Apparently my life is EASY

According to my mother my life is sooo easy. Today I had most of the day off as I waited to go to class at 4 then again at 6 and I got my hair cut at 3. So I emailed her to let her know about my day and asked her some randomly stupid questions to which she replied:

"Dont you have anything better to do?"

I wrote back, "Not really. I'm getting my hair cut at 3 then I have class from 4 - 9"

She replied, "Wow. It must be nice to have it so easy."

Now....hear this Mother:

I work this weekend:

Fri 11 am - 3 am
Sat : See above
Sun: See above

Add to that 4 exams in the month of April.
The 14th, 16th, 26th, 28th

Add 50 - 60 hrs of regular weekly hours.

Now after you've done the following calculations Mom, consider the fact that any money I make after graduating and getting a job will go towards YOUR pureed squash and prune juice in the nursing home.

Sorry for the 72 hrs you were in labour with my 10 lbs 5 oz. ass but don't freakin' tell me that I gots it easy!


*Note: I do love my momma..she's just an annoyance at times.

I have no life...

Gangsta Rodents. Rap Master Starsky Bones and DJ Hutch 2 Bills in the house fo shizzle

KABLAAAM!

That was the sound of my stomach exploding. I worked today from 11 am until 12 midnight and my feet feel as though they are about to fall off. I ended up getting a 20 min break to have some lunch so instead of the sushi that I had PLANNED on having, I was forced to eat our own deep fried greasey food.

I now regret it.

In about 2 secs I'll be coupled over holding myself in the fetal position crying because the pain is too much to bear. Chances are I'll have Cher playing in the background to keep my mind off the pain.

I'll have everyone's links added to my site shortly, I've been working like some mexican kid in a sweatshop (don't give me the "you're so terrible! how can you say such things!" either because I gaurentee these kids are making more than me) so I haven't had the time to edit my blog lately. But as soon as I do, I shall have all your little linky-poos up.

1....2.......3.......going down.....

I consumer whored it today. I've been waiting forever for this bag to come in and it finally came today. Its a hell of a lot bigger than it looks...I fucking love it. 

LAUNDRY DAY TODAY! Im far too lazy to put it all away yet...I'm such an ass.... 

Please, bring him home. 

Help me, Help You

Ok its midnight and I'm fucking bored.

Someone either entertain me or I'll hold all your Kraft Dinner for ransom.


Seriously though, I keep noticing new people popping up and posting on my blog. I think thats kick ass. I have no idea how half you people even stumbled across my sick little domain but I am sure as fuck glad that you're here. I'm actually curious though as to how you folks found me, I'd love to advertise myself a little more since reading your comments amuse me.

Oh, and if you have any questions for me please feel free to post them and I shall answer them.

God I'm bored....

So one sausage says to the other....

HOLY SHIT A TALKING SAUSAGE!

I already gave you the punch line so there's no need for the joke now.

I quit my job last night. They thought work was more important than school, I disagreed. I'm expecting a phone call by at least tonight or tomorrow morning begging for my return. Yah, I'm that full on myself. I'm a good server, I can handle my shit and they know that they need me. So suck on that F & F.

I lost a gerbil today as well. I accidently left the cage open and Hutch kinda flew outta there like a bat out of hell and is currently MIA. I hear him scratching around my room and I know that there are no holes anywhere in here so I am sure I'll catch him eventually.

I would like to take this moment to show my disgust with Easter weekend.

GOOD FRIDAY
They put Jesus in a cave and await his resurrection.
This is also the day where the world stops as kids paint smiley faces on hard boiled eggs and anxiously await the Easter bunny to come and leave them candy. Dentists love Easter by the way. All the while the kids are saying, "Who the fuck is Jesus? Is he like, the Easter Bunny's helper? Like Santa's elves or something?"

Nothing of course is open this day and the buses don't run on time. Apparently the world stops because about 2% of the entire population believe that some dead messiah was placed in a cave.

SOMETHING OR OTHER SATURDAY
Business as usual.
People are losing their minds trying to grab the last hollowed out chocolate bunny for their little booger-eaters. Mom's are fighting other mom's for the last fuzzy bunny while the fathers hide themselves behind the carts so they don't have to witness the massacre. It's like a lesser form of Christmas. At least kids don't ask for Furby dolls or Tickle Me Elmo's at easter time.

EASTER SUNDAY
Hallelujah Jesus is alive! Let's do the happy fucking dance.
Once again, the children with mouths full of teeth rotting chocolate, "Who the fuck is Jesus?"

And once again the buses don't run on time, nothings open, and Ashley's gerbils must wait yet another day for their food because 2% of the population think the dead messiah has been reborn. I feel sorry for Jesus, it must be hard for him to die every year and then be re born again.

EASTER MONDAY
Everyone's nursing their hangovers from the night before since nobody in the government works today. Considering I live in Ottawa that means half the town is sitting at home with an ice pack on their head and a bucket at their side. Jesus has long been forgotten and the kiddies spend the day puking up little marshmellow chickens.

Ashley refuses to go to class because she figures "Since the world decided to stop for three days straight it can damn well stop for me today."

I'm boycotting Easter Monday, I refuse to go to my lecture tonight. Instead I plan on heating up old Chinese food, popping in some Horror flick and scratching my ass. Care to join?

If you thought Democracy was fun...

...you'll love Canada's new found Dictatorship. Now you'll never have to think for yourself! In this one time offer our Parliment is willing to offer you not just one, not just two, but THREE YES thats right folks THREE decisions!

