider while picking out a Christmas tree
* Those goddamn Christmas specials where the elf wants to be a dentist
* Riding the train, its peaceful.
* Broadway musicals - The Phantom of the Opera is by far my favorite
* 99 cent rental Horror movies
* Pornography (duurrr)
* CSI Las Veags - all the others can burn in Hell, especially YOU Miami
* Head massages
* Peircings, tattoos and various hair colors
* Jenny and Matt's dogs (goddamn thier addictive cuteness)
* The smell of fresh cut grass after the rain
* Tekken 3 for Playstation
* Eating cookies in bed knowing that I don't have to get up for anything the next day

There's a lot more, but that's just a taste of what Ashley likes. Oh yah, Ashley also likes talking in the third person.

WEIRD THINGS ASHLEY DOES JUST BECAUSE SHE IS ASHLEY AND WEIRD LIKE THAT:

* I cover all my mirros before I go to sleep at night, I've done that since I was a kid. I don't know what it is about mirrors at night time but they freak me the fuck out

* I can't stand when the microwave doesn't have the time but un-used minutes by whoever used it prior. I always have to clear it otherwise it bothers me

* I jump out of bed in the middle of the night to make sure that my feet don't go anywhere close to the bottom of the bed, I can't even sleep with ANY body part hanging over the side of my bed. I still fear the boogeyman

* I play with my hair constantly for no paticular reason, probably vanity.

* I can't fall asleep unless there is a movie playing on my computer. Fuck I'm retarded.

* I can never drink chocolate milk straight from the carton I always have to put half a cup of milk in it as well or else its too strong

* I tend to never call people back when they leave messages on my voicemail

* I'm an impulse buyer, I buy things because I want to not because I need them.

* I always make my bed in the morning or it bothers me for the rest of the day if my room isn't clean. (Weird, I know)

Once again, there's more that could be added to that list but I'm tired and I'm going to watch a movie.

4 Days Suckahs

And my pasty white ass while be sipping Pina Colada's from coconuts on a warm sunny beach. Commence your hating....

NOW!

I worked a long ass shift last night and had a walk out. It really pisses me off how people purposely come into a restaurant to eat knowing that they are going to skip out before the bill gets there. Working the patio is the worst because its so fucking EASY to walk out as our bathrooms are downstairs.

"But wait, doesn't the company cover it? I mean, they can't possibly make YOU pay for a dine and dash, thats illegal!"

WRONG!

Yes, legally they can't make the server pay for the walk out, they do have to cover it HOWEVER, they can also make an excuse to fire your incompetant ass for not watching your section properly. Its a Catch 22. You're fucked if you do and you're fucked if you don't. The bill was only $17.81 or something like that and I made over $200 last night which easily covered the costs but its the principle of the matter.

So for all you ignorant little punks out there who think that it's harmless and fun to do a dine and dash take warning: I WILL RECOGNIZE YOUR FACE YOU FUCKING PUNK AND I WILL HUNT YOUR ASS DOWN SHOULD I SEE YOU ANYWHERE ON THE STREET AND MAKE YOU PAY.

It's goddamn hot out there today, gonna be some good business. I'm off to my second last shift before sun, sand and Chippendale beach - jocks.

WALKING WAR ZONE!

I went home early from work today for 2 reasons

1) It was dead
2) I've sprained my ankle.

Now mind you, the "sprained" part is completely self diagnosed but this ain't no regular twisted ankle. Sharp pains keep shooting up my foot and its swelled. I have no idea how I managed to do this but I do know that it hurts like a mother-fucking-cock-sucking-fucking-goddamn-bitch.

This is what the online medical dictionary has told me to make me believe that my ankle is in fact sprained:

What does a sprained ankle feel like? A sprained ankle can be very painful. But
the speed of onset and the severity of the pain can vary greatly. Sometimes, the
pain can be delayed, at other times it is instant. The level of pain is not
always a measurement of the extent of the damage. Some people hear a 'pop' in
their ankle. This could suggest a torn ligament. The twist is followed by
swelling of the area.

I didn't feel anything the entire night nor do I recall doing anything that would have made my ankle become twisted. The pain suddenly occured as I was serving a table. I nearly crippled over and fell onto their pitcher of beer it hurt that fucking bad.

Medical doctor has also informed me of the following:

There are no actual danger signs but after a sprain you may feel your ankle
is unstable, you may have problems controlling it, or you may have balance
problems when standing on the affected foot. In these circumstances, it is
essential to get advice about appropriate physiotherapy treatment and
exercise.

