20050430

I may burn bridges but I won't burn a bra

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It appears that people have been taking advantage of my Yahoo email account reasonableinsomnia@yahoo.ca . In the past 2 days that it has been posted I have had over 10 emails which is more than I get from my family. Surprisingly enough the majority of them have been quite pleasant whereas the others have followed the same suit of those assholes who just-won't-learn.

Anyways, one that I would like to take a moment and share with you is the following...

"You're a disgrace to women everywhere. Your provocative pictures and your excessive use of the word, 'Fuck', you are setting the Women's Liberation back years with your behaviour. You're only re-assuring men everywhere that women can be used as sexual objects. You objectifiy yourself in several of your posts and pictures and even go so far as to use the words, "cunt" and "slut" to describe your own gender! How dare you do something like that! When you use words like those you are making it O.K. for others to use them as well! It's like when black people use the N-word and get mad at everyone else for using it. You should stop posting as you do as you are degrading women everyday in your posts. Put on some clothes and stop hating women. Kara"

Kara:
Whats a tsunami and a woman got in common?

When they come they're both wet n wild but when they leave they take your house and car with them.


Now that thats out of the way, check out the following problems with your email:

1. You claim that I hate women because of why exactly? I refer to some brainless slut who stole my identity as a "cunt". Well, would you have preferred, "retard" because that word too is taken and quite politically incorrect. That is, unless you're ok with women and have a hate on for the handicap. And since when are the words, "slut" and "whore" reserved for the female gender? I never once implied that I felt those words should be gender-specific, Hell I've called men sluts and whores before, you my dear are the one who gave it a Female Title.

My using those words don't give them any power,

T'is people like you who take offence to them that give them power otherwise its just another word.

2. You claim that I objectify women by posting pictures of my in panties and what have you. Well... I dont believe women can be objectified unless they allow themselves to be. Objectification comes from those who fear how the public eye will take them depending entirely on how they dress and act. Because I don't fear how the public percieves me, I can not be objectified.

I'm not setting the woman's liberation back any further than mindless feminists like you are.

The fact that I can post how I please without fear of reprocussion to me implies that I'm not going to allow men or whatever bring me down for it.

If anything, you're holding women back buy actually buying into the garbage that we should have to censor ourselves.


So please, don't tell me I'm a woman hater because I have a body that I'm proud of;

Don't tell me I'm a woman hater because I believe that females everywhere should be allowed to talk and act as they please without having to worry about social consequence

And please, remove your fucking head from your ass before you email me because all I hear is muffled bullshit.
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20050428

I'M FUCKING FREE!!!

I just wrote my last exam for my second year of University:

NO MORE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!
NO MORE STRESSING OVER STUPID FUCKING STATS!
NO MORE PRETENDING TO KNOW WHAT A STANDARD DEVIATION IS!
OR A CHI SQUARED TEST!
NO MORE GAINING 10 LBS AS I PIG OUT ON JUNK FOOD WHILE STUDYING
NO MORE
NO MORE!!!!


YES-FRICKIN'-YES

Goddamn let's all go out and get drunk, THE FIRST SHOTS ON ME!

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20050427

Listening to the wind of Chaaaange

Its been raining here all day which is depressing and a God's Send. I have my FINAL exam tomorrow and then I am free from all the studying and sleep depraved nights! Mind you I barely sleep anyways, I just use my exams as an excuse for permanent PMS.

I've discovered something wonderful the other day. If you take Petit Danone (the yougurt) and put them in the freezer its like an orgy in your mouth and everyone's invited! I just thought I would share that little Martha Stewart moment with you.

Speaking of which, did that dumb bitch get the "OK" to have her house arrest bracelet taken off? I fucking hope not. If I were Martha's parole officer I'd install one of those buzzers in it, like they do for the invisible fencing for dogs. Anytime she left her several million dollar mansion it'd give her a mild electric shock. I'd pay good money to see Martha convulsing on the ground in agony, I'm sure she'd find a way to make one of her stupid-ass comments out of the situation.

"As you can see, I am mildly convulsing on the ground, did you know that mild electric shocks are good for your soil, the electricity that is now shooting through my body is actually activating important Nitrates in the ground which are excellent for a healthy, green lawn"

Stupid cow.