What are these decisions do you say?

They sound a little "communist" to you?

Well put your red cards away folks never again will you have to hear about the following issues:
1- Gay marriage
2- Legalizing prostitution
3- Legalizing pot

WE'VE DONE ALL THE WORK FOR YOU!

The wonderful people at McGuinty Inc. have made up their minds FOR YOU the people. Soon you will recieve a pamphlet in the mail explaining all. David McG has already graciously sent a pamphlet in regards to Gay Marriage. Mr. McGuinty has decided that all us Canadians will vote NO to gay marriage! Its for the good of the Dictatorshi...err...Democracy!

Now the police will have to pay for their own pot, their own pussy and they won't have to be bothered about the gay's wanting to marry! Isn't that just peachy folks?

Remember, this is a one time deal only and its selling fast! Be sure to vote "Liberal" the next time you're at the polls to take part in this fantastic offer!





*the above post was meant to be completely sarcastic. The views expressed are solely those of the Liberal Party and David McGuinty Inc. and do not reflect the views of Midget Porn's Blog author.

Walk a Mile in my Stilettos

Girls have it so easy don't we. We call the shots when it comes to sex, we call the shots when it comes to the home decor, it's defintely easier for us to pick up and crying when we fail a Stats test is sure to raise our grade.

SNAP

Hear that?

That's reality coming back.

Let me tell you what it's like for a girl...

* Imagine the most excruciating pain in the entire world. Now multiply that by 100x and you've got your child rearin'.

* Women are allowed to enjoy sex, so long as they know that by doing so they are automatically a "slut".

* Women back in the 1600's were once burned at the stake for having an ounce of intelligence...it's now 2000 and not a hell of a lot has changed.

* Have you ever bled for a week straight matched with a consistent pain in your abdomen? I do it. Every month.

* If I wear a tight shirt or a short skirt and get raped, I was "asking for it".

* Openly talking about sex makes me "easy", if I was a man it would make me "macho".

* 1 female Prime Minister in all of Canada...reigned for less than 6 months.

* I have to take a pill everyday which fucks up my hormones, makes my weight fluxuate and causes me to become the occasional bitch - all for the sake of balancing the monthly pain and making sure Point 1 doesn't occur.

* A peirced tongue must mean I love giving head to anyone.

* A career in the Criminal Justice field isn't suited for me because being a woman makes me "sensitive" - I should become a secretary instead.

* Blond hair, blue eyes, nice figure - Yep, I must either be a stripper or a hair dresser. Never mind getting to know anything about me before you label me a bimbo.

* I apparently need a man to take care of me in order to live a normal stable life.

ALL THIS ASIDE

I wouldn't change who I am for anything.

If the world can't accept me for who I am and not what's between me legs, I'll give a polite "fuck you" and sleep soundly anyways.

Yank My Doodle Daddy Pt. 2

In light of my old found porno fetish, I've looked up and have come up with some of the greatest, if not BEST Porn film names

Yes, it is 2 am

Yes, I am this bored

Yes, I am this retarded

Enjoy.

Thighs Wide Open (Eyes Wide Shut)

Queen of the Rammed (Queen of the Damned)

Cockwork Orange (Clockwork Orange)

Wonka and the Cock-O-Lot Factory (Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

White Men Can't Hump (White Men Can't Jump)

A Cock to Remember (A Walk to Remember)

Bridget Bone's Sex Diary (Bridget Jone's Diary)

Interview with a Vibrator (Interview with a Vampire)

Star Whores (Star Wars)

Shaving Ryan's Privates (Saving Private Ryan)

The Flintbones (The Flinstones)

Aaaand I'm spent.

Yank My Doodle Daddy

That will be the name of the porn I'm making.

I decided that I am sick and tired of working as a server for a living to pay my way through school, so I am going to make it all in one she-bang. (Pun intended). I'm aware that the porn industry doesn't pay very well unless your name is Nikki Taylor, Jenna Jameson or Ron Jeremy, but since I am funding this project on my own with a video camera I'll purchase from Wal Mart I'm sure I can make a few quick bucks off it.

I'll only be paying my female participants, the men will be used on a volunteer basis. I'm sure that wont be a problem.

I have my video all planned out. It will take place in London England where the girls in the "Madame Furgeous School For Naughty Little Girls" are desperate for some male contact. The opening scene has them topless, playing with themselves and such and engaging in their own carnal delight with each other when suddenly a few men find the hidden dormitory and decide to pay the girls a visit. The girls so overcome with delight engage in several orgy like acts with the men and Ashley makes a couple grand.

Lately sex seems to be the general theme in my blogs...I've gone from complaining bitch to Sue fucking Johansen.

Any volunteers?

Do you know the Squishy Vagina?

No?

Neither does Rich

I tried explaining to him last night what the "squishy vagina" is. He thinks I'm retarded and made it all up. Its actually called a "pocket pussy" and its used by men as a female substitute. Like a blow up doll only without the rest of the body and just the essential. It works like a real vagina and the man inserts his penis back and forth until he climaxes

I'm sure you're all so glad you read this blog.

I realized three things about me today

1 - I'm incredably lazy.

2 - I've got the gift of gab and could bullshit my way out of a paper bag

3 - I have a twitch in my left eye that happens when I'm deep in thought

I just got back from work and thankfully I have a day off tomorrow. And by day off I mean I have class from morning until night then work all weekend.

If this is what life has become that I am going to build a time machine and warp myself back to when I was a kid.