Now, being the stubborn bitch that I am I refuse to go to the doctors to have it looked at tonight instead I'm riding it out with some Tylenol in the hopes that the pain goes away by tomorrow as I do have to and want to work. If the swelling doesn't go down I am for lack of better words: FUCKED.

I think it's a GRADE 1 injury as there is only minor swelling and a moderate amount of pain. For the love of everything Holy please let this fucking calm down by tomorrow or I'm going to be one nasty little cun-----er.... bitch.

Whats more painful than PAIN?

Scraping your fucking foot across cement and taking off half your skin and big toe nail in the process. JESUS H CHRIST!

I was walking back from the grocery store with my full chicken meal deal (as I am far too lazy to cook tonight and my kitchen looks like a war zone anyways compliments of the roomates) and I tripped causing my thong sandal to fold underneath my foot which I proceeded to scrape across the hard cement. It fucking KILLS right now and was bleeding profusely. I hobbled my crippled ass back home, sprayed some bactine on the bitch and bandaged it. Mind you I'm no Florence Nightengale so it looks relatively half-assed.

Where the fuck is a club scout with a badge in health when you need one??

Now that that painful drama is out of the way, I scored 4 new DVD's today because I am an addict.

Carrie
Brokedown Palace
Friday the 13th (I think it's the 3rd one)
White Noise

I almost considered getting "Hellraiser I and II" since they were selling them as a set but I backed out of purchasing them. I first watched the Hellraiser series with an ex I dated on and off for nearly 6 years and I didn't want to be reminded of his sorry ass. Stupid bastard breaks up with me because of a fucking age difference? Not to get into any details but I am never usually the "dumpee" but usually the "dumper". My Prince Charmings usually turn out to be complete assholes after I get to know them. Mama always told me to stay away from the bad boys - but it's fucking innate.

Chicks dig assholes.

All right, I'm off to eat chicken and fries. Let me know if anything exciting happens.

House of Wax? More like House that LACKS!

Oh, aren't I clever.



All right, so I caved and went to see what the hell all the buzz was about with that Paris whatever movie "House of Wax". The verdict?

I should have stayed at home and washed my hair or something.

Now, its not like I was expecting anything spectacular mind you, this movie did star Paris Hilton (surprisingly enough her clothes were on for the majority of the film) and some teeny bopper who recently starred in a video as an old Porn Star. I expected it to be your typical campy horror flick but I never expected it to be THIS bad.

Let Ashley Ebert point out some of the many flaws in the film.

****DISCLAIMER****
IF YOU HAVE YET TO SEE THE MOVIE AND YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO SPOIL IT (not that I could possibly do anything worse to make that peice of shit any shittier) THEN DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER

1) None of the supposed "actors" can actually act. Each line sounds forced and void of any human emotion. I've heard better screaming from my roomates bedroom.

2) The killers have been stabbed, shot with a cross bow in the arm chest, kicked in, beaten with a baseball bat and set on fire yet they DON'T FUCKING DIE! Don't people who get shot with a fucking arrow through the chest normally DIE WHEN THEY PULL THE FUCKING THING OUT? Christ.

3) Our ex porn star heroine has her finger chopped off and it bleeds profusely. Judging by the amount of blood she lost most people would have passed out or died from that sort of blood loss. Not our girl though! The little slugger manages to race around for another hour or so chasing the bad guys and kicking ass.

4) Its a known fact that the killer NEVER DIES the first time you beat the shit out of them and stab them. When our "heros" knocked the fuck out of the killer the first time they leave him with his goddamn shot gun. Why. In. The. Fuck. Not only did they FAIL to check his pulse to make sure he was fucking dead they left him with his weapon.

5) Too many Paris sexual innuendos and stabs at her infamous "Oh mommy is calling my cell phone I had better answer it" sex tape.

6) The only guy who really could act was killed off within the first 20 mins of the movie.

7) The ending had to have been the most pathetic, un realistic and dragged out ending I have ever endured in a movie.

FOR FUTURE REFERENCE: I've decided to help out the film-makers and the actors for the next time they create a horror movie. This will hopefully fix those nasty flaws that so many other horror films have made:

1) If you ever find yourself being chased by a machete weilding maniac in a 3 storey house of wax try to run OUT THE FRONT DOOR and not up to the third fucking floor.

2) Being a female the less clothes you have on the more likely that you will be killed.

3) Never EVER under any circumstances have sex, thats when you will die as the killer plunges a knife through your boyfriend as he is riding you into you. Sex means death. Don't do it.