And now I'm going to attempt to learn the entire dance to "Thriller" - just because I can.
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20050426

You have HATE MAIL *ding*

Apparently I have a few haters who are too chicken shit to post their names or their regurgitated insults in my COMMENTS section.

Well guess what fuckers, its my goddamn blog and I can post your hateful tripe here. Strap yourselves in kiddies, it's gonna be a bumpy ride. (All of the following emails have accumulated in my long forgotten Hotmail inbox. If you fuckers wish to get your hate on faster please forward your crap to reasonableinsomnia@yahoo.ca )

*CHHHHHHHH* <---- I have no idea how to write the airplane Captain announcement noise, I figure thats close enough

*This is your Captain speaking, as we prepare for our flight we ask that you take a look at the safety pamphlet in front of you and kindly disregard the peice of shit because that laminated paper is going to be of no good to you as the plane begins to drop altitude and we all die in a firey blaze, and believe me - you won't be smiling*

EMAIL NUMBER 1

"Your blog sucks. All you do is bitch and complain and insult everyone and everything. You talk about shit you know nothing about like your so fucking smart or something. Shut up."

But I am smart. So fuck you and where the hell is my grande Latte with the little swirls of caramel and cinnamon in it? Goddamn who's leg do you gotta hump to get a decent cup of java around here?

EMAIL NUMBER 2

"Whats wrong with you? All you do is complain about how you are tired of people remarking on your boobs and then you fill your blog with pictures of them? Youre a fucking hypocrite, stop complaining about the goods if youre going to keep showing them, no one wants to see that."

Hey, Enuch is it? I see you've taken your dick out of your hands long enough to write me some pretty poetry. If you actually READ anything I have posted (that would be those funny little squiggles called "letters" underneath said titty pics) you'd see that there is a lot more to me than a decent rack. Why do I post those pics? 'Cause I like how they look and its fun to be a little sexy once in a while. If I exposed them everyday to every passer by, yah I would have to accept the stigma attatched to such behaviour which also means I would have to accept the "Hey baby nice rack!" comments.

However, I don't walk around with my tits exposed all day. In fact, they are rather well kept in a sweater or t-shirt yet that doesn't stop the commentary from those men still hopelessly lost in the Caveman Age. That would be what I am vocally protesting against.

I should throw in some comment here about the Oedipus complex and how you want to secretly fuck your mom or something...but that would require more effort than what you deserve.

*CHHHHHH* <---- Fuck, I LOVE this *This is your Captain speaking, if you turn your attention to the ceiling above you you will noticed a small compartment marked "Oxygen". This 6 letter word was drawn on to make you feel safe and secure. But in fact, there is no "oxygen". You'll be lucky if a zipploc baggie falls from one of the overhead compartments, or maybe you can use the Vomit bag as a form of relief but hey - are you really going to give a shit about a plastic bag with a string on it as we fall from the sky? Unless it miraculously turns into something useful like a paracute or jet pack its still a fucking plastic bag. Perhaps you could use it to wrap up your In-Flight meal leftovers...*

EMAIL NUMBER 3

"You're hot. By why do you act so stupid? You;re worse than Jessica Simpson"

Ah fuck, I didn't realize I was in the running for a Pulitzer! Should I go with a Versace dress or Armani for my debut at the awards show, "Worlds Smartest Blogger"?

And I'm quite aware that tuna is in fact a fish and not chicken.

EMAIL NUMBER 4

"Shut the fuck up, you're stupid and annoying. post more pictures of your tits. Kthx"

Hey, have you met my friend, Enuch?

Oh ps. for future reference if you're going to be assessing intelligence don't end your one -liners with abbreviated web slang, kthx

*CHHHHHH This once again is your Captain speaking....everything is running smoothly...we've got clear skies ahead, its beautiful outside today, the weather is expected to remain clear for the rest of the flight. For all of those travelling with us today if you look to your...whats that?....where?.....oh my God.....no......NO.....NOOOO! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! OH MY FUCKING GOD WE'RE GOING DOWN! I'M TOO YOUNG AND PRETTY TO DIE OH MY GOD NO! NOOOOO!!....ha just kidding folks, if you turn your attention to the right you'll see some mountains and shit....*

I have several more emails I can post...but I've noticed that the amount of people who actually read my entire blog declines as the posts become larger and larger. Baby steps, I'll feed you in smaller more easy-to-chew-morsels.

