The Big Night

Two major events occur tonight

1. I work the Saturday Night bartending shift in the upstairs bar which means

i) Lots of money
ii) School girl outfit
iii) FUN dammit

2. The man is here to visit which means

i) I wont walk again for a week
ii) I can stop complaining about having no one to watch movies with
iii) Captain Blue Ribbed can take a much needed break

Suggested downloads:
In the Air Tonight (remix) - Nonpoint
Scars - Papa Roach
Promise - Spoken
Let me Go - Three Doors Down
Vitamin R - Chevelle

Do it.

Now.

Waste some time

Which Website are You?

Dead on.

Deeeeaaad on.

Walking in an Insomniac Wonderland

Lately I havent been getting much sleep and its starting to take its toll. I can't concentrate on anything, I am consistently tired and holding a conversation with me is like trying to teach a monkey sign language. I've been so stressed out with work and school my body doesn't want to sleep because it knows how much shit I have to do the next day. I ACTUALLY HAVE RINGS UNDER MY EYES! I'm only 21 and already I look like some crack whore who's come off a 5 day sex and drugs bender.

Sleep is important kids.

Today I have the option of sleeping in since its reading week (therefore no school) and I don't have to work until tomorrow. However I do have to write an entire essay today so my mind is keeping me up. It's 8 am and I'm preparing the noose for at least a few extra hours of sleep.

INSOMNIAC'S UNITE!
How do I fall asleep???

Things I have tried but failed miserably....

1. Warm glass of milk (which by the way tastes like ass)

2. Counting sheep (by the time I got to 32 I realized that I really did need sleep since number 33 threatened to cut me up if I didn't hand him all my money)

3. Took a gravol (instead of making me tired it got me really high and I just stared at the wall for 4 hours)

4. Masturbated (felt great, made me more horny instead of tired - used a pack of Duracell's in the process)

I've tried everything and I just can't seem to fall asleep.

Its now 8:30 am and I'm reading to kick the shit out of myself just to get a few hours of sleep in.

If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathtub with a pillow bag over my head.

My name is Tony Montana

*see post below*

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!

For the past few days I have had an unhealthy obsession with the movie, "Scarface". I havent actually SEEN the entire movie, but from what I did see, I liked. I liked very much. Usually I don't watch shoot em up gangster no-thinking-required movies but it happened to be on TV one late Florida night.

The restaurant scene amused me the most, "Your job is to sit at home and whait for me to cum phuuck you"/accent.

"What are you lookin' at? Huh? Joo need people like me. Joo need people like me to make joo feel betta' about joo-self! SAY GOOD NITE TO DA BAD GUY!"

One of these days when I have a few screwdrivers into the system I have a feeling I'm going to cause a similar scene in some restaurant.

Off to work.

A Night in Paris'....Blackberry

So if what I have been reading the past few days is true it appears that someone has hacked into Ms. Hilton's blackberry. Celebrities such as Ashley Olsen, Christina, Lindsay Lohan, Fred Durst etc. have their numbers floating around the internet. I'm sure the little Heiress that Could doesn't think thats so "Hot".

I find it really pathetic that someone would actually spend the time hacking into her personal phonebook for the purpose of posting the numbers publically. I understand that when you take on the role of "celebrity" you have to take the good with the bad. The millions of dollars vs. The Paparazzi - it's part of the game. Of course you get those nouveau teen pop princess that swing their hips and complain about how they are "sick of all these rumors starting" but like the old saying goes, if you can't stand the heat - get out of the kitchen.

Rumors are to be expected when you sign that music/acting contract. Hell, I deal with it everyday and I am only in the bar business. People are two faced, they talk behind everyone's back, people get hurt and you really can't trust anyone. For example. The other night I was offered one of the best shifts by my boss since the regular Saturday night bartender is away on vacation. I accepted and when the schedule went up I was suddenly sleeping with my boss. Its amazing how we equate sex with success - it seems like these days anytime something good happens its a result of some back room blowjob after hours.