4) Having a cell phone is virtually useless. One of two things will happen 1- You will have no reception wherever you are anyways or 2- You will drop it by the killer and he will find out where all your friends are waiting for you. SO DON'T BRING A FUCKING CELL PHONE. It will be of no use.

5) Always, ALWAYS make sure that the killer has no pulse after you've burned, stabbed, mutilated, drowned, thrown out of a window from 20 stories and beaten him. He's probably still alive and will come back to pick off another of your friends. It's best to chop his fucking head off just to make sure.

6) If you're a girl you're fucked. Always carry a knife on you or something since you will eventually get caught, tied up, duct taped and your boyfriend will come looking for you and get killed in the process of doing so. If you have something with which you can cut rope you're gaurenteed to save YOUR life and your lovers life.

7) If you find out that you're to work alongside of Paris Hilton quit then. Nothing good can come from it and you may just save your potential movie career.

All right, that said if you still want to see the movie by all means do so. I would just suggest waiting 10 years until its placed on the "Campy Horror Movie That Nobody Enjoyed" shelf at 99 cents a rental.

Holy Fuck-tacular!

I just got back from the movies, (yes I went by myself - I don't give a shit sometimes I just like doing things alone) and saw MINDHUNTER which is also the title of one of my FAVORITE John Douglas novels. Douglas is an FBI profiler who recently retired from the Quantico headquarters in Virginia. You can find his site here: www.johndouglasmindhunter.com

Mr Douglas is like my goddamn Messiah. I would fucking kill to be a criminal profiler (no pun intended) unfortunately being in pansy-ass Canada where dick all happens (minus Bernardo, Olson and Pickton) we only have 5 serving criminal profilers. Profiling isn't exactly high in demand here so I would have to move to the States in order to pursue a career in criminal profiling.

Anyways, back to the movie. Basically its about a group of FBI profiler trainess who are sent out to an old Naval base for a simulation. There they encounter a serial killer dead set on picking them off by each individual weakness one by one. I loved the movie because it used words and phrases most people wouldn't know about unless they were a police officer OR they have studied criminology. Regardless, it was still an amazing movie. It really had you guessing who the killer was. One minute you think its someone, then suddenly you realize it isn't them so you're left guessing once again "Who the FUCK is the killer?"

So go see the fucking movie or I'll hunt you down. I expect a full report from you kids proving to me that you have seen it. And just because you're all that special to me I'll help you out with some of the terms they use:

UNSUB - Unidentified Subject (that term comes up a lot in the movie)

VICAP - Violent Criminal Apprehension Program (its actually a computer program that the FBI invented which categorizes unsolved crimes by victimology, profile of the offender, crime scene evidence, M.O. signature, etc - whenever a new case comes in the FBI loads in the basics of the case into the program to see if there has been another similar crime that has been committed and potentially link the two cases)

M.O. - Modus Operandi (how the killer kills. How did he position the body? What did he kill her with? Was there rape pre/post mortem? Any "souveniers" taken?)

Souveniers - A typical serial killer usually takes a "souvenier" to remind him of his victim and his kill. Usually it's a body part or peice of jewelry. Sometimes the killer even gives his victims jewelry to his girlfriend.

Signature - There are paticular things that a killer has to do in order to satisfy his sadistic lust. Whether that be carving his initials into a victim or removing certain body parts the signature of a crime indicates what the killer HAS to do in order to be satisfied with his kill. Signatures are especially useful in linking crimes. (Not to be confused with the M.O.)

So there you have it, now you have to go out and watch the movie.

Before I leave, I would like to play a game with you because I really am that bored. I have left a picture of a serial killer and a brief description of his crimes. Its your job to tell me who they are. Quite simple really.

First person to get them all right gets a prize that has yet to be determined. Good luck, "Detective"

EASY

Before this mudering Canadian couple took the lives of two schoolgirls, the "man of the house" was raping girls waiting by busstops and was dubbed by the media as the Scarbourough Rapist. The female is due to be released this upcoming July.


This cannibal had a "taste" for young men. He would pick gay men up in bars, take them home, drug them, rape them, killl them, keep the corpses and consume body parts. He was killed in prison by another inmate

MODERATE


This "lady killer" had a lust for brunette co-eds who parted their hair in the middle. Working alongside of Anne Rice in a Rape Crisis center he planned on becoming a lawyer but instead ended up as one of the most notorious serial killers in history.


Also known as "Pogo" the clown at children's birthday parties this serial killer killed over 33 young men in the Chicago area and buried them in the basement of his house.



The media called him "The Son of Sam", the police called him a cold killer. This killer would use a shot gun to blast away young couples in Lover's Lane while claiming to be commanded by a demon living in his neighbours dog.