All this being an adult and responsibility and such has gotten to me and I want to be 8 again or something. Even 13 was better than 21. 13 all I did was collect my allowance, blow it on crack cocaine and hoed myself out for Jack Daniels all the while posing for an Underage Adult site. My screen name was "CandiCanexo13" you might have seen me.

Ahhh the good old days of underage exploitation.

Meh....at least my mirrors now clean 

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!

I failed my stats exam

48% ladies and gentlemen.

2% off a pass

2 more correct answer would have gotten me that 50%

But guess what?

OH THATS RIGHT FOLKS! The prof is DROPPING the midterm mark!

That means that Midterm 1 where I got an 80% is going to be worth 60% whereas Midterm 2 won't mean SHIT because its the lowest of the two grades. All I have to do now is bust my ass off on the final and I can keep my scholarship

Yes fuckitty Yes!

I'm going to make some popcorn and kick back to "House of Sand and Fog" in celebration


Did I mention YES!?

I PITY THE FOOL!!

...who goes out with me un-sedated

I just got home now from work and school. It was quite the day. I worked from 11-5 then had class from 6 - 10.

The kicker?

I havent gone to bed in almost 48 hours.


A couple friends and I decided that we would go out for a nice relaxing dinner with a few martinis and ridiculously over priced entrees. All went well until one suggested going out as I was already hammered off of the following martini's:

Candy Apple (green apple sour puss, apple vodka, butterscotch ripple)
Strawberry Shortcake (Tequila rose, vanilla vodka)
Chocolate Martini (Godiva, creme de cacao, vanilla vodka)
Red Velvet (Lychee liqour, cranberry juice, triple sec)

In short: I was fucked.

As the night progressed and I proceeded to get even more fucked with a few shots purchased by some hopeless men at the bar the evening took a turn for the better(?) when a friend suggested we go get even MORE pissed at another bar. I should have said no....

I'll give you the hightlights of last night.

* Random guys at the bar trying to pick up by buying us shots. Upon realizing that we were using them for their alcohol and playing on their male stupidity they left

* Having tables actually move themselves to the other side of the restaurant as our conversations went from martinis to anal beads, pubic hair and Dirty Sanchez

* Me asking the bartender at the other bar as politely as possible if he shaved his balls

* Me asking the bartender at the other OTHER bar if he did the same (it was actually my friends fault for making me do so since they BOTH thought each were hot and they were BOTH curious. I was just drunk and stupid enough to ask)

* Getting into an argument with some random guy at the bar who was eavesdropping on my friends and I. I think I told him something along the lines of, "Get a life you creepy fucking asshole!"

* Having the "creepy fucking asshole" buy us more shots

* Calling Rich drunk just to let him know that "Alert Status Red" was playing

* Calling Aaron in B.C. because I have a problem calling people long distance when hammered. Rogers loves me.

* Getting banned from the Royal Oak (long story, too tired and too drunk to remember why)

* I told a guy that he was in the wrong bathroom and that the mens room was down the hall - only SHE was a GIRL

* Meeting up with the manager of a bar and drinking/partying until 6 am after hours with free drinks and shots

* Finishing a bottle of red sour puss with my friend

* Bringing up that bottle for the next 3 hours

* Going to work still half cut and ready to kill the world this morning.


Now, dont you want to be my friend? It'll only cost you a dollar.

Auto Erotic Aspyxiation

So I picked up a shift this morning
And tomorrow morning
And then Tuesday night
Regular school hours resume for my Thursday 9 - 10 class
Then working Friday until close
Saturday night until close
Sunday morning then close.

Problem?

I'm a sucker for fucking punishment and picked up 4 of those 6 shifts and now Im beginning to regret it. I closed last night and now I have to work Brunch this morning.

Have you ever worked a brunch before?

Let me give you an example of what working at brunch is like...

How would you like your eggs?
Sausage, ham or bacon?
White or brown toast?
Dry or with butter?
No homefries, more fruit instead?
No meat just grilled tomatos?
I'll ask if you can substitute X for Y
Sure, more coffee?
Whats that? More coffee?
A water too?
More coffee?
More water?

All right...your total comes to, $9.00 - thanks for having me run around like a fucking chicken with its head cut off for the dollar tip you're going to leave.

6 hrs + 1 dollar brunch tips = $30 for about 6 hours of aggravation.

Yah. Thats brunch in a nutshell.

The saddest part is that I picked up this shift from another girl at work. Hence the title. Its like I'm masturbating while choking myself. While I'll be making some money I'll also be slowly ready to kill myself with all the goddamn brunch modifiers and blue hairs driving me crazy.

Its 9 am...Houston, I'm going in.

Edit: And I just realized now that I forgot to call Rich after my ridiculously long shift last night, he's gonna kill me. Miss you baby. xoxo

BOO!

Re: Below

Odd Happenings

I completely forgot that this happened until just now. I had to write it down somewhere before I forgot because it was absoultely bizarre and terrifying.

I wasnt feeling so hot last night due to something I ate at work, so I went to bed as soon as I got home. As I drifted off to sleep I suddenly heard a voice that said, "Wake Up"

Now before I go any further, I believe in an afterlife and a spirit world. Too many odd things have happened to me in my life to have me believe otherwise. My old house in Brockville was built on old battleground and there are lost soldiers still buried underneath the ground. I live right beside Prescott which is right on the St.Lawrence. It was a heavily active Fort during the war of 1812 with the United States so several men have died on those grounds. I assume their spirits still haunt the area.