EDIT: I'm supposed to mention that Rich is sick and mad at me for not looking after him. Oh, and frozen yogurt comes second to his royal Highness.


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20050425

Yes I'm the real Ashley all you other "Melanies" are just imitating

It never ceases to amaze me at just how pathetic people can actually be.

(Copy and paste the link, I had to break it because EXPLORER SUCKS)

http://www.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID
=13932073&Mytoken=20050423230940

Oh and "Melanie" you can go fuck yourself right in your pathetic fucking twat and choke on your own vile stank, skank.

Ps. At least attract some better looking men too, Christ woman.
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I GOT FINGERED BY THIS MAN....

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AND IT WAS FUCKING GREAT!!!

Ok well I may have minced the truth slightly. I went to see the Motley Crue show in Montreal last night with friends and I must say, IT KICKED SWEET FUCKING ASS. God, I love those dirty old rockers.

This asshole in front of me was super tall so I wasn't able to see anything that well. I was right on Nikki's side (my god, Nikki Sixx...holy dear fuck.... 41 or not I'd hit that SO fast) and I stood up on the back of the dude's seat so I was quite elevated with my heels on. He looked up in my direction, called Vince Neil (singer) over, pointed in my direction so I did what I thought would be the appropriate thing to do at the time and gave him the finger

And God bless his little heart, he gave me one back and that to die for grin of his. I nearly wet myself.

As the night continued Tommy Lee (drums) and Vince Neil were sitting on the back of the amps while Nikki was talking to the crowd. The house lights were on and I was still elevated. The boys caught me in their sight and blew kisses at me for a solid few minutes. Me being the Nikki fanatic that I am barely noticed. I'm a loser, I know.

I got trashed afterwards at Club One and I can still remember the top 2 quotes of the night from yours truly.

1) "HOLY SHIT! I've never seen a homeless sign written in French before!"

2) "By the end of the night Nikki's dick is going to be like Baskin Robbins. 52 flavors of lip gloss."
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20050422

The Sky is Falling Mr.Martin!

The Liberal Party is in shit because PM Paul Martin fucked up and stole taxpayers money

He went on TV last night to apologize for his actions. I think he said he would hold an election 30 Days after the Gomery inquiry so that the Canadian People could judge him accordingly and if we still wanted him in office even after what he did we would re elect him.

Did he say he was sorry? Probably.

I wasn't really listening. My mind tends to block out lies and Pity Parades.
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20050421

Raise a little Hell raise a little Hell raise a little Hell

So I went to call into work today but they beat me to the punch and asked me to come in earlier than I was scheduled. On a scale of 1 - 10 one being Hey thats all right and 10 being FUCK THIS FUCKING SUCKS ASS! me chickening out of calling in sick and them asking me to come in earlier rates about a 50.

Its all right, I always have Saturday.

Now, all of this headache could have easily been avoided if I had just sat down and watched all my lecture tapes a week ago. Instead I decided to pick up numerous shifts and wear my little feet down to nubs but I made decent money in the process.

Because I dont have much to say, I'll just give you the highlights of my mail today:
(How interesting)

MASTERCARD:

Dear Ms. S

CONGRADULATIONS! We have increased your credit limit to $2,000 for being such a valued customer! We know you only pay the minimum payments on your card and our interest is ridiculously high so we are giving you more credit because idiots like you keep us in business and fancy cars!

ROGERS WIRELESS:

Dear Ms. S

Please pay the following balance of $350 on your wireless phone or we shall send someone in to break your legs

Thank you for choosing Rogers

BLOOD DONATION OF CANADA

GIVE US YOUR FUCKING BLOOD OR WE SHALL KILL YOU! (I swear, they're becoming more aggressive each year)

DOMINION OF CANADA

Dear Mr. Haspaitialfitlanfjtia

We welcome you to our new club! Please fill out the following and your introductory kit which includes 3 meal stamps, Self - Abortion Kit and a pamphlet on "How to Defraud Welfare by Having 18 Kids in a 3 Bedroom Apartment" will be sent out thereafter.