DIFFICULT
(If you can get this one, I will be really surprised and impressed)


One of the first black serial killers in American history, this serial killer murdered young boys and scattered their bodies along the ravines in Atlanta. Dubbed "The Atlanta Child Murdere" John Douglas used a profile to catch him dumping his last victim over the side of a bridge. He still maintains his innocence to this day and his case has since been re-opened.

Little Annoyances

* People who walk side by side super slow on the sidewalk or in a hallway making it impossible for you to pass by them. Next time, I'm kicking legs in.

* People who talk so loud on cell phones the whole goddamn bus, street, City, Province etc. can hear them. None of us really want to know what brand of hemroid cream you use or how long you lasted the night before. No. One.

* Friends who make plans for whatever time, call later to say that they're going to be a little late, call back again and swear they will be there any minute, call back once more to say that they are totally on their way, call back one last time to say they ran into their ex and they're going to spend time with him instead.

* People who literally SCREAM AS THEY TALK TO EACH OTHER FROM ONE END OF THE TABLE TO THE OTHER EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE REALLY ONLY A FOOT AWAY BUT THEY HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE IN THE PLACE HEARS THEM OTHERWISE THEY'RE NOT AS ANNOYING AS THEY COULD POTENTIALLY BE.

* Ginos. Your "macked out" camaro and fake bling doesn't impress me. If I wanted to run my fingers through some dippity doo grease up hair and date a guy who wears blue tinted sunglasses 24 hrs like a fucking vampire maybe I'd consider giving you my number. Oh, and the names "Ashley" not "Bella"

* People who don't shower and sit beside me on the bus causing me to pinch my neck in an attempt to knock myself out before the putrid stench does.

* Sleazeballs who get a small slap on the wrist, 12 months probation AND NO JAIL TIME for possessing and distributing Child Pornography. Oh, but it wasn't "hardcore" or anything. No penetration just young kids being taped in the nude, terrified, not understand whats going on, whats happening to them, being exploited for the world to see. Child pervs should be taken out back and shot, there is no greater crime than harming an innocent child. Judges who let these sick idiots off should also be taken out back and shot. Twice.

* Bosses who give you shitty hours because you won't fuck them or their porn-stache

* The fact that I have to pay an additional $25 dollars a day to rent a car just because I am under 25. Thats ridiculous. I hope they charge old people $50 more just because I've seen them drive

* PEOPLE WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TO PROPERLY USE A TURN SIGNAL.
1) Only turn the signal on when you actually INTEND on turning
2) After said turn, turn signal off immediately
3) Turn signal goes on BEFORE the turn, NOT DURING

Really people, that isn't fucking hard.

* When I run out o f Lucky Charms and I'm too damn lazy to get off my ass to get more.

* Britney Spears being pregnant. Can you imagine her with a kid? I can just imagine what she'll call it, "Kid-Kid" or something fucking ridiculous like that. Her trashy husband and her will make a great trailer park family in about a year, just wait.

* My obsession with PUMA bags and how its going to send me to the poor house

* Karaoke goers who think they are the greatest singers ever and try to bump themselves ahead of everyone when really they sound like a cat giving birth to a Buffalo.

* People who tell me to be more positive when blogging - I got your emails Melissa, if you don't like it tough shit. www.teletubbies.com You can induldge your sick happy fantasies there, freak.


Stay tuned, Tomorrow I will write about things I do like if you can believe it.

I'm a walking fad

Flavoured water is Le Shit. I bought some the other day to try it out in 3 different flavours:

Orange - which tastes like lysol sprayed into a water bottle, I wouldnt suggest it
Lemon - which tastes excellent, thus far its my favorite
Strawberry - I'm kind of on the fence about this one, I think I like it but I'll need to give it another run just to make sure.

I think the next few flavours they bring out will most likely be:
Watermelon
Coffee
Black cherry
Heroin

It's raining today which means I may not have to go to work. This makes me happy. This also means I can sit around on my ass and watch it grow as I order pizza and watch 'The Princess Bride' because I am that much of a loser.

I went out on Thursday night after my shift since it started to rain they told me I could go home. I went drinking instead

I'm an idiot.

My fellow co workers picked me up and we almost had to swing into Hull to pick up some alcohol since it the fucking liqour stores here close at 10. What the fuck is up with that? No wonder Quebec wants to seperate from us goddamn prudes! In Quebec you can walk down the street smoking a joint and drinking yourself stupid and no one will say a goddamn thing, Hell, they'd probably JOIN you.