Where I live there was a battle (I looked this all up in the Brockville archives after all the weird things that happened in my house finally got the best of my curiosity) Anyways, my house used to be an old farm house. A small battle occured right where my house is located (which is also right on the St. Lawrence river) and several soldiers from both sides died. Luckily for me my old room is right in the basement where all soldier bones probably still lay.

Anyways, weird things would always happen such as my cat never stepping foot in my room and screeching to nothing but air. They say animals are very perceptive and can pick up on spirits and such. Someone always knocked on my door around midnight, but nobody was ever there. Cupboard doors would open, things would knock over on their own, appliances turned themselves on and off and one night I SWORE that I saw the dark figure of a man in the corner of my room for two seconds before he vanished.

So theres my little ghost story

Well, back to last night. I heard someone whisper like right into my ear, "Wake up" I yelled out HELLO to nothing but a dark room. I closed my eyes once again and heard the voice say, "Hello" back. By that time I freaked the fuck out and went to turn on my lamp, WHICH was knocked over. Now, to knock over my lamp you would have to physically get up, reach up to the top of my desk and knock it over. Chances of it falling on its own are slim to none. I then SWEAR I heard, "Go" so I raced the fuck down the stairs and huddled myself on the coach and threw on a funny movie until I fell back asleep.

How fucked up is that?

I am a Consumer Whore

Todays Purchases:

1 - Tanning Package (I hate being Scottish and therefore ridiculously pale)

2 - Movies

* House of Sand and Fog with Ben Kingsley and Jennifer Connely - its excellent, if you havent seen it yet, I suggest you do so immediately

* Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller and Jennifer Aniston - also quite good

3 - Groceries - I'm not telling you what you nosey kids, I will tell you that I caved and bought chocolate though

I'm off to eat and watch a movie before work.

Just call me Mrs. Attention Seeker

Disorder
RatingParanoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mvURL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/disorder_information2.html


Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Im a self centered, anti social, independent obsessive-compulsive freak. Thanks to Jenn Good for providing me with the link.

I AM ASHLEY'S FEAR OF HEIGHTS

I HAVE to ride this coaster! Its a record breaking 420 ft drop and hits a speed of 120 mph. Fucking right.

Happy St. Hangover Day (Patty's Evil Twin)

I went all the way to work this morning only to find out that I dont have to work until 4 tonight which makes me bitter yet happy at the same time. I cant go back to bed now since I am wide away but I can laze about and watch The Labyrinth before I have to go back to work. I pray to God that its busy today was I need the hours. Apparently when you refuse to sleep with your boss where I work your shifts get cut in half and you can't even prove that your shifts are cut for that reason to the labor board. Rich called me last night and I told him all about it.

He then called me back 5 mins later to inform me that he was still pissed off about it. I thought it was adorable.

I managed to down that entire bottle of red last night between my roomate and I and judging by the picture below I also managed to find my digital camera. You thought I was an attention whore when I am sober...the below post proves that I'm worse when Im half cut. Thankfully when Im totally tanked I become catatonic so there are no worries there. Now I'm sure you all think I am an alcoholic

Which I'm not.

I'm just a drunk - I don't go to the meetings.

Oh Look - More Camera Whorin' (sorry for the darkness, I tried to lighten it but then I looked fake) And yes, I am slightly tipsy, I've been drinking that Australian Red on my own and suddenly I came up with this great idea to take a picture of me in my panties. I'm sure I'll remove it sober tomorrow 

I'm Getting Old

Today I didn't get ID'ed for the first time at the liquor store, it fucking depressed me.

And in case you lushes forgot today is St. Patty's Day otherwise known as "Excuse to get fucking wasted and hit on your best friends girlfriend while you wake up the next day in your own vomit and the vomit of the random slut you picked up the night before" Day.

I will be spending it inside sharing a bottle of Australian red with myself and watching some new DVD's I purchased earlier. I have no desire to go out as I have no desire to get fucking hammered, have to babysit my friends, get hit on by random druken assholes, pass out in my clothes and wake up with a killer hang over tomorrow.

This is further proof that I am getting old.

When the fuck does that Logan's Run shit come in???

I am Ashleys Super Ego. I make Ashley take slutty pictures and post them on the internet. 

Fuck you BLOGGER!

I had an amusing little post that took about 30 mins of my time to create and Blogger lost it.

Fuck you blogger.

Fuck you and your offspring.

xoxo
Ashley

I LIKE MY EGGS BROWN BITCH!

I was attempting to cook eggs when I came in from work, but no matter how hard I tried I couldnt get them brown. Im disgusting, I know. I like my eggs to be totally brown and not the slightest bit runny, runny eggs disgust me. Anyways, they turned out yellow and runny and now I can't eat them because the thought of it would make me puke.

Just in case you wanted to know.

Today was a wonderful day. I spent the majority of it sleeping and not saving the world or upholding the rights of convicted criminals. Because of today's laziness I will now have to do everything I set to do today, tomorrow. God, I am such a procrastinator.

TOMORROW'S LIST OF THINGS TO DO:

1. Doctors appointment at 1:30 (which I will probably once again forget and once again have to pay $50 for missing it)

2. Clean Jack's cage and the gerbil's cage. (Jack, by the way, is a dwarf rabbit, you sick fuck)

3. Do my laundry, the pile makes Mt. Everest look like the Bunny Slope

4. Buy socks (due to the Chinese laundromat leprechauns that steal all of mine)

5. Buy groceries (although its pointless since my roomates will either eat them or they'll go bad, whichever happens first)

6. Go to class at 4.

Seems like a hefty day, I know. Chances are this is what will really happen:

Sleep until noon
Go to doctors
Go back to sleep
Go to class
Go back to bed
Masturbate
Go back to bed.