(Clearly this letter wasn't intended for me. I happen to live in little Ethiopia so I am assuming it's for the people who were living here before me.)



And thats about it.
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20050420

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT 'EM....

This I CAN'T bitch about....

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Dear God:

Hey, Ashley speaking. Long time no chat.

Sorry about the Pope and such. I'm sure he's having a great time in He....... with all the priests he let diddle kids. What a card that guy is. Hopefully Benny works out. Can't say I trust the guy, anyone named after a breakfast food has got to be a shifty character don't you think?

So anyways, the reason why I am writing is to ask you a favor. I'm a retard. I procrastinate far too much. But you already knew that, you're God. Well, my exam is approaching at warp speed Captain and I need it to rain all day today. Nothing like you 40 days and 40 nights stint. I don't have an Ark and I sure as fuck don't have 2 of every animal. That goddamn Noah killed off my unicorn so he can go fuck himself. But I wouldn't mind a slight downpour. Just between the hours of 2 - 4. That way I can spend the day studying since I passed out from exhaustion last night.

You and I both know that Stats is super fucking boring. Come on, what were you thinking when created men like my prof? Weasly little know it all with more ferrets than personality. Why do you create people such as that? Are you purposely trying to piss the world off? Because you already succeeded quite well with Martha Stewart and Michael Jackson. Goddamn that doiley making rich ho. I'm sure the Pope will be rocking it with Michael when he gets the juice.

I know that I will fail this exam too, which is all right because even if I fail it I still pass the course. And who the fuck decided Arts students had to take stats anyways? Smite the bastard who created that rule, he can party with the Pope too the fucker.

Oh, and one more thing before I go, if my grandpa is there tell him it was me who actually broke that little statue of his that he loved and not my brother. I know I kinda blamed it on John but the little bastard had it coming. He tried to cut off my ponytail. When I pushed him his body came into contact with the statue and broke it. So really, it was my fault because I used his body as a weapon. Tell him I'll bring the episodes of "Coronation Street" that I have taped and some Licorice candy.


Anyways, I'm out God. If you could do that small favor for me it would be much appreciated. I'll bring you the complete season of "Sex in the City" as a return.

Ashley

Ps. One more thing, sorry. If mom gets there before I do please don't tell her God that I'm not a virgin. You may be the Ultamite Higher Diety but you made my mother and you should know better. Thanks.
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20050419

Leave a trail of bread crumbs

I'm off to the ITV room for the day (ITV is my Universitiy's way of taking more money out of our pockets by making us rent tapes or purchase Rogers on Demand digital cable to watch our lectures)

So I have about 24 hrs of stats to watch which I know I will not get through today. I am hoping to watch at least 2 - 3 tapes today and the rest during the week. My exam is next Tuesday but I have Motley Crue on Sunday and will probably be sleeping off a hangover on Monday. Therefore I have to get all my studying in now or I am, for lack of better words: Fucked.

I hate renting the tapes out and taking them home because I am so damn ADD and am distracted by everything in my house including the roomates who consistently try to talk to me and ask me questions while I am trying to study.

At leaste in the ITV room I can hide myself into a little cubicle and make eraser pigs while pretending to study.
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20050418

Tell me you love me and the color of my eyes

Today at work I was reading off to a table of guys what beer we have on tap, I then noticed the guy sitting closest to me was blatantly staring at my tits. I politely replied, "Sir - I'm up here"

Im sick and tired of this bullshit. Seriously. I'm not going to lie to you, I LOVE my tits. I love having them. I love the fact that they are an ample size and yah, on occasion I like to wear shirts that "promote" them.

However

That does not give every Tom Dick and Harry permission to stare like a death row inmate who has just been served his last supper. Titty D' Jour.

For once, I would like someone to tell me that I had pretty eyes, or a nice smile. No one even notices that I have almost crystal baby blue eyes. Instead I get a derogatory "Hey baby" remark or "Nice ass!" I know you're thinking, "Shut up you whinny narcassitic bitch. Who CARES!"

Well, I for one do.