But back to Paris

We all know that the person who hacked into the blackberry is some lonely middle age guy who's watched Paris' sex tape far too many times in his parents basement. The guy has probably never had a girlfriend in his entire life and spends all his time playing Atari and Dungeons & Dragons while watching old Gilligan's Island re runs.

I honestly wonder what he expected to gain from hacking into her system.
Fame?
Fortune?
What exactly?
Someone that pathetic probably doesn't have the balls to post who they are or even their own phone number. Thats the bonus of the internet. We dont have to give up our own personal information in order to do and say as we please. The veil of anonomity allows us to act however we want without the social re procussions.

These are the times that I am glad to be a blank face in the real world where no one gives a shit about me and my phonebook remains untouched.

Vacation(?)

In about one hour I will be heading back to my home town of Brock-Vegas.

Population 21,000
Hick-Population 29,998
Seedy Plaza Bars 8
Tim Hortons 10

Things to do that dont involve drugs, alcohol, cow tipping, throwing random objects off the over pass - 0


My familys annoyed with me because I apparently dont call or visit enough

They're catching onto me

If you knew my family you would understand. You've already gotten a small glimpse of how my brother behaves but you know NOTHING of the Scottish Food Nazi. My grandmother is straight out of Scotland so she is still living in the Middle Ages. Everytime I visit I have to go through the same routine - I have a Pro / Con relationship with my grandmother

PRO
She cooks like a demon and everything taste so damn good

CON
She force feeds me because I'm apparently "fading away to nothing". I think its become her personal mission to make me fat

PRO
She does my laundry

CON
She bitches about how dark my whites are and how non-existant my panties are. "What is this? Dental floss? Where the hell does this go....??"

PRO
Its quiet and I can get my school work done without any distractions

CON
That is of course, after I have answered a million goddamn questions about my personal life ranging from how school is going to "if I have had sex with my new boyfriend" (something you REALLY don't want to discuss with your 66 year old grandmother)

Thankfully I will only be gone until Wed afternoon - then I have to come home to work.

AND THEN

Then ladies and gentlemen this will be the single greatest weekend ever since a certain someone is coming to visit me. I'm extremely excited because I haven't seen him since November and I'm ready to lose my mind! The telephone and internet are wonderful, but I'm starving for real human contact

He'll be crawling back to the plane with a bag of ice on his crotch by the time he leaves.... If the world's a rocking this weekend, don't come a knockin'

Save a Horse...Ride a Cowgirl

Experimenting with photo-shop.... I have an obsession with cowboy hats

Something better than this

I can't even update my blog as much as I would like to now since I have been working crazy hours. I bought a train ticket home since I need the break and since its reading week I need to concentrate on getting my essay done. (I completely forgot about it and its due in 7 days, Im such a prodigy child)

Today I am heading out for brunch with friends, then shopping then bartending from 6 - 3 am. I actually don't mind the night shifts, its decent money and its quite fun. I told my boss the other night that I cant work as much as I have been because

a) Im always exhausted

b) I DO have school

c) I feel like I have the body of an 80 year old lady (thankfully I dont)

I do love the money though. My god, I make at least 300 - 400 a week for slinging drinks. The serving end of my job makes me a little more money than bartending but it also requires a hell of a lot more work. And after youve done a 30 hr weekend you begin to slow down by Sunday.

A friend of mine told me the other day, "You're an alcoholic"

I said I wasn't an alcoholic, "I'm a social drinker. I just happen to be very social"

You have my permission to use that line.

Lying in the middle of the highway

As of late I have become tired of the same shit day in day out.

Wake up - shower - get dressed - go to school/work - go to bed - wash - rinse - repeat

If someone had told me that life wouldn't get much more exciting than this I would have asked to go back into the womb.