Works for me.

RANDOM CUTENESS

YOU'RE FIRED!

More random cuteness mixed with some Animal Pornography 

You just know this dog is HATING life. Could be worse, he could be Paris' or Britney's dog dressed up in Vuitton footies and capes. He's thinking "Must...reach...cyanide....pill....

I like chocolate and sex

And at the same time.

I've calmed down in the past few hours with a milkshake and "Kiss the Girls". Life in general has me frusterated lately and its turned me into someone I dont know or like. I decided that maybe I should be a hobo, or one of those box car drifters.

No cell phones
No internet
Not a single luxury

No TV
No movies
No NOTHING

If I was a hobo it would be my way or the high way. Forget conforming to societal expectations, I don't need to be the Suburbia house wife for me to be happy. Give me some socks on a stick and a whittle knife and I could be happier than a pig in shit. Of course I'd probably never get laid again as I would smell to high Heaven, but who needs sex when you can bask in the glory of your own rules and rebel against the world?

....

All right no sex so scratch that.

One of these days I'll buy myself a one way ticket to anywhere it get around on my wits. Which means I'll be fucked since I'm lacking in that department. So where do I go? Europe? Asia? Maybe I'll become a cod fisher-person in PEI and make my wages by hauling stinky tuna for a living. Everyone needs tuna right? I mean, without tuna what the hell would Jessica Simpson do?

Thats another thing that amuses me, how people can market their own stupidity. As mentioned, Jessica Simpson. She's a perfect example.

"Hey I am an idiot blond who can't tell the difference between tuna and chicken. I love buffalo wings even though I didn't know buffalo's had wings. Hand me my Louis Vuitton bag Nick so I can bitch and complain about camping without my regular supply of Evian."

Christ

However being that she's American and they've been marketing stupidity for centuries, I'm not surprised.

What the fuck? (Confessional Time)

Here's a bit of Ashley confessional.

My mom was 16 when she had me
She got pregnant the first time she had sex at 15
The man that impregnated her wanted nothing to do with her or the baby after
He left her to deal with it on her own.

She decided to get an abortion

There are two reasons why I am in this world today

1. A loving grandfather
2. A late doctor

My mom came to Ottawa to have me aborted but the doctor was an hour late and my grandfather caught wind as to what she was doing. When he found out, he called the hospital and said,

"Don't you dare kill that child, thats my grandchild in there"

My mom decided to keep me and on August 18th 1983, after 36 hours of labor all 10 lbs 5 ozs. of me arrived. My moms lets me know in her own way everyday how glad she is that she didn't go through the the procedure and not a day goes by where I don't thank my late grandfather for that phone call.

***NOW THIS IS WHERE IT GETS FUCKED UP***

The man I have called Dad since I was 2 got married to my mother when I was a little girl. I have called him Dad my entire life practically and we love each other as though we were blood related. We aren't of course, he met my mother in high school and he quickly fell in love with her, and me. Five years later after they met my brother came into this world on July 18th 1989.

This morning I got a phone call from my mom

The man that knocked her up and left her to herself, my REAL father wants to meet me

Ive never felt more betrayed in my entire life.

This guy, knocked up my mother, left her terrified on her own (thank god for my grandparents) and wanted NOTHING to do with me. Now almost 22 years later he wants to meet me? I didn't even KNOW my mother still spoke with the guy. I just can't believe she would keep in contact with the guy and NEVER tell me. I'm supposed to think it over and give her an answer but I already know what I want to say.

"You left a 15 year old girl pregnant and scared. 22 years later you want to come into the daughter you have NEVER knowns life. Fuck you."

Simple as that

I have no desire to meet the asshole, I have no desire to let him know anything about me. I have no desire to do anything with them then perhaps spit in his face and give him the finger. I dont get a shit if he is on his death bed and wants to see me before he dies.

He can rot for all I care.

Living in a Gansta Paradise

Hey Folks

Sorry its been so long for you avid readers since I have updated my blog. Between school and work and everything else in between I havent been around my computer for more than 2 mins at a time to check emails quickly. Rich is probably wondering if I fell off the face of this earth, but we're both so busy with our hectic schedules we don't update each other as much as we did. Thankfully this school year is over as of March 27th and then I write my finals so I'll have more time for myself and for him.

For those of you wondering, I failed my stats midterm. Or at least I am pretty sure I did. It was an open book exam and I was struggling to keep my calculator and the rest of my books on the poor excuse for a desk in the exam room. You see, exam rooms are picked out ahead of time and students are sent to each room by their last name. My last name starts with an S so I was condemned to the DUNGEON ROOM.

Picture this, a hard plastic seat, a little plank of wood no bigger than 8 x 10, two people on each side of me, a notebook - a text book - my exam - my calculator and my 3 mock exams all sharing that little space. Now add in +80 degree temperature in the stuffy basement room and you have some pissed off students. It was so hot, and my books kept falling off that little peice of wood so I basically guessed A B C D ok DONE and handed in my exam. I didnt bother using my notes as it was too much of a hassle and I would have passed out should I have stayed any longer in that death room. Kids in mexico making shoes work under better conditions than that for Christ sake.

On top of that the exam was so hard I couldnt have passed it if I had 3 hrs to right it in a coconut cabana with a pina colada and a monkey butler at my side. The exam may as well been written in Greek for all I understood.