For once I'd like to be treated with a little more courtesy than a fucking deli display. I'm not made of sausage nor am I made of Grade A Alberta beef - therefore you do not have permission to treat me like a fucking T-Bone. I do have a brain, I am capable of speaking to you if you can manage more than just a "WHOOO MAMA LOOKIT THAT....DAMN DAWG" So for you guys who ask me why I wont talk to you when you refer to me as a fucking "peice" I'll make it simple for you:

I don't speak Pathetic Gansta.

So keep on rollin' G.
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DEATH TO THE FOX! DEATH TO EVERYTHING!

I'M GOING TO DIE OF SHEER EXHAUSTION!

DEATH TO WORK!

DEATH TO FUCKING SERVERS WHO BEG ME TO TAKE THEIR SHIFTS

DEATH TO MY FUCKING HEAD FOR BEING SO STUPID AND TELLING MY VOCAL CORDS TO SAY "YES"

DEATH TO EXAMS!

DEATH TO EVERYONE WHO HAS PISSED ME OFF THIS WEEKEND!


AND ESPECIALLY...

DEATH TO YOU CHEAP ASS MOTHER FUCKERS AND YOUR WATER / HALF PRICE APPETIZERS WHO TIP LESS THAN 15% BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING HOMELESS WAIF AND DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I MAKE $6.50 / HR. FUCK YOU, FUCK YOUR HOME, FUCK YOUR CAR, FUCK EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU. GO TO HELL AND DIE YOU WORTHLESS MOTHER FUCKERS.


I feel better now.

....
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20050414

Fucking Dumb Fat Bitches

All right, one exam down just 3 more to go. It was relatively easy actually. My prof has a huge hard on for me so I played the innocent, "Oh sir, I dont know what you're asking for here.." and he basically spoon fed me the answers.

Having tits is great

My bag now smells like Macdonald's because I made a pit stop on the way home from my exam. As a general rule I don't eat fast food because in a few hours I'll have the runs and hate the world. So now all my books smell like a Big Mac, Macdonald's has to be the most putrid smelling shit ever. How people can consume it on a regular basis is beyond me

And right now I have a total hate on for fat people. Don't even start with me right now and your politcally correct bullshit either. Im on the bus today on my way to school and this enormous woman (who EASILY could have filled an entire seat by herself) GRABS my bag and MOVES IT over so she can sit down. There are 3 available seats behind me but NO shes too fucking lazy to walk the extra 2 goliath steps

So not only does she touch my shit which pissed me off she SQUISHES me literally into the side of the bus where I have to sit cramped and scared for my life for the next 15 minutes. The woman was a fucking monster who also kept coughing and hacking up phlem. Fuck it was gross. To make matters worse the seats were made of the slid-y material which meant anytime we turned a corner she'd crush me further into the bus

If I could have reached into my bag I would have thrown a twinky into the aisle and ran for dear life.

And she smelled really bad

It was a mix of Dollar Store body spray and body odour.
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"Dead student walking! Dead student walking!"

I have to write an exam today at 7

Then I have to write another exam on Saturday at 2

Sigh.

I can count the hours I spent studying on one hand

And one finger.



I'm fucked.
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20050413

Ashley: Babe in The City

I'm from a small town, population 21,000 (which includes a head count of everyone's dog and cat) and I've now moved myself to a larger city as of last year where the population is close to a million or something ridiculous like that

One thing I have noticed here in Ottawa is that EVERYONE is so damn cold. I don't mean cold as in the rock-hard nipple sense, I mean cold as in "I'm a bitch look my way and I'll gouge out your eyes with a rusty spoon"

Seriously, what is up with that? Everyone here is so damn stuck on themselves (especially the female gender) and they refuse to talk to anyone outside of their already formed "cliches" I'm from a place where everyone talks to everyone regardless of soci-economical status or what their parents do for a living. Everyone parties with everyone and nobody gives a shit who you are and where you are from

The first things people ask me here when they meet me are:

1) Where are you from? (Brockville, followed by an eye roll from them and an automatic red-neck label)

2) Where do your parents live? (Florida, my mom is an attorney, which is met by an accepting nod and then immediately followed by a scowl when I tell them my father lives in Brockville still near Maitland)

3) What are you here for? (School, accepting nod)

4) What program? (Criminal psychology, scowl)

5) What do you do for a living here? (I'm rented out to do table dances with my midget entourage in nothing but a coconut bikini and hot wax for the finale. Give you a discount?)