Not that I mind living or anything, in general its all right - just horrifically boring. It seems that no matter what I do to bring a little more excitement into my life it just gets lost in the monotony. I swore to myself that one of these days I'll buy a one way ticket to anywhere and try to revamp my life into something a little less routine. Of course that will never happen because I'm a goddamn pussy and I don't know anything else but predictability. If you were to look up predictable in the dictionary there I'd be in all my glory with a textbook in one hand and The Labyrinth in the other. The fact that I actually have that movie memorized should say more than enough.

The world just seems to be moving so fast and I'm left in still frame. If they had a remedial class for Life 101 you can rest assured I'd be the first kid registered. This is why I desperately hold onto my predictable lifestyle. There are no suprises, I can plan everything out ahead of time and there is usually no disappoint. Any projects that I have attempted to work on in order to "shake things up a bit" end up in the back of my closet or as a lone folder on my computer. I guess if I can't have fame and fortune at the drop of a hat I'm not going to put in the effort.

Maybe I'll go lie down on the highway and see how long it takes....

I SUPPORT THE PIT BULL BAN

...under a few conditions of course.

I figure the pit bull ban is more than justified so long as the Government does the following

1. Castrate every baby boy at birth. If they have a penis they could potentially rape a woman.

2. Destroy all the guns and anything else that could be considered a weapon. A gun could potentially kill someone.

3. Shut down all tobacoo industries. Smoking on average kills about 5 million a year worldwide. Pit bull attacks kill well...I'd love to let you know but it appears that every website that could provide me with such information gives me a REFRESH page. How convenient this should occur right before the bill has been placed before the courts to ban pitt bulls.

4. Melt down all the cars. They could potentially hit and kill someone.

5. Euthanize all individuals with damage to the hypothalamus in the brain. Since it controls agression levels in the human body anyone with damage to it could potentially harm another individual.

6. Bind the hands and feet of every human being on the planet that way they could never potentially hurt orkill someone.

If these sound reasonable to you Canadian Government then by all means, please - ban the bulls.

If not, then congradulations - you've finally managed to pull your head out of your ass.

My New Glasses

Stylin....

Happy Corporate America Day!

Sorry kiddies that I havent been around to post on my blog, Ive been quite busy the past weekend with work and such. Winterlude is here and that means familys from all over Ontario have been coming to this "wonderful" city to go skating and take their booger eaters to my restaurant. Its been quite the hectic weekend. Unfortunately it runs for one more weekend so if I dont kill myself by then things should go back to normal.

Just to catch you up...

I got an A on my stats midterm. I must give amazing head because I can't think of how the hell I pulled off that mark

A friend of mine got fired from my work, this made me sad. I took her out and we got loaded on tequila and vodka.

Today is Hallmark Day otherwise known as "Please buy me some fucking expensive flowers that will die in 3 days to show me you care" day. For all you lovebirds out there.... http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/02/10/valentine.suicide/

My mom sent me a gift today, it was a little teddy bear and a kids book called, "I like you Forever I'll Love you For Always" if anyone remembers it, it goes like this - "I'll like you forever Ill love you for always, as long as your with me my baby you'll be" This is what she wrote on the inside cover,

Ashley, To my Daughter and Precious Gift
I miss not reading you stories at night. When I saw this I thought of you and all the times I read you and your "Care Bears". Hope you enjoy it and it brings back some very special memories.
Love always,
Mom
xoxo


This ladies and gentlemen, made my day.

Things that make Ashley want to hit people in the face with blunt objects

1. Using a debit card for a pack of gum. You're charged more money for the use of the card than the gum you lazy fuck. Its called "cash" I suggest you look into it.

2. Fat children. Unless you have diabetes or some glandular problem RUN TO MCDONALDS YOU PUDGY BASTARD! JOG TO THAT PEICE OF CAKE! DO SOMETHING BEFORE YOU END UP ON MAURY POVICH! God I hate fat kids.

3. People who hide behind internet alias to "wreck havoc". Grow the fuck up, get out of your parents basement and go outside. It's a big world out there and the sky's still blue.