I'll keep you posted on my mark.

Until then, Adieu.

"I just can't get any respect"

The worlds of the late Rodney Dangerfield have never rung so true that today. What is this world coming to? Never have I been more disgusted with human beings than the acts I have witnessed lately. Aside from the fact that soldiers are being used as Political Pawns on some giant RISK board, people in general are becoming ruder by the minute. I have no idea what it is...

Something in the water?
Alien beings have invaded our minds?
CIA is injecting people with asshole serums and setting them lose?
Rabies?
Scabies?

I don't know what it is but lately everyone's louder, more obnoxious and more of an asshole than Simon Crowell telling a fat kid to get off the stage. Now I'll admit, I'm not without my vices but I'd like to think of myself as a relatively respectable individual. I have a potty mouth that would make most truckers cry, but I would never EVER curse in front of:

1) The elderly
2) Small children
3) My mother (mainly because she would bitch slap the hell out of me)

But I hear these kids today, literally 13 - 14 years old "Fuck this fuck that you're a fucking idiot fuck you fuck him fuck her fucking whore ho slut bitch cunt bastard asshole fuck fuck fuck" They don't care who its in front of, who could be listening and they certainly don't care if their cursing makes any sense.

I'd also like to make a special shout out to those individuals who refuse to give up their seats to the eldery on the bus. You're young and vibrant the fuck is wrong with your legs? I can't STAND little punk kids or even University students who should be smarter than that let elderly people struggle to stand up in front of them while they talk on their cell in their cushy seats. I always give up my seat if there is nothing available and a mother with a child or an eldery person comes on the bus. My legs aren't going to fall off if I have to stand for 5 mins, nor will yours I assure you. This just re affirms the fact that North Americans are not only stupid - but lazy and ignorant.

As for you people who SCREAM into your cell phone on the bus or any other public area, fuck off. No one cares about your domestic disputes. No one cares if you left your hot iron on. And surely no one cares that youre about to bang the shit out of your secretary in the Days Inn down the road. Its called VOLUME - use it to your advantage.

Drivers. Oh, aren't you just wonderful individuals these days. Today I was crossing the road when a driver went to make a RIGHT HAND TURN ON A RED FUCKING LIGHT nearly hit me. Instead of apologizing for not looking more carefully the guy promptly gave me the finger and told me to watch it as he sped away. How the fuck he figured he was in the right when he had a red light and I had the walking man is BEYOND me. Not all the crazies are in the looney bin it appears. Seriously, I don't support Charles Whitman's shooting rampage atop the Texas University Tower but I see where he's coming from.

To all you assholes out there who can be categorized into anything I've just mentioned, here's a one-finger salut just for you.

I swear to GOD

If anyone mentions the following:

Hypothesis Tests
Z Scores
T Test
Critical Regions
Alpha / Beta levels
Standard Errors
Standard deviation of sample means
Power regions

or Two / One tailed tests I'll beat you to a fucking pulp and leave you to the seagulls

You've been warned.

My sentiments exactly 

Baa Baa Black Sheep - Have you any friends?

***DISCLAIMER***
I love all my friends dearly. They are wonderful people who make me laugh, cry and make me want to throw random objects at people in the movie theatre. We just happen to have our differences.

FRIENDS
Legally Blond, The Notebook, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, The Sweetest Thing

ME
Texas Chainsaw Series, SAW, Kiss the Girls, The Cell, The Exorcist, The Shining, House of 1000 Corpses

* When it comes to movie going we're always torn. They insist we watch a boy meets girl - boy loves girl - boy loses girl - boy gets back with girl movie. I insist we watch boy meets girl - boy removes girls innards - boy goes on a spree - boy gets taken down by police movie. We just don't see eye to eye on this

- - - - - - - - - - - -

FRIENDS
Make up - break up - make up - break up - make up - break up - make up

ME
Whats that? You're an asshole? Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out

* When it comes to relationships my friends tend to make up and break up Brad and Jen style whereas I just tell him to fuck off Paris style

- - - - - - - - - - - -

FRIENDS
Study 2 weeks before an exam

ME
Study 2 hrs before an exam

*When it comes to school they are total keeners which I love them for. Anytime I call to go out near exam time I always get an answering machine. Myself on the other hand, I tend to buy the text book the day before the exam (If I buy it at all) and mull over some notes outside of the exam room.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

FRIENDS
50 Cent, Random DJ's, Hip Hop, Kelly Clarkson, Ashlee Simpson

ME
Motley Crue, Matthew Good (Band) , Rob Zombie, Metallica, Chevelle

*When it comes to music we are on total opposite ends of the spectrum. While we all like it loud I prefer to have my music ear busting loud. They like cute songs about girls finding their true loves and sharing ice cream. I like songs about guys driving devil cars and engaging in carnal lust.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

FRIENDS
Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Matthew Mc-whateverthefuck, that Jesse kid from Desperate Housewhores

ME
Tommy Lee, Nikki Sixx, Ed Norton, Johnny Knoxville, Mark whatshisface from Sugar Ray

*When it comes to guys my friends go for the pretty boys. I go for the bad ass "I dont kiss my momma with this mouth" guys. Especially guys in bands...dear god....its my weakness.


- - - - - - - - - - - -

FRIENDS
Night clubs, dress to impress, techno blaring

ME
Pub time jeans and a tank top, KARAOKE

*When it comes to the night life my friends are up and dancing to techno and trance. I would prefer to be sitting in some booth sipping on a pint and joking about life in general.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

FRIENDS
"Oh my God, he's cute. Is he looking at me? Should I say something? What should I say? No. I can't. I can't go up to him! I'll just sit here and stalk from a distance"

ME
"Hey, you're hot I'm Ashley - got a number?"