That one is usually met with a quick departure or embarassed glance.

I will say one thing though, the friends that I do have here are probably some of the BEST people I have EVER met.
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20050412

Things you didn't know about me...and probably didn't care

1. I always judge a man by how he treats his waiter / waitress

2. My favorite color is midnight blue, my favorite shade is black.

3. Nothing annoys me more than when people say, "My favorite color is black"

4. I still sleep with a night light

5. I like how my ass looks in boy cut panties and low rise jeans

6. I have a not-so-secret crush on Edward Norton, Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee

7. I still pee in the shower (but only when I'm hung over or can't make it to the toilet)

8. When I pass gas I blame it on the closest person to me

9. I'm that annoying person who when they find a song they like put it on REPEAT and listen to it until you want to bash in their faces and kick in their stereo

10. I hate even numbers. When I am listening to the radio, TV, the stereo etc. the volume always has to be set on an odd number. Preferably 13.

12. Fucking even numbers

13. This is my favorite number

14. I have Meatloaf's "Back Into Hell" cd and still listen to it

15. I shake my leg uncontrollably when I am thinking or just sitting around

16. I secretly wanted to be "Sarah" in the Labyrinth....OK OK OK so I STILL want to be her, what of it???

17. I have phone sex on the bus (Take THAT Richard!)

18. I've once been taken into the police station charged with Solicitation when my boyfriend and I were caught having sex in a park (Charges were dropped, I still dont have a criminal record....yet...)

19. I often talk to myself....no you don't...yes I do!

20. I often eat french fries dipped in ranch dressing and hot sauce
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Why does the Baby Jesus Cry?

Because I'm lazy thats why

I have two exams this week, one on Thursday the other on Saturday and I havent even bothered studying for either of them. I really need to get rid of this nasty procrastinative (is that even a word?) streak in me.


I was just looking over my blog and I realized its kinda...well....black looking.... should I change the template of my blog or just leave it the same? Does it look dreary or should I just keep it as is?

Let me know, I'm a person who needs people to think for me sometimes.
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20050411

FUCK!

I LOVE the new Cheerio's Snack Mix

I HATE the amount of fucking pretzels they put in there

PRETZELS are the root of all evil in their salty staleness. I hate pretzels just about as much as I HATE croutons. What the fuck "genius" decided it would be appropriate to top salad with STALE seasoned bread?

Christ.
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KAREN'S B-DAY BASH

Otherwise known as, "The night Ashley got so stupidly drunk she lost her cell phone and her mind for the second week in a row and woke up with a killer hang over that just wouldn't go away"

Instead of HIGHLIGHTING the evening for you folks, I brought the camera. Thankfully no incriminating photographs were taken on my camera...however there were 4 other cameras that night so if pictures of me surface that would make my parents disown me please inform me.

Thanks
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20050410

Let me tell you about life

You wake up
You eat
You shit
You go to work for some asshole boss who considers it necessary to inform you that the only thing that matters is work work work

Then you die

Alone, with 50 cats, screaming at "punk kids" and the only person who will put flowers on your grave will be sweet Mother Nature.

No one will remember your name
No one will remember your face
The credit card companies will harass your family consistenly to pay off all your debts.

Goddamn they knew they should have unplugged the "Home Shopping Network" what the fuck else was that geriatric bitch gonna do all day anyways but shop at home?

Any accomplishments you made in life go un noticed
You'll get a little blurb in the back of some local newspaper that misspells your last name anyways and fucks up your date of birth.

Then its the Pearly Gates for you kiddo.

Thats why when I'm going down I'm taking bodies with me. At least that way the media will be all over my sadistic ass and that little blurb in the back of the local newspaper will end up becoming a 6 page cover story.

My name will be spelled right
My fucking cats name will be spelled right
My tombstone will be a tourist attraction
The media will have a fucking field day....

And everyone will remember who I am.