Here in Ontario you'd get your ass so busted by the cops, detained in the drunk tank, pay a sizeable fee and watch as the cops swipe your shit AND YOU CAN'T SAY A GODDAMN THING. Fuck you Parliment, I'm moving to Quebec with the hot strippers.

So anyways, we go out to Dana's place, try to chug one of those new Blue Shocks, which none of us sucessfully did because they do taste like piss and beer in a can. We all got changed and geared up for the night. By the time we reached the bar we were all pretty much smashed which made the evening more exciting. Especially when I nearly fell off the stage drunk and beat the crap out of some guy who grabbed my ass. I'm going to get a t-shirt that reads, "No Touchy The Tushy". It was 90's night so we proceeded to dance the night away to songs I remember listening to as I was growing up. It was rather depressing really considering I'll be 22 this year.

22 is going to blow.

Seriously, I wanted to stop at 19.

At 19 you can drink, party, gamble, drive - all at the same time if you so please, 22 you just sit back and watch your hair fall out and your metabolism fuck off. When I was a kid I could literally eat 15 chocolate bars at one sitting, if I ate one now my ass would explode out of my jeans. There was once a time when I was a kid that I made sure my Barbie's were no older than 18 because after that you were old and should be committed to the Nursing home.

Holy Christ I'm depressed now.

But back to the party, there wasn't much to report after getting horrible smashed, freaking on some random loser, having the bus boy with all the tattoos attempt to make googly eyes at me, wandering around aimlessly looking for the rest of my party and devouring 2 slices of pizza in the cab afterwards.

I have this theory about drinking you know, I really don't think you get fat from drinking beer and alcohol. I think the fat comes AFTER when you are drunk and crave pizza with gravy and chili dogs. I bet if Alcoholics Anonymous and Slim Fast merged together they'd make a fucking killing.

I can see the slogan now, "Kick that monkey off your back and eat a fucking salad you fat bastard. You too can lose weight and the habit in 2 weeks or your money back!"

I could market it easily.

Give em' what they asked for kid

All riiiiight.

Goddamn you people are fucking pushy.

You want a nice, happy, pleasant, "Oh the world is full of rainbows and sunshine!" post to satisfiy your sickening lust for the good in this world??? Is that what you want?? Will that make you happy like a little teletubby on an LSD high?

All right, lets test this "being nice" thing for a moment.

I'm going to Florida in T-Minus 13 days. I get to sit on a beach all day and UV my ass and sip Pina Coladas until I puke coconut. Then I get to go see Velvet Revolver at a lawn show where I will proceed to get hammered with my mother and the Captain[Morgan] and most likely flash Slash from GnR - just because he is Slash. Chances are we are going to hit a few karaoke bars so my mother can live vicariously through me since she can't sing worth shit.

I will be going to the strippers at some point because lets face it, Florida chicks are hot. Naked Florida chicks are even hotter. Except for the nasty ones that tan with their suits on so they have HORRIBLE tan lines that make them look like trailer trash.

All the while I'll be laughing at the working stiffs in this world as I walk around all day in a bathing suit soaking up the sun and getting a wicked tan. I'll be frequenting the outdoor patio bars and drinking martinis containing alcohol I can't even pronounce. VISA was kind enough to send me a new card so I intend to fill it up before I come back.

Hows THAT for happy now suckahs?

Ps. Ryan, my last name is "Jesus Christ Superstar" - my parents were Broadway groupies.

Goodness Gracious

Jesus, I leave for a few minutes and I go from 2 comments to 13....Christ.

Anyways, I dont HATE my job. I HATE certain aspects of it. Those aspects I have clearly indicated in my most recent post. I am actually a quite cheerful and easy going individual in the "real world" even at work. I've had many a people tell my boss that they had great service and have yet to hear of one person saying that I was a total bitch and treated them like crap.

Yes, there are asshole tables
Yes, there are good tables
Yes, you're never going to always get the good tables.
But I deal with it.

And I vent about it when it really bothers me. I use MY BLOG as an outlet for venting.

Yes, I understand that there are people out there doing jobs far worse than my own and being paid peanuts, I have nothing but respect for those individuals. But you can't use the argument, "If you don't like it quit I work X many hours with back breaking labour and get paid shitty money and my job sucks blah blah I hate it...blah blah" because that's hypocritical.

My job isn't a fucking cake walk either people. If you have never served you wouldn't understand:

You have to kiss ass to hopefully make a decent 5 dollar tip off a table, even if they treat you like shit you have to smile and take it or else you're fired.

You run around consistently on your feet (most of my shifts range from 8 - 10 hrs straight) carrying heavy trays, bus-bins, plates etc etc and after about 3 hrs of this your spine gives you the finger and attempts to jump out of your back.