4. The fact that I have to pound the shit out of my "e" key on my keyboad because some un-named source decided to drink Rootbeer at my computer. (**** you bastard child, how you were produced from the same set of eggs as me is a fucking mystery)

5. Fat tween girls who pull their tiny thongs up so high over their love handles they turn the jaws of life into handicap scissors.

6. People that walk like they're waiting for the second coming of Christ.

7. TV Evangelists and their 60 year old Floridian fan base. What would Jesus do? Probably kick your wrinkled ass back to Orange Grove's retirement home given the chance.

8. People who scream into their cell phones in public. China called - they want you to shut the fuck up you North American yuppie

9. My brother acting like a fucking retard, getting caught red handed, denying it, then my family flooding my voicemail box because of his actions:

YOU HAVE 10 NEW MESSAGES
Bleep Message 1
"Did you hear what your brother did now? He apparently knocked over the handicap kid who lives next door and now he has to pay for a new set of crutches for him. By the way, its mom"

Phew thank God I thought for some moment some weird person who sounded like you managed to get my cell phone number just to inform me as to what shit my brother has been pulling.

Bleep Message 2
"So your brother stole your grandmothers car and managed to crash it. What are we going to do with him?"

We.....?

Bleep Message 6
"Your brother failed his math test, history test and english test. Why can't he be like you and actually put some effort into his schoolwork?"

Maybe because I was a loser all through high school and I didn't have anything better to do on a Friday or Saturday night.

Bleep Message 7
"Your brother punched out some kid at school and gave him a bloody nose. He said he didn't do it that he pushed the kid and he fell which is how he got the bloody nose even though like 5 other people saw what happened. He's turning into a bad apple that kid. By the way, its mom."

Thanks mom for the update.

Bleep Message 8
"Ashley - its grandma. Your brother was just caught making prank phone calls to people. He apparently called some lady and told her that her husband hadn't been to work in over a week and that he was having an affaird with his secretary.The neighbours picked it up on their baby monitor but he's denying it. I have no idea what we are going to do with him, he's going down the wrong path. It's such a bad thing - he can be so smart but he does such stupid things.....oh by the way, how are you doing?"

I don't even know anymore...

Bleep Message 9
"Your brother got caught stealing a chocolate bar from the store down the street. He used to be such a good kid, what did I do wrong?"

Failed to express your right to an abortion when you had a chance*

Bleep Message 10
"Oops, sorry. I meant to call your brother"

Nobody loves me.


*Note: For the record, I don't wish death upon my brother nor do I wish he was a coat hanger baby.

Ps. Please let Ashley know if her hair turned out good or bad via the picture below. Merci.

My New Hair Color

Do we like it?: Yes - No - Indifferent - Show me your tits Note: Yah, my eyes are closed. I just woke up.

My Stats Exam?

Yep, that about sums it up.

Just a Reminder:

Valentines Day is 5 days away. Tie your noose now....

Penguins Do it Better

Today I was planning on scaling the CN tower with a bottle of Jack 's and some pornographic magazines

Upon realizing that I'm deathly afraid of heights I went to class instead.

Being that class was ridiculously boring I decided to pull my cap over my eyes and take a nap. Now usually I have a fear of sleeping in public ie. on the bus, plane, train etc. but since I couldn't bear being awake any longer I figured I'd learn from the sub concious instead. Like those "self help" tapes only live.

As I slept I dreamt that I was standing in a corn field with a penguin. The penguin was friendly enough. We discussed current issues and why Lindsay Lohan is such a little slut then he offered me a ride in what he called the Delorean. I told him that knew what the Delorean was as it was the car used in "Back to the Future". He told me to shut the fuck up. He claimed that he invented it and Universal Studio's stole it. I didn't know it was possible to steal car plans from a penguin. I guess I offended him because he jumped into the Delorean and sped off. It was at that point that I thought to myself, "Holy shit. A talking penguin."

Then I woke up. And conveniently so as the class had just ended and people were getting up from their seats.