*Yah, I worked a fucking lot this weekend. Im fucking tired, cranky, hungry, horny and pissed off at the world. The next person who pisses me off is going to feel the wrath of a 21 year old waitress who's been on her feet for the past 72 hrs dealing with assholes.
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20050405

All right so I'm retarded

Apparently my "SHOTS OF JACKS" comments have been appearing under the appropriate posts and above the header of the previous posts. I can't believe how handicapped I am. Being that I am a Criminology student and dedicating my life to figuring shit out I had better learn to observe things more carefully.... I still can't believe how fucking moronic I am.

So I ditched drinking tonight to take in a movie, went to see SIN CITY

In a word: Amazing

Katrina didn't care for it too much I don't think. It had all the elements of a movie I fucking LOVE though. People getting their heads taken off, dark humor, Bruce Willis, strippers wasting people and cannibals. I thought it was well put together.

The graphics were amazing, the soundtrack was also amazing and the acting, sweet baby Jesus the entire movie was just incredible. I highly recommend it to anyone with a penis or a perverse mine such as my own.

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I LOVE COWBOY HATS
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FUCKBLOGGERFUCKSHITDAMMITFUCK

All right, I have NO idea how the comments work, so I am fucking pissed off and sober for the time being. I'm going out tonight because I feel sexy with the new clothes I bought

Rich is mad at me because he isn't Number 1 on my blogspot, The Aussie is and he feels jealous. I told him I'd change it, and I had better because I know he will check later.

I want to be squirrel when I am re-incarnated. Squirrels look like they have a hell of a time running around and chasing each other out of trees. Plus I can stuff nuts in my mouth all day and I won't be called a slut. Squirrels don't judge.

Now its all about what to wear tonight....I'll be sure to bring the digital camera with me tonight so all you folks can see what its like to party with me for an evening.

Oh, and if anyone can help fix this comments crap, PLEASE TELL ME OR I'LL STEAL YOUR FIRST BORN!
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DON'T FEED THE MONKEYS

All right, so I caved and got Haloscan for my blog so now I can make pretty comment boxes

As such, from now on please post only in the "SHOTS OF JACK" comments and leave the flaming midgets alone until I know what to do with them

Thanks

And dont feed the monkeys.

EDIT: MOTHER FUCKER WHY WON'T THIS WORK FOR ME!!!?? Can anyone inform me as to why the hell my comments only appear on the other posts and not new ones? Christ I'm inept.
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20050404


Just because you're all so damn special... Posted by Hello
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Heather and I will make fun of dumb bitches

I'm taking Heather up for that offer of getting drunk and making fun of dumb bitches. I love making fun of dumb bitches. Especially slutty dumb bitches.

So I inadvertenly got trashed last night. I went out for dinner with friends and ended up sloshed at the new Minglewoods. This is of course after my friends left me at the bar by myself when we got in a big fight. We made up this morning.

Once again...the infamous ASHLEYS DRUNKEN HIGHLIGHTS

* Got to MASH and had a crappy Pad Thai. The noodles were too firm and it wasnt nearly spicy enough - drank a Boddingtons because I'm an old fucker and some sort of cinnamon martini. I kept eating the bar fruit until I was told to stop.

* Got in a huge argument with Katrina over the Pope's death. She thinks I'm a blasphemous witch, I think she's being silly.

Katrina: HE STOPPED COMMUNISIM!

Ashley: Ok, no he and 5 other people HELPED put an end to communisim. The pope didn't suddenly wake up one day, wave his hand and say "Thats it. WHOOSH Harry Potter style communism is over"

Katrina: Well, you can't blame him for the priests diddling boys, its got nothing to do with him

Ashley: Sure it does. If you steal from your employer, he is going to fire you. All the priests and cardinals etc are all of the Pope's employees. If they fuck up they should be "fired"

Katrina: It's the police's responsibility to deal with them, the Pope can't deal with every case

Ashley: No, but he can sure as fuck fire their pedophilic asses and take away their rosaries

**END OF DISCUSSION**

* Get to the bar, drink about 10 shots all of which containing Jack Daniels, I love the 7 but never again will I be able to drink that bitter whiskey.

* Fought with my friends who wanted to leave for the fucking Gino / Gangsta / 16 year old boys with fake ID"s bar.