*When it comes to picking up I've always been the forward one in the group. I'm blunt and to the point. They tend to sit, drool, and complain on the ride home how they wish they had the gnads to say something

- - - - - - - - - - - -

So many differences, but I think thats what makes us a good combination. I dont think I'd change my wool for anything.

Ode to Paris

Baby's blue eyes shine
Make her into a pretty doll
Turn her into your puppet
A playmate for your lap
Buy her body
With your estate
Show her a real good time

Lap dog baby
Put her on a short leash
Pretty little lady
Eats from a silver bowl

Show her your safe
Watch her panties fall quick
Her combination is in hundreds
Un lock her secret door
Little missy in a tissy

A One night purchased whore

And you can get this lap dance here for free

Before class a friend and I were discussing our essays while waiting for the prof to arrive. For each essay we had to choose a form of deviance and right about it. I picked Serial Killers she chose The Porn Industry.

It was then she turned and looked at me and said, "You know - you remind me of a porn star"

I asked her to elaborate.

She replied, "You have long blond hair, a small waist, fairly large breasts and a whole "porn aura" around you. I don't know, you just remind me of a porn star"

Eh????

Do I look like a porn star people or is she just high as usual?

Mr.Tickles the primate formerly known as Bobo 

The Ballad of Mr.Tickles

Mr. Tickles was an intelligent and well spoken primate who had everything going for him. Out of all the animal performers in the world he could have easily become the best. However he had one downfall which kept him from ever becoming anything great: Russian Vodka.

In his years as a performer monkey for the infamous Busker Mr. Vallentini he acquired a fair bit of wealth that he blew away on hunded dollar mickies and cheap hookers. That was his second downfall - women.

Now you may think that being a monkey and all it would be difficult for Mr. Tickles (the monkey formerly known as Bobo) to "pick up" but when he flashed his cash and told the girls, "No that isn't a banana in my pocket" he could have a different girl in his hammock every night.

Mr. Vallentini found Mr.Tickles selling pencils and smiley stickers on a street corner and asked him if he would like to join his entourage. Mr.Tickles, figuring that he had nothing to lose, accepted Vallentini's offer and soon found himself on the road to a life of luxury and loose women. While Vallentini played on his various instruments ranging from the violin to the clarinet, Mr. Tickles (who was currently known as "Bobo" at the time) would dance, sing along or play on his little triangle. People walking past would often stop at their adorable little display and sometimes watch for hours as the duo performed. In a day they would rack up close to $500 in Vallentini's top hat.

Life was going well for Mr. Tickles until Mr. Vallentini died in a tragic accident. One day while on break Mr. Vallentini went to cross the road to go "relieve" himself at a restaurant across the street. He never saw the BMW racing around the corner. They say that on impact he flew 20 feet and landed right at Mr. Tickles feet. Mr. Tickles tried to help but when you're a 5 lb monkey trying to help a 200 lb man there really isn't shit all you can do. Vallentini died in Mr. Tickles arms. That event sent Mr. Tickles on an ever lasting vodka binge that would soon be responsible for him losing everything.

After Vallentini died, the wealth that they had acquired over the years as I said quickly went to expensive Russian vodka and blond twins at The Cat Scratch. All the lap dances and vomitting in the world couldn't save Mr. Tickles now. He was a broken primate.

Those events eventually landed Mr. Tickles in Vegas with a dead show girl stuffed in a trunk at the Mirage.

Mr. Tickles wasn't quite sure how he ended up at The Mirage, or Vegas for that matter - and he certainly didn't know if he was responsible for the Vegas show girl stuffed in the trunk at the end of the bed. The last thing he remembered was stumbling around town drunk - as usual - and screaming obscenities at couples dining on the La Paridiso patio.

Mr. Tickles was in quite the bind. Not only was he unsure of how he got to Vegas but he didn't know if he was a murderer. Quite obviously the dead show girl couldn't tell him what transpired the previous evening so he was left with his own alcohol fermented memory.

I'd like to be able to tell you what indeed happened that night in Vegas, but unfortunately Mr. Tickles hit the bottle pretty hard and attempted to test out his theory that he could fly. The bellboy at the Mirage found his broken little body the next day with the bottle of vodka still intact and clenched in his little paw.

Its hard being sexy with freckles

If I could change one thing about me it would be my freckles.

When you're 6 having freckles is cute.

When you're 21 having freckles is a goddamn annoyance.

Everyone assumes you are younger than you actually are - I would love to have the I- just -washed- my- face Dove look. I hate this "oh look you were sunbathing through a screen door you dirty, dirty little girl" look. Thankfully I have pretty nice tits that make me look older than 12.

If you could change one thing about you, what would it be?

Even gerbils need a little lovin' 

Haven't found a way to say Fuck You politely

I'm kicking my roomate out when he comes home this weekend

It'll be a nice little surprise when he gets in the door and I tell him that he has 2 weeks to get out.

The guy never pays his rent on time, never pays for the household bills (he figures that since he is too lazy to get a router for the internet and only uses my computer for 5 hrs at a time when I am not home he shouldn't have to contribute to the internet bill) and he NEVER cleans. The guy complains about working too much so he cant clean

I'd almost believe his sob story if I didnt work full time AND go to school full time but manage to keep the house in order.

I do love being a bitch sometimes.