I got home and threw myself down on my bed exhausted and thrilled that I finally had a day off work. Not that I mind working, but when you work 30 hrs within a 4 day time span it becomes a little tiring. Its so unfortunate that people have to work as they do these days. Nose to the grind the masses toil day in day out to some day make their small fortune and die before they get to spend it. Doesn't that sound lovely to you? You work for some asshole every day of your life just so you can save up for a trip to Disneyland when you're 60. And you only get so far as the Country Bear Jamboree because you're too fucking tired to do anything else. Space Mountain is all the way over at the other end of the park and unless by some act of God you can make it over it looks like the mountain will remain un-ridden.

This is why I intend on winning the lottery or fucking to death an old man with lots of cash that he can leave me. I'd do it the Anna Nicole way - only without the boozing, the flashing and the extreme weight fluxuation. I've been the same weight since grade 10. I don't plan on changing that. At least if I get a shit load of cash now I can enjoy it. Forget this waiting until I'm collecting an old age pension. Im'a get me a Jag, a private yacht and some Chippendale boys to fan me while I sip champagne from their g-strings. I'm slowly building towards the goal. Right now I've got a bus pass, roller blades and some wine coolers in the fridge - but I'm reaching for the stars.

To all the pretty people

And have a good day

Jesus

After today I'm even more convinced that I should purchase myself a small island and fill it only with animals. No people.

God, I hate people

Smite them all

Im going to bed.

Dirty Secrets

It's 2 am.

I can't sleep.

So instead I'll induldge you all with some dirty little secrets.

- I'm a Rogers Video fugitive. They call me at least once a week to inform me of my $200 late fees and how they will seek legal action against me. I'm afraid to go into the store for fear that they have my mugshot in the back.

- I wear a retainer to bed every night to keep my teeth straight

- I've had 3 fillings and 2 teeth pulled

- Sometimes I'm too tired to wash my makeup off so I go to bed without doing so

- I walk around in my shorts, bra and monkey slippers regardless of who's home

- I own the Back Into Hell CD by Meatloaf

- I have over 50 MG(b) songs on my PC

- I've had a threesome. Highly overrated.

- I'm an online Trivial Pursuit addict

- I hit the snooze button at least 9 times

- I once broke a special snow globe of my moms and blamed it on my brother. I've never owned up to it and after 8 years she still gives him shit for it. And he still denies it

- I've almost been arrested for being to loud while having sex in a Hotel (Goddamn those Mexican Ambassadors)

- Labyrinth will always be my favorite movie because David Bowie's package looks good in spandex

- I've peed in the shower before

- I like how newspaper tastes

- I still cry when I get needles

- I own midget porn

And we all fall down

I freaked myself out this evening. I can't even write this blog because my hands are shaking and my heart is racing at a million miles per minute. I was watching a movie when the characters started talking about death and the beyond. It got me to thinking that holy shit - one of these days I'm going to die.

And one of these days, you'll be dead too.

The whole idea of death has me completely paranoid. I will never wake up to a blue sky, I will never go out for dinner with friends, I'll never eat, drink, sleep, fuck ever again. One of these days Im going to be buried stiff in the cold, cold ground. The scares the fuck out of me. I think more or less Im terrified about what happens in the end. I suppose it all depends on your religious beliefs. As a Catholic myself, I do believe in God but I'm still on the fence about Heaven and Hell (I guess only time can tell) Quite frankly, I wouldn't mind being a ghost and freaking the hell out of everyone I come in contact with.

I really don't know what has me worried the most. What will it be like? Sleep? Like sitting in a vast empty black vaccuum for eternity? Will it hurt? I've done research on this sort of thing before and apparently death is quite painful. First your heart stops, then your brain begins to die as you slowly suffocate. Doesn't that sound like fun? One of my biggest fears is dying by drowning. Apparently drowning is quite peaceful if you subtract the panic and freaking out of it all. You eventually black out and don't realize you're drowning after 2 minutes of being submerged. Either way, the idea of drowning is enough to keep me away from the deep end - I was never a huge fan of swimming in the first place.