On top of that, you make a cool $6.50/hr which is ridiculous. I understand we are expected to make it up in tips, but it doesn't always work out that way.

Oh, and if you have never worked a crowded patio in +32 degree weather in black pants and a black top while running up and down 2 flights of stairs because the kitchen is on the first floor for 8 hrs then kindly shut the fuck up and don't tell me my job is easy.

Why do I stay? Because there are times where the money is decent and I HAVE to make tips otherwise I couldn't afford rent OR my tuition. Mommy and Daddy don't pay shit for my school nor do I expect them to. I need to work in the restaurant industry to pay for my 5 grand a year tuition. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life and I refuse to be a spoiled brat so I pay my shit and the restaurant does it for me. Yah, its easy to say "Get a new job then" but when its the only way I can pay my bills minus spinning around a pole naked I'm somewhat stuck.

And with all the B.S. one deals with in this type of industry I would certainly hope you people understand how one needs to take a few minutes out of their time to vent otherwise I'd start fucking shooting people.

It actually makes me wonder how many people who commented negatively in regard to my post have actually worked in the industry....

"Nipple" is a funny word

I just finished my 8th shift in a row tonight and let me tell you, I'ma fucking millionaire with fabulously toned legs and a high profile rifle ready to pick off the next person to piss me off*

*Ok, I lied, I know dick all about guns and I'd probably end up shooting off my own tit if I even held on...but I am on the edge and taking people with me

I don't have a day off this entire week because some chick at work got poison ivy
HOW IN THE FUCK DO YOU GET POISON IVY?? (heh Carly)

"Oh, this patch of 3 leaf weeds looks pretty, I think I'll roll around in it for a while just for the sheer hell of it"

Seriously, what the fuck?

Anyways, I'm exhausted and a little bitter with the world, especially with customers. I'm ESPECIALLY tired with the following server shit:

1- Cheap tippers who think they're fucking king shit when they leave 2.50$ on a 25$ bill. Go fuck yourselves, seriously. It's 15% asshole, unless I kick you in the balls and spit in your burger 10% doesn't exactly cut it.

2- "Oh, I'll just have water" "Yah, me too." "Yah, water here" - Die. Die. Die. We have a whole fucking canal in our backyard, go nuts and leave this table open for people who actually want to spend money you welfare cases***

***I should mention that if you order water to go with your meal and drink that is totally acceptable. I do the same as well, I mention this simply because there are people out there who are cheap enough to split a freakin 5 dollar plate of nachos AND DRINK WATER then proceed to sit in my section for an hour taking up a table that can be used for people who intend to spend money.

3- French bitches who give me attitude because they think they're so high and goddamn mighty with their accents then tip so poor even kids in Mexico making shoes would think that its whacked.

4- PEOPLE WHO PUT DIRTY NAPKINS AND CRAP IN THEIR GLASSES NEED TO BE TAKEN OUT BACK AND SHOT! ITS FUCKING GROSS AND I HAVE TO CLEAN IT YOU GODDAMN INBRED! NAPKINS DO NOT BELONG IN PINT GLASSES!

5- People who yell at me to come to their table when I am CLEARLY serving another table. Its fucking rude and annoying, you wait your goddamn turn or I shall be forced to leave "presents" in your spinach salad.

6- I especially love you people who him-and-haw about what beer you want, you ask me whats on draught, make me run down the goddamn list, think about it even more when my other tables are waiting for me, contemplate whether or not you want a pitcher, perhaps just half a pint or maybe just a rum and coke.....whats on tap again? <---- You will burn in hell for your lack of brain cells you retarded fuck.

7- Don't hit on me when I am working. If I want your pervy ass believe me, I'll pick you up. Hitting on your server means you're either desperate or that fucking retarded to think I'm going to hand my boss my apron and run off with you into the sunset. I'm working, I don't want you to be trying to get into my pants as I ask you how you want your steak done. What time do I get off at? Never.

8- If you are sitting so far away from where I can reach, when I hand you your plate be a little fucking considerate and at least attempt to grab it from me instead of making me pull some acrobatics and reach over to set it down in front of you. I am a server, not your goddamn slave you lazy little fuck.

9- WHEN I ASK YOU IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE DON'T FUCKING SAY NO THEN WHEN I RETURN TO YOUR TABLE ASK FOR SOMETHING ELSE. I WILL IGNORE YOUR IGNORANT ASS AND PURPOSELY FORGET TO RETURN WITH WHATEVER ITEM YOU ASKED FOR.