Further proof that some men are in fact pigs

*I'd just like to point out that I'm not a man hating feminist. I love men. Men are great. However there are certain men that I think should be castrated at birth. In paticular known married men flashing pictures of his two cute kids while attempting to pick me up from work

The Place: Work

The Time: 2:00 am (after work)

The Man: Some sleaze regular with two gorgeous little girls and a fiancee

I had just finished a wonderful 13 hour shift at work when I sat down to enjoy my free drink. One of the regulars who frequents the bar on Friday nights showed up and sat beside me. This wasn't unusual as we usually exchange conversation while I work.

He started showing me pictures of his adorable little girls, aged 3 months and 2 years. Cute as a button with little curls and matching frilly dresses. He asked if I wanted another drink which I politely declined as I had to get home. I had just worked 13 hours straight through on my feet and I was a little exhausted.

He then asked me if I wanted a ride home.

I said that was nice of him to offer, but I lived rather far and I didn't want to inconvenience him.

"Not your home. My home"

*Cue Sesame Street Music*
One of these things just doesn't belong here
One of these things just isn't the same
One of these things just doesn't belong here
Now its time to play our game
It's time to play our game

I was a little shocked needless to say. As he folded up his wallet which contained pictures of his fiancee and little girls he asked again, "Do you want to go home with me?"

Trying to be as polite as possible I replied, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

He wasn't.

He went on to talk about how he knows I have a thing for him, and how he has seen me look at him blah blah male egotism blah blah you look like a fun girl blah blah blah. I couldn't even respond back I was flabbergasted.

In my mind I did one of the movie moves where the female character tosses her drink of the chauvanistic male and saunters out of the bar in a huff. I couldn't even move my arms. I've had married men hit on me before, but this situation was a little different. He has two beautiful children and a gorgeous fiancee why WHY anyone would want to fuck that up is beyond me.

What the fuck are guys thinking these days when they attempt to pick up the unattainable.

Seriously, some men need to give their heads a shake and I don't mean the ones in their pants.

The World's Gone Topsy Turvy

* 14 year old girls buying thongs and already planning their boob jobs

* Grown men exchange pictures of nude children in sexual positions to get their jollies

* The U.S. claims to be greatest country in the world yet they can't find some crippled old man on kidney dialysis in a cave

* Teen moms cart their kids down the street in strollers while their baby's daddy flips burgers to buy diapers

* 2 months ago : Paris who?
Present: Thats Hot! Paris this, Paris' blackberry, Paris Party! Paris That!

* Desperate Housewhores generates more attention than a Federal Election

* The Pope claims that homosexuality is a blasphemous sin and all the gays will burn in hell yet says nothing about his priests molesting young boys

* Movie stars are paid more than doctors and teachers combined

* If a female so much as mentions sex or posts a little skin she's automatically a stupid slut - even the ones in University on a scholarship

* American's still believe us Canadian's zoom around on dog sleds to get to our fishing holes and igloos

* Crack cocaine is more accessible than medical assistance

* Hockey players complain that a million a season isn't good enough while the homeless population continues to increase and students struggle to pay for a decent education.

* The cartoons on the Airplane Safety Instructions are still smiling

This is my : I'm slighty pissed off at the world -Picture

Back by popular demand

It was down for a brief while but I was asked to put it back up. Down kiddies.

C'est Finis

Well, I managed to finish my essay and emailed it off to my TA in the hopes of not getting any marks deducted. I made up some sob story about having to wait to come home from winter vacation due to flights being cancelled.

Lets see if it works.

I'll keep you kids updated.

Red White and CRUE

I know, you're all jealous.

I went to see the best live concert I have ever seen in my life on Sunday. Motley Crue was in town and they put on a hell of a fucking show. Everything from circus girls to fire breathing midgets. The stage show was so incredible I actually forgot how fucking awful an old Vince Neil sounded. We had awesome seats as well. I had a full view of the stage and could see everything perfectly.

We ended up missing a part of the show since we had to argue with the car rental company and haul ass to the concert. But we did manage to catch a good hour and a half. The best part of the night was when Nikki Sixx came out and said, "The Corel center told us that if we did this, they would arrest us. But guess what? FUCK YOU WE'RE DOING IT ANYWAYS!" As he held up both middle fingers Tommy Lee came running by with the one, the only TITTY CAM! As soon as the crowd hear "titty cam" the entire section I was sitting it turned around at me. Tommy stood at the edge of the stage staring in my direction and I sheepishly declined the offer to have my tits immortalized in the Corel Centers jumbo tron.

After a few set of disgusting tits were shown, Tommy disappointly sat down at his drum set - looked in my direction and shook his head. I wasn't witness to the head shaking but my boyfriend was quick to point out that it appeared Tommy was disappointed that I didn't flash my tits.

As the night went on, and the concert wound down we left to go to the strippers. I must say, it was quite depressing. The girls were either fat - hairy - couldn't dance and they charged a ridiculous amout of money for drinks from the slow and drunk bartender. It was then that my boyfriend told me Nikki Sixx was checking me out from stage everytime he went to the edge where we were standing close to. Naturally, I didnt believe him but he attempted to convince me that when the lights were on you can see everything perfectly from where we were standing and he saw Mr. Sixx staring in my direction several times. I still think he's full of shit

We ended up going back to my place and I passed out from all the alcohol I consumed that evening. I woke up the next day with a terrible hangover and am still thinking up an excuse for not having my essay started let alone complete.

It was due yesterday.

Any suggestions?