I watched my grandfather passed away which was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure in my life. He had been sick for a long time, in and out of the hospital (which was 45 mins. away since my hometown couldn't accomodate someone with his ailment) I remember the morning that he passed away, I was asleep in my room with my boyfriend at the time when the phone rang at 5 am. It was my aunt telling me to get to the hospital because the priest read his last rites and he was slipping away. We got there as soon as they moved him to one of the "passing away" rooms. I noticed they were all painted pink which to a psychology major is interesting as pink is supposed to be a "comfort color" as it represents the color and warmth of the womb. Anyways, they took him off the machines and I watched as he took his last breath. That day will be forever embedded in my mind as I lost the man that raised me, taught me and gave me his unconditional love no matter what I did.

You know, posting this here has actually made my heart calm down a bit and the shakes are nearly gone.

No more Benalyin and Pennacilin before movies about death....

Peek a Boo

Sometimes I get bored and the digital camera comes out...

I've come to realize

That I love shopping at the lingerie store far too much.

I spent 2 hrs in La Vie en Rose this afternoon with 3 women helping me and managed to drop a small fortune. What is it with the female mind that makes drives us to spend such a ridiculous amount of cash on things we wear underneath our clothing?

I mean, I were a stripper I'd understand....

Kisses

Since I KNOW you check my blog on occasion mister (and I always seem to miss you on MSN as Im either at school or work) I just thought I'd take the moment to be cute and tell you that I miss you and can't wait for you to come back to Ottawa.

That and I need to get laid really REALLY bad.

xoxo

Out of the frying pan...

So I just got back from the doctors and it appears my strep throat is pretty much all gone. Thank god.

But now Im getting the flu.

F-diddly-uck

I have to write an exam tomorrow for stats which I am actually prepared for. I watched all my lectures, done my readings, have started doing all the example questions - in between rushing to the bathroom to bring up anything that I have put into my system today... I am getting my exam deferred (not because I want to, but because I now have to) since I don't feel like taking a vomit break every 5 mins in the exam room. I have never deferred an exam in my entire life, unfortunately this is all out of my control

Divine intervention?

More like re affirming the notion that God is in fact, trying to kill me.

Welcome to my Lair

I'm testing out the gothic look in my room right now. I have a candle holder above my bed, two candle holders on my side and tea lights all along my desk. There's something about the dark thats so sexy, I love it.

How about some academic V.D. ?

That exam I wrote was a dirty dirty whore.

It took me 10 mins to do and in the end I'm left unsatisfied and with a venereal F.

Nothing pisses me off more than professors who insist on using Multiple Choice as an "appropriate way to assess our knowledge" in a paticular subject. Multiple Choice is the fucking biggest academic joke going. Pick your poison: A B C D or E.

In this paticular class mostly everything has more than one meaning to it. Not only is an independant variable called and independant variable - it's also called a control, nomothetic, idiographic and a shit load of other names. How in the hell is one supposed to choose the approprite term on a m/c exam when all of them mean the same goddamn thing?

Example.

A researcher conductiong an experiment on the effects of cocaine in rats injected a set of rats with four different dosages then recorded the time it took for them to complete a maze. Would the cocaine by the:
A) Independant variable
B) Control Variable
C) Mediating Variable
D) Dependant Variable

Well guess what, A and B are the exact same fucking thing. They are both variables which are manipulated by the experimentor and are the "cause" for the correlation between cocaine use and performance!!! So what the fuck one was I supposed to pick?

I love LOVE playing guessing games with my professors. Its not bad enough that one has to bust their ass to learn information that they are never going to need to know years down the road (as I have no intention of getting rats high) but they also have to read their professors mind.

Can someone please remind me what exactly I'm getting from my $5,000 tuition?

BLOG - A - HOLIC

I have exactly 3 hours until I write a very important Research methods exam and I'll I've been doing is playing with my blog.

They need self help groups for people like me. This shit's worse than heroin I swear to god.