Last but not least....

10 - If you so much as even THINK of leaving me pennies for the change in your bill I will take them and promptly shove them down your cheap ass throat. Pennies are a fucking insult, DON'T EVER FORGET THIS!

You know, I feel better now.... I'm ready for Day 9 tomorrow. God have pity on the souls who fail to comply to my list of server demands.

Ps. I should mention that if you want to be linked to my blog you should email me your name and homepage and I shall update my blog roll accordingly. Merci and have a wonderful evening kiddies.

WHATS HOT AND WHATS NOT (May Ed.)

I've decided that I am now going to post a list of "Whats Hot and Whats Not" each month a la Ashley.

You don't have to necessarily agree with me, you just have to accept it bitch.*

*I kid, I love you all. Even you "Steve"

HOT NOT

CSI Las Vegas CSI NY OR Miami

Frozen Caramel Mocchiatos Tim Horton's Ice Cap

Converse Hi Tops Converse Hi Top Stillettos in pink

Working double shifts for extra cash Working the pole for extra cash

Bright, vibrant eye shadow colors Dark, gothic shady eyeshadow colors

Holding your sweetys hand in public Holding your sweetys crotch in public

Marylin peircings Eyebrow rings

Blogger/Blogspot LiveJournal

David Bowie Elton John

Carmen Electra "Stripperaerobics" vid Jane Fonda workout vid

Taking Criminology Taking Criminology BECAUSE of CSI

Sunbathing outside on your porch Mystic Spray On Tan in several shades of ORANGE

John Stewart Michael Moore

That is all. Feel free to add. (Sorry for the fucked up alignment)

Cream Soda is the New CrackCocaine

It really is.... because I really have nothing to say I'm going to give you a random list with no real theme to it....

1 - 4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions

2 - I apparently look like Tara Reid (minus the fucked up mutant tit)

3 - Contrary to popular belief, Lemmings don't actual committ suicide, documentarians have been chasing them over cliffs and into the water for years to make it look like they do

4 - Lemmings is also a computer game dating back to the days of C:/DOS

5 - I have no idea what the fuck C:/ DOS is

6 - Men can be degenerate scum. Especially Lebanese greaseballs (no offence to anyone other than the assholes who fall under this category) who attempt to cat call me and pinch my ass at work. Im sorry, I work at the Fox not Hooters - wrong animal you fucking dirtball.

7 - I need to win the lottery and buy myself an island filled with rescued Animals.

8 - I'm still not a huge fan of even numbers.

9 - I still haven't paid my rent because I'm a lazy sod

10 - Oriental Rice Snack Mix is the new heroin

11 -People who order beer, then use a fake UK accent to say, "Cheers love" should be shot on the spot

12 - Half the lingerie in my drawers still have the tags on them, I'm an addict

13 - I own a pair of fuzzy monkey slippers with the bottoms nearly ripped completely off because I wear them too often

14 - I want to go to Japan

15 - I've eaten dog biscuts and cat food before, they both taste like ass if ass had a taste

16 - Florida - HA Suckas

I'm off to get ready for work. Its a beautiful 23 degrees here and I'm working a beer tub tonight. OOO the excitement.

New Roomate!

My new roomate is moving in now! He'll be here in about 10 mins to move all his shit in.

How exciting!


....ITS ALSO 3 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING AND MY ASS HAS TO BE UP FOR 9....

Jesus Aaron.

It's a good thing he doesn't read this shit.

All right, I've been noticing a few new faces around these parts, so if you want your ass added to my blog roll gimmie your blog/web addy and I shall do so.

Funniest thing I've heard all day: "Take of your low shoes and put on your ho shoes"

Christ....3 fucking AM

I called in sick to work

QUICK! I have to work tomorrow and I need a 24/hr ailment or something. I'm not actually sick, just tired and didn't feel like working today!

Stomach bug?
Something I ate?
Something I didn't eat?

All night bender? (which is the actual cause of me not going to work, fuck you girls for allowing me to get that fucking hammered)

What's going to work for me because tomorrow I'll be coming in as the fucking epitome of good health and I don't want them to be mad at me for most likely faking it

Fuck Count: 3 (not bad)

Ps. I also got a B in my Research Methods For Behavioural Sciences class.

"Heeeere's Rainbow!"

*Thanks to Johnny V for emailing this to me...

WHAT THE BEAR DOES WHEN NOBODY'S LOOKING - captured by hidden camera

Why do you hate me so?

I was seriously hoping for some freezing rain this morning because now I have to go to work on the fucking cold ass patio all afternoon then close the restaurant tonight.