* They left me

* Got super hammered, left my cell phone in the bathroom and passed out..err, at home, not in the bathroom.
* I told several people off last night. Just drunken morons trying to pick me and my friends up. I think I told one guy I'd rather bite off my own tongue then ever consider going home with him. And I believe I called another guy a "creepy fucking asshole who could stick his dick in a socket"


I know, its really not all that exciting, but work called me in this morning and I wanted to kill everyone. I was hung over, puking, I had the runs due to the Jacks and Pad Thai and my reservation were all fucking obnoxious old farts. Every two seconds "MISS! MISS! MISS! MORE COFFEE! MORE WATER!!!MISS! MISS!!!"

I wanted to beat their wrinkly asses to the ground. I now totally have a hate on for old people, fucking old people I swear to God... we should all just spontaneously combust when we become crusty old bastards.
Ps. Dont watch the Ring 2. Waste of time, money and computer graphic psycho reindeer
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20050403

I AM ASHLEY'S SINUS CONGESTION

So its allergy season and I'm ready to scratch out my own eyes. I've been horribly ill for the past few days due to my allergies.

Itchy eyes
Sore throat
Inability to speak
Coughing
Wheezing
Headaches in between my eyes

It's like I'm a Retirement Home reject. Rich called, I informed him that I was dying. He told me I sounded like shit. Isn't he lovely? He will be playing in Toronto with his new band at the end of July so I plan on meeting him there for the 3-4 days he will be in T.O. I dont know if I'm allowed to tell you people what his band is up to, so if I get a phone call tonight I'll know why.

I'll just give you a brief rundown of current events and my views on them since I'm a highly opinionated bitch.

I kid

About the bitch part. But I am highly opinionated. It just comes off as bitchy but really, I'm a nice girl. I only bite when I'm asked...

1. Terri's Death

Whats more cruel?
a) Letting the woman live like a vegetable for the rest of her life?
b) Removing her feeding tube so she literally starves to death for 2 weeks?
c) Turning her death into some 3 ring Media Circus so that we may feel better about ourselves because we "feel sorry for her and her family?"*

* "" Or so we say

2. Pope's Death

Thank God.
I'm a Catholic and I am ashamed that that man reigned as he did. Why?

Pope: I hate all the homosexuals. Fucking flamers will burn in Hell.
Media: You know your Cardinals and priests are diddling alter boys, right?
Pope: Oh, time to take a nap!

I'm certainly not crying over his death. My apologies God if you think I'm being a blasphemous bitch, but good fucking riddance.

3. Dennise Richards and Charlie Sheen breaking up

I've heard about it. I don't give a shit, stop printing about it already! Jesus H....

4. Jackson's getting the chair!

Actually, he isn't. His high price lawyer will get him off on some Jackass (pardon the pun) technicality and he'll soon be diddling other little boys drunk on Jesus Juice. I say throw him in jail and let the general prison population deal with him.

5. I caught the gerbil

He's been captured and placed safely back into his cage. I think he's pissed off at me, but he had a good run.

All right kiddies, I'll be posting your links tonight, so expect them up soon!

Before I forget, download the following if you like harder punk:

"Futures Fire" and "Riddled" by a band called Cleavage. Its kick fucking ass.
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20050401

APRIL FOOLS!

I'm not engaged
I'm not getting married

I just have no life and felt like fucking with people

Rich is probably having a heart attack right about now....

Sorry for foolin' folks
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I'M ENGAGED!!!!!!!

RICH JUST PROPOSED TO ME!!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!

He called me and made me cry my eyes out on the phone, he opened his heart and soul and told me everything he felt and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him!

OH and if you haven't figured it out by now, I SAID YES!!!

We spoke for hours about when we should hold it, where, etc etc. I'm defintely waiting until I am finished school and have my degree, otherwise my family might kill me AND him. But we're set on an Autumn date as it is my favorite season. Plus summer is too damn hot and winter is too damn cold. I think we're going to hold the ceremony in B.C. since its so gorgeous in the fall.

OH MY GOD I'M LIKE A 12 YEAR OLD WHO'S BARBIE DOLL DREAM HAS COME TRUE!!!
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