Who the fuck schedules people for opens and closes on the same fucking day?? Honestly.

And I know they have at least 3 other people they can call in and they won't. They'll call my ass in instead to open the patio, sit around and wait for a few fucking retards who think its O.K. to catch pneumonia as you eat and sip your goddamn waters / coffees on the patio.

Seriously, Ottawa is FUCKED UP. It could be O degrees outside but as long as there is some sunlight people go fucking beserk and start walking around in flip flops and Hawaiin prints. Christ.


Fuck Counts: 8

(I'm going to count these from now on and hopefully try to remedy my addiction with the word.)

I found this on the net and I thought we could play a little game: Who's Nasty Ass Fucked (dammit) Up Boob Job Does This Belong To?

If I close my eyes forever will it all remain the same

I slept in past 2 pm today. It was fucking great.

Then I went to do my laundry, went tanning and will be running over to the grocery store for a ready-cooked chicken meal. I bought a few new movies the other night so I plan to sit on my growing ass for the entire evening and drink a bottle of red to myself.

I would now like to draw you attention to the following item:



What is it?

If any of you were like me, you would sit around Saturday mornings watching these rainbow creatures scurry around fighting bad guys as you were fucked up on several bowls of pure sugar with milk. In my day we called it, "Coco Puffs" or "Count Chocula", do they still sell that stuff? Now that I am old and having to watch my figure as my metabolism is slowing down so I'm forced to buy Raisin Bran and Natures Crunch. Basically bran flakes with some fucking fruit bits sprinkled on top.

Anyways, this doll is POSESSED.

I shit you not. My mom mailed me the parcel in a kind gesture to remind me of my vast Care Bear collection when I was a child. She saw it in a store and decided that she would buy it and mail it to me for that old Nostalgic feel. I took it out of the bag, squeezed its belly and it went,

"Rainbows are pretty! Im a care bear!"

Cute. I know.

I set it on my desk and continued to email some friends about this weekend.

Suddenly,

"Let's be friends!"

I look over at the doll, which I DIDN'T touch and it starts to speak again. I ignore it and go back to my email.

5 minutes later,

"I love you!"

So I'm getting a little freaked out by this point and decide to take out the battery pack (which is circled beside the doll) to see if maybe it's pushed in. Nothing unusual about it so I shrug it off and go back to business.

A few minutes later,

"Lets hold hands!"

I tossed that mother fucking bear half way across the room freaked out, emailed my mom about the Satanic ball of fur and she replies back with the following,

You ungrateful wench. Why do we bother to send you anything? I got it because you used to have one when you were little. I thought a little nostalgia would brighten your day. Lots of thanks I get for being the nice, cool mommy. I didn’t know it was a chucky doll.

Christ, she throws me in the hands of a colorful CHUCKY DOLL and gives me shit for not appreciating the fucking demons she's brought into my house. I swear to God she's trying to kill me.

Old people are like cats

I work with morons.

Not my co-workers, my managers.

Fucking idiots, all of them.

They call me in this morning to work the patio

1) Its raining
2) I'm supposed to go back in and work tonight
3) IM THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON THEY CALL IN

So i go into work at 11. Set up the entire patio BY MYSELF (which took me an hour since it takes 5 of us 30 mins to do it - you do the math) I had to wipe down all the tables and chairs with a dry cloth since it has been raining non-stop for the entire week.

I get everything set up, a few brave souls sit outside in the -15000 weather then all of a sudden these clouds come and WHOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSHHHHHH (thats my raining-like-a-mother-fucker-sound) the rain just starts POURING down. People are running like chickens with their heads cut off, I'm trying to clear everything off WHILE GETTING SOAKED may I add and my boss comes sauntering out after 10 minutes of heavy downpour and says this,

"Oh. Its raining"

I want to scream at him and claw his fucking eyeballs out. I was tempted to thank him for stating the obvious Captain. Instead I kept my mouth shut, cleaned up the mess and began to take down the patio.

THEN HE TELLS ME TO KEEP EVERYTHING SET UP IN CASE IT STOPS RAINING!

I'm like, listen mother fuck, its supposed to rain all fucking day I refuse to sit here on my ass SOAKING wet waiting for Mother Nature to get some fucking Midol for her PMS. I tell him I'm closing up shop because there is no way people are going to want to sit out in that sopping mess.

We get into this huge heated argument that ended with me taking down the patio and leaving, soaking wet. My other boss called me 20 mins after I left on my cell and we cleared things up so it's all good.

Fuck why WHY do I work for lab monkeys?????? Jesus Christ...